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I don't know how to explain what's wrong, because I don't know why I do it. I stopped cutting for a year, a year, I stopped, and then a boy, a stupid teenage boy came along, said something, that made me relasp into my depression, and cutting. I had put away my baggie hoodie, but I have it on again. I really want to stop again, but when something bad happens, I know that the knife is so close, and I can just cut, to make it all go away. Make it were I can't feel anything, but the pain in my arm. That I forget about why I did it.

The worse thing is, that my mother has seen the scrars, and cuts all over my arm. She knows she's missing a knife. She even asked me, "Are those from the cats?" She didn't ask Lacey are you cutting, she asked if they were cat scratches. So now I wear everything baggie, no matter how hot, the sweater stays on. During Gym, it stays on. When I'm walking home, it stays on. And people that cut, carve, whatever that may accidently see them, say I'm so terrible, so weird, such a freak.

Actually the real reason I started again, was because the boy took my heart out, stepped out it a couple of times, let his girlfriend, and then gave it back, with a smile, and she only made it worse. My supposed to be friend showed him the scars on my arms, showed him how weird I was, how I cut, but I had STOPPED, I was better, I had washed the knife, with so much soap, and put it away. I had stopped, and they made me feel the way I did, the year before. When I had used that knife, when I thought it could make feel better. I don't even want to draw anymore, or read. The two things I love. My grades are slipping into B's. My mother wants to send me to Private school, because of it. I feel if she sends me away anywhere, I'll just want to more, because I won't have my friends to pick me up at school, when I do feel the need to get a pen, and drag it across my skin.

Everyone ask me Lacey have you been molested, or raped? Is that why you cut? And I want to say no, but a part of me, feels like I was, somehow. I know it's weird, but I feel like my mind locked it away, so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I just don't understand, I cut, and I want to stop again, so that I don't have the scabs, and pink scars. And you know what I've gotten so used to the blade, I draw things on my arm, pretty pictures she told me. I swear it seems like it's attached to my arm.

I'm afraid that I will actually kill myself, if I'm left alone, but I don't want to tell my mother, because she always says things about how Suicide is so wrong, and cutting is this. How if her kids did it, she would not have kids....

It goes on like that, and I'm afraid my mother won't help me even if I told her.

Update:

I'm extremely upset, because my dad is moving, and that means I have to leave all my friends behind, and make new ones. I'm to shy to make new ones, and it's always hard during summer, because I have to cover of my scars, and cuts, so the people there don't see.

I've also gotten so bad, as to take apart a razor, like one of those things to shave your legs with, have plastic around them, and things, to cut myself, because my mom found my knife. She still hasn't confornted me about. I guess she wants me to be her perfect daughter, until she's faced with it full on. I don't really care, because I really think I'm going to kill myself, before school starts up. I don't really want to go back to the place, that was my main tortue.

Thanks.
I've been thinking of talking to one of my most trusted teachers, when I go back to school, but I don't know.

Yes, but I have no one to hug sadly.
My sister is grown, and gone.
My mom, well, I not going on the subject of my mom.
My dad is distant.
And my friends, well they think I'm weird enough.

Different school?!

That's like asking me to pick up my life, and move to a different country.
Anyway, my mother, and father aren't going to just drive we across the state everyday, to go to a new school.
They both work early in the morning.

I'm slowly getting better again.
My best friend is helping me, she makes me laugh, and smile, when I need to cut, or crave, or anything.


But I'm actually afraid that even that won't help, because she can't always help me, when I'm down, or upset.
And sometimes she's completely dumb-founded, to what she should do, but like I said I'm slowly getting better.
Without the help of a theacher, family, or anybody else.

^^

Yea, I really miss her, because she's been visiting family all summer. gonk

Yea, I knows.
I still miss her, but we had a arguement yesterday. crying
So, she's mad at me.

Having arguements is normal in any relationship. It's whether or not you can talk about it afterwards that matters. Try giving her some time to cool down, and then talking to her about it.

As for going back to school, could you ask your dad to let you be homeschooled, or ask to go to a different school?