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Renaissance


Vintage Gaian

PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 6:31 am


I don't have an editor so don't bug me about spelling, grammar, or discrepancies. If someone wants to be my editor they can e-mail me through my profile. Please not the episode marks are just for fun so please enjoy. I your lucky you read this on fanfiction.net yeah that was totally me xp

A NEW TERROR

Episode 1 A Beginning

Time and space travel, a thought that never even occurred to Jamie, was now part of the world in which he lived. The experience had wizened the young Scot and opened his eyes to new possibilities and wonders beyond all imagination. James Robert McCrimmon was a young Jacobite from the year 1746, and such things we take for granted today filled him with a yearning for knowledge and a boundless sense of curiosity. He was not alone in this new world of which he now found himself in, as he was suddenly reminded by a massive jolt from the TARDIS floor and a short little man came toppling on top of him.

"Oh Dear, oh dear that wasn't supposed to happen, wasn't very nice at all was it Jamie, no no that wasn't nice at all. I really must fix that now let me see ..." The Doctor continued murmuring to himself in a soft low voice, not really expecting a response on Jamie's part. Who now stood their arms crossed studiously watching him seemingly flick random switches on a large console that occupied the center of the room.

They both looked very out of place in the sterile white console room, which was sparsely decorated with a huge grandfather clock, a hat stand, and a well-furnished antique chair. The little color in the room came from the console it's self, with many flashing lights, and a center column that pulsated with steady rhythmic movement. The Doctor on the other hand was the complete opposite. His dark hair seemed to have a natural aversion to sitting neatly on his head, instead if flopped every which way as if it had just landed there. A long black frock coat hung loosely on him, and looked as if it could swallow him whole. From the bottom emitted rather loud check trousers, that bunched around his ankles, for lack of being hemmed for a man of his stature. Jamie now wore a black long sleeve shirt, with strings that tied around each wrist and at the neckline. He also adorned his family kilt of fine bright reds mingling with deeper, darker colors. Around his waste was a brown leather belt, which held a small dirk that swung loosely at his side. Long legs shown from beneath the kilt and landed in his boots.

A flicker on the monitor screen caught in Jamie's peripheral vision. He turned to look, and now found himself gazing into the depths of a jungle like forest that now surrounded them. "Doctor ware are we?" he asked without turning his gaze from the screen.

"I don't know Jamie," he replied the rough but rather soft voice of the Doctor. "It could be Dorilin." He added happily.

"So you've been here before than?" queried Jamie.

"Maybe, maybe than again maybe not as I said."

"Well what's Dorilin like, are the people here friendly and all?" he pressed.

"Oh yes yes if I remember quite rightly the people here are very friendly indeed," He took a deep cleansing breath. "Yes, quite nice." He added smiling happily to himself.

"Well that's all well and good but are ye sure that's ware we are, ya could be wrong ya know!"

"Wrong, wrong!" The Doctor looked offended than almost instantaneously his demeanor changed. "Do you fancy going for a walk?"

Jamie knew it was a rhetorical question, for the Doctor's small hands had already found the control to open the main doors. This act did not altogether surprise Jamie for he had long ago come to the opinion that the Doctor was an erratic wizard of sorts, and wizards are allowed to be a little eccentric. He had never met one himself but it as considered common knowledge to never interfere with the whims of a wizard. If you want to stay alive, and in the form you were born in. Almost at the same time the main doors came to a stop another smaller door on the opposite side of the control room opened.

This door led to the cavernous inner chambers of the TARDIS. A person wondering through them could almost believe that the walls were continuously changing, to make new paths that weren't there a second ago and block off old ones. The vastness of the TARDIS herself was something probably the Doctor didn't even know. Now from within the depths of the TARDIS two figures emerged. The first was a young cockney sailor, not much older than Jamie. He was wearing a freshly washed navel uniform. Shortly cropped sandy-blond hair neatly combed on top of his lanky figure, and piercing blue eyes that gave him an air of both innocence and authority. The second was a small blond young lady who happily showed off her figure in a T-shirt, a short mini-skirt, and knee high boots.

"Ware are we Doc.?" asked the sailor.

"Ahh, Ben, Polly there you are, now come along." The Doctor waved his whole arm at them, and beckoned the three unlikely travelers out the still open Doors.

Episode 2 You Go This Way I'll Go That Way

Outside the TARDIS the four time travelers found themselves surrounded by trees and various types of fauna. "Would ya look at that!" commented Ben wonderstruck by the beauty and simple aroma of this world.

"Yes it is very beautiful isn't it." The Doctor took a deep cleansing breath of the sweet oxygen rich air. Then proceeded to smile thoughtfully at a little spot infront of him, and drift off into his own thoughts.

Polly wondered around the little circle opining in the forest, in which they now found themselves, when suddenly something sparkled to her left and off a waze in the distance. "I wonder what's over there." Polly said excitedly, moving away from the little grope to get a better look through the dense forest.

"Oi duchess don't go wondering off." Called Ben. Polly took no notice, if his warning even registered. For she was to intent on finding out the scorce of this light for her to listen to the complaints of silly men about how women shouldn't go off on their own.

"Don't worry Ben it's quite safe here, and she's a resourceful young woman, she'll be fine." Soothed the Doctor. "Besides I'd like to do a bit of exploring myself."

"Och well that's all fine and dandy but dunna ya think someone otta go after her ya know just encase?" Jamie knew that splitting up always invited danger, and if there was going to be some he'd rather she didn't face it alone. Women are no good in tough situations. In the back of his mind he thought she'll likely fall down and break a leg the first chance she got.

"Ah, yes, well perhaps your right Jamie, you can go along if you'd like. Ben and I will remain in the immediate vicinity and wait for you to return. Won't we Ben? Of course we will now go on or you'll loose her." The Doctor pressed his lips and smiled at the amount of concern shown for each other as Jamie disappeared into the trees. "Now what have we got here, I wonder?" muttered the Doctor returning his attention to another patch of flowers nearby.

Before Polly could find the scorce of the light she was sidetracked by something rather small on the ground just ahead of her. Bending down she picked up the item, but suddenly became aware of the sound of something coming up behind her. Jumping to her feet she swung quickly around to face her assailant. "Jamie, you startled me!" complained Polly.

"Sorry" a confused, concerned look passed over Jamie's features. He had not expected getting yelled at.

"That's OK Jamie look at this." She held up the small object she had discovered in her palm for Jamie to see.

"It's a wee broach." Stated Jamie confidently, pointing at the object in her hand.

"I can see it's a broach Jamie but who does it belong to? Have you seen any people or any other signs of life?"

"Well, ah, look here," Jamie rather unceremoniously picked up what appeared to be a very old rusty pitcher that was partially hidden in a mound of dark brown moss. "There were people here once or this thing woudnna be here."

"Mmm, it's very old isn't it Jamie?" Polly said while scrutinizing the pitcher in Jamie's hand.

"Yeah, but the Doctor did say there where people here, perhaps we just haven't seen them?" He pointed out.

"That is if we really are ware he thinks we are." Retorted Polly.

"True enough, I've only been with ye a short while but it's my opinion he donna know how to operate that thing anyway." Jamie didn't know if that was true or not but it seemed a safe enough bet to him. The Doctor never seemed to get ware he wanted to, and would often only vaguely describe their destination so he had less of a chance of being proven wrong.

"No, but he tries Jamie, and I believe he likes it the way it is." For a moment she found herself thinking of the old white haired man she had met so long ago, back in London. He had pretended to be angry at Ben and Her for barging into the TARDIS when in reality he couldn't be more delighted, than even the finest words could express, secure in the knowledge that he would not be alone in his travels after Dodo had opted to part company. If the Doctor knew ware he was going or whom he was going to meet he would probably find his long life very boring.

"I woudnna run a ship like that." Grumbled Jamie. Not that traveling with the Doctor wasn't a most enjoyable experience he just liked to know that once and a while he could have his feet planted firmly on the ground, and know that it was safe.

"They've been gone a long time, shouldn't we go after them?"

No response..

"Doc?" Ben repeated a little perplexed.

"What, of course I am, I'm sorry what where you saying?"

"I was saying that Polly and Jamie have been gone for a while now and we should go get them." The Doctor bent over and picked something off the ground before answering. "No, no I'm sure they are just fine after all we told Jamie we'd be here when they got back, must keep our word you know Ben." With that the Doctor promptly returned his attention to a small object he found on the ground. "Old, yes very old." Suddenly the Doctors' look of curiosity turned to one of concern. "Hmm perhaps your right though Ben they have been gone a long time and this.." He began to hold up the small object in his hand, but at that moment a terrifying scream could be heard in the distance.

"That was Polly's scream!" Yelled Ben as he and the Doctor raced off in the direction that Jamie and Polly had headed off in.

"Polly..., Jamie!"

"Oi duchess!" Cried Ben holding his hands up to his mouth. "Jamie.. duchess ware are you?" Suddenly he came slamming into the Doctors outstretched arm.

"Ben stop! this is Polly's isn't it?" The Doctor now held out a short lacey scarf.

"Yes it's hers she was wearing it when we left the TARDIS, but I don't see her. Duchess.. Polly!" He hollered out into the empty vastness of the forest.

"It's no good she's not here, at least Jamie's with her." The Doctor suddenly didn't know whether to be glad he had allowed Jamie to go off after her, or if he had just unwittingly sent them both off to a worse fate than he liked entertaining. Ben however was straight forward and practical as ever. "Yes well that might be all good and well but for all we know they might both be dead and we've got no way of knowing."

"Yes, yes.." The Doctor closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but when he opened them again it wasn't Ben that greeted his eyes. They were surrounded.

Episode 3 The Meeting
PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 6:32 am


A small group of guards, probably a hunting party of somesort, now aimed blaster weapons at the two travelers. Their captors were human in form but the Doctor couldn't be sure that they were human at all. Their tall lanky figures shrouded by black authoritave looking uniforms, and large dark helmets.

"Ah, hullo." Offered the Doctor.

"Put your hands up!" The guard closest to Ben Barked.

"Oh, yes well OK." The Doctor raised his hands far above his head. "Like this?" He asked innocently.

"You to!" The guard snapped at Ben, completely ignoring the Doctor last comment. Ben did obediently as he was told, and raised his hands halfway in the air. "All right you two this way," he jestured with his gun to the right. "Move it."

"It's.. it's not very nice of you to treat us this way you know!" stutterd the Doctor.

To this Kalron also had no answer for the Doctor instead he wondered how these two came to be in the restricted area. They looked harmless enough, but he figured he had better take them to the city for questioning, and for their own safety.

Polly's throat was sore from screaming. She had sat seemingly alone in almost total darkness for what felt like hours. Jamie's unconscious body was laid out on the floor beside her. He had taken a hard knock on the head, and had been out cold since their capture. Recently she had stopped fussing over the prone figure of her friend, allowing herself to realize that it would not help him to regain conciseness any faster. In her hands she fidgeted with a small piece of fabric she had torn from one of her captors, or at least she thought it was fabric. However, she could not be sure it was unlike any fabric she had ever seen, it might even be a scale. Polly had been jumped from behind and as she filled with terror she had found it difficult to focus on their other assailants.

"What.. wha.." Jamie started to stir while moving his arms slowly up. Then with a start he forcefully sat up, only to let out a loud cry of pain. "Och my head!!"

"It's all right Jamie." Polly softly assured him, and helped the young Scot to lie back down.

"What happened? Ware are we? (ooh..) It feels like a mountain fell on me!" Jamie asked while rubbing a sore spot on the back of his neck.

"We were attacked." Polly said bluntly.

"Oh aye I remember that gorilla sure gave a wallop." He cringed. "Well what about the other one do ye know ware we are?"

"No, I don't but I hope Ben and the Doctor are O.K."

"Ya dunna think they might have been set upon as well?" Jamie's heart raced at the thought of what his friends might be going through.


Renaissance


Vintage Gaian



Renaissance


Vintage Gaian

PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 6:33 am


"I'm sorry Doctor it was not my intention to have you brought here by force."

"Yes well no matter what your intentions were you've prevented us from finding our friends, who still may be out there somewhere!" Complained the Doctor.

"And I appreciate that." Came the soft well-rehearsed tenor of a politician. "I have sent a party to look for them, but the fact is those woods must be cleared. Our festival starts at daybreak."

"A festival. Umm umm excuse me Jalrock but what exactly does this festival of yours entail. There's no danger is there, no reason why Jamie and Polly might get hurt is there?" The Doctor asked a little anxiously. If his friends weren't already in trouble what would happen when this festival took place. Horrible images came unbidden to his over imaginative mind.

"It is the festival of the Kal'ri it takes place once a year in a predetermined location that varies each year to give our hunters and hunted a challenge."
"Hunted?!?" chimed in Ben.

"Yes the area is cleared of all inhabitants that might live there, then in the morning on the 19th day of Zaton we release several animals into the restricted zone."

"But these animals are harmless?" interrupted the Doctor.

"Most are but some are extremely dangerous."

"Then what happens?"

"Then several of our best hunters go out and kill the beasts. The hunters are specifically dressed so they can recognize one another any thing . . or any one unidentified they shoot at. I must admit the hunt this year should be quit good, not only do we have some animals that have not appeared in the Kal'ri for many years, it is to be held in the Antuan woods. You have seen it of course that is ware you were found, no one has lived there for sixty years, and the festival has not taken place there for fifty."

"That's why everything there was so old." Said the Doctor thoughtfully.

"So what if everything's old." Grumbled Ben. "Listen are you sure you're men can find our friends?"

"Have no fear young sir they will find them." A large door at the end of the little room slid open with a slight whoosh, and a new figure stepped into the room. "Ah, Jareth, what have you discovered?"

"We have found no more strangers all we could find is a large blue box. Our men have been unable to move it, but it should not pose a problem." As Jareth gave his report he fumbled with a small object in his hands.

"Yes that blue box belongs to me just try not to ruin the finish will you there a good lad." The Doctor pronounced happily while he tried to avoid the fact they had not located Jamie and Polly. Suddenly he noticed the object the guard was fingering. "Excuse me Jareth did you say? may I see that a moment please?" He pointed to the object.

"Of course but I don't see how this old thing would do you any good." Jareth obediently passed a small broach to the Doctor.

"Old no, caked in mud and dirt yes, but not old look." He picked off the grime with his fingers until a shiny silver broach sat in his hand. "This is new! I thought you said everything in those woods were at least fifty years old? That is unless of course you men have pins like this?" he asked turning back to the guard.

"No, we do not use such items, as you saw when Captain Kalron brought you in." replied Jareth.

"And you found this in the woods?"

"Yes."

"But what does this have to do with finding you're friends?" asked Jalrock. "Is it one of theirs?"

"He's right Doc what does this have to do with anything, it's not Polly's?" Joined Ben.

"I'm not sure but I would like to find out why it was there?"

"Why?"

"Because it's a mystery! honestly ware is your sense of wonder Ben?" He was beginning to wonder about Ben's lack of interest, but that was something he could solve later. For now he was certain there was something extremely wrong going on here and he'd made up his mind to find out what it was. "Jareth ware exactly did you find this?"

"No more than five minutes from the great falls. I wouldn't have noticed it myself if it wasn't sitting in a patch of dead grass." As if suddenly realizing a lecture wasn't what the Doctor wanted he said. "I can take you there if you wish."

"That would be nice thank you."

"I'll come with you Doc." Said Ben.

"No I want you to stay here."

"Why?"

"Because it's safer here, and besides if Jamie and Polly are in danger I'd feel much better knowing you were safe."

"But that's why I should go with you!" Ben protested.

Pulling Ben off to the side so they could have some privacy "Ben" the Doctor moved closer so he could easily whisper in the young sailors' ear. "Ben, there is something very odd going on around here there has to be. I get the feeling there is something they're not telling us, and I'd like you to find out what it is."

"It's just your imagination." Ben whispered back.

"Perhaps, maybe I hope your right Ben." Said the doctor unhappily. He then stepped back again, and suddenly became very loud. "That's it all settled you will stay here and keep Jalrock company won't you. Now Jareth lets be on our way shall we."
PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 6:34 am


Just as they were making there way out of the city, two guards joined the doctor and Jareth, and politely engaged the Doctor in some light conversation. Both of the new arrivals were overly eager to great the outworlder, and discover all that they could about the world around them. Visitors from other planets were almost unheard of. Jareth recognized the two guards and knew the Doctor would be begging for a rescue from them in no time at all. However, for the moment there constant prattle would be good cover, and so with the Doctor patiently answering there many rapidly fired questions none of them noticed as Jareth silently slipped from the small group.

With a cold crisp grace, of a well-practiced step he slowly started working his way to a poorly lit ally, where he was unsurprized to be hailed by a snakelike accusing hiss of a voice. "You said there where only two strangers."

"You have found the other two then have you." It was a statement, and posed no room for debate. "It seems you have done something right for a change then. What have you done with them?" Came the sharp curt reply.

"They are deep within the tunnels, have no fear they will not escape. Not without our friends getting to them first." Replied a long dark shadow that had taken up residence within a nearby doorframe, like a cat waiting to pounce on unwary pry. There was a deep malice in his voice, and seemed to hold a deep foreboding laugh as an undercurrent when he spoke. "What about these two?"

"The little one calls himself the Doctor, he was very interested in my little token, and wishes to seek it's origin. Don't worry he'll find out soon enough and then, he'll die. Pity though somehow I do think he'd want to have time to write his own epitaph I don't think he'll much approve of mine." Jareth finished brightly.

"And what is to become of the other?" The voice hissed.

"Oh don't worry I have plans for him as long as you keep his friends locked up we need fear no one." Jareth turned as if to go but came to a sudden halt, and turned one again towards the shadow. "Wait perhaps you had better dispose of them as well, but there is no need to hurry. We must and complete all there is to accomplish before tomorrow." With that said Jareth slid through the streets and, unnoticed, rejoined the Doctor and his overly eager companions. Who where still chattering away eagerly, and a very pleased looking Doctor happily being the center of attention.


Renaissance


Vintage Gaian



Renaissance


Vintage Gaian

PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 6:35 am


"Jamie, Jamie wake up." Encouraged Polly.

Slowly Jamie regained some semblance of consciousness, and swatted her away. "Oct it's too early." He grumbled, his voice slightly muffled where his head was still curled up in his other arm.

"And how would you know it's pitch black in here?" She retorted becoming frustrated by Jamie's apparent ability to sleep anywhere, anytime, and in any situation. Which when she thought about it really shouldn't surprise he any more, Jamie had been with the T.A.R.D.I.S. crew long enough now for her to know several of Jamie's annoying quirks. Like giving no thought at all when he stole food from the others plates, as if expecting that he was always welcome to it, which he most certainly was not! Some others consisted of loud sperattic snoring, fighting unseen foe's in the corridor with his dirk while screaming like a banshee, trying to fix things that where clearly centuries above his head, and the most aggravating one. The one that made her both happy and seriously angry at the same time was Jamie's apparent ability to be on whichever side the Doctor was on in an argument, a joke, or jut general banter. Polly had found it extremely hard to connect with this new energetic Doctor as well as she did the old him. She knew it was silly because he was the same person, but now they reacted differently to each other. Jamie was able to slip right in, she new it wasn't his fault, but their personalities were more compatible this time around. She had forgotten she was waiting for an answer from that very person when a defensive voice startled her out of her thoughts.

"A Scot knows, and I know it's time ta' sleep." Making a large the end of conversation noise he started curling himself up onto a tighter ball to prove his point.

Polly however took no notice in the almost total darkness, and was becoming even angrier. She was just about to start yelling at him about proper sleeping habit's when suddenly a new thought slowly crept into her mind causing her to loose all of her composure, as her anger suddenly gave way to fear. "Aren't you at all worried we have been here for hours and we haven't seen a single soul?"

"Maybe there invisible." Came the muffled reply.

"JAMIE!!" She scolded. She hadn't thought of that idea and hadn't liked it one bit, but then why were there attackers visible?

"Alright, alright the I donna' know what your on about there all probably ASLEEP so le' me get back to it, too." Jamie just couldn't understand her concern.

"Oh come on Jamie, what if they have forgotten about us, what if they decided to just leave us here?" Polly was suddenly very glad she had eaten a big meal before leaving the T.A.R.D.I.S.. However, she knew that Jamie hadn't but knowing him he would be hungry anyway and probably wouldn't admit to any physical discomfort, until that is, when he was face to face with a plate full of food.

"Well I wounna' worry about that now lassie the Doctor and Ben aren'ta here with us so that means they're out there somewhere, probably looking for us right now." Argued Jamie while lifting himself on to one arm fineally giving in to the fact he wasn't going to get back to sleep anytime soon.

"I suppose," Ventured Polly, "But must you be so calm about it."

"Lassie I've been locked up many a times before and hiding in wee caves...," Giving out an exasperated sigh Jamie resigned himself to the inevitable. "Alright I'll see if I canta' find a way outta' this wee box." Jamie hoisted himself to his feet and proceeded to scan the walls with his fingers for any sign of an opining.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"This is the place sir." Mogron said holding up a lamp above a small patch of the ground. The small group now found themselves in an enclosed woodland area. But it had grown so dark they could barley see anything that was not directly in the torches path.

"Yes hmm... it got dark rather fast didn't it?" Mused the Doctor.

"Fast sir? The sun rises and sets at the same speed?" Queried Jareth.

"I know, I know it is just that it is much faster then on most planets." The Doctor was now very wide eyed and innocent in his demeanor, as if he were nothing more than a mere child asking a silly question and getting a silly answer in response, but not realizing it. "Why didn't you say it was so close to dark?"

"The lights will be up again soon." At that moment large unseen lamps lit up simultaneously around the closed off section of the woodland. "They are right on time I see."

"Lamps do you, do you use them all the time?"

"No, we only use them setting up for the festival."

"No, no I didn't think so." Smiled the Doctor. "Ah.. you know I think it's rather nice, if a bit sterile. Now Mogron ware did you say the two of you found that?" He said pointing one again at Mogrons hand.

"Over here by this Karimon bush." He pointed out a small red prickly looking bush near the base of a tree. This plant was anything but sterile it seemed to be crawling all over the place like a gigantic weed suffocating every thing around it, but that did not take away from the natural beauty and grace of the thing. The was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary about it, or the area around it at all that might give them any clues.

"I am afraid Doctor I didn't see anything here that will help you recover your friends."

"Oh dear I was rather hoping we'd find something but I am afraid I am forced to agree with you." He replied glumly. Not wanting to think of the possible implications of this, totally cleared his mind of all thought, it was then he heard it. With a forceful snap he turned and started sprinting towards the sound. "What's over here?" issued forth as the doctor stopped to listen for the something in the distance. Trying to get his bearings. The others quickly caught up with him and noticed he was listing to something.

"That is the sound of the falls Doctor." Mogron, finally realizing what the Doctor must have heard pointed to a large stream of water flying off the edge of a cliff like ridge. That was just visible through the dense forest.

"No not that area a..a sort of echoey sound aha here we are." With the Doctor leading the way, the little party now stood at the mouth of a small cave. "You still have that torch Mogron? Pass it over will you?" Mogron obeyed dutifully passing the Doctor his light.

"Your not going in there are you?" Jareth started with a shock.

"Well yes I am actually" The Doctor lit the white light lamp, and started moving through the mouth of the cave just as....


Episode 5: Death
PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 11:33 am


Don't stop now! I was only not leaving comments so as not to disrupt the story. But it's very good and getting better by the minute.

Also if you do want an editor I don't mind doing any spellchecks/punctuation. But only if you want one.

Roobarb
Crew



Renaissance


Vintage Gaian

PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 11:57 am


Roobarb
Don't stop now! I was only not leaving comments so as not to disrupt the story. But it's very good and getting better by the minute.

Also if you do want an editor I don't mind doing any spellchecks/punctuation. But only if you want one.

The reason I stopped this fic was lack of comments. Keep in mind I wrote this thank ooo 5 years ago and no longer have the written plan of the rest of the story so it would take a bit of convincing to finish.
PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2006 11:52 pm


Well, it took a while to get through all those chapters. It's quite literate, and I think you have a good handle on the dialogue (admittedly I'm not too familiar with Ben and Polly). The charm of the 2nd Doctor really shines though. I would be interested in seeing how the story develops, though I think the pace needs to pick up a little. While the current pace would work for a novel, it's a bit slow for short fiction. Unless, of course, you actually were planning to write a novel-length story.

I know you don't have a spellchecker, but for future reference, you're using "ware" when you actually mean "where".

Hairy Priest
Vice Captain



Renaissance


Vintage Gaian

PostPosted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 9:02 am


Hairy Priest
Well, it took a while to get through all those chapters. It's quite literate, and I think you have a good handle on the dialogue (admittedly I'm not too familiar with Ben and Polly). The charm of the 2nd Doctor really shines though. I would be interested in seeing how the story develops, though I think the pace needs to pick up a little. While the current pace would work for a novel, it's a bit slow for short fiction. Unless, of course, you actually were planning to write a novel-length story.

I know you don't have a spellchecker, but for future reference, you're using "ware" when you actually mean "where".
oh for christ's sake this is not the way to get me to finish this stoy the first thing I said was grammer spelling and other s**t and you couldn't even do that.
PostPosted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 11:27 am


Renaissance
oh for christ's sake this is not the way to get me to finish this stoy the first thing I said was grammer spelling and other s**t and you couldn't even do that.

The grammar and spelling are actually quite good, with only a few minor mistakes, which is why the continual use of "ware" sort of stuck out.

Anyway, I mentioned what I think the strengths of the story are (good dialog and characterization), and where I felt it could use some improvement (pacing). I'm sorry if you are upset by my feedback, but I'm only trying to give you an honest appraisal of how things are going. Others reading the story may completely disagree with my opinions. Ultimately, though, you should be writing the story that you want to tell, and in the way that you are happiest with; the opinions of others should really be secondary to that.

Hairy Priest
Vice Captain


Cosmic_Hobo

PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2006 2:10 pm


I would really like to read more of this story.
Reply
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