Aikido Jokes and Cracks on Us

[nightwing773]

Sorry if this offends anyone, but when it got sent to me it was too halarious even to me as an Aikidoka to not share.

Men in Skirts
Sung to the tune of 'Men in Tights'

We're men... we're Men in Skirts
We roam around the dojos looking for hurts
We're men... we're Men in Skirts
We throw all around and pin to the ground - that's right!
We may look like sissies,
But watch what you say, or else, we'll put out your lights!
We're men... we're Men in Skirts,
Always on mat and giving the people flights!

Laaaa la la la la LA LA la la la la LA LA la la la la la
LA LA LA LA LA LA
Laaaa la la la la LA LA la la la la LA LA la la la la la
la la la la

We're men (manly men!) we're Men in Skirts... (Yeah!)
We roam around the dojos looking for hurts
We're men... we're Men in Skirts
We throw all around and pin to the ground - that's right!
We may look like pansies,
But don't get us wrong, or else, we'll put out your lights!
We're men... we're Men in Skirts, (wide skirts),
Always on mat and giving the people flights!
When you want to fly, just go for the Men in Skirts! (We're butch!)








Aikido definitions:
Aikido -- The art of unity with the ground

Aikido: The way of blending energy The Aikidoka (one who practices Aikido) attempts to become one with the mat by being thrown into it repeatedly in the hope that s/he will merge with the mat. This usually doesn't happen, so the process must be repeated. Frequently.

Tatami: commonly thought to mean "mat" this is actually a Japanese curse. The confusion arose from Westerners visting dojos in Japan and hearing people scream "tatami" as they unsuccessfully blended with the mat.

Matte: "te" = hand, "mat" is obvious, so "mat" "te" is the art of hand-stands and walking on hands. Sometimes this results in unsuccessful blending with the mat which causes the aikdioka to have to blend with the mat while wearing a cast. This is much harder, as the cast prevents the Aikidoka from reaching the mat.

Kiai-do: dyslexic Aikido. Also known as "drunken Aikido", this is usually practiced in bars, accompained by much shouting.

Ukemi: The art of blending with the mat--part of what Aikidoka study.

Ukemi: the art of hurling yourself at the Earth for no good reason.

Slapping out: This is the sign of an unsuccesful blending with the mat. The Aikidoka is so frustrated at not blending with the mat that s/he will hit the mat in a futile attempt to blend. It is futile because all Aikidoka know that true blending with the mat only occurs at high speed.

Nage-waza: The art of helping others to blend with the mat--the other part of what Aikidoka study.

Randori: mispronunciation of "runned away". This is the optimal method of blending with multiple attackers.

Shodan (male): A male who is so adept at blending (and helping others to blend) that he can wear a skirt to class and nobody in class will laugh at him because he might help them learn to blend with the mat. At high velocity.

Hakama: what shodans call a skirt so they don't have to teach quite as many people to blend with the mat (see shodan (male)).

Atemi: What you use to convince uke that your Aikido is strong enough to deal with their attack.

Shihans: Can't live with 'em; can't throw 'em.



Top 10 reasons for studying martial arts

10) Broken masonry makes great drainage for potted plants.

9) Get beaten up by people half your size and twice your age.

cool Never run out of kindling wood again.

7) No need to wonder what belt to wear.

6) Get to be on first name basis with the Emergency Room staff.

5) These uniforms make nice pijamas.

4) Never need to wonder why it's hard to get up in the morning.

3) Get to appreciate the finer points of Chuck Norris' acting.

2) Learn to count to 10 in 3 different Asian languages.

And the top reason for studying martial arts:

1. (Tie) Get to star in Ginsu commercials. / Three words: free nose job.


DEFINITIONS
Aikido:
A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course his does not know how to ukemi in which case he has his wrist broken in about 20 places.
Arnis:
"Harness of the hand." A Filpino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronanciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.
Bo:
A stick.
Bokken:
A stick that looks like a sword.
Buddhism:
A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate asia with statues of short fat bald men.
Chi:
A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques, which in defying the laws of physics and the basic scientific common sense, allows the user to develop super human strength.
Dan:
A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt.
Darn:
The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that they will now get hit harder and more frequently during training.
Dojo:
"The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium. Very similar to a B & D parlor but without the mistress.
Hakama:
A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to talk about it.
Iaido:
"Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting art developed around the principle of "look how big mine is".
Judo:
"Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers.
Jujitsu:
A lot like judo expect that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth"
Karate:
"Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's most wanted list. This art will be outlawed by most countries by the turn of the century.
Kata:
A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain.
Katana:
A sharp metal stick.
Kendo:
A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ??
Kung fu:
A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals.
Master:
A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank after long years of study or has started his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.
Naginata:
A stick with a sharp bit on the end.
Ninja:
A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pajamas.
Ninjutsu:
The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas
Sparring:
Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques.
Tae kwon do:
An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.
Tai chi chuan:
Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway.
Tatami:
"Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to prevent blood stains on the wooden floor.
Three sectional staff:
Three sticks linked together.
Zen:
The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so.






You know you've been in the MA too long when.......

# you say to the salesman in the men's store, "Nice pants, but I don't think I can kick in them."

# when you want to say "I'm sorry" and involuntarily bow.

# you go to the shoe store to try on shoes....
...Instead of walking or jogging around the store, you practice pivoting, sweeps, stances and kicks.
...You check to see if the shoe has a sufficiently hard striking surface and whether it protects the toes well ...and lastly, you don't even care if (and they probably are) the other patrons are looking at you funny. (That's the big clue)

# Now when every time you pass a wall you start to wonder:'Is that structural or drywall?' THEN you know you've gone overboard.

# When you hit your head on a low doorway or ceiling and kick it in anger and _damage_ it.

# "GAK! NO! The *left* side of the bathrobe goes on top...."

# "What was I doing in my office when I was spinning around and flailing my arms and legs? Ahhhhhmmmmmmm....."

# when you're practicing your arm blocks while driving down the highway, notice someone in another car staring at you, and suddenly turn your block into vigorously fanning away an imaginary fly

# when you use various strikes to turn lights off and on;

# don your clothing with kicks, thrusts, and punches

# open and close doors with spinning kicks

# find yourself idly doing iaido and kenjitsu moves with the plastic knives at the fast food place

# can't walk by anybody else from your school without casually exchanging a flurry of mock strikes and kicks

# haven't gotten over the phase of seeing everybody walking around with a blanket of little red cross-hairs on all their vital spots

# leap to your feet and shriek with indignation while watching "Kung Fu", "Walker, Texas Ranger", and "Highlander" at home

# deliberately go to see martial arts movies in the theater so you can leap to your feet and shriek with indignation during the movie, out in the parking lot, and with all your friends the next time you're at class

# find yourself practicing bo staff techniques in miniature with your pencil during dull meetings

# try to backfist the correct floor button on the inside of the elevator, based on your memory of the button's location, before you get in far enough to see it

# notice you never stand with your arms crossed or your hands in your pockets

# tend to keep at least one flavour of martial arts weapon close at hand by your bed when you sleep

# buy shoes either because they're particularly flexible or have steel toes

# have at least one fantasy where you are a martial arts hero and end the fight by saying something *so* cool that you make Arnold Shwarzenegger and Clint Eastwood look like nervous chatterboxes

# have begun to master the reflex to commit a very messy homicide when, directly after someone finds out you practice martial arts, they immediately ask "Are you a Black Belt ???"

# Urge to bow every time I enter or leave a room? Uh, not anymore, thankfully.

# I used to accidentally call one of my favorite professors 'sensei' with fair regularity, and I don't think I'll ever stop saying 'hai!' instead of 'yes!'.

# When standing in line you find yourself practicing some stance from your art

# When you bow going into and out of the bathroom

# When you don't use any tools while splitting firewood.

# When you are introduced to someone and you bow to greet them.

# when you start to do a kneeling bow before you enter any room.

# when you start doing ikkyo-undo, kote gaeshi-undo and similar exercises in meetings and on the bus.

# when you start wondering what technique would fit best if that passing stranger over there would attack me.

# when you are considering doing irimi-nage on every bicyclist who's speeding towards you and forcing you to step aside.

# when you in parties don't understand why everybody is looking weird at you and your Aikido-friend who's having a conversation where at least half the words are in japanese.

# when you, after training, are discussing techniques with your friends at the bus stop, starts demonstrating on him and don't understand why everybody else who was waiting for the bus is going in such large circles around you when the bus arrives.






Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts

1. The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.

2. The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

3. You will have trouble with the ties on your gi when members of the opposite sex are in class.

4. The day you leave work early to make it to class in time, the sensei will be sick

5. The sensei will only use you to demonstrate joint-locking techniques.

6. If you have to use your training in self defence, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.

7. After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

8. After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a muscle the night before your black belt exam.

9. In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

10. No matter how many times you take care of it beforehand, you will always have to go to the toilet when it's your turn during belt promotion exams.




Aiki-bonics
by Michael Hacker

* Kotegaeshi = wrist break
* Shiho nage = your mother throw
* Ikkyo/oshitaoshi = elbow break
* Nikyo/kote mawashi = indian rug burn
* Sankyo = wrist twist thingy that makes opponent stand on toes
* Yonkyo/tekubi osae = OUCH! QUIT IT!
* Gokyo = same damn thing as ikkyo, but different
* Rokkyo = irrelevant, technique does not exist
* Kubishime = choke the b*****d
* Irimi nage = clothesline throw
* Tekubi dori/katate dori/morote dori = "grab my wrist"
* Shomen uchi = Judo Chop
* Yokomen uchi = haymaker
* Tsuki = punch (a novel idea)
* Maegeri = irrelevant, no kicks in Aikido
* Mae geri = nut kick
* Mawashi geri = spinning diarrhea
* Munadori = titty twister
* Kokyu nage = bad breath
* Shomen ate = b***h slap
* Musubi = stuck like pig snot to a fence post
* Ken = weed whacker
* Jo = switch
* Hara = gut
* Jodan = up there
* Chudan = yea high
* Gedan = down there
* Kaeshi waza = woops, that din' work
* Jiyu waza = yeah, I meant to do that
* Ki = B.O. [see misogi]
* Kiai = holler
* Kuzushi = cow tippin'
* Misogi = saturday bath
* Mokuso = sit down and shut up
* Mushin = cousin Bubba Joe-Bob
* Sutemi = gettin' rid o' the evidence
* Nage = bully
* Uke = chump



Sorry if it's really long too, but if anyone has any to add on any martial arts, feel free to add them.  

[Mangafairy]

NICE! biggrin It made my broter and I laugh!!! rofl I've seen the site where you got some of the things from...I've done some of them before... At Air Traing Corps I've said Hai Sir and bowed...I have called a few teachers Sensei and I have definately tried kicks on doors!!! I had no seat one time and stood there practicing shiko-dachi (spl?) before, and one time aI was just standing in a corridor and a man came up and asked me if I did Karate and it turned out so did he and for some reason he knew that I did......I still don't know what it was I was doing that made him know....  

[iamagiraffe]

I'm in Hap Ki Do, and it comes from AiKiDo only harder. In Hap Ki Do if done to the fullest power and speed you break people, instead of throwing someone 15 million times hoping they won't get up...
but this made me laugh because my instructor "bashes" AiKiDo sometimes and i'll have to send this to him ^.^  

[nightwing773]

lol, I do aikido and hapkido, so I'm bashing myself double, but I thought it was halarious. I say hai all the time to my friends and teachers, and then I answer my phone the same as I do the academy's phone. konichiwa.
plus I do way more than one of the you've been in MA too long if...I do about half of that list...I know I've done the mini bo staff during boring meetings....lol, and a bunch of other things....

lol, some of the definitions me and some of the people at our academy came up with.

also, I took the time to translate it into korean for my hapkido friends, and it got passed around them, and finally got to our Master Sa ba nim, and he loved it. He hung it up on the bullitin board after reading to the class one night and giving us all a laugh.  

[Mangafairy]

I also do the mini jo work with pens, but mostly pencils... lol  

[nightwing773]

lol, I think all of us who have been in it for long have done something on that list, lol, just when we're bored.  

[Mangafairy]

biggrin  

[Wolf Nightshade]

I didn't read it all yet but the deal about buying pants is one that I have done my brother got married and I needed a suit for the wedding. My mom and I were looking and I complained about not being able to kick in my pants without ripping them so we kept looking. She didn't see the point so I was like you never know when ninjas may attack or bridesmaids.  

[nightwing773]

Lmao!!

see, we all have done something from here at one point or another, no matter what we do. lol, I heard a ninjutsu artist complain about not being able to do the splits in his kakhi's..... sweatdrop  

[Mangafairy]

Wolf3001

I didn't read it all yet but the deal about buying pants is one that I have done my brother got married and I needed a suit for the wedding. My mom and I were looking and I complained about not being able to kick in my pants without ripping them so we kept looking. She didn't see the point so I was like you never know when ninjas may attack or bridesmaids.

I was the chief bridemaid at my cousin's wedding, the groom is a marine so he had some friend there. And I was sticking tassles in the grooms red military trouser straps, and the land corporal came up and took them out, so I turned around and took them off him and put them back in. I had a reaal going at him for standing on my dress....they said I'd make a good SGT. LOL...well...I wouldn't take any crap and I want things to always got to plan. I had a go at the DJ too because he took so long to play our requested songs. ' Are you ever going to play our songs, we requested them half and hour ago and you still haven't got up to play them, play them soon, or I won't leave you alone all evening, and belive me, I won't.'

LOL....  

[nightwing773]

lol, it happens  

[Mangafairy]

biggrin  

[nightwing773]

biggrin biggrin  

[Keyboard Warrior]

....you give Aikido way too much credit....  

[nightwing773]

oh come on, we're just joking around, aikido is fun. It's a good martial art, and its one of the ones I study, it doesn't make it better, but aikido is something over knowing nothing at all whether it's considered a good martial art or not. other martial arts are just as good, some better. I just choose Aikido because it's availible to me, and I find it useful and fun.