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A Dancer's World

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Will you read this? pleeeeze?
  Of course
  heck no
  only because you beg....
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Acorna.hl

PostPosted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 4:48 pm


A Dancer’s World

A tiny beat
Within my soul
A tiny drum
A bell at toll

A faint pulse
Puts me in a trance
It fills my body
And I begin to dance

As the world fades away
I feel the energy flow
And I slip into a world
Where only I can go

I live in a world
In which nothing is real
Only the sensation of music
And the pulse that I feel

Just as the sensation came
The feeling quickly goes
I find myself on the bright cold stage
As the music draws to a close

And the only thing I have left
Of this magical world of mine
Is a tiny pulse within my chest
That keeps perfect time

~~~
Please send your thoughts!

~Acorna~ ninja  
PostPosted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 9:23 pm


This isn't free verse, this is prose cut up and put into short lines minus the punctuation. Free verse also doesn't mean you should eschew rhythm. Go back and do it over again.

The body imagery- you mention a body and a chest- hints at an eroticism I'm sure the poetry doesn't mean, as the tininess of the pulse and the drum says "perfect and little". It's contradictory, and neither wins because neither is supported by external factors, and it makes me feel *itchy*.

Finally, what does this poem mean? It's a dancer dancing to her own pulse. No hidden meanings, no greater perspective on the world, no punch line, no nothing.

Please don't start writing anything without any thoughts on what the greater meaning of the work is. Pretty words does not a poem make. The longer the poem, the more meaning it had better pack. You need at least ten little things and maybe five big things in something with this much text. You have what, two things that don't quite work together?

Maybe you'd better start writing it in prose. If it sounds interesting in prose, you can start a poem on it... maybe.

godzilladoxy

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the_weird_1

PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 12:42 am


I'm not qualified like godzilladoxy to pin point it - but I did feel that some lines were a bit odd - but Don't let us discourage you. I did love the poem!
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The Cranky Writers' Guild

 
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