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 Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2004 5:22 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2004 10:14 am
Well, since nobody's posted anything for you. I will. But I'm not very nice. Just to warn you. Um. I'm not really sure where to start. Oh, and the cussing isn't bad. And if you don't think it's good or you don't like it than why are you posting it? But anyway. The first paragraph lacks a lot of clarity. You get the impression that she's on a list, but why? And on most reserved lists, you know what book you are getting so why was she surprised to be getting that book? And you can't go from talking about a book to thinking about how crappy life is and how you are a prostitute. It doesn't work. Unless she was in a book club for prostitutes and even that would be a stretch. It was like you went off on a tangent for no reason. I don't like it. I realize background is important and you want to tell the reader who the character is, but I would find a different way to do it. Your first sentence of chapter two comes out of nowhere. It doesn't really make sense. Scratch it or do soemthing to fix it. Okay, and I am going to start another post because I have a serious issue that I need to address...
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Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2004 10:19 am
YOU CANNOT CALL YOURSELF A WRITER IF YOU TAKE CHARACTERS FROM OTHER PLACES. This is my pet peeve. Do not write stuff if you are using other people's characters. If you can write you can come up with your own stuff. Don't take other writers ideas and thoughts and charcters that they made up. I don't care that I have no idea who you are talking about. You can't do that. I don't care if you plagerize something for a history report, BUT DO NOT WRITE STUFF IF YOU CAN'T COME UP WITH YOUR OWN CHARACTERS, PLOT, IDEAS, ETC... Okay. I am calming down now. breathing... calming down... sorry about that. But I hate people who do that. So you get the brunt of my anger. You are the first person I have come across who has done this. You may say that it doesn't matter, but it does. If you call yourself a writer you are lying to yourself becasue no true writer steals from another. There may be similarities in some writings that are purely coincidental, but YOU DON'T STEAL FROM OTHER WRITERS. Okay, sorry, I said I was done. I am going to end this post and go back to critiquing your story.
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Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2004 10:28 am
I like how you gave the mage a distinct dialect, but the stutter isn't right. I have written a stutter before and it's hard to do. You basically have to pick a couple of letters and make the characters stutter on those letters only. People who stutter dont' stutter randomly, there are certain things that catch them every time. You are good at dialogue. It flowed naturally and didn't seem forced in the least, very nice. The last thing I would say would be to next explain why she hugged him. Yeah, so I am sorry. I have been kind of mean. But I did warn you. And since nobody else has posted ah well. You posted because you want feedback so there it is. But I did like it. It would be cool to see what happens next. Have a nice day.
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