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 Posted: Fri Aug 27, 2004 9:53 pm
I stare out into a shower of rain.
It beholds the presence of my anxiety, my pain.
With the storm brewing stronger,
I can feel the pulse in my veins.
Rushing out to the streets I stare.
Wishing my beloved angel is there.
I missed our long walks at night.
I missed the secrets we shared.
With a strike of lightning, the rain turned red.
Streaming down my eyes were tears of blood I shed.
A voice calls to me, there you were again.
But it couldn't be, you're already dead.
Gazing into your eyes once more, it soothes my heart.
I can't stand us being apart.
Let me die now so I could join you.
Please don't leave me alone in the dark.
I reach my hand for yours as your body fades away.
I lay on the bloody ground letting my memory replay.
Pain sinks back in when I remember the tragedy.
I can't live to see another day.
A moment later, you came back to stay.
Hovering above me in shades of grey.
Even if you are a spirit now I never cease to say,
I love you.
----------------------------
This is one of my personal favorites in my collection of poems. Let me know what you htink of it and suggest anything that you think might make it better. Thanks.
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Posted: Sat Aug 28, 2004 8:33 am
Very good, I like it. Keep up the good poem writing.
3nodding
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Posted: Sat Aug 28, 2004 5:46 pm
Xavier Reed Very good, I like it. Keep up the good poem writing. 3nodding thanks for the comment, I greatly appreciate it smile
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Posted: Sat Aug 28, 2004 6:59 pm
Xavier Reed Very good, I like it. Keep up the good poem writing. 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 8:52 am
Immortal_14 Xavier Reed Very good, I like it. Keep up the good poem writing. 3nodding Thanks a lot. I'll be sure to post part 2 up sometime smile
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Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2004 10:44 am
EuroKai Immortal_14 Xavier Reed Very good, I like it. Keep up the good poem writing. 3nodding Thanks a lot. I'll be sure to post part 2 up sometime smile
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Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2004 11:12 am
I love it!!! >< it`s so... great... heart
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Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2004 2:23 pm
JoeLee I love it!!! >< it`s so... great... heart thanks for the comment. Just to let everyone know I will post up part two around hmm..tomorrow. It's similar in some ways but its up to you to decide which is better.
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Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2004 12:47 pm
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Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2004 2:32 pm
I was almost in tears after reading that... it was beautiful... it's been a long time since I've read a poem that's move me so much. ^_^
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Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2004 6:57 pm
thanks for the comments wendy and kitsune.
I am now posting up part two.
Let me know which one you like better.
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Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2004 10:43 am
Hi. I read this one after the other one. But I voted before I read this one but I stand by my vote. I like the other one. The picture it created was better because it was more concise. Um, you have the same problem in this one as in your other one. The rhyming is off. You really need to find some kind of rhyming scheme and stick with it. It would make your poems a lot better. Oh yeah, and you lie on the bloody ground, not lay. Just to let you know. But on the whole, your poem was nice. domokun
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Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2004 8:28 pm
serpenteyes Hi. I read this one after the other one. But I voted before I read this one but I stand by my vote. I like the other one. The picture it created was better because it was more concise. Um, you have the same problem in this one as in your other one. The rhyming is off. You really need to find some kind of rhyming scheme and stick with it. It would make your poems a lot better. Oh yeah, and you lie on the bloody ground, not lay. Just to let you know. But on the whole, your poem was nice. domokun Like I said in the other thread, I respect your opinion. I only find it odd that you're the only person ever to mention things about the rhyme scheme. Its not a bad thing but usually the rhyme scheme isn't a problem, more of it is the confusion of what the poem is about sweatdrop . But anyways for this one I kept a rhyme scheme of "aaba". That is until you hit the ending in which I modified it. But thats just my style, I'm fine with what others think of my work. We all have different views on what we think is good wink . Thanks again for reading!
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