I've only typed up the introduction, if people like it I'll add the rest, but I don't want to put all that work into somthing if no one likes it.
Prince White and the Seven Porn Stars.
Snow White, a classic fairy tale. Helpless girl gets in trouble, men save her, yet she still manages to get into trouble, big handsome prince saves her, prince kisses her, they fall in love and everyone lives happily ever after. Well it’s lies. All of it. The real story was suppressed, the media unable to print it, but this story was worth a fortune so the changed a little here, added a little there…..and voila a kid friendly story worth millions. But I’m going to enlighten you, tell you what really happened.
Y’ever notice how damaging stereotyping can be to a person? Take princes for example. A prince is always handsome, kind, buff, smart, sexy, brilliant, daring, brave, compassionate, wise, and loyal. Now, that’s got to be a b***h to lie up to. It’s got to be hard for the average prince to live up to. Well….yes, most princes are babes, but that’s because their daddies are kings. They get the hot chics regardless of what they’re like. A typical royal courtship would consist of a king spotting a looker, saying “Marry me.” And then she agrees because if she doesn’t he’ll behead her. And, a good deal of mature princes are smart, that’s because (does any one ever notice this?), they play with swords a lot. The dumb ones tend to die. Of course they’re daring! Whenever they get in trouble, one of daddy’s goons bails them out. The bodyguard always pays the price for the idiot. Poor Marcus White had a lot to live up too. He was failing.
Sure, he was kind and loyal. But that’s only because he had nothing else going for him. He was ok looking, not deformed or anything. His eyes may have been a little too far apart, his nose a little to round, but it gave him the overall look of a teddy bear…if you could overlook the thin lips. He wasn’t short, he wasn’t tall. All in all he was an average looking guy with no sex appeal. And as I said before, he was kind. Well, he wasn’t mean. He didn’t have the intelligence to be mean. Y’know those really bad guys you read about or see in movies? They’re always either evil geniuses plotting in secret, or they’re complete idiots with lotsa muscles. Now the prince was a prime candidate for the second option. Except for the bit about the muscles. His lack of rippling pectorals crossed that of his possible career list. And Marcus had surprisingly little power for a prince (The king had learned what a buffoon his son was years ago.) Brave… I dunno, I guess you could say he was brave. It was more like foolishly rushing in without reliesing the danger though. Not assessing the situation and going in anyway. O that’s what our prince had. Kindness, sort of. Bravery, almost. Loyalty, yeah loyalty, we can work with that. He’s true to those he knows, loyal to a fault. So…glossing over the not so bright aspects of his personality, we have a kind, if dimwitted prince.
Now what other characters are there?
- Prince Charming (Marcus White)
- Snow White
- Evil Step-mother
- Mirror
- Dwarves
- Huntsman
Now I know you all expect me to do Snow White next, but I won’t. Just to be bitchy. I was going to do her next but instead I’ll do the step-mother. First off she didn’t start evil, that slowly happened over years and years. She was this innocent young maid who works at the palace. She’s loved the prince every since she was ten years old (ok about half of her is in love with his money, but you didn’t hear that from me). She moons over his face while scrubbing toilets, fantasizes about his arms while doing laundry. Quietly loving the prince from not-so-far-away. Now obviously the little maid wasn’t a total babe, because the prince was dumb, not blind. If she was a real looker he’d have packed her of to some secluded cabin somewhere until he was bored with her. *Wink wink, nudge nudge, knowing leer.* If you don’t know what I’m saying you should probably just stop reading and go back to watching My Little Pony on TV. I f my total shot in the dark actually hit. I want to take this opportunity to say I’m sorry. There’s nothing wrong with My Little Pony. I am in no way against My Little Pony. It’s a nice little show. All I’m saying is, the target ages for the show are 3-5.
Well that was a nice little ramble. Back to my story.
As I said, not a total babe, but not ugly enough to run off and make a fortune in the circus either. Which is a shame, because then she would never have become evil and tried to kill the prince. She would have married a nice guy named Bob, who did the snake charming act. They would have had three children, two boys and girl. The girl would have become the gypsy fortune teller, the eldest son the bearded lady (he would have had very feminine features), and the other son would have got the hell out o Dodge. So it really was a shame she wasn’t hideously ugly.
Hmm… and there was another nice little ramble.
So now let’s fast forward through years of her blushing and mumbling “Hi Prince Marcus” and him throwing back a “…hey” before he turned a corner and completely forgot about her. Now she hates his guts and wants to kill him. I’m not saying all crushes turn into full blown hatred and obsession, just that hers did. Personally I think it was the mirrors fault.
Oh yes, there really was a mirror, and she really did hear it. But it didn’t speak. She was just a lonely woman who probably should have had some anti-depressants. The mirror was like an abusive boy-friend; kind and loving one minute, smacking her around the next. Yup, totally the mirror’s fault she ended up an evil twisted b***h. But I don’t want to be unfair, so I’ll tell you, there is no actual proof it was a mirror. It might have been a dog or a little pink flower. I mean, she was ********’ nuts.
Ok, so I’ve gotten rid of a few more idiotic lies.
- Prince Charming (Marcus White)
- Snow White
- Evil Step-mother (Maid)
- Mirror (Lack of anti-depressants)
- Dwarves
- Huntsman
Three down three to go (Because come on, combine the dwarves and they pretty much make up one guy.) Haha, still no Snow.
The Huntsman was everything a prince should be. Which was good because he really was a prince, the younger prince? He was hott. Buff. Sexy. Smart. Brave. He wasn’t however, kind, loyal, wise, or compassionate. But everyone thought he was, so it’s the same thing. His name was Kris and almost everyone wished he’d been the elder son so he could rule the kingdom. The only doubters were his father and his father’s advisors who watched him grow into a man with a wide cruelty streak.
Because I want your full attention for the dwarves I’m going to do Snow White now.
Snow White. Totally hott. Like model hott. Only with boobs. Real ones. Unfortunately, she was also an extreme feminist, y’know all for women voting and all that s**t. Plus, she was real butch about it, totally above using her body to get what she wants. Trying to convince people it was her mind they were interested in. In all fairness it was a pretty sharp mind, probably would have gotten her just as far as her body (maybe farther, but probably not). But she had this real bad habit of being a cynical, sarcastic b***h (who wouldn’t put out). Don’t get me wrong she could be nice, she just usually wasn’t. I think all of her flaws could have been overlooked if she never got nervous. When she got nervous Snow tended to state her opinions, and that pissed people off. Mainly men, if they wanted someone to nag them they’d have gone home to their wives.
So Snow White was basically a hot babe with a fast mind and a smart mouth. Only her name wasn’t Snow, it was Anna. Most people called her Annie to annoy her, and it did, her name was Anna not ******** Annie. Anna, Anna Frost. But Anna’s a really boring name. I can see why they changed it to Snow.
Now all that’s left are the seven dwarves, or rather the seven porn stars. Hmm… y’know? I think they actually did a flick with that title. Okay, I don’t want to give out a lot of the plot with this intro so I’m going to have to stop here and think for a while be back in half an hour.
Well that was a long two weeks. To be honest I forgot about all of you. You’re just not all that important to me. Well now that your souls have been crushed under my foot I’ll get on with it.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. You can’t tell me that you haven’t at least once thought that sounded like a porn flick. A hot babe and seven midgets? Kinky. Well, now you can turn to that person (ok, those people) that told you to shut up and stop being and idiot, you turn, point, and laugh at them because you were half right. It might not have been a porn movie, but they were porn stars. Seven gay guys living in a house. Yeah they were gay, which was generally frowned on in that time period so they pretended to be brothers. They were thinkers these ‘brothers’ (I want to take this opportunity to say I have no problem with gay people and though this story makes fun of them a little I fully support them). Like everything else in the story you know the writers altered this too. Their names weren’t Sleepy, Sneazy, Happy, Grumpy, Bashful, Doc., and Dopey. Instead they were Slutty, Sleazy, Horney, Gropey, Banger, ‘Nurse’, and Dirty.
Just kidding I wanted to see how many of you would actually buy that. C’mon don’t look at me like that, you all laughed.
