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Originally published on fanfiction.net by my friend Faye, because she had an account on that site and I didn't.

Ways Not to Fix the TARDIS, or A Bloody Lot of Polarities

What happens when the TARDIS loses power

Please note that this is not meant to be canonical, or even particularly funny. This is just a oneshot I wrote because a damn power outage was keeping me from watching Doctor Who. It is a conversation between an unspecified Doctor and an unnamed female companion, at an unspecified time. I suppose I imagine the Doctor as the Tenth, since that is whom I would have been watching had the electricity not been out. But the polarities are more of a Third Doctor thing, and the Ninth is the one who said “Fantastic” all the time, so imagine whom you will.

C- Doctor? What happened?

D- In here! We've temporarily lost power; nothing to worry about. There is a horrid half-clicking, half-clashing sound

C- What's that awful noise?

D- Just charging a portable photon generator. Nothing to worry about.

C- Oh. How can the TARDIS lose power?

D- Some little malfunction...Probably can be fixed by reversing the polarity.

C- Then why don't you reverse it?

D- Oh, it's easy enough to see that I need to reverse the polarity; it's another to see which polarity needs to be reversed. There's a bloody lot of polarities around here. Grab a generator. Just shake it--that's a good girl--and it should produce enough photons to last you until I figure out the proper polarity. Hope you've got something to occupy your time--this might take several hours.

C- Hours? What am I going to do for hours?

D- You're a smart girl; you'll think of something. Check in that cabinet there--I think there's an old-fashioned CD player in it. It's too damned quiet. Put in...oh, how about Pirates of Penzance? Now that was a fine show. The Pirates of Penzance begins playing. Fantastic. Not quite as good as the original cast, of course, but quite good.

C- You saw the original cast?

D- Of course. Wonderful production. Where did I put the sonic screwdriver?

C- It's over there.

D- Thank you. crash That hurt. That hurt quite a bit. Here it is! Let's see...zapping sound Ouch! Wrong end. That really hurt. another zap Ouch!! Right end, wrong setting. Hold that generator a little bit closer. There we go...small explosion Well, I think we can safely say that this was not the polarity that needed to be reversed.

C- You think?

D- Yes, I think a great deal. I think, therefore I am. Let's try this one. Another explosion Nope. Definitely not. What about that one? Another explosion Wrong polarity again. Oh, well.

C- This is just a waste of time!

D- A waste of time? Certainly not. We've already discovered three ways not to fix the TARDIS. At this rate, we'll discover twenty ways before tea.

C- I'd rather discover the way to fix the TARDIS, Doctor!

D- You're no fun at all; too impatient. If you'd traveled in this thing for 900 years, you'd learn that learning how not to fix it is just as important as learning how to fix it. zapping sound

C- Ouch!

D- Sorry. We definitely don't want to reverse that polarity. Let's go over here. Watch out for the--

C- Ouch!!!

D- Big thing in the middle of the floor. That must have hurt.

C- It did.

D- Sorry.

I'm seeing Fourth Doctor. Not sure why.
Very funny!
This is a pitifully short review, isn't it? Sorry.

ha, I imagine the fourth doctor as well....

I have some constructive critisism....rather than this

D: lalala another exposion talking soundeffect

it should be

D: lalala

*another exlosion*

D: Talking

*sound effect*

takes up more space? yup....easier to understand? yep...

It could be dialog between the 4th Doctor and Sarah Jane. I always liked writing fan fiction with them. I don't think that the companions are generically written, but there are certain qualities in the Doctor/companion relationship that dictate such dialog. It is the sort of generic vignette, however, that could match to almost any combination of Doctors and companions.

I didn't hate Peri, but I didn't like her. With the arrival of Adric (who looked pretty good after a while, by comparison), the next several seasons of companions were all hideous, with the exception of Ace. Nyssa was a know-it-all, and Tegan was just obnoxious. Turlough! The less said about him the better, unless you count Kameleon as a companion. I count him as a piece of junk. And I really disliked Grace, who was such a snot! The chinese kid, whose name I don't even remember, was too much like Adric, only worse. Rose and Mickey were the first normal, likable companions (except, as i said, for Ace) since Romana and K-9 left.
Peri was annoying with her squealy, whiny voice and her silly costume (didn't she have anything else to wear???), but even she was preferable to (choke!) Melanie! What a horrid little woman!

Great job! I saw Ten and Rose myself. Only because I'm a crazed shipper. I live in the past. But anyway, that was great. Sounded just like Ten and Rose. Except for the fantastic part, but I supposed he might've learnt to say it some time.

Anyway, I was just wondering what the reaction would be from someone who saw the companion as one of his male companions, such as Adric. I mean, it is possible that someone could have seen Four and/or Five in this story, and Adric as the companion. Adding lines like that's a good girl and you're a smart girl really contradict the fact that both males and females were companions. And it sounds just like my science teacher talking.

But anyhow, back to the story. I just think you could've emitted those lines from it, due to the fact that the Doctor had many male companions.

Otherwise, great story! I laughed. It seems like the Doctor to find the wrong polarity to reverse. Great story. Congrats to you!

I definitely see Fourth Doctor...but it's hard to actually see with the TARDIS power off. xD -shot-

Maybe Sarah-Jane Smith? But only because of the 'smart girl' comment.