The Love of Jesus and the Old "Me"
Thank you for that luffly luff sermon, James! Most appreciated! 4laugh I just want to thank my Lord for His love. . . it's always within reach, and nothing you can really do can possibly stop Him from loving you, even sin. I express my gratitude today for Jesus' everlasting love! heart heart heart LOVE! NYAHAHAHAHA!!! mrgreen
Well, I have a story to tell. . . 3nodding
When I was saved by Jesus Christ, my spirit went through some strange, but good changes. . . You know, apostle Paul said that when we are baptized, we are being crucified with Jesus. The old you, who used to sin greatly, dies. . . and you are made a new person in Jesus Christ, loosed from the shackles of sin. I can say that since I was saved I would no longer be a slave to sin, but I cannot say that the old "me" had died right away. . .
That day that I was moved by the Spirit, I wanted to feel more of the love of Jesus and I wanted Him to clean my spirit, to make me as white as snow. So I got baptized that Easter Sunday in 2004. However, after I got baptized, I didn't go to church to grow in wisdom and understanding of the Word as often as I should have. For a strange reason, I came to hate church, and their very devoted way of worship, their songs of praise, and the way they prayed earnestly when they gathered around the altar. . . I was shy enough to not really be the closest to the altar, but I hated it so much that I didn't want to be around that altar at all. Praising the Lord was too new to me, even saying Jesus' name. . . there were caring sisters at the church who would pray with me and help me, but I didn't feel at all comfortable. I didn't feel the love of Jesus then.
My sister-friend, the woman who drives me to church, would call me on the phone and ask me if I wanted to go, and I'd find excuses to not go, such as not having the appropriate attire (and the custom of my church is for women and girls to wear skirts instead of pants, and long sleeved shirts. A custom of modesty), or some other stuff. . . but sometimes I would give up and go to church with her just for the sake of not disappointing her. When the ushers saw me at the doors, they'd tell me how much they had missed me, and I used to wonder why they worried about me so much. They must have loved me even though they weren't as familiar with me, calling me sister and all, but what did I really know about the love of Christ then? question It seemed like the more I went to church, though not often, the more I felt like an outcast, the more uncomfortable I felt. The brothers and sisters of the church showed me love, but I had hate for the church in my heart. . . cry Eventually, I just stopped going to church, and my sister-friend stopped calling me as often as she used to. Along with that, I forgot the promise that I made to Christ, to serve Him and to follow Him for the rest of my days. I regretted the day I got baptized to that wonderful church, and I threw away my baptizement certificate. sad I didn't really care as much for the love of Christ then. He was insignificant in my eyes.
I would pray to God, but I wouldn't care for Jesus. But, then there is a time when I become confused about who to pray to. "Jesus is God," so I learn from the Bible. Then, I hear from my Catholic mother about the Holy Trinity, which makes me believe that they were two seperate Spirits. During that tumultuous time, I didn't even know how to pray, and all these beliefs that I heard from different denominations made it much more difficult for me. I was fond of the little pamphlets from Jehovah's Witnesses who came knocking on my door. I was super-duper crazy for Awake magazines, too. I believe that this was one of the ways that the Lord had attempted to keep me. Now, as I look back on this, I am aware that the Lord didn't want to lose me then. It was those nice magazines that I found in my mom's car occasionally, that reminded me that God and Jesus were real things. . . I didn't feel enough to care for Jesus then, but now, as I look back, I'm sure that Jesus loved me even though I didn't care. Those magazines were one of the reasons why I eventually yearned for Christ again. whee
However, only reading the magazines wasn't enough to get me to turn myself around. I was still struggling in school, especially to make friends. I wanted to be popular, and I felt ugly around boys. I was still looking for their approval of me, just like before I was baptized. I wanted a boyfriend, but I could never get one. It was all very depressing, especially when there was no one I knew that I could turn to, not even my mother. I didn't think she would care about how I felt about my social life, as long as I wasn't failing school. I didn't feel as comfortable talking to her about my "feeling ugly." I felt as though people didn't care.
This all went on even through ninth grade, my freshman year in high school. But, reading one of the Awake magazines had totally changed my view of making friends. Still, I had other things like shyness to deal with. Then, I met my friend Soni (screenname "Satujinha" on Gaia). She's the one who introduced me to this place. We met in my 5th period Career class, and my teacher made us introduce ourselves to each other. It was fun that day, because I found someone who I had a lot in common with, and I haven't had that kind of friend since 2nd grade. I got her to join the Art Club with me so we could share our artistic talents with others. Satujinha's the one that helped me make more friends than I have ever made. . . in my young life. rolleyes I was very, very happy. But, everything changed when I developed a humongous crush on a cute, curly-haired Jamaican boy in my class. The most humongous of all the crushes I had on boys :heartbreak:
It was the same kind of thing I've been dealing with since puberty. Crushes. . . I thought I could approach this one and win him, but it was really a struggle. He was so cute, but he had no desire at all to talk to me, and I just couldn't stand it. Things then began to really become depressing. I felt so alone, but it was only because he ignored me. My last half of the freshman year didn't really go as good. I even saw the other guy that I had a crush on for 3 years, and he got kicked out of my school. sad I was looking for love in the wrong place and from the wrong people. Things just couldn't get any worse for me. I even cried in the middle of class sometimes. I just got even more depressed. . . I thank the Lord that Satujinha was there to help me through everything, but she couldn't stay with me all the time. She had friends and a life of her own, too. I thought I couldn't get through anything without her and I got so down-hearted when she would go and talk to somebody else and have a good time. I felt as though I was only weighing her down with my negativity, and I just couldn't find a way to cope with it myself. Feeling even uglier than before, I started to hate myself more. I became more concerned with good looks and other things of the world. And, I got the attention of boys, but only so they'd laugh at me. I was even doing other stupid things that I shouldn't have been doing.
But one day, one question that a God-worshipping guy had asked me, made me realize that there are more important things---no, one important thing that I should have been worrying about. "HOW DID YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE TODAY?" "Did you live it wisely, or did you throw it all away?" Then, I realized that I was being vain and carnal, and I forgot the promise that I made to Jesus Christ. I was really wasting my life, looking for ways to help myself feel better, but ending up hating myself even more. . . there are some who worry about their job, and they work so hard to gain, but they get no real joy from the things they buy. There are those who lie in bed waiting to hear the alarm clock ring, and even after it rings, they never hear it and open their eyes. They would never have another chance to get out of bed. I've been taking a lot for granted. One of those people could've been me. I could've been one of those poor people who would one day not ever wake up to hear the alarm clock for the next day. When I realized this, I cried so much. I felt ashamed of myself, and I felt that I didn't deserve to live anymore. I ran to bed and asked the Lord to just let me die in my bed. But, surprisingly, my very mother, whom I thought would never understand me, comforted me on that day. We had a comforting talk about religion, and what I had learned, what I had always known, but always took for granted. She told me that the Holy Spirit was the reason that I felt pious pity and sorrow for myself, because all that's been happening to me made me stray farther from God. That same day, I made a decision to get back on fulfilling my promise to God, and not waste my life anymore. I wanted to go back to church, and grow in wisdom and understanding of the Bible, and I prayed that the Lord would give me another chance at serving Him, an opportunity to learn about Him again in church. I wanted to call my old sister-friend again, but I didn't ever call her. She usually called me. I may have still had problems at but at least I knew things would get better, now that I had better goals for myself and my spiritual life. Nearing the end of the school year, my friend Satujinha gave me some self-help books with Bible-based principles that covered nearly all that I worried about. She knew herself that she couldn't always be there to help me. She wasn't God. sad But she must've known that I needed some help from God.
One day, my sister-friend called me up to see how I was, after 2 years of not going to church together. I asked her if she was able to take me to church, and she said yes! I was so happy. I got to start over with God, and I had learned to feel better about myself, because I knew God loved me, no matter how I looked, no matter if I cared or not, no matter if I wasn't looking to Him for love, and no matter if I took Him for granted. He loved me so much then! He blessed me everyday to get up out of bed, to eat food for breakfast and He supplied me with transportation to school (which is the bus). The more I went to church, the more I learned and I realized just how much important Jesus is. He was no longer insignificant to me. Now, I know how He loves me and what He has in mind for a person like me. I know that I'm part of His splendid plan. I know that He blesses me continuously with the smallest things of life, though I don't see it at times: true friends and family to help me through the day. 3nodding The love of Jesus had helped me to finally kill the old "me," let it die, and I walked in the newness of life as I saw it.
There's still much more to learn in Christ, but I pray that the Lord helps me grow in wisdom and understanding, as I attend church more, and read the Bible more also.
Well, I think that's all I need to type, but if you have questions, ask and I'll see if i can answer. . . Thank you for taking your time to read my story. wink
