Welcome to Gaia! ::

I'm new to this guild so I figured I'd give everyone a little taste of my writing. biggrin


Silk from Canvas

These words, they emerge
A gut-wrenching urge,
A powerful surge that transcends me.
They swell and arise
And slowly materialize.
On the pages of my well-worn journal.

They are thoughts
They are threads
None I completely understand
They unravel and reshape within me,
Perfect artwork the do make,
And from within me they escape.
But from my fabric they do not come.
Like silk from canvas.

Hello to the new person. I am serpenteyes and if you post something odds are I am going to CC it. I don't post most of my stuff because its too long. But here I go to CC yours...


This is excellent. This is the best part of your whole poem. These three lines are brilliant. I started out reading these lines and I was like wow, oh geez. and then you stopped and I was disappointed. What got me was the 'erge' syllable in each line. Obviously you can't do it every line, but every three lines would have been really good. I don't know how you would do that every time, but that is really good. I dont' know. I just like the repetition of the 'erge' in every line.



I realize your rhyme scheme is to rhyme the first two lines and then not rhyme the last, but you have the 'erge' thing going on in the 1st 3 lines and they are pseudo rhyme, and then you have 'arise' and 'materialize' and you have the 's' and 's' repetition, and then it's journal. It is a major let down to the reader. You have this beautiful flow going and then bam, you whack us in the head with your journal. It absolutely disrupts the flow of the whole poem and I have trouble recovering.



Again, you have the 'th' thing going and then it dies. I'm a big fan of poems flowing beautifully, and having alliterations/assonasnce/whateveritscallled going on really helps poems to flow. And if you really understand, then why are they unraveling?



The problem I would have with this line is the 'make, escape' rhyme. It now seems out of place here. It just doesn't seem to fit right. I dont' know. I follow the poem up until the last line as well. I mean I get it, but I don't... umm... I'm not sure how to explain it... It just needs to be clearer somehow.

But there you go. YOu've been CCed. It was a good poem though. I really did like it. You did a good job. Keep posting your stuff.

No problem. I am all about the intense critisisms and what not because that's what I would want. and I can't say 'nice job' and leave it at that.