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I've got hundreds of fave quotes, but one of my ultimate faves is

Ace: "You can't judge a book by its cover!"
Lister: "And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine..."

LOL!!! Is it just me, or is Rimmer nearly always the butt of every joke? Bless him...

Good idea! I was thinking of doing this... but you know, I created that thread in Keldan's guild (Quote THIS!) and didn't wanna steal ideas... wait.. I'd be... stealing mine! xp

Ah well. Hehe. Lessee here... they're all so good!

Here are a couple that I particularly love:

*My mind is so numb and brain-dead, I feel like I've just attended a 3 day seminar entitled 'The Future of Plumbing'. Have you any idea how irritating you have just been? You're a master, there are things you could teach to tropical skin diseases.

*Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes, I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't.

*Now kindly cluck off, before I extract your gibblets, and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kiss with.

*I'm dead, I'm composed entirely of light and I'm alone in space with a man who'd loose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana.

*We'd better get a job. But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom? -Rimmer

*Hello, hello, testing, testing, one, one, one, me me me. Attention all lady cats! I am feeling very, very sexy! Can you hear me, lady cats?! My body is available.

*'Cat do this!' 'Cat do that!' What am I? A dog? -Cat

*You're a toad, Rimmer. You're a weasel. You're a slimy, river-dwelling rodent with the morals of a praying mantis.

*You're really mean with money. You're a tremendous physical coward. You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritans switchboard and four people commited suicide. Your middle name is Judas but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. you sign all your official letters "Arnold Rimmer BSc" and the BSc stands for "Bronze Swimming Certificate". You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse. -Lister

*Causality? Well, OK, you know, one event causes another, OK, but sometimes, you just gotta say, the laws of time and space? Who gives a smeg!' -Kryten

Okay, I'd better stop! I could do this all day.

whee

Lister: Smeg! I forgot to ask him where the nearest curry house is!

wink Only Lister would care about his stomach just after JFK makes a noble sacrifice and shoots himself from behind the grassy knoll... and may I add, only Grant/Naylor could come up with a storyline like that! xd

hmm gd quote but if you want a quote from a later series i wud choose
you do know what canariess stands for? convicts army nearly all retarded imbread evil sheep shaggers!

Holly: "Look, we're travelling faster than the speed of light. That means by the time we've seen something, we've already passed through it. Even with an I.Q. of 6000, it's still brown trousers time."

((Looks to the side))

"Gawd bennet, that was a close one!"

domokun *spams!*

Talkie Toaster: Given that God is infinite, and the universe is also infinite ... would you like a toasted tea-cake?

Lister: Okay, just suppose I did have a cat - just suppose. What would you do with Frankenstein?
Captain Holister: I'd have it sent up to the lab and cut up and tests run on it.
Lister: Would you put it back together again when you've finished?
Captain Holister: Lister, the cat would be dead.
Lister: Well, with respect sir, what's in it for the cat?

Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrow-bone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why's that?
Holly: No bugger'll drink it.

Rimmer: You'll be fine, we'll invent some sort of cover story ...
Kryten: Like what?
Rimmer: I dunno. Say you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out.

Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
Kryten: But sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer.
Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!

Lister: So, how many survived?
Rimmer: Well, we haven't had time to make a full official estimate, but at a rough guess - and obviously this is subject to alteration pending information updates ... roundabout none of them.

Holly: It takes time, this! One slight error in any of my thirteen billion calculations and we'll be blasted to smithereens! Here we go, then ... 10, 9, 8, 6, 5 -
Rimmer: You missed out the seven.
Holly: Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens.
Rimmer: We're going to dieee ...

Rimmer: And you, Kryten, are a "khichghagkghadjh" or, smart-alecky metal git.

Rimmer: If you had two people coming for a job, and one of them was dead, which one would you pick?

whee

Mine has to be the sheer withering brilliance of the mighty Krytie's finest hour...episode 2...series 6..."Legion"...

Rimmer: Step up to red alert.
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It DOES mean changing the bulb.

Its...just...BRILLIANT!!! xd xd xd xd xd

YES!!! xd Classic quote... biggrin

Lister: (After eating the dog food) Now I know why dogs lick their testicles...

Rimmer - "It's a smegging garbage pod!" (obviously, lol)

Holly - "Everybody's dead, Dave"

Holly - "Emergency, emergency, there's an emergency going on...it's still going on"

Holly - *while the starbug is up the butt of a large rat* I hope the police don't catch us...They don't like you driving when you're rat-arsed

Kryten - Who would allow this man, this joke of a man, this man who could not outwit a used tea bag, to be in a position where he might endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime; it is also his punishment. The defence rests.

Kryten - My goodness. I do believe I'm drunk. I suddenly feel the need... to strut my funky stuff.

Rimmer - What jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?

I never really liked the later version of Kochanski. She could NEVER replace Rimmer; all she did was moan!!! "I need a bath, I hate showers, I want to re-establish that link-way, the most popular past-time is watching my knickers spin dry..." SHUT UP WOMAN!!! At least when Rimmer moaned it was FUNNY... the original version of Kochanski was good though.

Rimmer/Kochanski: It's Kochanski's body, Kochanski's voice, what more do you want?!

Lister: And it's YOU in there!!!

Going back to quotes and finishing my rant of hatred against Kochanski... sweatdrop

Rimmer: You goit!!! YOU goit! I'm surrounded by goits!!! HOLLY, you're a goit!!!

Holly: I'm a WHAT?!

and...

Lister: Smeg! He's smeggin gone and smeggin killed me!

and...

Lister: And what do we call him?

Kryten: A smeeeeeeeeeg....

Lister: *holds up 2 cards saying SMEG HEAD*

Kryten: He's a smeeeeeeeegheeeeeeeeeeeeed!!!

blaugh

I'm just watching Red Dwarf just now...

Kryten: Are you alright sir?!

Lister: I've just been molested by Tutankhamen's horny grandma! Of course I'm not alright!!!

xd Love it...

Unfortunatly for you people, I'm a fan of the longer and more drawn-out quotes. xp

RIMMER: "Just thinking.

Assuming of course we're not dealing with five-dimensional objects in a basic Euclidean geometric universe and given the essential premise that all geo-mathematics is based on the hideously limiting notion that one plus one equals two, and not as Astemeyer correctly postulates that one and two are in fact the same thing observed from different precepts...

(Loudly breathes out through his nose.)

The theoretical shape described by Siddus must therefore be...a poly-dri-doc-deca-wee-hedron-a-hexa-sexa-hedro-adicon-a-di-bi-dolly-he-deca-dodron.

(Loudly breathes out through his nose again.)

Everything else is popycock. Isn't that so?"

And a few more...

LISTER: "Makes you think, doesn't it? Mankind's history has been one long search for justice. That's what all religions are about: they accept life as being basically unfair but promise everyone will get their just deserts later: heaven, hell, karma, reincarnation, whatever. Those guys who built the penal colony tried to give some order to the universe by creating the Justice Field. But when you're living in an enviroment where justice does exist, there's no free will. That's why in our universe there can never be true, eternal justice -- good things will happen to bad people, and bad things will happen to good people. It's the way it's got to be. Life, by it's very nature, has to be cruel, unkind and un-FAIIIIIIIR!"

*Falls down a manhole.*

CAT: Thank god for that.

MANAGER (Backwards): Tog s'eh efil das, roop a tahw!! Gniyas M'i taht hsibbur eht tuo krow yllautca dna, dnuor ti nurt, gnidrocer siht fo dloh teg ot derehtob s'ohw yrtnuoc eht ni tarp eno eht gnisserdda M'i. Uoy gnisserdda yllautca ton M'i tub. Uoy ta gnitniop M'i. Uoy ta gnitniop t'nia I. Uoy t'nera, tig dlab, dedaeh-erauqs, diputs a era uoy?

(Translation): You are a stupid, square-headed, bald git, aren't you?

I ain't pointing at you. I'm pointing at you. But I'm not actually addressing you. I'm addressing the one prat in the country who's bothered to get hold of this recording, turn it round, and actually work out the rubbish that I'm saying. What a poor, sad, life he's got!

(After Lister loses his arm...)

Cat: (I think!) Can't he just use one of your arms?

Kryten: No Sir; it would be so heavy it would be too heavy for Mr Lister to get it up.

Cat: He could always take it off when he's on a date!

Now, if you really, TRULY got that... for what it's REALLY meant to be about... you're probably quicker off the mark than I am. It took me about 2 years to figure that one out... sweatdrop

Totally. And, from the same episode... (it was just only the telly now you see!)

Kryten: *with Nano-bots on the tip of his finger* All I need to do now is insert them into your body!

Lister: eek How?!

Kryten: *holds up needle* With a hypodermic of course...

Lister: Thank God for that...

xd I heart Red Dwarf!!! Ah, the subtlety... twisted I love the way it's done so that even my kid brother is able to watch it...

KRYTEN: Uh-oh, a door. We'd better use an air vent.
LISTER: No need.
KRYTEN: Sir?
LISTER: Look, I'm gonna do something now, Kryten, that's totally, totally gross. I don't want you to look. Turn around.
KRYTEN: What?
LISTER: Trust me, you don't wanna know!

LISTER: *Pulls the severed hand out of his jacket, places it on the palm-reader, and the door opens. He then places it back into his jacket.*

KRYTEN: Logically, sir, there is only one way you could have possibly have opened that door. I feel quite nauseous. Where is it?
LISTER: Where's what?
KRYTEN: Oh, sir!! You've got it in your jacket!!
LISTER: I got us out of the hold, didn't I?
KRYTEN: Sir, you are sick! You are a sick, sick person! How can you possibly even conceive of such an idea?
LISTER: Cheer up! Or I'll beat you to death with the wet end! ( xd )
KRYTEN: Sir, if mechanoids could barf, I'd be onto my fifth bag by now. You're a sick person! Sick! Sick!

RIMMER: Right! That's it! (Begins writing on his clipboard) "Lister, D., Third Technician. Offense: obstructing a superior technician by humming, clicking, and being quiet." When the Captain sees this you're dead.
LISTER: Rimmer, I'm bored!
RIMMER: Bored?! This is essential routine maintenance! It's absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew, this mission, and this ship. *Reads his clipboard.* "Dispenser 172: chicken soup nozzle clogged."

Can't rememer the exact details, but that whole thing where a hologram from a holograhpic ship beams over, and makes a report, and he's like "[name] to [ship's name] very old, crude area, no signs of intelligent life" or something like that. And lister starts imitating him, and they trade insults, and then lister is like "subject seems to be in serious need of a beating" hologram responds "subject appears to be unaware that he is threatening a hologram, who he cannot actually harm" and lister responds "subject appears to be unware of a rather study holowhip in the weapons cabinet" and the hologram is all like "um, {name} to {ship name} beam back immediately. Now please, Hurry."

That quote's from Holoship, another Series V episode. 3nodding

He didn't get his hard light drive in this episode, that was around series VI, I believe. He was just able to touch and feel (etc.) because he was on a Holoship. xp

BINKS: *Walking around the Starbug.* Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial speculation: there is absolutely nothing of any value or intrigue here. It's one of the old class-2
ship-to-surface vessels -- the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws. Crew: 3. *Passes along the crew
members, who are now standing in line.* One series-4000 mechanoid --
almost burnt out. Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvageable
value. Ah, Felis Sapiens -- bred from the domestic house cat and about
half as smart. No value in future study of this species. What have we
here? A human being, or a very close approximation. Chronological
age: mid-20s, physical age: fourty-seven. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily
ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that of
no value or interest.
LISTER: *Takes out a packet of ciggerettes, pulls one out as a makeshift aerial and speaks into it.* Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg pot. Brains in the a**l region. Chin absent -- presumed missing. Genitalia
small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.
BINKS: Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human
has knowledge of irony, satire, and imitation. With patient tuition
could maybe master simple tasks.
LISTER: Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble.
Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling, could
possibly be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
BINKS: Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that he
is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.
LISTER: Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware
that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless
he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history
in two seconds flat! *Eats the ciggerette and starts removing his jacket, hat and fleece-thingy.*
BINKS: Binks to Enlightenment. Re-con mission complete, transmit. With speed, Enlightenment, quickly please!

Um. In "the end", when Lister is wandering around the ship, and the crew are all missing, and all there is is these piles of white dust on everything. And so he sticks his finger in one and tastes it, then asks Holly what they are, and Holly says "well, that one there was captain Holister". Damn funny.

"Of course you're tense, you rectom faced pygmy."

"Laugh laugh laugh, gafaw, chuckle giggle, that's Listie and Rimsie."

-Rimmer, trying to convince Lister not to try to pass his chef's exam. domokun

"I killed him, cha cha cha."

--Lister's confidence.

Holly: Everybody's dead Dave, Dave, everybody is dead, everybody is dead Dave...

Lister: Hang on a sec. Are you tryin to tell me everybody's dead?

~*~*~

Rimmer: Brace yourself Lister, but I just saw you die!

Lister: What?!

Rimmer: I told you to brace yourself!

Lister: You didn't even pause!

Rimmer: Nonsence, I gave you ample bracing time!

((A little bit later))

Lister: You mean I get blown up?!

Rimmer: Bits of you do...

Sorry if those are a little wrong; my memory of those episodes is a little fuzzy...

I've just seen the first four seasons, and I'm definitely going to have to go with the end of ep 4, season 1, waiting for god:

Rimmer: I surmise that they looked something like a roast chicken
Pause
Shocked look
Roll credits


It's a garbage pod

It's a smegging garbage pod

Just the context is absolutely smeggin brilliant.

ACE: A man like him, here, needed a name. I thought 'Skipper' sat rather well.

RIMMER: "Ace and Skipper?" You sound like a kid's TV series about a boy and his bush kangaroo.

- Rimmer, not too happy having met 'Ace'.

TOASTER: Howdy doodly do! How's it going? I'm Talkie -- Talkie Toaster,
your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the
game. Anyone like any toast?
LISTER: Look, _I_ don't want any toast, and _he_ (indicating KRYTEN)
doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. NO TOAST.
TOASTER: How 'bout a muffin?
LISTER: OR muffins! OR muffins! We don't LIKE muffins around here! We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and DEFINITELY no smegging flapjacks!
TOASTER: Aah, so you're a waffle man!

- Lister and Talkie Toaster, during the opening scene of the 'White Hole' episode.

HOLLISTER: I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected officer yesterday.

RIMMER: That is just not true, sir. We played a prank on Mister Ackerman, sir. Oh I see...



HOLLY: Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat, this is NOT a daffodil!

RIMMER: Well thankfully Holly's unaffected.



CAT: What's that?
RIMMER: Human remains. Wait. Angle: five degrees right. Ten degrees up. Stop. There: some kind of writing on the floor. P S I R E N S. Psirens?
KRYTEN: The poor devil scrawled it in his death throes, using a combination of his own blood and even some lengths of his own intestines.
RIMMER: Who would do that?
LISTER: Someone who badly needed a pen.
CAT: What I don't understand is why he went to the trouble of using his kidney as a full stop.
RIMMER: I don't think he meant that. It probably just plopped out.



LISTER: Wait a minute... I think I've got a way of getting out of here. Has anyone ever seen "Revenge Of The Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls"?
KRYTEN: I think that one slipped us by, sir.




And the whole plane scene in PP1 Series 8, a classic!

RIMMER: Kill Crazy's insane, he's got lots of strange ideas. He reckons, every time they flush a loo on a plane it drops straight out, and that's why they don't let you go to the lav when the plane's standing on the runway. For fear of skid starts.

LISTER: He's probably right.

RIMMER: Course he isn't.

LISTER: Well why else wouldn't they let you go, then?

RIMMER: I don't know. Maybe they're helping you break up your journey. If they let you go to the loo first off, you'd have nothing to do after you'd eaten your cheese.

LISTER: Nah, Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why houses under the flightpath are always so cheap.

RIMMER: Cos of all the flushing planes?

LISTER: Yeah, well, think about it: you can't sunbathe, you can't have a barbecue, and every time you go out you've got to wear a washable hat and leg it to your car.

RIMMER: It's the noise. That's why houses under the flightpath are so cheap - because of the noise.

LISTER: The noise?

RIMMER: Yeah.

LISTER: They're half a mile up. You'd never be able to hear people on the loo from that distance. Not unless they were like my Uncle Dan.

My fave quote is from the first episode when Lister comes out of stasis and he has the talk with Holly about everyone being dead.

Lister: Where is everybody Hol?
Holly: They're dead Dave.
Lister: Who is?
Holly: Everybody Dave!
Lister: What Captain Holester?
Holly: Everybody Dave!
.....and so on....
Holly: Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead Dave.
Lister: Wait; are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?

I've just always loved that. smile

*Whats and iguana?
*feckels heckels shmackles shemkles whatever they are there up right now and pointing at you buddy

1st post in guild:

Rimmer: I want to let you go but I can't
Lister: Why not?
Rimmer: Because the king of the potato people wont let me. I begged, I pleaded with him to let you go.
Cat: Can we see him?
Rimmer: who?
Cat: The king
Rimmer: Do you have a magic carpet?
Lister: Yeah, a little 3 seater
Rimmer: So, you want to travel on a magic carpet to see the king of the potato people and plead for your lives and you think you're not crazy?

Not sure if this has been posted...

Kryten:

LISTER: Drop dead, Rimmer.
RIMMER: Already have done.
LISTER: Encore!

Queeg500: is that what he told you
Lister: well then what is his Iq
Queeg500: Its got a 6 in it but its nto 6000
Rimmer: what is it?
Queeg500: 6


and

Holy: were talking april may june july fools here

and

Lister: ok people remeber its rimmers mind out there expect sickness

and

Lister: woa look at that giant pizza
kryten: uh sir i dotn think thats a giant pizza
Lister; what kind of pizza parlor do you goto if you dont call that giant.

i dont know the quote but i find it very funny in the garbage pod episoide where he pulls out the roast chicken and said
: this must have been a mighty worrior

Probably already said:

Um, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is "What are we going to call ourselves?" um, and I think it comes down to a choice between `The League Against Salivating Monsters' or my own personal preference, which is `The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society'. Um, one drawback with that... the abbreviation is `CLITORIS'.


and of course, there is always

Billy Doyle. Well, that's a name that comes from the wrong side of the the tracks, isn't it? You can see it all now: a youth spent in and out of corrective institutions; a string of illegitimate children; the wife will be all white shoes, no tights and blotchy legs; has to take up petty crime to cover the court orders for maintenance; before he knows it, he's standing in a bank with a sawn-off shotgun; somehow, it goes off; an old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted bobble hat; all he can do is hide, but where?; and then it hits him... with his ill-gotten gains he can buy four years in a computer game and wait until the heat is off. And so ends the Ballad of Billy `Granny-Killer' Doyle.

This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. I'm a piece of flotsam, jetsam human wreckage sputum bag who smells like a yak latrine, and now my best flashing mac is about to be splattered with an android's brain. I'm after you with the gun.

Rimmer: Are you absolutely these are my hips, Holly?

(This next bit is when they are near the time hole)

Rimmer:No, this clearly is a Blue Giant going Super Nova. THAT is a time hole.



Cat: Look at my Hands, I had beautiful Hands!

Lister: Wear the smegging gloves then!

Cat: Blue with marigold! Are you Crazy?



Lister: Fasten your belts!

Cat: Hey, I am not taking fashion tips from you.



Lister: Put it on!

Cat: But then they won't say "Hey who's that guy? He's gorgeous..."



Rimmer: They are Dead!

Kryten: Are you absolutely sure?

Rimmer: Yes!

Kryten: But, but I've only been gone five minutes!

Rimmer: They've been dead for centuries!

Kryten: Are you a Doctor?

Rimmer: Look there's a simple test for this. Alright girls, Raise your hands if you're alive.


Sorry, the best ones I could find that weren't already said. whee I know they aren't exactly, but you get the gist. biggrin

Rimmer: I didn't know it was his wife, I though it was a publicity shot from planet of the apes.

Kryten: You've been Kryter-ed!

I couldn't resist. biggrin

brid man- Pete ate me...he's never eaten me before... and anonther one same episode Pete do you want some seed...ARGH! They crack me up.

Favourite quote ever from Quarantine, season five (I think)

While Lister, Cat and Kryten are in quarantine
Lister: We're alright Rimmer. Can you let us out?!
Infected Rimmer: Well I'd like to let you out, but the King of the Potato People won't let me
Cat: Well, can we see him?
Infected Rimmer: See who?
Cat: The King
Infected Rimmer: Do you have a magic carpet?
Lister: Yeah. A little three seater
Infected Rimmer: So let me get this straight, you want to fly on a magic carpet, to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your safety. And you're telling me there's nothing amiss? Well I quess that warrants you two hours of W.O.O
Lister: What's W.O.O?
Cat: You had to ask
Infected Rimmer: With- Out- Oxygen

Love it xd

My favourite quote from RD is one that people don't choose very often, but it's the delivery that kills me! xd



xd xd xd I just LOVE Chris's delivery of that line!