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 Posted: Thu Aug 17, 2006 6:02 am
He was grown up.
He was stronger, bigger, braver, wiser. All the things expected of a growing male who would soon become Mrost's High Priest.
Yet there was a piece of him missing, a piece of him that he was so desperately searching for. This piece was large, warm and a mix of white and pinks, it was beautiful, caring and kind. It was friendship, it was love, it was comfort and it had a name.
It was called Kizuka.
Hakan had not seen the lioness since the day she had attacked him and yet he had been sure they had left on good terms. The conversation still rang in his mind and he could remember almost every word that had passed between them. He remembered how he had tried to comfort her and bring her out of her anger, he wanted to see the kindness in her eyes not the....not the rage.
"You are not evil, you are my friend. You have a dark side, yes, but don't we all? Kizuka. You may be standing half in shadow but you also stand in light. There is a beauty inside you that even I can see." He flinched as he recalled the words he had spoken to her, feeling suddenly a little embarassed, if one had overheard their conversation it would seem as if perhaps they were more than friends.
But that wasn't true, was it?
He'd always cared for Kizuka - well perhaps not always - but she had grown on him and he cared for her as if she was a part of his family. That was it, she was like a sister to him and nothing more...that had to be it.
"I cannot stay In the Pridelands... You see what it has done to me" she explained "I cannot let the dark side you are talking about get hold of me again. I cannot let Mchele or any of my cubs see it.." she looked away "That is why I will leave. That is why I will become a rogue once again. As I always needed to be..." He had never wanted her to be a Pridelander but...if she was then atleast she would have been close to him. For despite all he tried to do he could not ignore the fact that he thought a lot of her. She was his only and most dearest friend, she could bring out the kind side in him that he could show to no one else.
"I don't want to come with you to follow this God of yours, I am coming because I want to be with you" He had been too young to understand that she may have wanted more than friendship and too naive now to think of it in any other way. Hakan was a fool when it came to listening to his heart in the matters of love and he would most likely deny it for a long long time.
He paused in his trek and raised his head to glance blearily around him. He was a stranger in these lands and so far every time he had wandered this far into it's center he had brough trouble with him. The encounters with Mbaya and with Mchele had both been born from rage and revenge.
"Kizuka?" He whispered, "where are you?" He couldn't stay long and he planned to leave the borders for a while with Mrost. He needed to let her know and say a small farewell.
"Have you left these lands? Have you forgotten me?" Strangely those words brought a stab of pain to his heart and he bowed his head again. If he were to roar would she come to him? Would she recognise the sound?
He moved onwards again, moving with a surprising stealth for one so large and muscular. It was already clear that Hakan was going to be a collossal lion when he was fully grown and he was still only in the early days of adolescence.
The mane which had once been an annoying tuft had now extended down his neck making him look rather handsome. His dark grey pelt shimmered with health and the look in his eyes was toughened by his training.
To look at him was indeed to look at a warrior.
Slowly but surely his dream was coming true and it was all thanks to his father, his teacher, his master.
Then with a growing impatience he knew something had to be done to quicken the search. He needed to call for her despite being in a Pride's land's and with a flick of his head he raised his head and parted those powerful jaws to utter his first true roar as a lion.
The sound rattled the ground beneath him and quivered the bones in his ears and yet it was so heart-stoppingly beautiful he could not bring himself to end it until the last of the roar had died away with the last of his breath.
When it did stop the land seemed to grow deathly quiet and so with a small whuffing sound he lowered himself in the tall grass and waited to see if his call would be answered.
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Posted: Thu Aug 17, 2006 3:50 pm
Kizuka watched her children grow... the days passed by ever so quickly she could hardly believe they were cubs only a few months ago. She watched the fresh grass grow tall and yellow. She watched the lions leave the Pridelands one by one, and new ones arrive... Everything chanced yet she was the same. She was the same lioness who supressed her sadness and holloweness for the sake of her children.. Yet somehow, she realized she could not help but think about him... He was on her mind, their last talk, his crooked smile, his reassuring voice. He should be grown til now, she thought, my beautiful Hakan.
The pink lioness aimlessly wondered in the Pridelands as she thought about her friend, the only lion who understood her, who took her for what she was and not what she was trying to be. Now that her cubs were grown up a little and did not need her as much, she could keep her promise and go with Hakan to wherever he was... but she had no idea where that was. It had been so long since she had seen him, she doubted he remembered and cherished her as she did.
Yet, when a familiar call reached her from afar, she could not help but hope it was him, though she knew it could not be. Why would it? He was far away now probably, with that whathisface god he followed blindly. Yet as she heard it, she gasped and heavily breathed "Hakan?" she whispered under her breath and ran to the voice "Hkan? Is that you??" She kicked her paws as fast as she could... The voice was coming from the borders... could that be truly him ?
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Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 2:07 am
All was silent, all was calm and as Hakan lay in the grass, wondering if perhaps he'd attract the wrong attention he began to lose hope. He didn't really want to roar again, such a thing could proove fatal, especially since he knew - or thought he knew about - Pridelander's bloody ways.
It was only the sound of approaching paws that he tensed his body, pressing himself low so that the grass almost consumed him. He had forgotten how big he had been getting lately, in fact he was almost as big as mother and she was a large lioness for her size.
Then something just to his left moved and with it's entrance came the scent of his dearest and most loved friend. It was indeed Kizuka. His heart gave a strange and joyful jolt and suddenly he was rising up to full height and giving a small chuff of greeting - the sound deeper than before.
"Kizuka!" His voice sounded lower and almost husky. "Kizuka!" With that he leapt forth and ran the last few strides to close the distance between them.
An urge to nuzzle her crept forth in his mind but he resisted if only to proove that he didn't need to do such a thing, even though he wanted to.
His eyes portrayed his relief and joy at seeing her and his next words were laced neatly with a purr. "I didn't think you'd come...but I'm glad you did."
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Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 5:40 am
Kizuka felt tears roll down from her pale cheeks as she ran to her old friend. Hakan was her friend, she had tried hard to convince herself that some time ago... so why was she feeling this way? This was not the way that one would feel towards her lng lost friend.
As the lioness ran their old memories passed in front of her eyes one by one... When she first met him as a cub when she was with the pink spotted leopard, talking to him about his family, talking to him about her family.. Attacking him in a fit of unstability... She was on her knees, only memories... She didn't know how, but she knew she would get by.. Would slowly pull herself together, hide her feelings. She was good at that...
But then again as Hakan came closer in view, she felt her paws push the ground more quickly, her heart pound crazily, her breath get short. The lioness jumped near him, and affectionately nuzzled him, still crying "Why did you leave me Hakan?" she asked as in a whisper "... it is not fair to do this to someone who loves you..." Kizuka understood in that moment that it was impossible to conceal her feelings, no matter how hard she tried. So she let go "I love you... I love you..." In the hear of the moment, she knew she could repeat the phrase a thousand times and mean it every time she said so.
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Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 5:52 am
He stood still and tall, his body held firm as she moved over to him. At first the tears in her eyes worried him and for a moment he thought something terrible had happened to her. Then he realised they were tears of happiness and he allowed himself to relax.
He did not truly nuzzle her back, the action foreign and strange.
It felt weird to do such a thing but then he remembered that affection was allowed between friends.
"I had to d--" He had begun to try and explain himself when her confession spilled forth and interrupted anything else he might have said. What was she saying?! Was she teasing him? His heart thumped strong and fast in his chest but he found himself taking a few steps back fearfully. He couldn't face up to this right now, not now. He had no understanding of this kind of love of these kind of feelings.
He knew there was something there between them but...but he was afraid of it. Afraid that his feelings would get in the way of what he had to do or make her a target.
She had said she wanted to be with him but...but he could not put her in danger and that's exactly what he would do if she stayed.
"Please Kizuka." And his voice was full of despair and hurt, "please don't say that, please....please." He let his head hang and suddenly the mighty warrior looked like nothing more than a weak little cub.
"You can't love me because I'm not right for you."
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Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 6:03 am
Kizuka smiled in her tears "You haven't changed a lot though you look much older..." She stared at his sapphire blue eyes "It doesn't matter if you don't love me... It won't chance the way I feel. When you were missing... I promised not to tell my feelings to you... but I was wrong. I finally came to love everyone.. Maybe I should not throw away my life like I was planning to" She walked towards Hakan "I understand if you don't feel anything... but if you do..." she looked at him again "... please don't run away anymore... Please don't do this to me anymore..."
The lioness knew Hakan was following an obscene path she did not approve of, but that was his choice and she would support him as long as he was happy... but was he happy this way? He was older now, he was bigger... He should be able to understand how she felt; how she always felt.
"I always wanted to do something for you, to give something i had to you, why don't you just let me?..." He was there now, everything would be alright, everything would be calm, everything would be beautiful...
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Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 6:13 am
"Kiz..." He gazed down at the ground, listening to her words and hating the way they affected him. He tried to harden his heart, to make it cold and numb to the feelings that were slowly enveloping it. "Please, you know why I can't be the way I want to be. You could get hurt and I'd never want that to happen."
He shivered, "I only ever thought I'd have the want and need to protect my family, especially my mother and sister. But that's not the truth anymore." He dared to raise his head to look at her, "I want to protect you Kizuka, I want to be by your side forever if you want me to be. I'll be your guardian, your friend but I cannot risk falling in love with you."
He shook his head, "I cannot let myself be distracted from War's cause, I cannot."
"You know me Kizuka, you know my loyalties lie with the God and you know...you know what I am like inside." He shook his head, "I must nurture my heart with nothing but savagery." Then why did he want to draw close to her? Why did he feel the need to be with her, lie beside her as she slept and love her with all his mind, soul and body?
"You can't give yourself to me Kizuka, you can't." He backed up again but it was clear that there was conflict in his eyes.
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Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 1:15 pm
Kizuka looked at him with disbelief "You are afraid I might get hurt and even die, so you will not let me live?" she slowly asked "For it is only with you I feel alive, I feel whole....You want to take that away from me?" She took a step closer "Hakan, don't try to be someone you are not.. It hurts me... You cannot condition your heart.. it just is.." She looked at him hurtfully "Do you think I want to feel like this towards you of all lions? My only friend? But I cannot help it.. It just... is"
Kizuka walked closer as he backed up, their noses almost touching. "I am ready to come with you wherever you go, and you know if something happens and i died, it will be in pleasure of knowing it was for you... Hakan can't you see, the life here without you is no different than a blank space.. When i heard your voice today... It was the sweetest melody i have ever heard in my life..."
The lioness was ready to leave her pride, her family, everything she seemed to have for this dark colored lion... because after all, she realized he was all she truly had... not some illusion about family or pridal love.
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Posted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 6:54 am
His eyes widened, her nose so close to his own that if he moved a centimetre forwards they would be touching. He could feel her warm breath on his face and for a moment his eyes could not linger anywhere else but on her own.
"Kizuka..." He seemed to be struggling with words at the moment. "You are older than me, old enough perhaps to be my mother. Does it not matter to you that when you grow old that I will still be young? Because it bothers me. I don't want to ever think of life without you, but even if we live into fine old age you shall pass on before me. I would be alone, all alone and that is something quite unbearable."
He shook his head, "I don't want to grow to love you only to lose you and have to live dwindling and fading, living my elder years pining over your loss."
"I am scared and yet..."
His heart beat in a way it never had before. This was not the excitement of battle, it was the excitement of love.
"Kizuka...don't you see? Our love...it's forbidden, it cannot be." This time however he did not draw away from her. She had captured him whether he liked it or not.
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Posted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 7:20 am
".. and yet I am not your mother" The pink colored lioness replied "neither am I planing to die soon and leave anyone who cares about me behind.." She paused ".. well that is a rare breed almost extinct but still... " Hakan was so close it was almost unbearable. She had never planned this, no, definitely not this. This was out of her hands now. She would walk away after hearing his words, but his body language told her a totally diffeent thing.
"What are you so afraid of Hakan, or losing me, or of losing yourself?" and with that Kizuka gently pushed Hakan down, not like she did when she was in a fit of madness a few months ago, and attempted to pin him down. She did not know if he would allow that but he had to keep stable, both mentally and physically "Hakan.. if you feel the same way, there is no way i am letting you go this time. I have waited too long... It took me a long time to get here, but I am here now.." she looked into his deep blue colored eyes ".. I am here and you don't want me?.."
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Posted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 10:55 am
No, no this was wrong. All so very wrong.
What would his mother think? What would his siblings think. What would Mrost think?
He couldn't be selfish, he couldn't give in to his feelings and put her in danger. But...but he wanted to let go of this shield, the barrier that kept him distant from others.
He blinked and let himself be pushed back and pinned to the ground. His eyes never left hers, those kind eyes, those eyes that always looked at him so fondly.
"I...I...I just." He swallowed, wishing the ground would swallow him up but knew it would never do that. It was firm against his back and even as his dark side was telling him to growl, to lash out, to push her away his good side wanted to entice her closer.
He closed his eyes and shuddered, wishing that he hadn't allowed himself to be placed in such a vulnerable position.
"You are here and I want you." His voice shook very slightly, "but it's wrong to want you this way!" He reached up to place his forepaws against her chest in an attempt to push her away.
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Posted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 11:43 am
With his push, the white and pink lioness let go and rolled down on the ground by his side. Kizuka stared at the sky above them blankly. What was right anyways? Was it right for her to abandon her family like she would do soon? Was it right for her to feel the way she did about Hakan? Was it right that all she could do was to give in after this? She had no perception of right and wrong anymore.
"Hakan.." she said without looking at him "... please don't do this to me.." she was still lying on her back, facing the blue sky above her "Please don't tell me you want me but you cannot take me.. It is just not... fair. When you know you found something precious, something worth living for... It slips away ever so slowly and disappears... Will you disappear too Hakan?" A tear rolled down from the lioness' pale cheek "I cannot stand that... because... I love you..."
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Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 7:11 am
"I came to tell you." He paused, unsure what to say. It was perhaps cruel of him to change the subject in such a manner but he couldn't bare it.
It felt like his heart was being torn in half and he hated it. He didn't want to hurt anymore.
He closed his eyes tight. "I'll be leaving for a while with the War God. We are travelling to a land that belongs to a Pride which is filled with warriors being trained by another loyal follower."
He wished he was better with words, better with feelings. "I came to let you know in case you got worried. I didn't want you to think I'd deserted you."
He released a shaky breath, ears pinning back as he turned his face to gaze at the lioness lying beside him.
"Kizuka please don't misunderstand me. I care for you deeply but...this is not a decision I can take lightly. My life is entwined with the fate of War. If Mrost does not agree with me giving into love then I cannot." There was hurt and pain in his voice.
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Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2006 8:14 am
Kizuka quikly turned onto her belly "But you promised... You promised you would take me with you!" Her voice was full of shock and hurt "You promised you would take me away from these cursed lands! You are a LIAR" She started shouting and backing up slowly "Liar! You are no different from the rest!" Her tears were running down wildly "You let me hurt like this for your selfish reasons and then tell me you will be gone from my life.. forever!"
She was now inside the boundaries of the Pridelands "I hope you die! You become as miserable as me! To understand the pain I am going through..." she turned around and started running in the opposite direction. She could not stand if Hakan saw her as messed up as she was now. Why would not he love her back? Why was he doing that to her of all lions? So this was their farewell... so this was the last time she was going to see him... Her life would be empty from now on. Kizuka's eyes were full of tears, she could not see properly.. and stumbled on a rock and fell on the ground face down, blood pouring out from the wound where a sharp rock cut her chest. She just lay there... she would just lie there until the end of time...
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Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2006 1:58 am
(( I edited this post majorly, but I have a reason for this. Hakan's plotline needs him to be somewhat heartbroken, but just because he leaves now doesn't mean that they won't be toegether someday. We'll have to meet up and plot all of this, okay? heart biggrin ))
How could she say those hurtful things? Couldn't she see that he was trying to protect her? Why could she not see and respect his decision. A terrible anger rose up within him and he struggled to force it down.
As she ran he wanted to run with her, to pin her to the ground and force her to listen but would that do any good?
He threw back his head and roared, pouring into it all his heartache, anger and grief.
Could he really let the lioness he loved run away like that? If it was to protect her than yes. Yes he could.
"KIZUKA!" Her name sounded ful of grief. "When I return I will find you. We'll sort this out! I promise!" He didn't know whether she heard this or not, but for now he had somewhere to be.
Mrost came before him everytime.
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