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Which Came First - Chicken Or The Egg?
Chicken!
18%
 18%  [ 2 ]
Egg!
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Neither, they came into existence simultaneously -long scientific explanation here-
45%
 45%  [ 5 ]
Neither. The cow came first, b***h.
36%
 36%  [ 4 ]
Total Votes : 11


Kyribird

Aged Codger

PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2006 10:34 pm


Closed
PostPosted: Fri Oct 13, 2006 8:14 pm


hoho first post X3 <3


OMG ROMS T____T

my biggest weakness <3

its me debz

Wicked Shadow


The Kat Aclysm

PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 4:39 pm


Muaa, critique! =3

Daciana's name is pretty. The name and last name suits the Romanian background she's come from. As for her backstory, the immigration details to the United States seem a little sketchy. Circumstances behind the move are wonderful (not for the chara though, poor thing!), the actual immigration details are a bit under-detailed. Did Mom and daughter come to the US illegally (ie: trafficked boat people)? Or did they file through immigration legally? (this would hold them up quite a bit, for US immgration papers and organization can take quite a while) In the 80's I believe that US immigration was easier than it is now but if you have them go in legally, it might require a bit of reading up on. Of course, they could also come into the US under filing for Refugee status, especially if the country they're coming from was torn up by war. Up to you really. Any of these ventures could be fun to read up on.
I noticed you commented that she didn't attend school in the New York City district they lived in until she was in the 5th grade. Again yea, the legality of their US entry would be a bit of an issue in enrolling in a school, but minor detail really.
I read the rest of her history, sounds good! Didn't see terribly much wrong with the personality either. She sounds like a fun character. =3

The animal choice is quite fun too. We need more avian creatures in general on the island, so I bet that a Red-Breasted goose would be a welcome addition to Moreau's growing zoo. Though with that animal choice, some islanders might be tempted to call her a silly goose. razz Hehehe.

All you need now is a "How my character gets to the island" piece of info. You don't have to make the animal choice tie in with that either, as Sabin/Arania has said herself that ICly, 90% of the time the lab techs just use whatever they were working on that day. I'm just mentioning this so you don't have to struggle with trying to tie it in.

Overall, apart from one or two minor hitches in the history, I think you have a very sound multi-faceted character that would get on quite well on the island, and the animal choice is great. I wish you the best of luck in getting her there!
PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 4:47 pm


Thank you so much!

Will definitely have to look up on the immigration in the 80's - I did a fair bit of research about the revolts and protests and life in Romania during that time. It wasn't so great so Refugee certainly could work. I hadn't thought of that.

And really? Daci IS a silly goose XD I mean, she believes she's psychic. *Bricks her a few times* Silly goose!

Yeah =) I need to write the how the character gets to the island - and I have a reletive idea. Just trying to figure out why Moreau would want her specifically. I know she wants to go on for a vacation because of too much work (Haha, how common is that? XD)

But really, thank you again.

Kyribird

Aged Codger


Kyribird

Aged Codger

PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 9:38 pm


May be changing her history to immigration to Canada. After some digging I found that a wave of Romanian immigrants popped into Canada in 1989 following the revolution that they escaped from:

Another wave of Romanian emigration to Canada occurred after 1989 following the Romanian Revolution of 1989, when people obtained the right to leave Romania subsequent to the fall of Communism in Eastern Europe.

>_> now to figure out how to change this to keep with consistancy...

But they also waved into USA:

After the revolution of December 1989, which brought an end to Communism in Romania, thousands of new immigrants of all ages came to the United States; and new arrivals (legal and illegal) continue to enter the country. The elimination of Communist travel restrictions, the desire of thousands of people to be reunited with their American relatives and friends, and the precarious economic conditions in the new Romania were powerful incentives to come to America for a new start in life. Among the newcomers were professionals, former political prisoners, and others who were disenchanted with the new leadership in Romania.


Thoughts...?
PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 10:07 pm


AH. Fortune-teller/Rom character~ WIN. My mum had a friend that worked as a carnie too[/random] Very neat concept you have there. -was thinking of doing a Roma character before he decided on his present quest character-

Haha, I wish I was better at critquing so I could add some more helful ideas but...I'm bad at advice. Still, neat idea~

Kokonotsu


oneironym

Stubborn Strategist

PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 10:26 pm


"However, this doesn't seem to fly with her occupation since it looks WAY too plain so she tends to end up curling it along coloring it to a deep red color."
Does it or doesn't it fly? Using "seem" makes this sentence kind of awkward.

"Daci's average in height – around 5'7'' and is reletively average in her weight as well."
I think you mean "relatively".

"Nothing incredibly skinny but nothing incredibly fat."
The wording of this sounds strange to me. Do you mean no parts of Daciana are incredibly skinny or fat, or she overall is neither?

"When she was five years old, Daciana's father, tired of the poverty and communism, joined the rebellion to over throw the regime."
"Overthrow" is one word.

"... more Specifically, Brookfield."
Don't need a capital "s" there.

"It wasn't good money, but it was enough to pay the rent on the house and put food on the table for both of them as well as put Daciana in clothes that weren't ripped, torn and otherwise mauled."
I think you need a comma after "then" and change "put" to "to put" in both places. Keep the structures parallel - to pay, to put.

"Emily had done a good job teaching her the basics over the four years they had been acquainted and while she wasn't the smartest bean in the barrel, she was able to pass the exams to get into the 5th grade."
Put a comma after "... over the four years they had been acquainted".

"Often times, Daciana returned to her original language in frustration and only managed to alienate herself further from the other children...."
Maybe elaborate on this a little? This seems to have a big effect on her elementary school years. Just how bad was the teasing? Was it limited to her speech?

"Again, things changed for Daciana when she entered High School."
"High school" need not be capitalized.

"Still, she was socially stunted and had very little skills in that area."
You'll want to say "very little skill" or "very few skills". Otherwise it sounds like the skills are little.

"... preferring books, her notebooks, and her teachers to the company of her classmates."
If you're going to preceed this with a semicolon, it needs to be a complete sentence.

"It was money that was needed for her to get things for school that her mother's salary simply would not support."
This sounds very awkward to me. You may want to reword it.

"Later, this job would come in handy when it came to purchasing her fortune telling supplies."
Eugenia's job or Daciana's job?

"While she had once loved her daughter dearly, looking at her, the spitting image of her father, made her ache."
Did Eugenia make any efforts to find Daciana when she ran away?

"Daciana has never been kissed, has never went on a date, and really has no interest in doing so."
Replace "went" with "gone" or "been".

"With her own mother's rejection and the children's rejection at school, Daciana has learned to be more than independent."
Make sure it's "rejection" both places. Also, get rid of "has" - keep things in past tense.

"... she's only been able to rely on herself with the exception of Emily when she was younger."
Put a comma after "herself".

"She's actually pretty good at [reading people]."
Is this a natural talent she has had since a young age, or is it something she picked up? You never really talk about it until the end of her story, when she started doing Tarot readings. Did it have an effect on her relationship with the children at school, or with her teachers? You mentioned Daciana liked to watch people when she was younger, rather than interacting, but when did she really learn to read them?

"Daci's only truly sociable when she's got her deck of tarot or her little crystal ball and is doing a reading."
This is the first place you mention the crystal ball. You may want to at least point out where in her life she acquired it.

"Aside from her socially retardedness..."
"Retardedness" is a noun, so "social" would be appropriate here, not "socially".

"... engage her in some kind of intellectual thing."
It might be good to be more specific about this. A debate? Just a discussion? Or more of a one-sided sharing of knowledge like a lesson?

"Daci will never, ever, take the pains to learn another language."
Get rid of the comma after "ever".

"Then again, it also helps her with her business to see her be so passionate about what she does and believes in."
The wording of this sentence is a little confusing to me. You should specify that it's her customers seeing her so passionate about her work.

"It's unknown WHY she believes so strongly in her ability but it's something that makes her eyes light up and was one of the few joys she had when she was younger and growing up."
You say in her history that she gets her first Tarot deck in the middle of her sophomore year of high school, with no real previous interest mentioned.
PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 10:56 pm


Thank you, Kumo hon. I believe I went back and fixed everything you mentioned and added in information to clarify/fill in things =)

Kyribird

Aged Codger


Kyribird

Aged Codger

PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 10:58 pm


Kokonotsu
AH. Fortune-teller/Rom character~ WIN. My mum had a friend that worked as a carnie too[/random] Very neat concept you have there. -was thinking of doing a Roma character before he decided on his present quest character-

Haha, I wish I was better at critquing so I could add some more helful ideas but...I'm bad at advice. Still, neat idea~


Thank you surprised Would love to see another Rom xD Something in common with Daci = YAY
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