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 Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 12:41 pm
A'righty... I'm in a Creative Writing course this summer and for the past two week we've been having good fun with poems. This is the first draft of one that changed a great deal after our first peer-editing session and I'd like to see if it goes in a different direction after being toyed with and poked over here 3nodding
oh, yes, that's right--it's a 'Music Poem', there's a good deal of consonance at the moment, so it's best read aloud smile
__________________
Proverbial
A stranger creature than there could ever be
becomes the crossroads’ latest acquaintance.
He beseeches in keening lamentations
the jam-packed carcasses behind the cross, to
consult with him on a course of action,
on a direction to select.
Abandoned by what isn’t present,
the absentee ballots without postage
ripped to shreds,
he carefully takes the aging sign
and turns it towards the incorrect choice.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 12:55 pm
I like it its very deep I believe that this is a very deep poem!
:3
keep writing
plez
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 12:58 pm
girly88 I like it its very deep I believe that this is a very deep poem! :3 keep writing plez
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:02 pm
I mean I really cant say anything bad about this song poem...
I like it thats all I like your perspective on this way you wrtoe in your song-poem...
neutral ? I was being nice
I really do like it...
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:03 pm
girly88 I mean I really cant say anything bad about this song poem... I like it thats all I like your perspective on this way you wrtoe in your song-poem... neutral ? I was being nice I really do like it... Sorry, I was just hoping for some more substantial feedback. I appreciate the sentiments though 3nodding
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:08 pm
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:11 pm
The_Robin Sorry, I was just hoping for some more substantial feedback. I appreciate the sentiments though 3nodding If no one has gotten to it before I get back from work, I'll take a whack at it. Have patience. wink
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:17 pm
finalrain The_Robin Sorry, I was just hoping for some more substantial feedback. I appreciate the sentiments though 3nodding If no one has gotten to it before I get back from work, I'll take a whack at it. Have patience. wink *curtsies* *is a gi rl, btw* Thank you.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:17 pm
It doesn't really have a poetic feel to it. To me, it feels more like prose, hiding under the guise of poetry. I know you're going to say, but it's free verse; however, I don't feel like you've chosen where to put your line breaks, I feel you threw them in haphazardly. I'm tempted to say the same for your syntax. Also, your diction is a little bit stumbly, most particularly in the last line of the second stanza and the second line of the first stanza. The words just don't seem to flow properly. (Maybe it's just the way I'm reading it though.)
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:21 pm
Apropos It doesn't really have a poetic feel to it. To me, it feels more like prose, hiding under the guise of poetry. I know you're going to say, but it's free verse; however, I don't feel like you've chosen where to put your line breaks, I feel you threw them in haphazardly. I'm tempted to say the same for your syntax. Also, your diction is a little bit stumbly, most particularly in the last line of the second stanza and the second line of the first stanza. The words just don't seem to flow properly. (Maybe it's just the way I'm reading it though.) You're correct on the line breaks--but only from the second to third line in the second stanza. I really had no idea what to do with that. Thanks for the diction-syntax comment though, that was somewhere my class deigned not to go so I think I'll have playing around with assonance as well, just to give it a... um... damn, I don't want to say 'flowy' but that seems to be the only way to put it... Ugh. Thanks for the commentary smile
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:26 pm
If you wouldn't mind my messing with your poem, I'd like to show you how I would have formatted your line breaks, diction and syntax aside.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:28 pm
Not at all--I'd love to see what you've got in mind 3nodding
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:34 pm
The_Robin A stranger creature than there could ever be becomes the crossroads’ latest acquaintance. He beseeches in keening lamentations the jam-packed carcasses behind the cross, to consult with him on a course of action, on a direction to select. Abandoned by what isn’t present, the absentee ballots- without postage, ripped to shreds. he carefully takes the aging sign and turns it towards the incorrect choice. That's just how I'd have formatted it. I'm not sure if it's just because I did it or not, but I think it reads/flows a little better this way. Feel free to use this formatting or drop it as you see fit.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:37 pm
I can see where the 'on a' repetition in format and syntax can be advantageous, so thanks for that. I can see quite well the direction you're coming from and it looks appealing, so I'll definitely play around with formating.
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Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 1:42 pm
The_Robin *curtsies* *is a , btw* Thank you. eh? Whats with the spacing? Is the word supposed to be girl?
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