Mark Morford, AKA God, wants you to get pregnant.

[ntropi]

Attention Liberals: Please Breed
Conservatives are outbirthing libs by a wide margin. How soon can you get knocked up?
- By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Friday, September 29, 2006


Let this be your rallying cry. Let it be your new hot-button topic, a raw naked condomless blog-ready wildfire underground grassroots crusade, your juiciest of incentive programs, your inspired call to hot naked impregnable sperm-a-riffic action.

Because the statistics are ugly, getting uglier: Despite all divine hope and prayer to the contrary, it looks like baby-happy conservatives are outbreeding liberals by a margin of some 20 to 40 percent.

It's a fact. It's a trend. It's an onslaught. It's a dreadful soul-curdling predicament and the reasons for the Republican baby blitz are myriad, having to do with the lethal Christian belief that God really wants big narcotized families and birth control is a sin and, well, what the hell else are social conservatives gonna do with all that oily Halliburton stock and Lockheed Martin profit? Donate to charity? Buy some Implanon? Save the planet? Ha.

It is, as you can imagine, a looming catastrophe. But I am here to help. I am here to inspire the resistance, to propose solutions to this disastrous fertility gap and to help get liberals into the sack sans protection so they may go forth and multiply the number of people who adore "The Daily Show" and read actual books and think Aaron Sorkin is some sort of god.

Let me make the first offer right now: For every concerned well-educated progressive who reads this very column and agrees to have a child or two (instead of the increasingly common liberal alternative of, you know, getting a dog), which they will then lovingly nudge down the path of nuanced free-thinking nondogmatic independence, I shall hereby offer my personal services.

Like, say, babysitting. Free, once a month, so you and the spouse can go catch a movie and some Thai noodles and have public sex in Golden Gate Park, just like the old days. (Note: I am presuming you have HBO and wireless DSL and three kinds of single-malt scotch in your bar and a working hot tub, and I can put the kids to bed at 6 p.m.) Deal?

Or perhaps you'd like some free columnist swag? I have, right here on my desk, a stack of Possum Fur n****e Warmers from my friends over at the New Zealand Nature Co. They're yours, with proof of liberal sonogram.

I hereby offer you a free lifetime subscription to The Chronicle. Please note: The Chronicle has no idea I am offering this. But I am quite certain they will see the value, especially when they envision the alternative: a future full of uninformed media lemmings who only read Christianity Today and Playboy and Forbes. Shudder.

You still really, really want that dog? No problem. We shall start a program: Free rescued Golden Retriever or Labrador with every successful ovum fertilization. Free puppy/baby organic ice-cream socials in the parking lot at regional Whole Foods, once a month. Bonus: I shall even throw in my mad baby-naming skills. You need a stupendous, unique name for your new child? I am here for you. Jarrod. Allegra. Zaya. Rowan. Pomegranate. See? I've got a million of 'em. Well, maybe a hundred. Send me an e-mail. First come, first served. So to speak.


See, I am all about the incentives, all about providing the hot spark for your juicy procreative fire. And apparently we really need the motivation. Because the same census data show that progressives are having fewer babies, also for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that most of us live in big cities and housing costs are insanely growth-prohibitive and it's just too difficult to put the baby's room in the closet with the wireless router and the yoga equipment and the hydroponic, er, "medical" plants.

Not to mention the thing about progressive city dwellers generally possessing higher intelligence, better educations, a more nuanced understanding of the world. Translation: We tend to think that if God wants anything at all, She wants free birth control and fewer warmongering cretins and the wild uncontrolled spread of unconditional nondenominational love of a kind that doesn't necessarily require a diaper and a burp blanket and a college fund. I'm just saying.

I am willing to go even further. Pending the necessary venture capital, I shall open the Mark Morford Summer Camp for Luminous Toddlers. Here is where kids will learn the fine arts of archery, yoga, organic farming, naughty Spanish slang, frat-boy incapacitation techniques, sake classifications, Fox News Neocon Bull-- Detection, how to properly tune a Fender Strat, and how to look at breeding Christian conservatives and laugh and shrug and offer them a drink and a vibrator and a copy of "Jitterbug Perfume" and a polyamorous weekend in Sonoma.

Why do I offer all this? Because the time is now. The issue is urgent. And because, well, I was wrong. I've always believed that it didn't really matter if conservatives were breeding more than liberals, because (the theory went) most kids invariably rebel against their parents' narrow dogma and hence all those GOP-duped kids would eventually wake up and run from the Dark Side like smart women shun the Catholic Church. Right?

Wrong. Turns out that four out of five kids end up sticking with the same political and religious affiliation as their parents, be they left, right or center. Hence, if the numbers continue as they are, we are on a collision course with a giant oatmealy wall of rashy whitewashed red-state blandness.

I know what you're thinking. Encourage breeding? In this abused, exploited, Bush-torn, Jennifer Aniston world? This is, you can argue, pure anathema to the progressive cause. And you are absolutely right. This is why I suggest another glorious option: adoption.

It's a solution as elegant as it is globally beneficial: We shall import the millions of orphaned foreign babies from China and India and Africa. We shall spread them evenly across the red states like exotic fertilizer and raise them as open-minded and spiritually inquisitive and hugely intelligent with a great eye for design and good sex toys and electric sports cars.

Voilà: Within a couple generations, we will have a class of gorgeous American beings who will effortlessly dazzle and woo the terrified Republican white-bread populace, and they will all interbreed and we shall beautifully mongrelize the gene pool and beat fundamentalist conservative righteousness out of the American bloodstream with the big stick of good sex and divine love and dark almond eyes.

What, too utopian? Too Angelina-Jolie-fever-dream? Fair enough. I am open to more practical solutions. Pouring massive amounts of birth control into the water supply in Kentucky and Utah and Colorado? Free condom-application demonstrations by porn stars with every fill-up of your Chevy pickup in Idaho? A global-warming luxury tax on all new Republican babies especially if conceived while listening to Kenny Chesney or Carrie Underwood? Works for me.

Meantime, preliminary sign-ups for the MMSCLT begin now. Oh, and if you need to become pregnant, I might be able to help with that, too. I have the experience. I know some people. It is, after all, your choice. You know what you have to do. What are you waiting for?  

[Prinsesse Maggie]

I'm living proof you can be raised by conservatives without becoming one.

I do plan on breeding one day, but not because some columnist said to. How asinine.  

[Talon-chan]

I'm torn over breeding. I don't particularly want a child, and could consider myself childfree if not for the fact I am "open" to children one day. I am open to the possibility I may change my mind and eventually opt to have a child instead of just fur babies. However, I do know that I'd like to adopt instead of birth because a very large part of my opposition to children is being pregnant and giving birth in the first place. I'm also opposed for financial reasons, but if things go well and I'm an upper-middle class American one day I'd probably be able to afford one.

And if I have a kid, I will surely indoctrinate it with the ability to think.  

[Akhakhu]

That's hilarious!

But yes, this has always been the case. Throughout history, the political sides that have most disgusted me have always had the highest breeding rates. Coincidence? I think not.  

[Sexbomb Hermione]

adabyron

I'm living proof you can be raised by conservatives without becoming one.

I do plan on breeding one day, but not because some columnist said to. How asinine.

Really? My entire family is conservative, except for me. I'm working on my sister already. She's 9, and is growing up liberal already. cool  

[Trite~Elegy]

Quote:

naughty Spanish slang, frat-boy incapacitation techniques

LOL


I'm myself am proof that you can come from a broken home created by conservative morons and still come out liberal as hell.

I like the idea of adoption.
not little babies - older kids, like 6,7,8,9 years old.
maybe I'll have a kid of my own one day...or maybe just over my dead body.

who really know's what the future holds.
one promising but not, outlook is that republicans will hold office for the next few years, get into a war with a country like korea because they just can't play nice, put up a draft and send/kill off all those white breaded jesus loving kiddies biggrin  

[Half Baked SF]

I'd rather corrupt the minds of innocent born children twisted

Wait, only the unborn are innocent. Damn.  

[Peppermint Schnapps]

My dad is conservative as hell, and my mom is pretty liberal. Yeah, it doesn't make much sense to me, either. I'm not sure what my brother's political stance is, but I grew up to be pretty liberal, and I'm sure my sisters will, too. My brother lives with my dad, but if I'm correct he hates Bush, so he's probably leaning more towards the liberal side of things.

I'm proud of myself for educating my friend on the abortion issue. Both of his parents are pro-life, but after I showed him the guild he decided that the pro-life stance doesn't make any sense. I done good. cool  

[Half Baked SF]

adabyron

I'm living proof you can be raised by conservatives without becoming one.

I do plan on breeding one day, but not because some columnist said to. How asinine.

Because, you know, he didn't intend on being humorous or anything.  

[LadyInWhite]

I am going to have a brat when i am 25 years old. I will still be in university but my first brat HAS to be when i'm 25. That is my plan for the future. Even if i have to adopt (which i was planning to anyway).

This actually amuses me because one of our politicans (a woman no less) encouraged Austrias Youth to breed a few years ago because there are too many old people and not enough young (a common problem in europe). Except breeding in Austria is beneficial because the government gives you money once a month (218€ ~ 273$) which you are supposed to use to take care of the brat.  

[Prinsesse Maggie]

foxxy_love_sugar

adabyron

I'm living proof you can be raised by conservatives without becoming one.

I do plan on breeding one day, but not because some columnist said to. How asinine.

Really? My entire family is conservative, except for me. I'm working on my sister already. She's 9, and is growing up liberal already. cool

Yup, my whole family voted for Bush except me.  

[Akhakhu]

My mother sent me a bunch of brochures for the political candidates recently. She'd penned over the faces of all the republicans with messages like this "this guy is evil!" and "whatever you do, don't vote for this one!"

I'm pretty sure my mom is a liberal biggrin  

[GreenSouthpaw]

Toga! Toga!

I'd rather corrupt the minds of innocent born children twisted

Wait, only the unborn are innocent. Damn.

No no, further still: the unborn are as impure as the 'innocent' born because they're the product of original sin. Corrupt the minds of the innocent ova!

 

[234518]

Kukushka

That's hilarious!

But yes, this has always been the case. Throughout history, the political sides that have most disgusted me have always had the highest breeding rates. Coincidence? I think not.

The lower the lifeform, the more it reproduces. Definitive proof that those far right wing nutjobs mentioned in the article are little more than germs. 3nodding  

[HouyoTsunamiMatrix]

Get pregnant? xp

I'll try...