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 Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 1:41 pm
My common law partner and I just had our first child, a girl (Sage), a little over a month ago (Sept. 26). I expected that one or both of us would end up feeling some sort of negect issues, I though I was prepared for it and would be able to do something. But now I'm not so sure.
Last night my partner, Jason, told me in a sorta fight that he feels hugly neglected, left out, and forgoten. He's really hurt and frustrated and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. He says that I have no time for his needs whats so ever, sexually or other wise, and can't get his head around "my" problems.
He's been such a good father so far, and I really want to make him know how much I love and appricate him. He works so hard for us, and is so responsible. He's only 19, yet he's got things more together then his 40 year old father, and he doesn't deserve to feel this way.
But, I barely have time for my own needs, it feels like a luxury to get to wash my hair or eat a complette meal right now. To be homest I feel isolated from the world and in-over-my-head. I, for the life of me, can't think of a way to make him and myself feel better.
I've tried giving him time to not be a parent, told him to leave and do something he likes for a few hours away from the baby and I, but that doesn't seem to work. He say's he feels gulity leaving me alone cause he knows that I hate it. Which is true, since I started spending all day alone with the baby I do hate being alone. As for things we can do together, I'm drawing up blanks. Before she was born we enjoyed walks together, but now with the weather getting so very cold it's near inpossible. We used to also go out and do things together, like dinner, or swimming, but now with no extra money its hard.
I guess what I'm asking for is some advice or examples of how other people found ways of not only involving, but making their partners feel importent. Any advice would be great, Thanks.
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Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 6:34 pm
Don't be discouraged by a lack of responses. This guild isn't super fast-paced. We're very laid back, so sometimes it takes a bit longer to get people replying and discussing. But trust me, you'll get replies. ^_^
As for your delima, I think to an extent we all go through something like that when a new baby enters the picture. My husband felt a bit of neglect for the first few years of our childrens' lives. I mean, it's not something you can really help. You *have* to take care of a baby 24/7 no matter what. It is something he will simply have to accept for the time being. I know that sounds a bit harsh (for him), but that's just how it is when there is a little one who needs constant care and attention.
However, there are some things that you guys could do that may help to alleviate things a bit. Try planning to have a babysitter sit with the baby as soon as you're ready to have another person watch your baby. This way at least yo guys could have a bit of a date ^_^. Or, while the baby is napping (and providing you're not tired), use that time to do something with him.
Having a relationship with a young child in the picture isn't always easy. You go from being able to do whatever you want whenever you want, to having to totally alter your lives to care for a child. When this happens, you have to think more about quality than quantity (as far as spending time together goes). Make the absolute MOST out of whatever time you can get together.
Things will get better though as the baby gets older. You'll definitely get to get more time together once the baby starts sleeping the whole night and other such things. So just try and bear with it for the time being. ^_^
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 7:57 am
Thanks for the encouragement and advice. heart
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 9:43 am
First off, the big thing that jumped out to me is that he's fighting over sex. Your baby is not even 6 weeks old yet. He needs to understand BIG time from a medical standpoint, most doctors do NOT want you to have sex till you're "oked" from your postpartum checkup. ESPECIALLY if you've had stitches or a C-section.
It sounds like you mentally prepared for the changes the baby brings, but not so much that he did. I know this is blunt, but having a baby, it's not about his needs, right now it is the focus of baby and it's only been a month.
Of course, I think all of us parents have been there and the mantra "It will get better" is true. I know even with my second son, I had to have outside reassurance that it will get better. You'd be surprised how much sleeping through the night on the baby's part does for your psyche.
You DO need to focus on yourseld and baby, especially if you are breastfeeding. It's not saying you can't still focus on being a couple, you just have to reinvent your relationship. If you can get past this hurdle, it seriously makes your relationship stronger. Even with it getting cold, go for walks at a mall or something. Have a "movie night" while the baby is sleeping. Money doesn't have to be indicitive of fun. My husband and I, even on his hectic night schedule, we try to do something at least. Even if Liam is sleeping, we'll record our favorite shows and watch them later together.
I know it sounds harsh, but your partner is going to have to suck up his pride and not put more pressure on you than all ready is. If he's having trouble "wrapping" his head around your problems, write him a letter. If you two start to argue, don't let it get to that point. Just get up and leave the room. Of course we love our partners and we hate to see them frustrated and "neglected" but sometimes they have their heads up their butts and don't see how much WE do as well. Don't undervalue yourself and your needs.
Liam is almost 2 months and that first 6 weeks was VERY rough, I don't know how many times I cried and felt on the verge of the breaking point. Don't hesitate to call someone, talk to anyone.
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 10:54 am
I can understand that. My husband felt neglected for a while after the baby was born, but luckily for me, his culture has a "no-sex" policy for at least 40 days after the baby is born. As far as his sexual needs go, try telling him that doctors are worried about infections and other such things that can happen if you two are intimate in that way before your checkup. Plus, I was told that women are much more fertile for the first three months after a pregnancy and so it's that much more likely that the two of you could end up expecting baby number 2 before the year is out.
As for going out and doing things...Last year, when the weather was bad, instead of walking outside, we went to a mall and just strolled around with the baby in her stroller. We window shopped, and just tried on things for fun. I think it was the only time I ever got him to try on a full outfit at Hot Topic...
As for the money situation, if you are able to work up a budget, you can figure in a special dinner for the two of you, or rent movies someplace where the rates are cheap. We went from weekly movies at theaters to renting several from Iggle Video at Giant Eagle. I prefer the renting with snacks of my choice and I can throw stuff at the screen or be as loud as I want.
Personally, I save up spare change. Each month I end up with over a hundred dollars in coins. I use that for special treats for us, like a night out or a present just for him.
It will take work on both your parts, but when those first milestones hit, all that neglect and isolation the two of you feel will be more than repaid.
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 11:34 am
These been lots of good advise so far. Here are some other things you can do for each other. I leave my husband love notes to find in the morning before work. Take time to veg. on the couch together. You can sit on oppisite ends and rub each others feet. Find a game you can play together, we like Scene It, boggle, (and now that our daughter is almost 4 candy land). I will confess when Sascha was born we took up playing Yugio cards, for a short amount of time, it was something to do together. hee hee. Find a hobbie you can share is a good bonding tool.
Most of all just remind him that baby is only this young for a very short amount of time. This will pass, and quickly. In the future you will have much more time ofr each other, but as Luna said right now it is time to put aside other thing and focus on baby. Things won't even be like they were, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Sometimes, if you work at it and hang in there, they are better than before. Best wishes to the two of you.
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 12:22 pm
You'll be in good company here. 3nodding This happens to most, if not all relationships, post baby. It won't last forever, but it can be so hard to deal with while it's happening.
I think it's important to sit down with your partner and explain that for awhile, baby will have to be the focus. Men take lack of sex as a personal rejection and it can be hard to get them to realize it's not, even if you have talked to them. Our baby was born 5 1/2 months ago and my husband still doesn't always understand this. Try to let him know that you still find him attractive but 1. you just gave birth to your son and shouldn't be having sex, and even when you can, it's probably going to be uncomfortable and it will take time to ease back into that relationship, and 2. taking care of a baby all day leaves you with little or no energy for anything else. It's really hard to want to have sex with someone if you need sleep like nothing else. As your baby gets older and your body recovers, you'll start to notice you have a bit more energy and it will make things easier. But for now, focus on yourself and that baby; it's important to both of you.
All the suggestions in here so far have been great. I believe the emphasis on redefining your relationship is a good one, because it will never be exactly as it was before your baby was born. To believe otherwise may be a huge letdown and dissappointment. You're a threesome now, not a duo. It will take some trial and error, but you'll find ways to stay connected and enjoy each other's company that doesn't necessarily involve sex.
Right now, my husband and I have to schedule in time together, as bad as that sounds. I'm so into my own routine that if he doesn't remind me, I'll forget to spend time with him and just want to get online and go to bed. Sometimes we just watch TV while cuddling on the couch. It doesn't sound exciting, but it's a huge moral booster for both of us.
If you live near family or people you trust to babysit, by all means use them to get a date night here or there. It can be hard to leave your baby, but even 90 minutes to focus on something else is wonderful. 4laugh
Here's a related topic from about a month ago. New babies and marriage
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Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 2:00 pm
Wow, I'm so glad I checked the guild today! The advice here is priceless; I'm sure my hubby is feeling the same way now that Gabe is here; I know he's feeling the lack of sex big time and lack of 'us time'. Gabe's not on a real schedule yet, so we never know if/when we're going to get any of that time in an evening. I stay at home all day every day with the baby and Ryan goes to work all day and usually comes home to tired and frustrated me and a tired and fussy baby. That cant' be easy on him.
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Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 7:49 pm
I actually had this problem with my husband back when I had first gotten pregnant! He wasn't used to me being so tired all of the time, and sick, and there were times when I told him I'd just rather be left alone. It really made him feel so left out and hurt.
Men have a way of showing their love through sex (as I've learned from that sex therapist that was on Tyra), and my poor husband was no different. So, i made a little vow to myself to let him "show his love" for me now that my morning sickness and tiredness has worn off. Which, in the end, it'll help me out, too, because once I go into labor, my vaginal walls will stretch easier! blaugh
I've been taking a lot of advice from my husband's mom, who told me that you just have to let him know, in whatever small ways you can, that you love him. Maybe taking him to your mom's, or his mom's, for even a little while, so you could fix him a nice dinner would be nice?
I've really realized that the man in the relationship really goes through a struggle through a woman's pregnancy, though his is more emotional, while ours is more physical. My hubby works so hard to keep me comfortable and happy, so I just figure, I can work just as hard to keep him happy and comfortable, too! ^_^
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:19 pm
I've been trying to think of the most tactful way to put this and I think simplicity is best: if you haven't been in a situation, you can't give advice about it. Post-partum is a whole different creature then being pregnant.
Down playing both the physical and EXTREME emotional effects on the part of the mother post-partum just makes me angry with how ignorant it is. Telling someone to essentially 'lie there and let him do his thing,' is insulting to both her and her partner. Try having sex 6 weeks post partum with the scar tissue still sore and see how you feel about it.
How insensitive.
And even though this is off-topic, sex does not stretch vaginal walls or prepare one for birth. You want to be doing Kegals and strengthening those. rolleyes
I need to stop here because I am just getting worked up and all kinds of angry again. I just can't believe what I read. mad
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Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:20 pm
loves_funeral_song Men have a way of showing their love through sex (as I've learned from that sex therapist that was on Tyra), and my poor husband was no different. So, i made a little vow to myself to let him "show his love" for me now that my morning sickness and tiredness has worn off. Which, in the end, it'll help me out, too, because once I go into labor, my vaginal walls will stretch easier! blaugh I've really realized that the man in the relationship really goes through a struggle through a woman's pregnancy, though his is more emotional, while ours is more physical. My hubby works so hard to keep me comfortable and happy, so I just figure, I can work just as hard to keep him happy and comfortable, too! ^_^ Wow, remind me to not watch that show ever if it encourages deceit and "taking one for the team." rolleyes First off, I don't know if this is your first child, but trust me, things are different postpartum. I know it was downright PAINFUL for me to have sex the end of my second trimester and my third. Also, having sex will NOT stretch your v****a for childbirth. That is a myth and incorrect. Yes, I agree that men tend to want to express their love in a more physical way. It doesn't mean he can't do it in other ways such as massages or cuddling. It seems so 50s and misogynistic to suggest that to just sit there and let him have sex with you if you're in pain and not feeling emotionally up to it so he can "express his love". Not sure exactly how that's going to work with a baby and expressing love for a baby. I wouldn't want to insult my husband by faking enjoying sex, personally. I disagree that women just handle physical aspects of pregnancy. The emotional was really the worst. I didn't have PPD, but the baby blues hit me hard. I'm just now getting over that and I still just feel not in the mood for sex as much as I would like. If sex is your only way to show you love him and to get him to adjust to pregnancy, fine. However, I think it's insulting to suggest it to others that it's the only way to resolve an issue of adapting to a HUGE change of baby.
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Posted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 9:48 pm
When you say he feels left out and forgotten, do you think he feels excluded from the whole bonding process? Like does he ever have alone time with the baby so you can go take a shower or do something for yourself?
With my first baby, I always wanted to do everything. I'd hold him all the time, feed him, change him, bathe him, play with him. I didn't let my husband do much because he didn't have any experience with babies like I did. But I started to realize early on that I couldn't do everything all by myself. It was exhausting and it made my husband feel like an outsider. And when my husband did more with the baby, the baby was happier to have so much attention, and my husband was happy to be loved by the baby.
But if he's just whiny because you can't have sex yet until you're fully healed (which can take 6 to 8 weeks), then he needs to grow up and realize that childbirth takes a huge toll on the body. You really have to ease back into sex, or it can be uncomfortable or even painful. That's just making outrageous expectations of you to think otherwise. Sure, he has sexual needs, but right now, the baby's needs and your needs are so much more important than that.
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 10:48 am
I just though I'd thank everyone again for all the great advice and just, well, showing me someone cared and understood. It really helps.
I'm happy to report that after taking and elaborating on some of the advice things are getting better, they ate still hard at times but there is more comunication now. Which is always good.
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