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 Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 8:31 pm
Welcome to my journal. Disclaimer:This journal contains ALL aspects of my personal abortion procedure. I created this journal for the purpose of sharing a somewhat taboo experience with others. (Be them pro-life or pro-choice.)
Emotional aspects of this abortion should not be used as a blanket example for abortions. The personal views expressed in this journal do not directly represent the pro-choice guild's philosophy on abortion. I'd like to say this journal is as unbiased as I can make it, included the bad with the good.
Should anyone have any questions, comments, or concerns surrounding the contents of the journal can freely pm me. (I don't bite, I promise.) However, hate mail will not be tolerated. Feel free to use any materials in this journal as reference, however, do not take them as face-value fact, since it is a singular personal experience.Discussion in this thread is welcomed. Feel free to post questions, reflections, and a little comedy here and there to keep spirits high. This thread was created on July 15, 2005
This thread is my way to share the experience
of the journey my partner and I are about to take together.
This journey is the abortion process.
After the procedure has been completed,
this thread will be moved to the library
as a way to provide education
for women and couples planning on
going through an abortion
as well as those who are curious about
the entire process.Journal Entries. All journal entries can be found at the mid-section
of this page, since quick linking doesn't work
too well with a guild. Feel free to quote them, or
ask any questions, even if the journal
entry is older.
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Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 8:33 pm
Timeline
August 18: Went for my follow-up exam.
August 08: My spotting has stopped. Total time spotting post-procedure; 2 weeks, 3 days.
August 06: My 21st birthday!
July 27: No longer bleeding. Tomorrow is the last day of me having to take pills twice a day! I will then only have to take my birth control daily.
July 24: Already using panty liners rather than pads for catching any after procedure spotting.
July 22: Had the abortion at 1:30pm central time with no complications.
July 20: Made my appointment for the abortion, which will be Saturday July 22, 2006 at 10:00 am.
July 19: Had a pretty bad emotional breakdown surrounding the entire situation.
July 18: Went to Planned Parenthood for my initial lab work and abortion counselling. Found out I was unable to medically abort and must get the surgery.
July 16: Woke up sore after spending the night at Aaron's. I was pretty sure it was from being at the beach all day Saturday. We decided to take the drug mifepristone to terminate the pregnancy. I also peed 30+ times today and decided that I should charge my baby rent, since it is getting a free ride.
July 15: Told my close friends about my choice. All of them responded with support with the exception of one, who seemed deeply troubled. Aaron's tour gets set back from the end of July to August 4th.
July 14: Aaron got paid. We went and bought a new box of tests and confirmed that yes, I am pregnant. After a long conversation about our options, we decided that an abortion is in our best interest. We also opted not to tell our mothers, who are both pro-life.
July 11: Had a positive pregnancy test after suspecting I was pregnant due to the lightest period I've ever had. I barely slept and Aaron tried hard to stay up with me even though he had to work at 6.
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Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 8:34 pm
About Us.  My boyfriend Aaron and I have been dating for close to a year now. We knew each other through most of our childhoods, into middle school because of mutual friends, and through-out highschool due to involvement in similar activities. (In fact, Junior year, we played Mr. and Mrs. Cratchit in Scrooge.) I had always thought he was an absolute babe, but always saw him as conceited. We graduated separate years and went our separate ways, living only 4 blocks from one another. One night, I headed to the gas station before work and there he was! He had matured and looked at least 50 times more handsome than before. We exchanged numbers and a few weeks later, I headed to his house and we began hanging out. I helped him make an altered book for the girl he liked, since I had a boyfriend at the time. Things went badly with my relationship during the work process and eventually, he learned that the girl wasn't worth his time and slowly, our long term friendship grew into a beautiful loving relationship.About me:  My name is October. I'm 20. I go to a local college in Indiana. I am on the dean's list, an honor student, an artist, and among other things, an unexpected mother. I work at a local sandwich shop and make menial earnings. I'm a tough girl with a good heart and my main motto is "Open doors for everyone, doormat to no one." My family has no health insurance and I can't afford to insure myself. I was taking the oral contraceptive Levora regularly and having occasional fun with condoms (Twisted Pleasure = fun until it falls off and results in a vaginal scavenger hunt) when I found out I was pregnant. About my boyfriend: 
Aaron is 21. He is one test away from becoming a paramedic, but has chosen to set aside time to pursue his dream of becoming a professional musician with his band, The Summerfight. He is the lead singer of the band but can also play bass and is learning to play drums. He works at a hamburger place. However, he makes pretty good money there.
He is a sweet, caring, and nuturing guy. He's very expressive emotionally and is always the first to offer a leg up in a bad situation. I may have him write some of his feeling down on paper so that I can then transfer them here, to share with everyone.
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Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 8:35 pm
Information, Myths, and Rumors Surrounding Abortion Abortion Statistics 60% of abortions are performed on women who already have one or more children
63% of abortion patients are white.
90% of women who are at risk for unplanned pregnancies are using contraception
54% of women having an abortion said they used some form of contraception during the month they became pregnant.
(A side note, so these women, who were protecting themselves, are irresponsible even though they tried their best. stare ) Abortion is the lazy way out! Believe it or not, abortion is a very emotionally painful journey for many women. It is also not free, or simple, or easy. Many times a woman will find out she is pregnant in her second trimester, meaning her choice is much harder. Many women who undergo abortion feel relief afterward, but some can be emotional scarred. While pro-life people believe this number is much higher, the average abortion patient will recover fine with little long-term emotional trauma. Abortion Causes Cancer! Contrary to a popular pro-life debate tactic, abortion has not been linked to cancer. All studies surrounding abortion and cancer have been inconclusive. "In that study, researchers studied 1.5 million Danish women born between April 1935 and March 1978. Instead of depending on the women's answers, the scientists turned to Denmark's national abortion and breast cancer registries. They found no difference in breast cancer risk between women who'd had an abortion and those who hadn't." - USA TODAY Information about Mifepristone from Experience: I have been through the beginnings of a surgical abortion, and learned that I'd have to opt for the nonsurgical kind (my cervix wouldn't dialate). I took mifepristone orally and then misoprotol vaginally. If I were to go through an abortion again, I would probably opt for nonsurgical simply because it feels more natural and the shot to the cervix intended for the surgical abortion was pretty painful.
I'm sure you've already learned all this, but the main issue with a nonsurgical abortion is that you need to be prepared for heavy bleeding for at least 2 weeks, and severe cramps the first night after taking medication (the cramps are easy to get rid of with a 400 mg dose of ibuprofin, they may perscribe painkillers as well).
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Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 8:36 pm
Questions!
This section is set aside to show answers to questions that are often asked in this thread or by pm. I will keep the names of people who pm me annonymous if they do not wish to be identified.
About the reaction of my family How did your parents handle to news about your pregnant status and your decision to void the pregnancy?
~
Answer: I have opted not to tell my parents. They are pro-life and not very understanding. I've had a conversation with my mom in the past and she said if I were to become pregnant, she'd help me raise the baby and that she would want me to have it. Plus, we all don't get along well.
About Abortion Opposition in my Life Did anyone give you a hard time because of your decision? (friends, family, protesters, etc?) If yes, how did you respond to those individuals?
~
Answer: I have almost all pro-choice friends. The majority of them responded with support and light humor. (Not that abortion is something to make a joke out of, but it's much easier to deal with that people getting quiet on you and saying how sorry they are for you.) I had one co-worker, who I considered a good friend give me the silent treatment when I told her. I stopped her, sat her down and explained to her that if she was pro-life, this was in no way meant to offend her. I also explained to her that I valued her opinion and what she had to say about the matter. She seemed to lighten up a little.
Indiana Law, and my opinion. Indiana law dictates that you have to wait 7 days and recieve counselling as well as be told reasons to not have an Abortion, at least so I've read. Did you ever feel like you had a problem, or that this law was unfair? Or did you even feel its influence?
Answer: The law has since been changed, I imagine. Since I was not informed of any reasons to "not" have an abortion. I was informed of health risks associated with abortion and I recieved a small bit of counselling, where mostly, I talked to the nurse about UIDs. The only time I cried was when I felt deeply touched that this group of people work so hard to take care of everyone equally and make them as comfortable as possible.
I was read the Indiana Law and 18 hours after reading and signing a paper that I had heard and read it, I was eligible for abortion. It might differ a bit from county to county.
Reguarding my personal costs If you don't mind me asking, what the the total cost for everything you had done?
Answer: 400$ total for the clinical ordeal. I'll break down the entire thing for you, too, since you asked!
100$ for the initial visit, which included various lab tests and an ultrasound.
300$ for the actual procedure, this price included medications given to me.
20$ gas to take the trips to and from the clinic both days.
10$ pads, panty liners, and a bottle of ibuprofen.
12$ heating pad
10$ thermometor (Needed to take my temperature throughout the day)
40$ - cost lost from taking off work before I could apply for the paid vacation. (I wish I hadn't taken it, since I feel fine.)
~8-10$ - extra expenses (food for that day, bottles of water, box of tissue ect.)
Total expenses: ~500$ 25% of it from my own pocket, since I wanted some things for convienience. Aaron paid for 75% of my abortion expenses. He would have paid for 100%, but I wanted to help out, since it wasn't just his mistake.
I also might add that I did not have to recieve an extra shot (30$) that was needed for Rh negative blood type
My check-up When do you go for your check-up?
Answer: Although I had orginally said 2 weeks, the correct answer is 3. My check up is Monday August 14th.
Answer: Vaginal walls/cerevix. I believe I received 4-5. I didn't count since needles freak me out. So yes. I got shots -there-.
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Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 10:18 pm
Journal Entries Sunday Aug 20 Finally Behind Me.
Finally, with the post-abortion check up done, I can go on with my life. I went on the 18th and got a pregnancy test which came back negative and then got a pap test which also had the doctor examining my cerevix for any irregularities. She said it had closed up and healed very well and that I was ready to have sex, use tampons, and bathe again. So! I went home, had sex, bathed, and bought a box of tampons to huggle, since I hated using pads for a month straight.
Aaron came home the 16th, a day early, to suprise me. He came in and I looked like junk and was working on my resume for my new job. Speaking of which, I will no longer be a sandwich maker. I've aquired a new job at a hotel at the front desk. I will be given plenty of hours, plenty of pay, and.... INSURANCE! I am so happy! I couldn't believe it. In three months, I will have health, dental, and vision insurance compliments of this new job. I will also have my bills caught up by then and Aaron and I can finally start getting ready to move in together.
I also got rid of my car, which had been giving me so many problems. I bought a 2000 Toyota Echo. It's gorgeous. Love of mah life.
This is the last journal entry, since the entire situation is now over. I am glad to have been able to share this story with everyone and had no idea it would move so many people to offer so much support, gifts, well-wishes, and good lucks, reguardless of them being pro-choice or pro-life.
Aaron and I wanted to thank everyone for keeping us in their thoughts during a very difficult time. We are both deeply touched.
Should anyone need to ask questions reguarding this journal I will always be available through pms. Thank you! Sunday Aug 13 Help Girlfriend, Stop all the Downloading. =(
So I still have spotting. I plan on taking up the issue with the clinician when I return for my check up on Tuesday. At the check up, I get to take a pregnancy test to make sure I am no longer pregnant. I also will be getting a pap test so that I can continue taking oral contraceptives. Not that I'm too happy about getting the pap test, but I'll be glad when it's done since it won't happen again for another year. (Cold ky jelly anyone? *shudder*)
Aaron's been gone for about a week now, touring the east coast. Tomorrow he plays in Manhattan. He should be home on the 17th. I will be glad, since I miss him so much. We will have a lot to talk about when he gets home and work to do, since we are planning on holding a pro-choice rally in the fall.
I've had some cramping today, which is unusual. I am thinking it's not uterine pain, since it is more towards my groin muscles, which are probably sore from walking around so much at my two jobs. Speaking of which, I have a second job now as a secretary.
I have a beautiful painting of Aaron and I to give him when he returns home. I hope the gift is sufficient enough, since I don't have any money for an official "welcome home" lingerie set.
My birth control's timing is a bit off, too. I will be on my period when he returns home. How fun is that? Wait a month without sex, only to wait another week! (Boo).
Anyway- Monday or Tuesday will be the last entry in this journal. I will be posting the last bits of information I have learned, and my experience at my check up. Afterwards, it will be moved to the library, for future reference or inspiration. Tuesday Aug 1 Why me? What the hell? RAWR! Ect....
So, I've had mild spotting for the past few days, nothing major and no pain. I'm considering having sex, but I'm not exactly sure if this is a good idea. I'm trying to find general information on the web, but it is difficult to find information about the healing process post-abortion, since it varies so much from person to person.
I personally feel that if we tried very slowly and gently pace wise, I could handle it.
If anyone can help, please GOD help. (But pm me, I'd rather not have explicit suggestions in the thread.) Thursday Jul 27 SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED!! Warning: This is about the effects on our sexual relationship. If you are offended, please refrain from reading.
So last night, Aaron and I came to this absolute breaking point. We have this way about us, where, when we are happy and relieved, we want very badly to connect intimately. We especially like to after long philisophical conversations. All of which have happened after the abortion. I've been really really, well, horney to be blunt.
While I have been told not to insert anything into my v****a or receive oral sex, they didn't mention anything about clitoral stimulation, so! Last night, Aaron and I gave in and decided to try mutual masturbation as a substitute for intercourse. While it is DEFINETELY not the same, it still helped us connect on an emotional level. It was nice to try and get back to routine, but still sad, since we know that intercourse won't happen for quite a while.
I had mild vaginal pain during arousal. I am sure it has a lot to do with the small shot wounds, since it felt similar to getting the shots, but much much weaker. I managed to withstand it, since it was so mild. I will probably call the clinic tomorrow to make sure that it is normal.
Edit: I've had some nausea from taking so much pain medication for a headache today. I've also had some mild cramping and some spotting, probably due to a clot that is passing. Mon Jul 24 You've got this, This Process.
So this journal entry is mainly about my experience at Planned Parenthood and the procedure I had done.
My friend and I arrived at the clinic at 10:30, my exact appointment time! We sat in the waiting room for about 30-45 minutes, I was called into the back. I thought it was already time and got really really nervous. The nurse explained to me that it was not time, and instead, I was going to be given a buncha medication.
She gave me a bottle of doxycycline, and one dose of ciprofloxacin, both to be taken later. I got a dose of ibuprofen 800 and a little cup of water. She then gave me two miso (she called them miso, I assume that they were mifepristone or something along those lines. I didn't really ask because I was a bit in a daze. I had to keep them in my cheek and let them dissolve slowly. They were to soften my cerevix. She said to me, as she handed them to me, that once those go into my cheek, there is no turning back and asked me one more time if this is my choice. They tasted like a**. Chalky a**. I was then told to go back out to the waiting room and that the doctor would be ready for me around 12:30.
She said I was welcome to go get food, or leave for a while. I put on a pad, since she said I might have spotting. So I went to the gas station with my friend and she bought me a bottle of water to help get down the disolving remnants of the chalk trying to wedge between the cracks in my teeth. We then came back and sat in the parking lot, shooting the s**t. I smoked at least half a pack of cigarettes. We went back inside and sat for a little while longer and she fell asleep in the chair next to me. I talked to some other girls in the waiting room about all sorts of things. Many of them already had children. They were all older than me. My friend woke up and we decided to take turns going outside and smoking just in case I got called in. I went out to the car and experienced this HUGE gush shortly after I began smoking a cigarette. I finished as quickly as possible and rushed in. As soon as I came in, the nurse called me into the back. I informed her that I had been bleeding heavily and she told me to go change my pad and to pee if I had to. I went into the bathroom and peed, when I did, I passed a large feeling object, most likely a blood clot. I spent a little time looking for whatever it was and then went back into the hall, where I was taken into a small room with a couple of chairs and a gynocologist's chair.
I was told to remove my pants and underwear and sit on the table with a paper blanket over me. I was sitting on a puppy pad, meant to catch any blood. I waited a little while and who should I see, but the ultrasound nurse! She came in and I think she knew how happy I was to see her. She asked if my pills had fully disolved and explained that the doctor would come soon. I told her about my blood clot and she said that was normal. I hadn't been cramping, so I asked her and she said that was normal too.
The doctor came in and he was an older man, probably in his mid-50's. He was very friendly and told me exactly what we were going to do and how things would work. I nodded and what not, pretty grossed out by the whole thing and so he asked about my cramps and bleeding, then asked the nurse "Yes or no?" and she said "Yes" so I laid back with my feet in the stirrup things. My head was propped up, so I was sitting up more than when one goes to a gynocologist. The nurse asked if I wanted to lay back more and I told her no. Since I could see the machines this way, I tried not to look. I spent most of my time looking at the nurse. He used the forceps thing used to hold your v****a open during any routine gyno visit and asked if it pinched. Since it didn't, we proceeded.
First he sprayed some antiseptic into my v****a. It was warm, so I wouldn't tense up. Then he put gauze inside for "House cleaning" and promised he wouldn't leave it in there. The nurse then asked me to take slow, deep breaths. This freaked me out since I knew it was time for some shots. I was also asked to please not scream or be loud, so that I didn't freak anyone else out. So I bit my hoody and took deep breaths. The needles hurt SO SO SO SO SO bad. (so bad, for reitteration.) I got three to four shots and yes, each one hurt just as bad as the first. I didn't cry though, because it wasn't so bad that I was going to pass out, it just stung and burned and gave me some cramping.
We took a short break. more for sanity than anything. The doctor said that I wouldn't notice when the medicine worked because it is very mild and gentle. We talked about being pro-choice and the rights of women. The main topic was stem cell research, since it was so current. He was very educated, and told me that he has two nephews with MS and that the veto was a big disappointment for him. He told me he is a retired geneticist and doctor. He also said that even though he is retired, he knows he is still needed there at Planned Parenthood. We talked about the emergency pregnancy clinics that were getting government funding and misinforming women about abortion. He then asked if I was ready and I asked for a couple more minutes. He went and got a political cartoon about Bush and it helped get my mind off of things. They were very funny!
Then it was time to use the rods to dialate my cerevix. This part wasn't so bad, just gross and involved a lot of heavy cramping. The nurse had me breathing very slowly and I established a good rhythm. They seemed to get a laugh out of how everytime I cramped or hurt, I made noises associated with being totally grossed out. It didn't take long to dialate and the doctor was very quick and let me know how many more seconds to go and how close I was to getting done with the hardest, most painful part.
After that, he explained the sounds I would hear from the vaccum machine and how it would feel. He again, asked if I was ready, and I said yeah. He then turned on the machine, which had a very soft sound to it, similar to the vaccum at a dentist's office. He began the process, which involved mild cramping. Anytime the machine was going to make an abrupt noise or I was going to experience a change in the way it felt, he would announce it by saying "Noise", "Air" ect. I watched the machine every now and then, seeing bits of tissue and blood and some orange pumpkin goop going through the tubes. He let me know how close I was to being done and then finished soon after. The nurse asked how I was feeling, and I told her fine. Then he used a little scoop to make sure he was finished and then removed the gauze and then took the gyno stretch thing out of my v****a (Ah, relief) Then the doctor got ready to leave, I shook his hand, and thanked him.
The nurse waited in the room to make sure I was okay. I told her I saw the machine and she was shocked and told me that it's her job to make sure the girls lie down and try to keep them from looking, since it can cause stress. I told her it was no problem for me and that she didn't have to worry about me. She didn't need to help me, and I told her I was glad she was there, because she was my favorite person from when I got my lab testing. She showed me to the recovery room and I sat in a recliner, writing about my experience. There was a nurse in the room, she was VERY pregnant and another girl, who left shortly after I came in. The nurse came over and sat next to me and we talked for a while and I kept telling her how I wanted BIG GREASY CHEESEBURGERS. She laughed and told me to be careful, because they might make me sick. I kept asking if having no cramps was normal and she said yes. So then, shortly after, I got to leave! I had to check my pad to make sure I wasn't still bleeding heavily and then a nurse guided me out of the office and I went out to the car, where I told Ashley that I had to eat or I'd start to dine on purse objects.
Later, after eating and taking my medications, I got to go to Aaron's. There, I had some cramping and he gave me a uterine massage (Recommended by the nurses) which made them go away. I felt much better, so instead of going to my other friend's house, I went home and cleaned my room. It was rainy and gross out, so I was glad to be home. I finished up around 2 and went to bed, where I slept peacefully for the first night in two weeks. I woke up around 11am and cleaned my bathroom. I'm glad it's done. I can relax now without any incident. No cramps still! I feel fine and am glad to be relaxed and at ease. Sat Jul 22 How do you feel today?
I got home quite a while ago, but I slept for like 4 hours, relaxed, ATE A BIG FREAKING CHEESEBURGER, and cleaned my room. The procedure went really smoothly and I am feeling very little pain. In fact, I have such mild cramping that I barely notice it. I even felt up for cleaning my room! Tomorrow, I am going to do laundry and such, although I'll probably take quite a few breaks to relax and sit down. I'll probably write about the procedure in the next couple of days, since my mom has been in and out of my room tonight. (She still doesn't know and, pending she never finds my paperwork, she probably never will.) I will probably just write about it at Aaron's. I just thought I'd pop in to let you all know how well I am doing and thank everyone for thinking of me, praying for me, and wishing me in good health. Fri Jul 21 Financial Mumbo Jumbo, A letter to an angel.
Last night, I only cried for about 5 minutes. It was the first time I told myself "I will be OKAY. This will all be over in a day. I will be OKAY.", as a method to calm myself. It seemingly worked and I managed to have a peaceful night's sleep. I also got a gaian get well soon gift, and, pending the trade goes through, my quest for golden laurels will have ended way early. (I gave what I could for them, since I don't believe in a free ride.)
Today I went to the bank, got my 300$ money order, bought pads (ugh. I hate pads SO much.) and thought a little about what to wear and bring tomorrow. I want to bring a book, but I'd rather bring my sketch pad so I can draw, or a notebook so I can write.
I went and paid my phone bill! (Huzzah, I can call people again!) There, a little boy was selling candy. A girl in an orange skirt bought a bunch and as I walked around the corner she said, "Here you go, girl. I bought way too much!", laughing and giving me a big warm smile. I was feeling pretty crappy, but it cheered me up. (Even though I don't like peanut mm's.) So I decided to write her a letter, since I didn't have time to think about what was going on:
Dear Girl in a fluffy orange skirt:
Today you gave a bag of candy to a random stranger on the street. You didn't realize the length of what you did for that person. That person was me. I am having an abortion tomorrow. It is a frightening and disheartening thing for me. Your gift of something so small lifted my spirits and gave me the strength to move on with my day. Two days ago, I prayed in the bathtub for God to send me an angel to help me through this. I never believed prayers were answered, but the kindness of a stranger in a city where many people are unfriendly and rude, showed me differently. I was touched by your kindess. God, or whatever religion you are part of, bless you. You were a comfort to me.
Sincerely,
Girl in black t-shirt. Thurs Jul 20 More Arrangements Than Two Funerals and A Wedding CombinedA little recap of last night, since I had some issues dealing with things. I called my boss and for some reason just bawled the entire time as I asked for my week's vacation. Luckily, she is a woman, so she wasn't freaked out. I told her I had blood clots in my uterus from a miscarriage and that way, I could slightly vent about the anxiety I have surrounding the procedure. She was very comforting. I told her I hadn't told my parents and she was very understanding and told me that was my choice as an adult. She gave me my week's vacation without a second thought and asked me to keep in touch with her to let her know how I am doing.
I then told my parents that I was spending the night at my friend's house on Friday and that we were going shopping on Saturday. Then after that, I told them, I was going to a concert with my boyfriend and would probably just stay at his house Saturday night and go out for breakfast Sunday morning. They gave it the okay, so I am all set for my weekend. Aaron has a show Saturday night, so I am going to stay with my other friend while he is gone and he will be picking me up from her house afterward.
Then after all that, my boyfriend came and got me and I went to his house for the majority of my night. I ran a bath and went and soaked. There, I had some mild pain in my stomach, most likely from stress. I started thinking, which isn't the best thing to do in the bathtub. I thought about my embryo and how it is depending on me. I thought about how this little thing was made from me and this person I love so much. I was feeling pretty low and started to bawl when Aaron came in. He came over to the tub and just rocked me, even though I was wet. I kept sobbing and saying "Oh my god, I am killing our baby. I am killing our baby. I am so angry at myself. I am so scared. I know this is the right thing to do in our situation, but I'm killing our baby. It's ours. It is going to die." And then he got all teary eyed and told me that he was so angry and sad and confused that all this was happening. He told me that once it was over, it was over and that I just had to make it through to Saturday. I knew he was right and I tried to calm down, but I was having such a hard time placing myself in this situation.
I wanted my mom. I wanted her to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay, but I know it wouldn't be that way. I know she would be angry and hurt. I wanted my dad. I wanted him to hug me so bad, but I knew he would be disappointed in me. So Aaron told me to be brave, because he knew that out of any of the girls he has ever known, I was the only one he thought could make it through this and come out with only bruises.
I stayed over at his house until I was pretty tired. He took me home and I went straight to sleep. No bad dreams, just blackness.
Today I got a little stressed out, since I hadn't made my actual abortion appointment yet. I was worried that they wouldn't be able to take me on Saturday, meaning I would lurch far too close to my second trimester for my liking and might not be able to get the abortion at all. While this would have been a horrible thing, I would take it as a sign from another world that this baby was supposed to be for me. However, I got off of work and called from my friend's cell phone and made my appointment, which is Saturday at 10:30 am. I felt a bit relieved after I got off the phone, knowning that in a day and a little bit, it would all be over and I could begin the healing process. The lady on the phone was very nice. I think she could tell I was a bit apprehensive. My best friend said she will take me tomorrow during the day to pay my phone bill with whatever money she can scrape up to help me with. I will be glad to have that out of the way as well.
Pray for me, even if you don't believe in the same thing. Wish me well. Chant for me. Ask for Allah to give me strength. Whatever your religion or belief, help me out by just thinking of me. I am still very very frightened. Wed Jul 19 Absolutely Terrified, Absolutely.
I went to planned parenthood yesterday. It went a lot different than I had planned. I am 2 months, 4 days pregnant, too far along to medically abort as I had planned for emotionally. I am terrified of surgery of any kind. I have to go this Saturday for a vaccum asperation abortion, which is very soon, so I have little time to prepare myself for the operation. However, I cannot wait even another week, since it will stretch past the date available for first trimester abortion. As I had said to some of the people in the thread, the experience was harrowing for me. Unlike many of the girls who opt not to see the baby, I wanted to see it. (After all, it's mine damnit. I want to see what's been growing in there!) The baby is very small, maybe an inch, with enourmous eye sockets and little tentacle arms and legs. It is laying on the left side of my uterus on it's back with it's head turned to the side staring with gaping non-exsistent eyes in the picture I have of it. Aaron was not allowed in the back with me, so I went through the day feeling pretty separated. Only a wall stood between me and the one person I wanted more than anything in the world. So, let's talk about the process.
I arrived around 10:10, since we overslept, and was handed a pile of papers to fill out including medical history, abortion papers that asked questions like who was supporting me and if the man involved knew. After finishing that, I turned those in with 100$ for the appointment. They copied my driver's license and soon after, I was ushered into the back by the ultrasound nurse.
She was really pretty and very kind, letting me ask questions, and explaining things to me. I was first given a vaginal ultrasound, but was too far along and had to get a tummy one. Well, damnit, if I had known that, I could avoided some serious discomfort, since the vaginal ultrasound was cold and weird feeling. (They put a condom thing over it.) Anyway, after a long search, she found the baby and took some pictures and told me about how big it was, which is a LOT smaller than it looked in the pictures, to my relief. I then peed in a cup, got dressed, and waited in a FREEZING hallway. I swear that the air conditioning was at like 40* or something.
Aaron had given me his hoody, so I felt a bit safer. Next, I went into a room with about 4 other women, two of them looked like they were in their 40's and one looked like she was 16. We were read the Indiana state laws concerning abortion and had to sign that the resident nurse had read the laws to us. My chair had a blanket. You better believe I used it!
Then, we all sat in the hallway and some of us did lab work, the others went to watch a video on vaccum aspiration that had to have been made in the 80's. However, it was very accurate. It showed a demonstration using a cartoon on how the surgery is performed. The doctor uses the plastic thing from a pap smear and often times takes a pap test. Your v****a is then washed in antiseptic and you are given a shot to ease the discomfort. After that, the doctor uses different sized rods to dialate your cerevix and then vaccums out the contents of the uterus. (I know I am missing parts, but that is what I remember.) Then, you go to a recovery room and sit in a lazy boy with other women who are recovering. You are given something small to eat, a blanket, and then left to your devices until you feel comfortable enough to leave. (They said about 30 minutes is the average.) I then make a follow up appointment two weeks later, which can be done at the planned parenthood close to my house, and can return home.
We finished watching the video and then some girls went into counseling. I got my lab work done. It included bloodwork, which was a single discreet finger p***k as opposed to getting blood drawn from the arm. I found out I had positive type blood, which was fortunate, since I had heard the nurse explaining to negative type blood women that they required an extra shot. I was weighed ect. and then not too long after, went into the counseling room. By then I was pretty tired and hungry.
I talked to the lady about UID's, the changing over of my pills that resulted in this pregnancy, and expressed how I was not happy that I had to get vaccum aspiration. However, I learned that the proceedure is cheaper than taking the medication. We talked about my boyfriend and I cried because I felt so touched that all these people cared about me. I also told her how I was glad I had this option available to me and we both teared-up when the idea that this choice could be taken from us. I then signed some more papers and got to leave.
We got into the car, I showed Aaron the pictures and proceeded to cry all the way to the mall, where he took me to get my mind off of it. He said the baby looked like a jellyfish, trying to take away the human aspect of it for me. We walked around the mall and he bought me a massage and some food to calm my stomach. I felt better, we left, and all the way home I cried again. I wasn't crying out of guilt, but terror. I am so afraid of surgery.
I calmed down long enough to go to work, get my check, and go cash it. We went to his house and I laid down with him and cried until I thought my eyes would turn to sand in their sockets. He did his best to comfort me and then slept with me the rest of the evening. We woke up later and talked about our options for Saturday. Aaron has to work 6-3 and so I have to have someone else take me. Fortunately, my friend Ashley said she has no problem taking me and then letting me stay at her house until Aaron can come home and get me. She also offered to help me with bills, since I had to come up with half of the money and that was the majority of my paycheck. I am glad she is going, since she will be a comfort when I get out and is good at making jokes that cheer me up when I am sick, or sad, or scared. I will be all of those on Saturday. I also have to call off of work, which is going to suck. I have to tell my boss that I am getting emergency surgery and that I will need a few days off. I think I will just ask if it is even remotely possible for me to just take my week's paid vacation as recovery time. The good part is, the vacation will coinside with Aaron leaving for his tour with his band, so I can easily say I want to spend time with him before he goes. I'm really scared. Absolutely terrified. Mon Jul 17 A Bit Disheartened
I called planned parenthood today and set up my initial appointment to go in and get an evaluation and all that other wonderful fun medical garbage. I'm not too pleased today. The lady had no problem fitting me in tomorrow, but she said I could be there for 6 hours! 6HOURSWTF!? I also asked if I am able to bring my partner. She told me he is able to come, but must stay in the waiting room the entire time. I don't think that it is fair for him. This is his baby too. I told her so, too. She said it is a precaution to make sure that the girl undergoing abortion isn't being pressured into it by her boyfriend. Well, he isn't a pressure, but shouldn't he be allowed to go into counselling with me so that we can both talk about our feelings on the issue? I'm very disappointed. I also am upset that he won't even get to see what our baby looked like (clump of goop cough cough). He said he will still go, but he will probably go find something to do to keep himself busy. I will probably give him my phone so I can call him when I am done.
I also have to get bloodwork. I hate needles. I hope I get counselling before needles, since I don't want to go into the therapist's office bawling like a baby over a freaking needle. The first appointment is going to cost us 100$ and the medication itself is 500$. Not exactly my ideal amount, but safer since it is planned parenthood. My appointment is tomorrow morning at 10 am. Wish me luck. Sun Jul 16 All burnt out.
Today I did some looking around and was pleased to find a planned parenthood only 45 minutes away from my house that offers the medication mifepristone, which is used as a first trimester abortion drug. I read over some of the information on the drug, which included side effects. (My favorite part.) Side effects included nausea, vomitting, diahrea, periodic bleeding, dizziness, fatigue, and soreness. That's funny. A lot of those are pregnancy symptoms, with the exception of periodic bleeding, since that's usually a bad sign. I told Aaron and he and I have decided to give them a call on Monday (July 17) to set up an appointment. Hopefully, that appointment will occur the next day, when he has the day off of work and can take me. I am going to probably take the day off work, pending I can find someone to work for me. After I did the looking, I went to the beach with my best friend and told her. She was very supportive and even offered to take me for some of my follow up visits. I consider myself lucky to have a circle of pro-choice friends who won't let me go through this alone. But boy... they sure don't care if I wear sunscreen. I am a lobster. A pregnant lobster. redface Being in the heat made me kinda nauseated and I found myself a bit hotter than I used to feel. I guess it's the extra 14 lbs I'm running around in. Sun Jul 16 Some reflection on the past.
I want to try and write everyday as I get closer to setting up an appointment. I'm a bit nerve-wracked, since I have never gone through any of this personally.
Aaron and I talked with one another about our options and have decided to try the option of medication to terminate the pregnancy. The drug mifepristone is the one I'd like to take, since the other, methltrexate (sp) has far more painful and severe side effects that would leave me locked in my bathroom for days with lots of uncomfortable um... you get the picture. Anyway, as Tuesday gets closer, I see Aaron getting a bit unnerved. He seems like he's starting to bug out on me. I just hope he holds up.
I know three people who have had abortions. While I never considered the idea of it in my range of "good ideas", it always remained the darker option. However, I thought of my sister, who has had two abortions over the past 3 years, each with a different boy. My opinion of her is pretty low, since she could afford a baby, has wonderful health insurance, and didn't ask her partner's opinion in the matter. I know two things for sure:
She has sex with a lot of people.
She doesn't use any sort of contraceptive, besides condoms IF she uses those.
When I heard about it, I was angry that she would put herself up for such a huge risk. I still don't like what she did. The abortions are one matter, but the other is that she doesn't protect herself. I went a long way to protect myself and got a pretty shotty deal. She also got very sick after her abortion, which was a vaccum abortion. She came to our house and my parents, who were concerned, took her to the hospital. She didn't tell them about the abortion, which I can understand, but she was very sick. She should have said something. If I get very sick, I will quietly pull my mother aside and tell her what is happening.
My mother's friend underwent vaccum abortion a few weeks ago. I saw her earlier in the week and she looked healthy and taken care of. She has a lot of support. I hope to flourish as she did after my abortion. However, I do not look forward to taking the medication everyday.
The third is Robyn, my friend's sister. She has had two abortions this past year, both vaccum. She did well with both and even got a free boob job out of it. (A joke, since her breasts never lost their swollen look.)
I plan on talking to Robyn, since she is closer to my age. Hopefully she will be able to give me a minds eye into the emotional aspect.
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 2:44 pm
Reserved for more journal entries.
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 4:40 pm
I have been through the beginnings of a surgical abortion, and learned that I'd have to opt for the nonsurgical kind (my cervix wouldn't dialate). I took mifepristone orally and then misoprotol vaginally. If I were to go through an abortion again, I would probably opt for nonsurgical simply because it feels more natural and the shot to the cervix intended for the surgical abortion was pretty painful.
I'm sure you've already learned all this, but the main issue with a nonsurgical abortion is that you need to be prepared for heavy bleeding for at least 2 weeks, and severe cramps the first night after taking medication (the cramps are easy to get rid of with a 400 mg dose of ibuprofin, they may perscribe painkillers as well).
If you have any questions about my experience, feel free to ask. You have my best wishes and I applaud you for your strength. heart
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 4:42 pm
Wow *speechless* surprised
oh sorry.
But I do have some questions 3nodding
How did your parents handle to news about your pregnant status and your decision to void the pregnancy?
How was your trip to planned parenthood? (any crazed protestors outside?)
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 5:34 pm
Trite~Elegy Wow *speechless* surprised
oh sorry.
But I do have some questions 3nodding
How did your parents handle to news about your pregnant status and your decision to void the pregnancy?
How was your trip to planned parenthood? (any crazed protestors outside?) I have opted not to tell my parents. They are pro-life and not very understanding. I've had a conversation with my mom in the past and she said if I were to become pregnant, she'd help me raise the baby and that she would want me to have it. Plus, we all don't get along well. My trip to planned parenthood will happen, hopefully, on Tuesday this week. I doubt there will be protestors. The general area I live in is thankfully pro-choice. However, I have never been to the PP that does the abortions. Should there be protestors, they will be dealing with the immovable object.
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 5:35 pm
Individual 171192 I have been through the beginnings of a surgical abortion, and learned that I'd have to opt for the nonsurgical kind (my cervix wouldn't dialate). I took mifepristone orally and then misoprotol vaginally. If I were to go through an abortion again, I would probably opt for nonsurgical simply because it feels more natural and the shot to the cervix intended for the surgical abortion was pretty painful. I'm sure you've already learned all this, but the main issue with a nonsurgical abortion is that you need to be prepared for heavy bleeding for at least 2 weeks, and severe cramps the first night after taking medication (the cramps are easy to get rid of with a 400 mg dose of ibuprofin, they may perscribe painkillers as well). If you have any questions about my experience, feel free to ask. You have my best wishes and I applaud you for your strength. heart A pretend period is much better than a missed one, I say. But thank you! I am glad to have found someone who has taken the medication. I'll pm you right away with my million and 1 questions.
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 5:45 pm
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us and attempting to educate those who may need an abortion in the future. 3nodding I just have a couple of questions if you don't mind: Did anyone give you a hard time because of your decision? (friends, family, protesters, etc?) If yes, how did you respond to those individuals? Once again, thank you for sharing your story with us, I'm sure this is a deeply personal and emotional time for you.
On a side note, who's ready to see an influx of anti-choicers mourning the loss of October Cross's fetus in their sigs? stare
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 5:58 pm
Luna Eclipse Thank you for sharing your experiences with us and attempting to educate those who may need an abortion in the future. 3nodding I just have a couple of questions if you don't mind: Did anyone give you a hard time because of your decision? (friends, family, protesters, etc?) If yes, how did you respond to those individuals? Once again, thank you for sharing your story with us, I'm sure this is a deeply personal and emotional time for you.
On a side note, who's ready to see an influx of anti-choicers mourning the loss of October Cross's fetus in their sigs? stare You're very welcome. I'd rather talk about it openly with a group of people who are fighting alongside me for the right to abort. I think it has made the experience much easier. I have almost all pro-choice friends. The majority of them responded with support and light humor. (Not that abortion is something to make a joke out of, but it's much easier to deal with that people getting quiet on you and saying how sorry they are for you.) I had one co-worker, who I considered a good friend give me the silent treatment when I told her. I stopped her, sat her down and explained to her that if she was pro-life, this was in no way meant to offend her. I also explained to her that I valued her opinion and what she had to say about the matter. She seemed to lighten up a little. I honestly don't want people to treat me like "Dead baby walking." or something of the sort. By the way: October is ready to see the influx of mourners. She has already prepared a rebuttal picture and when she gets her hands on a camera... she has prepared to make A LOT of people angry, should they send her hate pms.
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 8:02 pm
October Cross [I have] already prepared a rebuttal picture and when she gets her hands on a camera... she has prepared to make A LOT of people angry, should they send her hate pms. My dear, if you attempt to take a picture of either your vulva or the abortion aftereffects . . . would you PLEASE reconsider or at least have the good taste to only do it in greyscale. xp Okay, seriously, you already know my opinion, but I couldn't pass up the two cents.
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Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 8:09 pm
Veled October Cross [I have] already prepared a rebuttal picture and when she gets her hands on a camera... she has prepared to make A LOT of people angry, should they send her hate pms. My dear, if you attempt to take a picture of either your vulva or the abortion aftereffects . . . would you PLEASE reconsider or at least have the good taste to only do it in greyscale. xp Okay, seriously, you already know my opinion, but I couldn't pass up the two cents. I will definetely NOT take a picture of any of that. I get grossed out when I blow my nose. I don't think I could manage to stomach that stuff. Oh no. The picture would be perfectly appropriate. It'd just have a rather mean message on it. I don't plan on using it unless I get hate mail or see protestors coming after me with pamphlets of aborted fetii pictures.
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