WALKING ON THE BORDERLINE
I want you to open your mind, I want to take you on a journey into a world you have never seen before. A world where there is only black and white, where the grey area in which you take for granted is nonexistent. Be prepared to learn what it feels like to idolize a person one minute, and despise them the next. Ensure that you are ready to experience mind-boggling confusion, because once we enter the tunnel there's no exit until the end. So sit back, relax and follow exactly what I say, and try to really get inside the head of a borderline.
Picture the person that means the most to you in your life. Be it a family member, a friend... anyone. Now, think long and hard about how much they mean to you, about how great of a person they must be for you to care about them so deeply. Concentrate on how awesome this person is... idolize them. This person means the world to you, and you want to make sure they know it.
Go on, tell them. Tell them how great you think they are. Tell them that perhaps without them being in your life, you wouldn't have made it through that last rough night. Tell them that you care about them. Really sell it to them, and make sure they know how special they are.
So far, things are going great... that is until you remember that they were supposed to call you 5 minutes ago? Why haven't they? Are they out with someone else? Of course they are, it's you. Why on earth would a person so awesome want to spend their time talking to you. They are probably out hanging out with something that they think is awesome -- someone who is most definitely not you. They abandoned you for someone they like a lot more. You really don't mean anything to them, you were just there.
Feel the anger start to grow inside of you. At first you might try to ignore it... but soon you can't deny that it's there. It starts as a tiny ball in your heart, but with each beat, it travels through your bloodstream. Feel it coursing through your veins into each and every part of your body. Feel it slink up into your fingertips and down to your toes.
This person doesn't seem the least bit special anymore. You're angry at them... how could they do this to you? They made you feel like a piece of dirt! Like you weren't even worth their time! What did you ever do to them to make them act this way? Absolutely nothing. It was them, they just weren't the special person you thought they were. You begin to feel hatred for them as the anger continues to make its way into every part of you.
10 minutes later you hear the phone ring -- it's them. You don't even want to hear the obnoxious sound of their voice right now, but you still pick up the phone and ask them what they want.
"Sorry," they tell you, "I said I'd call earlier, but I got held up."
You resist the urge to laugh and tell them that's bullshit, because you know it is. Right now, you feel the need to make them pay. They deserve it for what they did to you, for how they made you feel. You'll show them that this little piece of dirt knows how to fight back. You're not exactly sure about how you're going to do it, but you feel that a part of you knows exactly what to do.
You allow the conversation to diminish a bit, and don't allow yourself to say much besides the occasional 'oh' and 'mmhmm'. You'll let this continue until they finally mention something. This is your chance... your shot to take a stab at them. Smile even though they can't see it and say, "I guess we're not close anymore... oh well, I guess it doesn't matter." But you know you aren't going to stop there, you'll beat it into their head and make them think you don't care about them, that you hate them. Oh, but it doesn't stop there, and you know it. You'll lie, you'll manipulate and you'll do everything possible to reduce this person to a state of complete anguish. You'll make them cry, you'll make them hate themselves, just like they did to you... oh well, it's not like they didn't deserve it.
Picture this continuing, and continuing until you finally realize that it will really hurt them if you find another person to be close with. So now, envision someone else that you rather admire. A person who's been in your life for a while, a person you talk to, but never really got to know.
Well, take this as on opportunity to get to know them, because they are going to take the place of the "not-so-special" person who hurt you immensely -- who you hurt immensely.
Now watch and picture this cycle continuing and continuing, leaving no real winners and a long trail of pain and suffering. Why would you do this? Why the hell would you allow yourself to do something like this to people who did absolutely nothing wrong? Imagine searching your mind for an answer. Go ahead, walk over to the filing cabinet and rip it open. Hell, you really want to know why you're doing this. Start pulling out files, read everything you find... but you're still not getting the answer, it's just not there.
Now for a real challenge... try to make yourself stop. You would have better luck standing on the edge of the beach and telling the oncoming tsunami to go away. Allow the sharp, icy cold water flow over you as you begin to drown in a state of your own confusion.
You've got two choices. You can either let yourself go limp and allow yourself to drown, or try and swin your way out. Let yourself die, or put up a fight. However, you're well aware that if you do survive this drowning confusion, that you'll be put back into the cycle of ultimate destruction again. So is fighting really worth it? Is there a way out?
Well, right now, for you there is.
Take a deep breath and allow yourself to become aware of your surroundings again. You're no longer in the water deciding whether it's worth it to fight for your life or let yourself drown. You're not longer caught up in a whirlwind of feeling abandoned all of the time, and inflicting pain on those who have caused you to feel that way.
You are free to return to the realm of you own mind.
Do you feel any different? Did this knowledge give you insight that perhaps you didn't have before? Or to you remain unchanged. Could you handle it? Did you find the answer among the waves crashing above your head? Or did you wish to just give up and allow yourself to sink?
Imagine living in that world all of the time, the world where you are constantly walking on the borderline.
