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 Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 11:59 am
I get jokes emailed to me by an old friend of mine. If I get any jokes worthy of sharing Ill post them! Every week or so Ill remove the old ones and put new ones up, when I update Ill let yall know! smile
Feel free to post your own!****************  **************** One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning sir," he replied, still focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" he asked the minister.
The minister said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,
"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
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Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 12:00 pm
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and
whispered,
"I didn't know they had to be baptized."
***************
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines."
MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN!!
***************
A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours, and let us live in Florida."
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Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 12:22 pm
Ehehehehe, most of the jokes I know are either racist or sexist or just outright dirty. I DO know some lame ones. Which kinds of jokes do you want posted? sweatdrop
So this grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!' and the grasshopper says, 'Really? You have a drink named Steve?'
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Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 12:30 pm
architect_eyes Ehehehehe, most of the jokes I know are either racist or sexist or just outright dirty. I DO know some lame ones. Which kinds of jokes do you want posted? sweatdrop So this grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!' and the grasshopper says, 'Really? You have a drink named Steve?'
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Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 2:03 pm
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.
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Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 4:14 pm
dra2k4 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is. My step-dad joked about that many-a-times xp
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Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 10:36 am
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
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Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 1:09 pm
caitlin_neko dra2k4 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is. My step-dad joked about that many-a-times xp i laughed at that one so hard...
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Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 2:21 pm
I've got loads of computer jokes. They are pretty funny. xd
13.* Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
* Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
* Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
14.* Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
* Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
* Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
* Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
* Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
* Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
* Customer: "What?"
* Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
* Customer "No..."
15.* Customer: "I'm thinking about writing a book on the problems I'm having with S3 Video cards and Warp and..." (blah, blah, blah, etc.)
* Tech Support: "What exactly is your problem?"
* Customer: "I've downloaded the video drivers for the PS/VP's with the S3 chipset, and they won't work on my machine."
* Tech Support: "Have you got a PS/VP sir?"
* Customer: "Well...no."
16. There was a really angry user who called me, saying my company was @#$!# and its products were !@#$@, and I was @#$*! too. He said he bought our graphics card, and it didn't work, and what the @&$!# was I going to do about it before he sued my lying butt.
After this I learned from him that he didn't actually have our product.
17. Email from a customer:
I've bought a stolen CDD3610 which didn't come with any software or cables. Could you please send that to me? I presume I do have the full 12 months warranty?
18.* Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
19. I used to work in the computer help desk at a large university. A woman walked into the room and came up to where I was sitting: at a desk marked "COMPUTER HELP DESK" with computers on it, one of which I was using. "Excuse me," she asked. "Do you know anything about computers?"
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Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 3:51 pm
heheh ^_^ The skunk one was so good AE ^_^ Quote: A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?" "You'll see", he replies. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. " Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me." His daughter screams... "Don't eat it, Jimmy !...... It's a f***ing arsehole...!!!"
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Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 4:37 pm
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
***
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
***
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
***
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokke r, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
***
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
***
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
***
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
***
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
***
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
***
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
***
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
***
While taxiing at London's GatwickAirport, the crew of a USAir flight departing for Ft.Lauderdalemade a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, USAir 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
***
Your turn!!
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Posted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 2:41 am
ROTFLMAO!! Akibe...that was effing hilarious!! ~snorking and chortling me ash off~ Especially the last one "Wasn't I married to you once?" bahahahahaha!!! xd
The skunk joke is just as bad xp I would beat the man who said that to me too sweatdrop
Onward to my joke!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people who would name a 140 pound Rottweiler, Jesus."
biggrin
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Posted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 4:51 am
xd Nice jokes people! This isn't typed exactly right, but I've got one (have to type it by memory)
One day there was a bus full of ugly people. I don't know why only ugly people, but it was. Non of them had ever had anyone attracted to them in their lives. So the driver screws up or something, and crashes, and everybody riding the bus dies. Well they go up to heaven, God feels sorry for them, and says he will grant them all one wish before they go in, so they all get into a line.
After thinking for a moment, the first person wishes to be beautiful. The second person starts freaking out, thinking it's the best wish ever! So he wishes to be handsome. The line goes on like this, with people wishing to be studly, handsome, gorgeous, ect. Then God notices about half way throguh, that the guy at the end of the line is laughing his head off. He wonders what's gonig on, but ignores it. After a while ten peopel are left, and the guy at the end is rolling on the clouds laughing like there's no tomorrow. Finally it's only that last guy left. God asks him what he wishes for, and he stops laughing, slowly gets to his feet, and says....
"....Make 'em all ugly again." blaugh
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Posted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 7:19 am
caitlin_neko Finally it's only that last guy left. God asks him what he wishes for, and he stops laughing, slowly gets to his feet, and says "....Make 'em all ugly again." blaugh OMIGOSH I nearly wet myself with that one! ROTFLMAOHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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Posted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 1:25 pm
madamfluff caitlin_neko Finally it's only that last guy left. God asks him what he wishes for, and he stops laughing, slowly gets to his feet, and says "....Make 'em all ugly again." blaugh OMIGOSH I nearly wet myself with that one! ROTFLMAOHAHAHAHAHAHA! Glad you liked it, I got one about turtles too, which I'll post later
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