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Page Of The Night

PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 11:44 am


Prolouge


In a long alley in a great and powerful city, a young man by the age of fifteen stood in the middle of a raging crowd. They had formed a circle making sure he could not escape and they were all shouting horrid things. Out from the raging crowd came a man. He was very tall and had a big build which was riddled with great and powerful muscles. The poor man who was currently being trapped had long brown hair which partially covered his eyes so he could not clearly see the man. Even if his hair was a thousand times shorter his own blood would stop him from seeing. He was already wounded greatly as the mob had taken many shots at him. The only one who was not against him was a small built man at the side who had short blonde hair, he also was shirtless and had baggy jeans and a pocket knife in his left hand. He didn’t dare step into the fight though he was desperately trying to warn the man in the middle currently,
“Get out of there while you still have your legs friend!”
The man would shout to the other but he already knew that he was in trouble. While he had nothing to defend himself but a small knife and he also was shirtless,
“This doesn’t look too good! Can’t see, don’t even have a weapon and Matt isn’t helping”
The man in the middle thought as he was thinking about Matt, the small man’s advice. Matt seemed to be getting restless, if he didn’t get out of there soon it wouldn’t matter if he willingly jumped into the fight or not he would be forced into it. That’s how these guys were, either you were with them or you were against them. Not the best way to live but it left no room for enemies. Alex the man in the middle was now panicked, the large man was making his way towards him and there would be no way to protect himself, Matt which now saw the situation, immediately left the area. No way he was going to be risking his own neck for someone who brought it down on himself, which Alex had done. He had done the same thing he had done a million other times, pissed off the wrong guy so they would get everyone they knew to corner them and beat him to death. Only this time they had gotten closer then everyone else. Only now had the large man revealed a huge club that he had hid behind his back earlier. Alex now inhaled deeply, there had never been any clubs before. Alex quickly made a desperate attempt to dodge the large man which failed horribly, he walked right into the mid-blow which flung him about ten feet through the air. There was no way that he would be getting out of this alive if he had no help. Meanwhile, Matt was now out of the crowd when he heard Alex scream in pain from the blow from the club. Right before he left completely he hesitated,
“It doesn’t look too good for him….he brought this on himself though! Ugh…damn! Alex you better hang in there”
Matt thought to himself as he pushed and shoved his way through the crowd, if a friend of his was going down they would have to get through him first. He finally broke through the crowd and into the inner circle where Alex lay dazed. Matt grunted as he lunged at the huge man with little effect as he swiftly shifted toward Matt and clobbered him with the club. Matt stumbled back, he hadn’t expected someone so big to be so fast. He stood there for a moment and tried to come up with the best battle plan that he could come up with as the other big and bulky man regained his stature. Sadly, Matt had no hope of accomplishing any decent battle plan so he came up with a very simple one….dodge! The man came at him again faster then the other time which he dodged with some trouble. Matt rolled a bit on the ground as he waited for the man to strike again with his club, he would try something risky. The man did exactly what he wanted and struck down on him while he was rolling, only Matt had planned this so with an extra burst of speed on the last roll he back flipped onto the club, he was getting ready to strike. The man had not expected like this for most people he was assigned were some street rat or some bum who owed too much money. Matt grinned as he could tell the man was confused by the dazed look on his face, he took this chance and then sprinted up the club and brought his left knee up into the man’s nose and spinning around to bring the back of his right leg to bash into his head. This proved to be more effective then the last attempt as he fell to the ground, this was another opportunity that Matt took. He jumped onto the man’s stomach and turned to the rest of the crowd and roared,
“You’ll let me and my friend go now, if anyone doesn’t like it then you can all meet the same fate as lumpy over here!”
Matt shouted trying to put on his most furious face. After he jumped off the stomach and grabbed Alex and threw him over his shoulder, of course it took a lot of effort to raise Alex over his shoulder but it would take a lot more effort to get out of the situation they were going to be in if they didn’t get the hell out of there. Matt turned back to see the man starting to regain himself. This is when he broke into a full sprint and when the mob realized what had happened. You could hear the mob’s roar for miles as they turned around and marched after them. Alex was now starting to come back together as he realized Matt was carrying him,
“Hey, decide to drop in?”
Alex said lightly as he was still too weak to run by himself but it would be only a matter of minutes until he could. Matt however had other idea’s, he grunted and heaved Alex off of his back,
“I got you this far, now your on your own again!”
Matt said as he sprinted away as the mob was also after him again, as he ran away Alex sighed and then forced himself up. It went rather roughly as many bones cracked and some of them were so painful he was almost forced down again. He pushed up his bangs so wipe off the blood from his eyes. As he wiped and smeared the blood from his face he could make out about a dozen figures that were ahead of the rest of the raging blobs. They looked to be rather close, about a yard. Alex eyes widened as he spun around and ran as fast as his damaged legs could take him. He could tell the men were coming on him but he didn’t give up until he felt the warmth of one of their breath. Alex came to a complete halt as he shrank down and swinging his right leg to trip up the one right behind him. It worked as he could saw the figure collapse but the other eleven seemed to be going faster now. Alex pulled back his leg and place it on the man’s face that was on the ground. He had now realized that they were in an alley and took this to his advantage as he jumped off the face doing a front flip in the air towards the closest man, the flip really took it out of him for he had just recovered so he barely got to his target. Alex had made contact with the other man’s head and then used every ounce of strength in his body and every inch of energy as he launched off of his head and over the wall to land hard onto the rooftop to the left of the alley. Alex fainted right there on the rooftop he couldn’t have possibly gotten up after a stunt like that.


Meanwhile, Matt was panting as he turned around to see that most of the mob had gone after Alex. He felt no remorse on leaving his friend there, if he hadn’t done that then they would both have been dead. He could clearly see about thirty men out of the mob go towards him while the rest departed for Alex. Matt didn’t stop to see if they were going to be a challenge, thirty toddlers could be a problem in this situation. So he sprinted down the alley as he wasn’t quite sure on where he was headed. But, after many sharp turns his heart sank as he was upon a dead end. He couldn’t try to jump off the walls to get to the top because they were too tall, infact they looked taller then anything else he had seen in the alley so he had no other choice but to turn around and face his pursuers. Matt’s eyes widened as he saw the men, if you could call them that. They seemed to be much like giants with bat’s and swords. He backed up against the wall as he started to sweat, this look very bad. Three of the men immediately swarmed around him, one pinned him up against the wall while the other two beat on him. One had a bat and was beating into his face with it while the other was beating down into his ribs and stomach. Matt’s blood spilled down onto the ground as the beating continued until a small figure dropped down behind the two men. The figure’s identity was covered by a black cloak that covered it’s whole body. The men stopped beating down on Matt momentarily to see if they would have to start taking turns beating on people. But the twenty seven that weren’t beating on Matt charged at it. The cloaked creature quickly would duck and dodge through their legs and over their shoulders until they were fighting themselves. Eventually they were all defeated and then came a small girlish giggle from the cloaked menace. It turned around to the other three which charged in turn, it didn’t take too long for the figure to bring down the giants when it pulled down it’s hood. It was a small little girl, not even beyond the age of 6 in appearance. She had long brown hair which reached down past her shoulder. She giggled again as she approached Matt who was currently bleeding on the ground, he looked up to see the girl and then smiled to the best of his ability,
“I guess you’d be kind of tired of coming to the rescue eh?”
Matt said as the girl nodded and then frowned,
“Where is Alex? Mathew you were supposed to be watching out for him!”
Matt shook his head a bit,
“First of all I did, and the name’s Matt not Mathew. Besides, B.T he ran off somewhere when I was trying to help him! Not my fault if he wanted to take them all single handedly and when he left he abandoned me to be beaten upon by these grunts!”
Matt said as he didn’t really think B.T would believe him. B.T stood there for a few moments with a ‘are-you-stupid’ look on her face and then responded,
“umm…you do know that I read minds correct? If you didn’t spill your guts out in your head you might have gotten me but sadly it seems you never learn now do you?”
B.T said as she turned around to leave the alley to find Alex but before she left she turned around,
”And by the way, my name’s Beatrix, not B.T!”
Matt smirked for a second until he slumped over unconscious…..


Beatrix hurried down the alley and made all the turns that she had memorized from Matt’s memory. Soon she was at the spot where Matt had seen the mob split apart to find Matt and Alex. She ran towards the corner from where Alex has performed his stunt to see the mob was already starting to climb up on the wall. They had formed a human ladder and people where already starting to climb up it. Beatrix charged and right before impact jumped into the air and delivered a kick into the lower back of the start of the ladder. He fell down which brought them all down on each other, then it was just a matter of beating them senseless. Which she did quickly as she could, she received hardly any resistance since the people did not expect this at all and were confused and shocked at the same time. For one, they were confused because they just saw a 6 year old jump kick a grown man in the back and make him collapse and then they were shocked because one by one all of the men were falling by her feet. Beatrix ran up the wall and then held onto the edge which she used to pull herself up. She spotted Alex in the middle of the roof top and then walked over to him as she nudged him softly with her foot. When there was no response she lowered herself to her knees and put her head on his chest to see if he was breathing, and then she checked his pulse. He was going to die if she didn’t get him out of there. She inhaled as she lifted Alex up over her shoulder, he was very heavy for her infact she could not walk at all with him on her back. She heaved him off as he let the breath out. After that she turned around and sat down on Alex she closed her eyes to concentrate more, she was going to try and use a difficult type of magicka. Magicka is a power that many strive to achieve, whilst basic magicka isn’t that hard to achieve but if you wish to be anywhere near decent you must devote your life to learn the art of magicka. Beatrix continued to focus and then remembered where she was trying to go to, she was trying to teleport. Beatrix stood up smoothly, her eyes still tightly closed shut. She concentrated even harder until her face was getting a little red, she raised her right hand infront of her and raised her hands infront of her and put them on top of each other. Then she turned around to face Alex, she separated her hands a few inches away from each other and then a small white orb appeared between the hands. It grew larger and larger the more pressure Beatrix applied to it, and eventually it had consumed her body and still growing larger. It was a gate, anyone who was inside the orb would transport to the desired location, soon the orb consumed the three and then they transported to their home.



Chapter One

Beatrix, Alex, and Matt arrived at the steps of a humongous building. It seemed very high tech and it had over a thousand stories. Beatrix seemed to be looking at it fondly as Matt had now regained consciousness seemed to be looking at it like a prison cell,
“Here already eh”
Matt groaned as he forced himself up with a little support from Beatrix,
”Oh you don’t really hate it that much do you?”
Beatrix said lightly as she was still a bit lost in the magnificent sight of the building. Matt shook his head,
“Well, not really I’m just thinking of the fuss I’ll get for not properly looking out for Al’!”
Matt said as he visualized being beaten senseless again.
“What is it with the nicknames Mathew?”
Beatrix said as she had a frown on and turned her head towards Matt,
“And I hope you get gutted for what you did! He could’ve died! “
Beatrix said as she realized she was still in possession of him and she turned to the still unconscious Alex,
“Mathew carry him up to the medic’s, I’ll speak with the council to see if I can get you out of this mess”
Beatrix said with another frown and then marched up the steps of the building. Matt picked up Alex and then slowly trotted up the steps into the building. Once they were at the top of the steps they came upon a glass door which opened immediately and once Matt had walked through the door a well built robot approached them as a computer voice initiated,
“Identify yourself please”
The computer voice spoke out as Matt replied,
“#43 here, and my companion is #50”
Then after that there was a series of beeps and buzzes and then the computer voice spoke again,
“Very well you are permitted to continue, you are required to report to the grand council with #50 and #66. Of course this will be after #50 has recovered from his current state”
Matt nodded and then continued down the corridor and then made a sharp turn to the left where he saw Beatrix still marching down the hall when he saw an elevator but beside that a room with a red cross above it. He walked towards the room with the red cross and then a computer panel shot out of the wall and infront of Matt, it had a small voice box in the corner of the pad and out of the box came a voice,
“Please insert your numbers”
The voice said and Matt obeyed as he punched in his numbers along with Alex’s. After that the pad retracted back into the wall and then door opened which revealed the hospital inside the building. Every floor had one. Once Matt had walked in with Alex the medic’s took over from there and then rushed him inside another room away from Matt’s eyes.
Matt sighed as he slowly walked out of the room again, he was feeling kind of hungry so he decided to hit the cafeteria that was located on the 61st floor. Matt walked towards the elevator and then hit the button that stated UP. It was only a few seconds until the door’s opened and inside waited Beatrix for Matt to come into the elevator,
“You know you scare me every time you do that right?”
Matt said as he walked into the elevator and hit 61,
“So, am I off the hook?”
Matt asked hoping that he was, the last time he had gotten into trouble it did not end so good. Beatrix smiled and then nodded,
“For the time being you are off the hook, so as long as you don’t mess up for awhile then your good. To me, that sounds like your in deep”
Beatrix said as she laughed at Matt’s frown. Matt sighed once again,
“Man, I can’t even go a day without getting into trouble and now I have to steer clear for awhile!!!! Well, actually how long is a while?”
Matt asked as the elevator started to activate and lift them into the cafeteria,
“Probably only for a few weeks”
Beatrix said as she leaned up against the walls. The elevator had reached them to their destination, they both walked off the elevator as the doors shut. After they ate they both headed to bed, it had been a long day and it had cut closer then it had before in a long time.

It was early in the morning when Alex woke up in the hospital, he was feeling a whole lot better and checked out of the hospital. He still a bit sore but with a few painkiller’s he could shake it off. He was soon at his room and changed into a sleeveless white shirt with black baggy jeans along with white boxers. Alex looked at himself in the mirror as he flexed infront of the mirror for a few minutes, He smirked as he turned around and left to go pay a visit to Matt. Soon he was right outside of Matt’s door as he banged on the door until Matt answered,
“Whada fu-“
Matt started to say loudly until he was interrupted by Alex,
“dude shut it before we wake anyone else up, I bet there is a premium mission up for grabs after that bash with that gang yesterday eh? If we hurry we’ll be able to get it!”
Alex said as he looked around to see if anyone else was up but was shocked when Beatrix was right beside him,
“It doesn’t matter we are having a meeting with the rest of the operatives to see discuss the ‘behavioral’ issues that the council have been having with the operatives lately”
Beatrix said as she glared at Matt but turned to Alex again as she tugged on his hand,
“We should be going now, everyone else is already there”
Beatrix said as she led them to the top floor where the meeting was being held. Once all of them had arrived and took their seats it started. An old man in a wheeling chair rolled ahead of them all and then rode up to a stage that was in the center of the room,
“We are gathered here today to discuss some issue’s we’ve been having with out operatives. For one thing, if you are assigned to protect someone then you do it! No matter what happens you stick to your mission objective and do not run shy from it because you become injured or the odds are against you! That is not our way! Another issue we’ve been having is that some of you seem to be forgetting your place! You are operatives for The Ether! We are the only thing standing in the Order Of Magicka’s way! We cannot turn on each other or defy our own authority now that we are so close to defeating them. This is their weak point!! But, this is also our own weak point, we must try to work together and obey all commands given to you by ANY superior officer no matter how cruel or vicious it may sound because guess what? If you don’t kill them I will guarantee that they will kill you without hesitation or remorse of any sort, they view killing us as killing vermin off of the street so that we won’t spread our disease of freedom to the rest of the public! We are The Ether!! We must stand tall when others fall down and crumble we must beat the best and defeat the undefeatable! We must accomplish the impossible and spit into death’s face and show no mercy to the vicious O.O.M!”
The man was done speaking and he retreated back towards the crowd while everyone started to clap their hands in applaud.

Meanwhile, an old man in a white cloak approached the magnificent building where the meeting was taking place right now. Behind the man was a young boy the same age of Alex except he had long and flowing white hair and was a little taller then him. He also wore a white cloak except the hood was down revealing his mud like brown eyes. The young boy held a katana in his right hand with the sheath at his belt beneath the cloak. They marched in almost silently as the computer couldn’t even detect a presence. This was all taught to the young boy by the old one. Once they were past the security systems the old man spoke in an almost demonic voice,
“Now Hordak, behave yourself whilst I take care of this little errand.”
The old man spoke as he went for the elevator. Hordak, the young boy nodded,
“Yes Master Yori”
Hordak said as he waited what looked like patiently but he was actually dieing for some action and if he even heard anything he would disobey his master to get a little bit of action. Of course his master would probably beat him afterwards but it would feel so good until then. While Hordak was waiting impatiently, Master Yori was timing it perfectly to attack when they were inspired by their leader’s speech. He wanted to show the other rebellions that they stood no chance against the O.O.M! Plus, it would be so fun to see all their faces of shock when even when their so strong they are defeated by one member of the O.O.M. Of course, he was an elite member but they wouldn’t know that until it was already too late.

As master yori was waiting for the time to attack Beatrix was picking up another persons thoughts. She had never read this person before and once she had heard his thought she screeched,
“Their attacking!”
Beatrix shouted as it was already too late for anything. Master Yori grinned maliciously as he cut them down with only his fist. Matt and Alex looked at each other to make sure the other was ready as they both charged at him. They were both easily knocked away by Master Yori by a roundhouse kick and then turned his attention to Beatrix,
“You read my thoughts young girl….how?”
He questioned as Beatrix trembled, he had just defeated every operative in a matter of seconds but finally she replied,
“I just can….I don’t know why”
Beatrix said as she continued to tremble but He was very interested in this ability she seemed to have,
“How would you feel about joining the O.O.M? It holds much more then this dump does. Plus, we’ll help you control that special power of yours and we’ll also train you to be the most powerful magicka user in the world!”
Master Yori said as he looked about him to make sure everyone was down but he grinned a bit as he saw Matt and Alex, along with some other operatives stand back up,
“Oh, that guy has to go”
Matt said as he felt his sore arm and then he was the first to roll and try to jump kick Master Yori. Yori simply grabbed his leg and snapped it in half by putting an incredible amount of pressure at the knee cap and breaking through to the other side of the leg. Matt shouted in pain as Alex along with three other operatives charged at Yori. They did a combination attack with the three charging at Yori, Alex would attack from above. Immediately the plan was foiled as Yori shot a magicka beam through the torso’s of the three without even breaking a sweat. Alex who was now in the air coming down upon Yori was knocked away as Yori back flip kicked Alex in the face which knocked him out. Beatrix ran towards Matt and started to concentrate as she conjured a spark to fly from her hands to Matt’s leg to heal it completely as she passed out from exhaustion. Matt hopped up as he got prepared to fight with Yori as he was knocked unconscious by Yori as he spin kicked Matt in the face. He flew through the air and slammed down onto Alex who was about to get up, they were both under now. Yori grabbed Beatrix and put her over his shoulder………..

Chapter Two

Alex awoke soon after the intruders left, but couldn’t move because of Matt,
“Hey man, get off of me! We’ve gotta find out what happened…well why it happened”
Alex shouted in the ear of Matt which was right beside Alex, of course they knew what happened but they didn’t know why. Matt groaned in response and slowly rolled off of Alex, he was still wounded from the fight and it would be awhile until he was recovered enough to investigate. Alex took it into consideration and decided he would come back for him, no way where they going to come back, there would be no reason to. He stood up and brushed himself off as he looked at all the dead operatives,
“How is the O.O.M going to fall now? We were the only ones who stood a chance….or so we thought! How the hell could we just be defeated so easily by one member of the OOM? This is ridiculous! Could no one do anything to stop this? It doesn’t matter now though, I guess resistance really is futile. Wait! He took Beatrix! We’ve got to get her back, if she’s used as a weapon it would be devastating! There wouldn’t be a chance to beat an opponent who could read your every thought!”
Alex thought as he tried to figure out how they were going to get Beatrix back, he turned back to Matt. There would be no time for recovery, they would have to go after them and fast!
“Matt, get up! We’ve got to go get Beatrix before it’s too late. They couldn’t have gone far if they went by foot, but if they used magicka then we’re in serious trouble!”
Alex said as Matt grumbled as he stood up as he looked around,
“Okay, so my guess is that he did use magicka. They’re the O.O.M, the order of magicka! I mean c’mon what kind of member wouldn’t use magicka when it’s their specialty?”
Matt pointed out as he continued to search through the bodies,
“True, but maybe we tired him down. I mean I would like to think that the whole ether wasn’t just killed by one member and it didn’t even tire him out!”
Alex said as he went for the exit of the room,
“Either way, we’ve got to at least try to catch them. Split up, I’ll go find us a place to stay and you can go after them”
Alex said and left before Matt could even reply.


Hordak grumbled as he walked out of the building, Master Yori had told him that he would have to walk back to their home as part of their training. Hordak thought that he was just trying to torture him until he was considered a full fledged magicka user. He continued down the stairs as he heard someone behind him, he spun around to find nothing but the security computer that he had snuck past before,
“The robot must have followed me out of the building once it realized that I had not been identified”
Hordak thought as he approached it and the robotic voice initiated,
“Please Identify yourself”
Hordak chuckled a bit under his breathe and then he raised one hand about three inches from the base of the robot. For this magicka he would only need a small link that connects from his hand to the base of the robot which would cause a small explosion, destroying the robot.



Please leave information on what you liked about it or what you did not like about it, please no flaming just advice or suggestions
PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 8:31 am


I tried reading it but the you need to space out your paragraphs, my eyes keep loosing focus and I get lost, especially in the prologue. If you could seperate them with a quick edit that would be very helpful for future reading!

From what I got, you like to over emphasize things quite a lot. His hair, if it were a thousand times shorter, riddled with great and powerful muscles, etc. Your story really doesn't need those words,, great and powerful mean roughly the same thing, you could even cut out the hair part to save breath by simply stating the blood had run into his eyes.

I hate to say it, cause some of my own writing falls prey to this too, but your dialogue is a little too refined and cliche, in my opinion anyway. I find from experience if you write a book like a scriptwriter does movies, the reader tends to mock the characters who seem too perfect in their speech. As the saying goes, you need to write for your readers, personally I disagree with this, but I do believe in some of the more universal rules to writing semi-believable protagonists. One big thing is not to elevate them too far above the reader's own ego, the best characters, I think, are the ones who earn their right to perform extraordinary feats and can survive long, hard combats, which in turn solidifies their fame.

Hope this helps a bit, I'll give it another read over when you fix the spacing!

Desert_Demon


Page Of The Night

PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 11:36 am


sweatdrop alright I will work on that, thanks
PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 8:02 pm


*groans* ugh...so loooooong x.x I'm used to little short stories and poems, so it's nothing.

Now I'll be abrupt because I need to do other things whee Sorry for harshness sweatdrop


Lots of little grammar things and the paragraphs needing the spaces between them. All the descriptions about their clothing is kinda useless, I'm afraid sweatdrop Especially the little blip about Alex in the recovery room putting on "a sleeveless white shirt with black baggy jeans along with white boxers." ...The white boxers? Definately don't need to know that... xp

I say this because talking about clothes and hair really does little for the plot of the story sweatdrop Mentioning in passing what they wear and their hair once is fine, especially the strange cloaked long-haired people people, but doing it constantly, to me, seems like a distraction. I'm a clothes-hater for reading, but I used to do the same thing too... It FEELS so important, but it's not. What's happening is more important.

Although I commend the description of the muscly man domokun All those ripped muscles.....mmm...*drool*

You never explained what was happening at the beginning with the mob. I also was confused about the beginning...calling Alex a young man, then a man is confusing x.x I thought there were 3 good guys at the beginning...now re-reading it there were only 2. The sentences for the fighting were kind of confusing...maybe think about rewriting these to seem more direct.

The stunt Alex does where he jumps off a man, after being greatly damaged in a mob fight, seems to be a stretch. Unless he's one of those main character guys that manage to have that special something and manage to pull out off something and save the world miraculously.

I like the character of Beatrix 3nodding I always think little kids as wise, strong characters is cool. I think she needs a little more description while using her magic...She just passes out from exhaustion too easy. Maybe mention her "little frame" sometimes to remind us she's little...

When she manages to beat up the 2 groups of the mob, I was confused x.x I wasn't sure HOW she did it. She seems so strong in the second group o.o then she collapses cold from the use of her magic... <.< the big paragraph at the end of the prologue needs to be broken up.

Hordak needs more attention to description while attacking and using his magic. He "feels" like he should be very strong, but it's just not in the writing sweatdrop I was surprised when he managed to kill so many people...That's why I think he needs more attention while attacking.

Drop the "........" when he picks up Beatrix and leaves. Don't need them. It's effective without them. 3nodding

The man in the wheel chair...His speech...seemed more whiny and like "executive" talk than an inspiring speech deserving applause. I wanted to slap him and push him down the stairs <.<;;; Jerk. I don't know what to do with it...Maybe mention how he looks all passionate and the "gleam" in his eye for freedom from the oppressive OOM.

The whole..rebellion group...whoever and whatever they are give off a feeling of being disorganized and being the "executive driving" corrupted rebellion, not the good kind.


Reminder: The paragraphs greatly need to be broken up.

Recommendation: Focus more on plot and less on small descriptions for looks and clothing, except the magic and things I mentioned. Try to rewrite (*groan* I hate telling you this*) the sentences to be more direct. Break them up more. Use fewing of the *example* "He jumped towards the man as the man spun around agilly, slammed his club into his face and knocked him 10 feet back and blah blah." K? 3nodding


I hope this helps sweatdrop I hope I wasn't too mean or nitpicky. Honestly, the story seems like it might go somewhere very interesting..or flop. It feels very 50/50. I hope it goes the good way though wink blaugh

glorybaby

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