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 Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 2:08 am
As it turns out, mother is a master at manipulation, and frankly... I don't really see what other choices I have.
Honestly, I'm not quite looking forward to all the things she'll say or do... what with her passive aggressive ways... yet with time, such things tend to notice'ably pass...
...of course, I don't expect to be forgiven... and I'm sure we'll be on bad terms... much of the time, if not... the duration...
...but I'm confident that things will eventually work themselves out.
...and as for this entire bout of insanity I've been through... I don't think it was all pointless, or for nothing. I mean, I've figured alot of things about myself that I'd never seen before... mainly that I'm a heartless p***k... but also, I've figured out what I'd like to do for the rest of my life, and I'm no longer lost. I have goals and dreams, just like a normal person... which I find relieve'ing... I've felt a sense of independence, which is something I've dreamed of forever, no matter how tainted it was with mother leering at me from a distance.
Now, I'm not entirely certain these things couldn't be felt or figured out in the presence of my overbearing mother, and my IDIOT sister... God save her soul... what I do know is this... I've a path, and I shall walk it now... even if it's someone else who directs the flows of it... and even if that person happens to be my own mother.
Truth be told, it takes more energy to fight her, and hate her... than to follow her, and not have to care about such strong feelings.
I wished to be free, and in doing so... forfeit' my freedom...
I longed to be alone, and in doing so... made it as I wished...
I desired individuality, and in doing so... I gave up what it meant to me... to have a family... one that does not hate me... or resent what I have become. One that has given up all hope that one day, my true potential will shine through... One that believes my intelligence reduced, simply because I refuse to live up to their expectations... One that would rather have me cast off into the lonely black abyss of hell, then help me do the one thing I should never have done in the first place...
... to practice defiance... to cast them away... cut all ties... basically leaving them behind. To lie and cheat and backstab my way out of what was obviously the only place I ever should have been.... to close my mind to that which I should never have blocked out in the first place...
To have been on the recieving end of the insults, the sneers, the anger... the passive statements, the pleading... I now know exactly how she felt a year before. I've seen both sides... and finally witnessed... that both times, I was on the wrong one.
...by now, all apologies are render'd worthless... all the tears shed... reduced to meaningless'ness.
I can no longer pretend to be evil... because I truely am. crying
I regret what I've done, but not that which it has made me realize... not the experience it has given me, or the insight... for everyone makes mistakes, and everyone... including I, myself... the one who knows everything... learns from those.
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Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 2:52 am
So did your head explode yet? ninja
It's good that you learned something from all this. And if you can't be what they expect you to be, then screw it. Just do your thing. I moved out to live with my fiance, but it was nice to get away from my dad. Too controlling, indeed.
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Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 9:07 am
I hearteth thee! And I think even if you think you are evil. You did what you thought you had to do, so therefore you were just fine. I believe that maybe you were supposed to move to learn something. . . and you got to spend some great quality time with your grandparents right?
I think it's all going to be okay, and if not, there is always me to talk to. ^_^
I am excited, for you and for me, because I am about to go fill my growling stomach with food. . .
and do my accounting homework. stare
But, back to you, cuz you're more important than my stomach. I think you are doing the right thing. You will be with your mom, and she will nag you, but hopefully, you can help her out. And she will learn from all this too. For when mistakes are made and no lessons are learned, it is truly a waste.
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Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 11:35 am
I think it sounds good that you've got a plan and are making the most of the situation. Don't blame yourself too much for it.
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Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 1:00 pm
Well, first of all, yes... basically, my head exploded, and the resulting residue of blood n' gore is what you see written here... burning_eyes
Thank you Durgan... though you wish to rip my head off, you seem to be filling it with delicious thoughts to feed on once you finally catch me lol
... and 'lette... apart from the usual addition of a heart ( heart ) point, and the fact that you're completely and utterly teh logical awesomeness... all I've to say is...
...don't underestimate the importance of thou's stomach xd
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Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 1:19 pm
Arakimos Well, first of all, yes... basically, my head exploded, and the resulting residue of blood n' gore is what you see written here... burning_eyes Thank you Durgan... though you wish to rip my head off, you seem to be filling it with delicious thoughts to feed on once you finally catch me lol ... and 'lette... apart from the usual addition of a heart ( heart ) point, and the fact that you're completely and utterly teh logical awesomeness... all I've to say is... ...don't underestimate the importance of thou's stomach xd I think that made me laugh so much. . . you get ten ( heart ) points. . . And I ate a hearty meal with my mom. . . mmm yummy. I made her pay of course. . .
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Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 1:57 pm
butterflyviolets Arakimos Well, first of all, yes... basically, my head exploded, and the resulting residue of blood n' gore is what you see written here... burning_eyes Thank you Durgan... though you wish to rip my head off, you seem to be filling it with delicious thoughts to feed on once you finally catch me lol ... and 'lette... apart from the usual addition of a heart ( heart ) point, and the fact that you're completely and utterly teh logical awesomeness... all I've to say is... ...don't underestimate the importance of thou's stomach xd I think that made me laugh so much. . . you get ten ( heart ) points. . . And I ate a hearty meal with my mom. . . mmm yummy. I made her pay of course. . . 'tis teh way... heart 'y meals be teh good for important stomachs! 3nodding
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Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 1:59 pm
Arakimos butterflyviolets Arakimos Well, first of all, yes... basically, my head exploded, and the resulting residue of blood n' gore is what you see written here... burning_eyes Thank you Durgan... though you wish to rip my head off, you seem to be filling it with delicious thoughts to feed on once you finally catch me lol ... and 'lette... apart from the usual addition of a heart ( heart ) point, and the fact that you're completely and utterly teh logical awesomeness... all I've to say is... ...don't underestimate the importance of thou's stomach xd I think that made me laugh so much. . . you get ten ( heart ) points. . . And I ate a hearty meal with my mom. . . mmm yummy. I made her pay of course. . . 'tis teh way... heart 'y meals be teh good for important stomachs! 3nodding Your tummy is more important than mine. . . says my tummy. . .
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Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 2:01 pm
butterflyviolets Arakimos butterflyviolets Arakimos Well, first of all, yes... basically, my head exploded, and the resulting residue of blood n' gore is what you see written here... burning_eyes Thank you Durgan... though you wish to rip my head off, you seem to be filling it with delicious thoughts to feed on once you finally catch me lol ... and 'lette... apart from the usual addition of a heart ( heart ) point, and the fact that you're completely and utterly teh logical awesomeness... all I've to say is... ...don't underestimate the importance of thou's stomach xd I think that made me laugh so much. . . you get ten ( heart ) points. . . And I ate a hearty meal with my mom. . . mmm yummy. I made her pay of course. . . 'tis teh way... heart 'y meals be teh good for important stomachs! 3nodding Your tummy is more important than mine. . . says my tummy. . . No way... not if yours talks! eek
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Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 2:09 pm
I technically moved out a couple years ago, but it wasn't official until recently. I feel a lot of the same resentment that I'm sure you felt. But the problems that I had to deal with while there are worse so I think I made the right decision.
I guess that my situation is different though in the fact that I stayed in the same city, so it's a lot easier to visit from time to time and relieve some of the tension. I guess what i'm trying to say is: moving out is a big step, and your family is going to react to it in a big way. it's the way these things happen, but if they truely care about you the way a family should, in the long run they'll get over it... and hopefully understand why you did what you did.
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Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 2:16 pm
Dark Nyte I technically moved out a couple years ago, but it wasn't official until recently. I feel a lot of the same resentment that I'm sure you felt. But the problems that I had to deal with while there are worse so I think I made the right decision. I guess that my situation is different though in the fact that I stayed in the same city, so it's a lot easier to visit from time to time and relieve some of the tension. I guess what i'm trying to say is: moving out is a big step, and your family is going to react to it in a big way. it's the way these things happen, but if they truely care about you the way a family should, in the long run they'll get over it... and hopefully understand why you did what you did. Well, unfortunately for me, understanding is a difficult concept for alot of people... ninja
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 10:59 pm
crying im a screw up!! crying u ment ur other sister right? stare cry u prolly didnt, anyway i stoped smoking an im not PG so love u an c u soon... it was beautiful i only wish i could exspress myself in which a way it gets people to understand wut ur going through an at the same time lets surtain people know wut u want them to know heart
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 11:03 pm
tehangelbunny crying im a screw up!! crying u ment ur other sister right? stare cry u prolly didnt, anyway i stoped smoking an im not PG so love u an c u soon... it was beautiful i only wish i could exspress myself in which a way it gets people to understand wut ur going through an at the same time lets surtain people know wut u want them to know heart ... "tis my patented... way of words, as it were... and you better ********' not be PG. ...anuway.... I'm also gonna 'ave ta teach you proper typing, so you don't come off as n00bish. domokun
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 11:27 pm
My like is rated G. . . *cough, unless I almost break my toe*
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Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 11:43 pm
butterflyviolets My like is rated G. . . *cough, unless I almost break my toe* Eh? That's not quite what she meant by ... PG... ninja
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