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 Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 2:08 pm
Three may keep a secret,
if two of them are dead.
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 2:16 pm
name Zaoll
name meaning N/A
gender female
species Fa'e? (statue!)
appearance
personality Zaoll has an indomitable take-no-s**t personality. She is a single-minded brute of a girl who'd as soon be subtle as slit her own wrists, cannot take a joke properly, and values her own ability to control herself. Extremely skilled at presenting a stable front, Zaoll is very aware of her own limits. If an obstacle presents itself, she will stare it down or bust through it.
Her aggression can be triggered quickly and disappear just as fast, and never appears against someone who is not threatening her. She is nevertheless an honorable person who keeps her word; even though she's not exactly subtle she always keeps a secret, unless it might hurt someone else. And even then she'll normally keep it unless she really likes the person who's gonna get hurt.
She usually demonstrates a reactive personality as compared to an aggressive, forward-moving one. Even though she doesn't talk much, she enjoys being around people, especially people who know what they're going for or else have a similar personality and drive. She doesn't like being bossed around, and in fact won't get bossed unless someone knows her real name, at which point they'll be able to make her do whatever they want.
Zaoll sets goals and then achieves them, like clockwork. However, it's somewhat rare that she has a remarkable goal, since she likes to exist in a comfortable, normal medium. Change is not much her style. She likes it when things are orderly and neat, but doesn't really like boring and repetitive tasks, such as making her bed. Most of her cleaning gets done as she wanders through an area, so it doesn't fall under "repetitive" since she never cleans anything the same way twice.
She depends greatly on her ability to take an absurd amount of damage before anything else. It's far more common to see her cramming for an exam than to see her pacing herself, for instance, since going one night without sleep won't phase her too much. Likewise, when necessary, she will place herself between someone and their aggressor because she knows she can take the damage and the other person probably can't.
Even though she lives in close quarters with people, no one is aware of her powers except for Zaoll. Zaoll is a very good secret-keeper.
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 2:17 pm
So once upon a time there was this goddess, Angerona we'll call her, who was all the guardian goddess of Imperial Rome. Nobody really knows her real name, since it was a state secret and if you told someone you could bet your sweet bippy that some angry mobs would be ripping you apart pretty fast. She wasn't the only protective deity to hang out around the capital of the Roman Empire, especially since said Empire was pretty good about capturing other cities' protective deities and making them Angerona's assistants instead. Angerona totally did not mind this, since it was kind of boring when you were usually the only goddess incarnate in the area at any given time.
Every so often - in fact, every winter solstice - the Romans would hold a festival that was called the Angeronalia, or the Divalia, or the Divaila Angeronae, in the Curia Acculeia, except for the one time it was performed in the Temple of Volupa, which almost was very bad because Verrius Flaccus sort of accidentally revealed her real name. But that was all right, there were some pretty hardcore mobs around that day willing to tear some poor bastards apart. Nothing accomplishes the goals of the Angeronalia (lightening the spirit, freeing it from anguish and anxiety) like a good-old-fashioned lynching, right?
Now, it also happens that some of her other names were Lara and Lala, which coincidentally were also the names of the foster mother of Romulus, one of the founders of Rome! This also made her the mother of all Romans, which sort of explains why she was the protective deity even though she is really otherwise a goddess of sneaky secrets and bringing on fear and winter solstices and stuff.
After she'd been the goddess of Rome for a while, Angerona happened to overhear Jupiter planning to cheat on his wife by raping Angerona's sister Juturna. Now, Angerona was a goddess of secrets, but letting the King of the Gods rape her sister did not quite fall under a secret she was dying to keep, if you know what I mean. So she of course went and told Juturna all about Jupiter's evil plan, and then just in case, she told Juno too.
This didn't go over too well with Jupiter, who decided that if Angerona just couldn't talk he wouldn't have had this problem, so he ripped out her tongue and bound her mouth shut. Then he told Mercurius the messenger god to lead her on to Hades, where Mercurius decided to have some fun and raped Angerona. Unluckily, Angerona became pregnant and bore the Lares Compitales, who were the guardian spirits of crossroads. Lovely.
And she kind of hung out in Hades for a while, as the city she was supposed to be protecting kind of wasted away, which didn't go over too well with her, especially because when Rome got sacked, so did she. This was so majorly not cool she attempted to demand a chance to properly defend Rome next time through. By the time a new city was built atop the ruins, Angerona had long faded away.
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 2:18 pm
Stone affinity - As a defense mechanism, Zaoll can meld into stone, effectively merging with it until she decides to come out. She cannot communicate with it, or talk to others while inside a wall. Nor is she very fast at passing through; it's like trying to walk through a wall of molasses - possible, but extremely slow going. (protective deity of rome = rome is made mostly from marble = marble is stone = hiding in stone as a reference to how no one knew angerona's true name, even though the goddess protected every stone of the city?)
Frost - Within a ten foot radius of herself, she can cause moisture to condense into a layer of ice. With time and practice, she may expand this ability to freeze people in place. (goddess of winter solstice = weak ice powers?)
Hiding - Rather like a disillusionment from Harry Potter, if Zaoll chooses to and stands perfectly still, she can conceal herself in plain sight. If she moves at all, the 'spell' is broken. (goddess of secrecy/no one knew angerona's true name)
Endurance - Zaoll can take a lot of punishment before she falls unconscious; in addition, her bones seem to be relatively impossible to break. She can go for a very long time without food, water, or sleep. It's not that she can't get hurt. It's just that it's REALLY HARD for her to get hurt. (roman influence persists today, though the "empire" of rome she was supposed to protect died)
Emotional Control - She has an almost negligible ability to soothe anguish and anxiety, as a throwback to how her Solstice ritual was said to dispel fear.
True Name - This is more a weakness but I didn't know where else to note it... > _ >; Zaoll is not her real name, and someone who knows her real name will be able to control her. Even Zaoll does not yet know her real name yet, but she's working on it.
Her power as an Ancient would be something along the lines of: If someone tells her a secret, the only way for anyone else to find out would be for she herself to reveal it. Even if another person knew, they would find themselves unable to speak of it unless Zaoll herself gave permission. She would also be able to create a kind of solid shield to protect her and those around her from physical harm.
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 2:19 pm
Elsbeth van Helsing is a high school history teacher-slash-seamstress on Earth. She is the sentimental type - keeps her old uniform, has all her yearbooks, keeps her class ring in a box so she doesn't lose it - and sort of a recluse, having not dated for years and mostly keeping in contact with her old school friends through email. Her house looks like a museum, full of old useless knickknacks and the occasional extremely expensive relic. Because she was once a member of her college's fencing club (though never quite distinguished in it) she is especially interested in medieval weaponry, and her fascination with medieval history provides her a way to ensure she's getting the real thing when she purchases something. Though she mostly prefers to buy things in real life, sometimes when she sees an irresistible object online she can't help but purchase it. She has always had a fondness for odd names, and in fact owns three cats named Aine, Enoka and Nomi. So Zaoll for a child was not that far a leap.
(Elsbeth occasionally calls Zaoll "Owl", which pisses Zaoll off to no end. Owls, she thinks, are creepy. Zaoll's favorite cat is Aine, because Aine is almost as pale as Zaoll.)
Most people would say Elsbeth is the kind of person who could not care for a child; that she cares more for antiques than she does people, and would prioritize the past over the child in the present. They're not entirely wrong. She's got this very firmly entrenched view of family life, which involves ideas like the mother being the perfectly nurturing type and daughters being as housebound as the mother unless they're teachers or maybe nurses and also she feels that all women need to have babies. This is why she kept Zaoll, because Elsbeth is getting on in years (she is nearing fifty and looks like she's approaching seventy) and yet she has no children and especially no grandchildren.
Elsbeth homeschools Zaoll, makes all of Zaoll's clothes, the whole nine yards, everything that is supposed to make a psychokiller. Luckily, Zaoll seems to be more social and quiet than psychokiller, which probably would have broken Elsbeth's heart (or her spine). She tries especially hard to keep Zaoll from doing things that are "dangerous"; rock climbing, driving a car, and learning to fire a gun are "dangerous" things. Her desire to be the perfect, responsible, protective mother wars with Zaoll's personality, which tells Zaoll that she can take care of herself.
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 3:35 pm
The Sheepcat Critique: Part One.
If you need clarification on anything, just poke me. ^^
Appearance: -I'd phrase the second sentence a bit differently, because saying 'a "Japanese beauty" appearance' sounds strange to me. You might want to consider changing it to first state that she's petite, and then she saying she's got that classical, pretty little Japanese woman look to her. Or that she has they typical Japanese beauty. Something like that.
-Just for the sake of the Lost Children contest - Sosi can correct me if I'm wrong - I think appearance might be something very important so you should solidify the picture of her as a teen in your head. Give her a specific hair colour and describe everything down to the shape of her eyebrows… well, not THAT far, but you know what I mean. Also, not everyone has seen Naruto and necessarily wants to go and Google for a picture of him. Description is your friend. Also, you might consider adding into her appearance any important items that she carries around, anything jewellery that she wears, and any other marks that she has on her body (excluding the face scar).
Personality: -You've described her as jumping between being a protector and a strict woman. That, to me, doesn't sound like she's two-faced. It sounds to me like she's really good at masking her real emotions and keeping an unwavering façade. She can become whatever personality she wants based on the situation.
-When you mention her "never really digressing too far from them", that sounds like you've just shoved a thesaurus word in there to make it look pretty. :3 She follows the rules to the very word would be enough.
- 'Uppity' makes it sounds like she's all bouncy and happy whenever something doesn't happen how she wants it. That's not what you mean, right? Social caste and social class are two different things. Social class refers to the upper, middle and lower class that you study when you study history. Caste refers to the system in India which revolves around the religion of Hinduism and reincarnation. Quite a difference. ^^
- "It'd be very dangerous to get her feeling caged, or backed into a corner, because she would be very, intensely prideful of herself and sensitive to her appearance and reputation among others. Sometimes, these factors would cause her to appear arrogant, or too holier-than-thou." This part confuses me. I'm not really sure what you mean when you say that you don't want to cage her emotions. Do you mean it's not nice to back her into a corner because then she's goes crazy?
-"At these times, she seems to be very mature and basically as perfect as she could force herself to be. After such an occasion, sometimes she will probably be angry and tempermental for a while." The part about her being 'basically as perfect as she could force herself to be" is an awkward description. Also, temperamental is spelled with another a. ^^
- I know what you mean when you say that Yumi has narrow expectations for her friends, but I'd try a different describing word there. I'm sure people will know what you mean, but I don't really find it very descriptive. Also, check your spelling of "spontaneity" and "socio-political".
-Overall, I'd try and find a couple main flaws and emphasize them. I see the flaws in there, but I don't really see them emphasized. ^^
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Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 3:49 pm
Sheepcat Critique TWO! XD
History
- "…and shone as brightly as the stars always." Stars always what? Or does her hair always shine?
- Part 2: Check your spelling of "vengeance", as well as temperamental again. ^^
- Just thought you might want to explain what a youkai is. I know there are people who will know what it is, but you want to make this apply to anyone, not just those who are familiar with Japanese terminology. Same with any Japanese word you use. You could even just number them and write a little vocab collection at the bottom if you don't want to interrupt the flow of your writing.
- Just a question to think about: Why is she coming back as a Fa'e? What purpose does she have coming back into the living world again? She got revenge on her family, and then she went on a mad killing spree. She was "killed" by spirit hunters. What does she want to do when she comes back? Why should she be given another chance, especially when you don't really see anything in her life worth giving her another chance for? Something to think about. ^^
I like your writing style! It flows very well, and it kept my interest through a very long history. There was nothing really glaring in it, and there were only a few spelling mistakes, which were understandable. Very nice concept! Though I must admit it really creeps me out. Too much "One Missed Phone Call" stuff. XD
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Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 11:35 am
Okay! <3 Finally fixed up.
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Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 10:32 am
Looks good! Good luck in the contest!
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