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 Posted: Sun Oct 29, 2006 1:57 pm
I've always held everything in. All of my emotions about different things, my thoughts, my fears..pressures..everything. I met a guy and I could open up to him so easily, tell him anything. I've never really had anyone I actually went with more intense problems that I've had. With some other problems..I usually went to my mom...but I can't tell her everything, just because I don't want her to worry about me..she's had a lot to go through already, and I didn't want me to be on her mind too.
Well..I met this guy on Gaia, and he doesn't live near me. I've been trying to save money up so I can go and see him and stuff. We talk a lot, we were bf and gf. He helped me and I hope I helped him...We conected fast, and he became my best friend. I fell in love with him, he made me feel like I could do anything..that I was loved, that I didn't have to worry about things as much as I do, because everything would work out in the end. He was the one thing that I was so sure about in my life..for a long time.
One night..he told me that I had more feelings for him then he did for me. That he didn't really love me like I loved him. He had been thinking about a lot of stuff, and he's thought about breaking up with me a few times before. This totally broke my heart...I never felt that kind of pain before. I never saw it comming..because we were so good together..and we talked about everything. The next weekend we broke up. He said that he still loved me, just he can't love me the way that I love him. We still talk a lot, and we're keeping our relationship as really good friends right now. It hurts to talk to him sometimes..because I still love him so much, and I know that he doesn't return the feelings for me.
I think that was my breaking point, with everything else that's happened...that was what hurt the most..and I couldn't take it. I keep crying, I get sick..I hate myself, think about what people would do if I were to die (FYI, I'm not thinking about hurting/killing myself...I'm just thinking more about if I were to die). My personality has changed, I know it has, because I can feel it. I don't like the way I am now...and it feels like I'm drowning in this thick, black water. The more I try to reach the top, to breathe, the further I sink into it, and it just gets darker..and colder. I've already had anxiety problems before I met him, they started to ease more as I began to fall in love. Now..they're comming back with more intensity sometimes. I feel like I don't have anyone or anything to conect with anymore. I've always been the "go to person" for others..when they needed someone..they came to me. I felt that I had to be strong, because that's what I had to be. Once they got the help they needed..I faded back into the background until someone needed me again. I feel like I've just been..used..I guess (by other people..not by my ex or my family)
I have a good home life, I love my parents and my siblings, and they all love me. Yes..things get hard, but you get that. I don't know why I feel like this, because I do have people that love me...but I just feel like I don't have anything, that I'm losing everything and I can't do anything about it. I've talked to some people about it, and they think I'm in depression, but I'll be ok when I'm around people...like I put on an act so they won't worry about me..but the second I get alone..I just start crying, and hating myself. Sometimes I do leave people I'm around and go by myself to do it, when I can feel it comming and I'm around them. It's getting harder to hold it in though, and I don't want to make people worry about me.
What should I do? Was I stupid for falling in love with him before we actually met? How am I suppose to get a grip on my emotions? I just feel so lost, sinking in that thick, dark water...and no one is going to grab my hand and pull me out. Like..no one can save me, but I keep trying desperately to get out, but I'm getting so tired now.
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Posted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 12:44 pm
I do not know if I would go so far as to say that it was stupid to fall in love with him. It might not have been logical, but sometimes emotions just aren't logical. You can consider it a learning experience. Honestly, there are going to be people that you connect with on the internet and even the phone, but not at all in person. So you do have to keep that in mind when talking to people on the internet. People can hide an awful lot about themselves on the internet and phone. Even if they are honest, however, you can't be sure you would be attracted to them and get along with them in person. Stuff like this happens all of the time. I highly doubt this is the last time that it will happen to you. Just keep in mind that you don't need someone else to make you happy or to make you a complete person.
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Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 3:15 pm
Heya Spock, ive been looking everywhere for you. ^^
I once loved a person online, it was just because we helped each other through problems and sometimes its better to go to someone you dont know with your problems.
It probably hurt me less because i knew it wasnt going to last, whejn she became distant and it was offical that there was no more loving between each other. I think it was because one of us didnt need the other anymore, or we used them up to much.
Your guy friend probably felt that the relationship you two had together wasnt real or he was using you. You'll find other people and you'll find another person who you care just as much for or more.
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Posted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 12:54 pm
Usually when you are depressed and not doing so well in life. Its not the best idea to get involved with someone on the relationship point. Doctors try to tell patients also thats it's not good and there are many reasons that support this.
When your despressed and you like someone, you tend to use them as a crutch, they make you happy and you are not making yourself happy. Relying on someone to make you happy is dangerous, if you get in a fight, you hit rock bottom, if you break up, your even more worse than before. It's hard, and i know from experience that its not good to have someone be your everything when your not in a good state of mind. Feelings are usually stronger and come faster when your like this. You feel you really need someone, that you go looking for that someone to make it all better. And if you find that someone, you attach quickly to them. As you said, you conencted fast, and i have done that to, and i attach to them. I want to talk to them all the time everyday and everynight. Then you can come on too strong and scare them away, or give and read mixed signs.
Breakups are difficult on themselves, for both people. So when your Depressed and have a break up, it causes that much more pain.
I belive in friends and help. But you can't let them do everything. My friends are mostly those on GAIA and i have many to talk to when i am and they are feelings down. But if there not online, or i can't get to a computer, i need to be where i can save myself. People say friends don't matter or that its over rated. But we all need someone to listen and try to understand and relate to.
When my ex of 3 years left me, it was very hard. We don't talk much anymore becuase i'm not over her, but i respect her and catch up once in a while, but i dont ask about her boyfriend and her love life. Nor do i go on myspace and try to see whats going on with the two of them.
I hope you do well talking with him. BUt if you find it hard sometimes, keep it to a less personal level. As so you won't get jealous or bring up missed memories.
*hugs*
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