Welcome to Gaia! ::

Hey all! I'm new to the guild, and I though one of the best presents I could give you all is a story I started working one... It doesn't have a title yet, but I'm sure I'll be able to come up with one after I've finished writing the next few chapters... sweatdrop

Anyway, I've posted two things in this forum, beside this message, and that's the blurb to my story, and the Prologue to my story... hope you like it.

And I'm always looking forward to feedback.

Prologue

There was no reason to go on. He had failed. Failed everything. His friends. His family. He had failed them all, and he hated it. He hated the fact that he had been so weak, so… vulnerable… that he could not face what he had to face and win. What was worse was that he knew that his family and friends were disappointed in him, even if they said it didn’t matter if he hadn’t won. He knew they were lying. He knew that in their hearts, they hated him. Hated how he looked, talked, and acted. They hated the fact that he had failed them all.

He hadn’t meant to fail them though. He hadn’t meant to make his little sister cry, even though she said she didn’t mind that he had lost, that there was always next time… Next time. How dumb could some people be? There was never a “next time”, there was only now, and this moment. The “next time” business only gave people false hopes, false dreams in being able to achieve something so perfect, something so brilliant, that everyone loved and praised you for it. But no, there was no “next time” for him. No false ray of hope he was going to reach out and grab and hold onto, for it would just fly away after the “next time” came and went.

Of course, he could always try and follow his own dream, his own path. He could put away the dream his friends and family had wanted him to follow. The dream he kept on failing at, for it was not his own. But no. He’d never be allowed to follow his own dream. His parents and sister would laugh at him if he even tried. His friends would point, and snigger at him, whisper some nameless phrases about him that would make them dissolve into fits of giggles. Him?! A singer?! A writer?! A painter?! And god forbid; an actor?! Surely not! Not the son of David Alexander de Michel the third! No son of his would waste such talent on something as trivial as that! He was to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or at the very least, a well paid physician. The son of David Alexander de Michel the third must always have the best!

And yet, he failed. He didn’t become a doctor. He didn’t become a lawyer. He didn’t become a well paid physician. Oh, his grades were good enough, but his heart wasn’t in it. And so he failed. He got kicked out of his courses before even half a year was over. He went to the five of the finest universities, one after another, and he had been kicked out of all of them. Well… he had just been kicked out of his fifth one now. That’s why he had failed. That was why his family and friends were disappointed, even though they said they weren’t. That was why his little sister had said there was always “next time”, while she had tears in her baby blue eyes.

Alexis Arishka de Michel was a failure.

And in his mind he always would be if he kept on pursuing dreams others had laid down before him. He never said this aloud though. He didn’t want to see his sister cry anymore. He didn’t want to hear his mother say, “oh David! What are we going to do with him? He’s been kicked out of university for the fifth time!” when she thought he wasn’t listening. Only his friends kept their mouths shut when he was around. But who knew what they said about him once he was out of ear shot. He couldn’t live like this any more… he had to leave. He had to get away from it all.

But where would he go?

What would he do?

Money wasn’t a problem. He’d just go down to the bank and transfer it over to a different bank just when he had arrived in the new town and/or city. He had that part worked out as soon as he knew he was going to leave. He now just had to think of where to go. Almost everyone knew him in this town, which was almost big enough to be called a city. So staying in town wasn’t an option. But then where could he go? He hadn’t really travelled anywhere before. In fact, he couldn’t really say that he had left his home town once, except for his short term stay at four different universities in surrounding towns, which were all less then three kilometres away. So he knew next to nothing about the world outside of the town he lived in.

And so he studied. In secret of course. If his parents, friends or sister found out what he was planning to do, they’d put a stop to it. His parents would even go as far as locking him in his room until he came to his senses. So telling someone was completely out of the question. So he studied at night by torch light under his sheets, while during the day he was the Alexis everyone expected him to be. And after two weeks of living a double life, where at night he studied names of towns and cities, their customs, the type of people that lived there, and by day was a happy, care free, man, he finally chose a place that would become his new home.

The city Atlantis.

It was the perfect place. There were writers, poets, singers, artists, every kind of person he wanted to be, lived, or had once lived, in this city. Of course it had its fair shear of lawyers, doctors and physician, but he didn’t care about them. This was a city where he could try and achieve some of his own dreams after all.

Another week had past when he was ready to set his plan in motion. He had already brought plane tickets, booked a taxi to take him to the air-port; he had even phoned a head and booked a hotel room in advance. He even had a map to show him his way around Atlantis once he got there. So with everything ready in advance, he slipped away in the quiet of the night. He didn’t say good-bye to anyone. In fact, he didn’t even leave a note. He just had to grab his bag he had packed the night before and leave the house, get into the taxi, which was waiting for him a few houses down, and he was on his way to the air-port. Once there, he boarded his flight, waited a few minutes until the plane took to the air before he looked out his window and watched the town disappear below him.

He was free. After 20 years he was finally free of a family who, in away, had held him as a prisoner in the family home. He was finally free of having friends who thought that he was the best in the world because that was what their parents had taught them to believe. But he was almost certain that they had probably laughed behind his back when he had failed, and because he was different.

He was free of it all. Finally free to be himself.

Note: Chapter one so far is the second last post on this page...

sweatdrop I didn't even think of that... I'll think of away to fix it up, and when I do I'll update it on this site. Though I could make the town biger... because if it's a big town, with many suburbs, there could be a lot of univerities... sweatdrop Thanks for pointing that out... and please, fill free to tell me anythingelse you found annoying, and I'll work to fix them... because I want my story to be good enough to publish one day.

It looks better then mine... will fix it up. ^_^ 3nodding



Eck… gramma… Gramma’s never been my strong point… nor has spelling… will fix up. 3nodding



Typos.… how we all hate them… will fix up. 3nodding



Have fixed up on my main copy, now will fix it up everywhere else.



sweatdrop I though I fixed all of those… he must have slipped under my radar, will fix. 3nodding



sweatdrop I can’t really see how… but maybe if I wrote it as “a head” instead of “ahead” it’ll help, what do you think?




I always listen to what people say. ^_^ in all honesty, I think me writing sucks 90% of the time… I get hit a lot because of it, but hey… in my opinion, any author who doesn’t think their writing sucks, is, for lake of a better term, full of themselves, for nothing is ever perfect.

Anyway… about that university mishap… how does this sound, and does it fix it? :

Thank you, that does make it smother reading then what I had. sweatdrop



^_^ Thanks you.



That's true... but it still doesn't stop me from being hit by me friends... sweatdrop
I know.... And since I like to read a lot, that seems to help also. 3nodding
Agreed.

I couldn't take it anymore... chapter one of this story is really bugging me... please tell me what you think of it so far while I try and write more... sweatdrop


Chapter One

Atlantis.

Everything the travel guide had said it would be; and more.

A happy, vibrant, city; full of laughter, song, and colour. With roads made from cobalt stone and footpaths made from granite and/or marble depending on where you walked. The buildings were all different shapes and colours, and were all warm and welcoming whenever you entered them. And the people! The people were amazing. You’d be walking down the street and a group of people would just burst into song and dance, for no more reason then they could do so if they chose to. They were also very helpful, and none seemed to mind that there could be murderers or rapists walking around, for they were always caught and put into jail within a week after committing such a crime.

Alexis hadn’t even been here for two hours before the city felt more like home then his home town, Avalon, had ever been. He hadn’t even been here for two hours before the crowded streets and busy roads seemed more normal then the quiet streets had been. He hadn’t even been here for two hours before the loud noise of people talking and the traffic were just as comforting as the sound of birds singing, and soft music.

Ah yes. He was finally home where he should be.

And yet… despite feeling like he was home, he wasn’t one hundred percent sure he fitted in. Sure, there were other people around him with the same colour hair and eyes he had. Sure, there were other people who were the same height and build as he was… but did that truly make him fit in? He just felt so… well… different so… alien. He didn’t know anyone here in this beautiful city. He didn’t know where anything truly was, except for the hotel he was going to stay at for that night. Sure he had read where things were out of the books he had studied, but that was different to actually knowing where things where.

Sighing softly, Alexis stopped walking and gazed at himself in a shop window. Weary, emerald green, eyes stared back at him, unblinkingly, full of concern mixed with wonder, betraying exactly as he felt. His coppery colour hair, fell to his shoulders in gently waves, and framed a shaven love heart shaped face for a few seconds before gently being picked up and blown about in a gently breeze. His skin was milky white, and contrasted well with the dark clothing he wore, while blending together quite nicely with his pale pink lips, which just seemed to scream, kiss me. He was tall, about six foot seven, and he was of a slender build, though very strong despite this. He was just your average Jo Blow, who people would rarely take a second glance at unless they were interested with what they saw.
It made him sick.

How could anyone like someone else just for their looks? Didn’t people realize that looks weren’t everything? Didn’t people realize that a person was more beautiful on the inside?

No. Of course they didn’t. Only a few people in the world probably knew how to look for that beautiful glow which was inside every person; no matter how ugly you thought the person looked; no matter how rich, or how charming a person could be, their true beauty, their true… nature… was on the inside, and if you couldn’t see it; if you couldn’t take that single moment and just reach out and grab it, you’d lose something before you could even realize it was there.

I just read the prologue. I haven't gotten to the 1st chapter yet. But the prologue is good. You start out really nicely with the failing. That really catches the readers attention. (I think Goblin said something like this but I don't know because I didn't read his stuff so if I repeat I am sorry) The first paragraph is good because the reader can connect with the emotions the character is feeling. At least I can cuz I have defenitely failed before biggrin In the second paragraph I like the last sentence. It's very well written. But you devoted a whole paragraph to "next time" and it isn't really neccessary. You tend to do that a lot. No offense, but you carry on about one thing for a really long time. You are essentially saying the same thing but with different words. That's something every writer has to work at--not repeating themself. Putting the dad's name in the 3rd paragraph was also a nice touch. It adds a lot to the story to have that. As well as looking at the situation from the dad's point of view. But if you could find a way to combine the second and third paragraphs I think it would flow better and be more cohesive. Having the one line is superb. That is very nice. And I am going to start another post now.

Okay. Like I said the one line where he said he is a failure and then explains why is very good. But the questions that are by themselves have to go. They take away from the one liner before that and are not significant enought to warrant a line all to themselves. The line where he talks about the bank and everybody knowing him is kind of boring. It's too lengthy, too long, and quite obvious. I would condense that a lot. Or I would combine it with his "double life" paragraph. But speaking of which, I don't really like the "double life" thing because it sounds kind of cliche. And I don't know that it is really a double life. I think just saying he studied in secret would suffice. "The city Atlantis" doesn't need its own line either. You really like putting stuff all alone don't you? The first one was excellent. But if you use it a lot it won't be as effective so I would combine it with the paragraph below it. And the free paragraph is also too wordy. You used free at least 5 times. And while being free is good, you have too much freedom. Well that's all I have for now. I will come back and critique your 1st chapter if you want. Sorry, I was kind of mean sometimes. But I'm only mean because I care and want to help you out. But it is good and I do like it. So keep writing and have a pleasant day.