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What the heck did I mean to say?

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Rock The Vote
well...that sucked
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
I'm in love
33%
 33%  [ 3 ]
not bad yo xD
66%
 66%  [ 6 ]
Total Votes : 9


~Nefex~

PostPosted: Sat Oct 07, 2006 8:08 pm


He walked over to my desk, such a sweet attempt, had I not be preparing to leave. I stood up, but walked slowly, letting him know I was up for small talk. He rambled on about the aged appearance of the room. I nod along and add a smile and a laugh at times. We leave the room, walking down the corridor and it’s then I miss something he says. I pull out my headphones, from which I had been listening to. Bad sign. Now he thinks I wasn’t listening to anything he was saying and I can see the sad smile form across his face.
“Sorry didn’t catch that. What?” mentally I’m smacking myself.
“Which way are you headed?” he says, still friendly.
It’s there I notice we’ve reached the end of the hall.
“This way” I say pointing to the right. He’s going left, so we leave one another.
Damn headphones.



Comment please, feedback is loved biggrin
PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 1:21 am


A nice romantic start, keep going! heart heart

the_weird_1


Jhesy

PostPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2006 2:38 pm


Some of the sentences don't sound natural to me, and you switched between tenses a few times.

Quote:
had I not be preparing to leave... He rambled on about the aged appearance of the room...


Have you read it out loud to yourself? That might help you see where to strengthen it.
PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 11:21 am


i agree with jhesy, fix your tenses and it'd be great. i love it though. i really wanna know what happens next.

leilycoh

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The Cranky Writers' Guild

 
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