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| what would you grade this? |
| A |
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36% |
[ 4 ] |
| B - C |
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63% |
[ 7 ] |
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| Total Votes : 11 |
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 Posted: Sat Sep 18, 2004 9:48 pm
It was all an act now i see,
but you've already taken so much away from me.
it was great...i thought we had it all,
until the day you watched me fall.
Every thing you said was all lies,
and to think you have the nerve to look me in the eyes,
and say i never really ment that much to you,
aren't you sorry for all the s**t you put me threw?
.....then you go and ask if we can still be friends,
but deep inside i know it will never be the same again.
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Posted: Sat Sep 18, 2004 10:23 pm
these would be really good song lyrics... you should write a song with this! But, even if you didn't, this is still good. I like it! I can empathize with it. Nice job! blaugh
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Posted: Sun Sep 19, 2004 10:31 am
Don't be offended, but I didn't really like the rhyme scheme. Too cutesy, I guess, which doesn't fit in with the tone of this poem at all. I've heard many songs/read many poems that say basically the same thing, so if you tried to work with this a little bit and make it more unique, it could be quite good. I'd suggest using a metaphor.
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 5:23 pm
hallo my love.
i admire your poetry, and i can understand where youre coming from. course i do know what youre talking about anyway lol.
despite the fact taht i cant get my rhymes to work as well as yours do (pretty damn well, it just seems to flow, like you rhymed on accident), i do have to agree that you could edit it a lil bit.
dont hate me i still love you!
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 7:02 pm
Meh...just so you know, I'm really tough on poetry. Almost all poetry.
I didn't think the rhyme scheme worked one bit. Line length was a bit too erratic.
You have very good sentiments, but the rhyme scheme devalues it. I would do some real revision--this theme has been done very many times, so make it unique.
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Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 8:03 am
jynxd It was all an act now i see, but you've already taken so much away from me. it was great...i thought we had it all, until the day you watched me fall. Every thing you said was all lies, and to think you have the nerve to look me in the eyes, and say i never really meant that much to you, aren't you sorry for all the s**t you put me through? .....then you go and ask if we can still be friends, but deep inside i know it will never be the same again.
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Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2004 1:25 pm
I personally think it's wonderful! One or two minor gramatical errors but all in all I can just feel the emotion coming from the poem! And as someone else said, it would be an awesome song!
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