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 Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 6:57 pm
Hey, I know this seems like a definite no-brainer, but you can be pleasently surprised by what social skills you CAN learn about if you have an open mind. People just assume that you are born with them, and if you don't have friends this means you're a loser. Nothing can be further from the truth, especially in an age where we are so seperated from each other. As weird as this sounds, this manual shown in the first two links below was designed for those afflicted with aspergers syndrome (typically, they have normal to even higher-than-average IQ's). You can sometimes find very relevant info designed for those afflicted with disabilities. You might learn soemthing about yourself, AS WELL as learn something interesting about the disability too. These aspergers guides are a longer read though. http://www.autismandcomputing.org.uk/marc2.en.htmlhttp://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/A_survival_guide_for_people_on_the_autistic_spectrumAnd this next link is a very short summary of a book, "How to win friends and influence people". You can't make it simpler than this link. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_PeopleWe have other guides here, chock full of information! http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Guide_to_Social_Activity(through this link, you can check out "Body language" and "Courtship dating") In my next post, I will be posting from books I have read before. As with any topic, anyone is welcome to contribute.
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Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 9:45 pm
Some basic points I've learned in Jeff Allen's "Win the Job":
- business culture requires adequate social skills.
- a good image is a must. (I'll add another comment: people DO get biased over looks, HOWEVER, having self confidence carries more weight. At the very least, groom well, and dress well, and project confidence!)
- interviews tend to be scripted. (as you will notice later when we explore the Ms. Manners books, many social events are more scripted events which require certain things to be said.)
- certain words must be used. (Think professional and positive)
- appear genuinely interested and concerned more about challenging yourself to do a good job.
- establish rapport with the interviewer.
I put this bit of info on basic social skills because having adequate social skills and knowledge is SO important that it really impacts your success at jobs. This is why, for example, knowing the right people lands most folk the job.
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Posted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 9:59 pm
Miss Manners books are an excellent start on how to conduct the right things to say to people.
in her book "The right thing to say", I have outlined points I thought were useful. No matter what I say, there are always more interesting things to read in the books that I have posted, so please truly check them on your own to glean more from these books!
Miss Manners emphasizes that we try to be so creative in how to express things to people, that sometimes we inadvertintly offend them. You do not need to come up with a real creative way to say "I'm sorry", or "congratulations". The recipient of those remarks are just as content to hear these scripted expressions.
There may be some controversy with her advice being so conventional/stuffy... However, it is great advice for getting along with people, especially strangers or people you don't know that well as opposed to really close friends. Blame society for being this way, not her.
Without adue...
- You do not say flamboyant or creative things to express sentiments like "I'm sorry", "congratulations", or "thank you". etc.
- You do not probe people for details. Nosiness is not a virtue.
- You do not respond in rudeness to the rudeness you received. There are ways to react in politeness that stops a person in their tracks and makes them reconsider being rude.
- Banned topics: sex, religion, politics, money, illnesses, the foods present to you and which foods you eat/reject and why, bodily functions, occupations, physical appearences of anyone, or the possessions of anyone present. EVEN if any of these are compliments!
- Anything that is up for strong debate is NOT ok to discuss
- talking about the weather, far from being a boring topic, is actually a great way to have some conversation. You find out some things about one's personality through this type of discussion.
- All babies and all brides are "beautiful".
- when in doubt, say "Congratulations!"
- to express sympathy: "I hope you know how much I care and that you can count on me".
- Social rules to presenting new people to each other:
a gentleman is presented to a lady.
a lower ranking member is presented to the higher ranking member.
a younger member is presented to an older member.
a relative is presented to an aquaintence.
- How to reject a clingy person: "You know, I lead such a busy life that it's rather hopeless that we will be able to get together. But I appriciate your thinking of me."
- If ya don't want to hold a baby: "I'm not good with babies; let me admire her from here."
- If ya don't want to dance: "Won't you join me in sitting one out?"
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Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 6:47 pm
These are my basic recommendations so far.
Social skills are scripted. There are more scripted situations than there are situations which rely on improvising. Scripted social skills are social skills which do not rely on your creativity to form an action. Saying polite phrases like “Thank you” and “I’m sorry for your loss” are one way that being social is scripted. Acting in a professional manner at your job despite what you feel inside is another way that being social is scripted. Flirting is also very scripted social behavior.
Once you know that many social skills are scripted, you will find social skills to be not only an easily reachable tool, but a tool for your success.
I would recommend searching for any and all activities that are scripted, and keep that in note. You don’t practice these scripted skills to act more authentic, but you do it to make others comfortable with your presence… and to help save your a**.
A simple rule of thumb to follow…
- put yourself in the other person’s shoes, and try to think and feel how they would feel. Don’t put 100% faith in your abilities to read people, but at least by stretching your imagination, you help yourself to be more empathetic. You thus strengthen social skills.
- also, “look before you leap”. Before you say or do anything, if possible, think about the action and the possible consequences of your action. Especially if you are in a highly emotional state!!!
Also, sharpen your observational skills about people. You can learn just by observing what people do and say. It’s the easiest and least painful way to learn a lesson about life. Know older people who would give you relevant advice.
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Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 6:57 pm
Assertiveness versus being shy or aggressive. Assertiveness, and confidence, are always a virtue. Do a "google search" on assertive behavior. Here's one good example. There's even a chart describing the differences between these three terms. http://www.coun.uvic.ca/personal/assert.htmlAssertiveness is in the middle ground between being shy and being aggressive. We ideally want to express ourselves in a healthy and acceptable manner without diminishing other people's sense of self. Being assertive is being comfortable with who you are, no matter what. But you also value other people's dignity like your own. ------> Being shy overtly shows you are insecure, and being aggressive covertly shows you are insecure. cool It doesn't mean that assertive people don't have insecurities, or that having an insecurity is a curse. But assertive people deal with unpleasentries in an acceptable, healthier manner.
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