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Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running?
Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm alergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Lois: You're drunk again.
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.

Vacuum repairman: There you go, all fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Peter: Oh. Well, did you save it?
Vacuum repairman: Uh, no.
Peter: You b*****d.

Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get a**l. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.

Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.

Peter: I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?

Peter: Lois, um, go get the medical dictionary and look up "fork" and "lung."
Lois: Why?
Peter: Time is a factor, Lois.

Peter: And Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none of them were half the man you are. Since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure

Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money

Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-- ... Whoa. I almost walked into that one.

Peter: A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, Bam! Herpes.

Peter: Gays don't vommit. They're a very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France

[Family is talking about Peter's Drinking problem]
Brian Griffin: And remember the time when you had an Irish Coffee before we went to see "Philadelphia?"
[Shows them in a movie theater]
Peter: Ah, yeah. It's the guy from "Big." Tom Hanks Everything he says is a riot.
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]

Peter: Make like Siamese twins and split ... and then one of you die.

Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: Now that's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!

Lois: A woman is not an object.
Peter: Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois: Peter!

(Peter and Brain are in jail)
Brian: Uh, how was your shower?
Peter: Oh, I tell ya Brian, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true.
Brian: Really?
Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. Oh, it was slipping all
over the place. Guys were laughing.

Lois: Peter, why would they make you presidesnt?
Peter: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second - RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise

Peter: The deep south? Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy?

Peter: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.

Peter: I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal

Peter: I'll give you $40 for that coffin.
Store Owner: Sir, this casket is $1,000.
Peter: I'll give you $2,000.
Store Owner: Sir, that's double what it costs.
Peter: $60.
Brian: [to the store owner] He doesn't know how to haggle.

Peter: What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put 'em in a tub and clean myself with them? That's what soap is for, Lois.

Brian: Peter, are you sure, you've never had much luck telling jokes.
[Flash back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]
Peter: Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe.
[Apes c**k shotguns]

Peter: I'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!

Stewie: "Rupert! I told you to watch the bags. You were watching the boys again, weren't you?"

Peter: "What do you want me to do, whack a guy, off a guy, whack off a guy? Because I'm married!"

Tom Tucker: As far as I'm concerned New York and everyone from there can go fornicate themselves with an iron bar."

Chris: "Okay, guess the word I'm thinking of, this time it's definitely not kitty."
Meg: "Is it Kitty?"
Chris: "Get out of my head!"

Peter:Lois its time you acted like the pice of smit youn are

Lois....Thats Putersmit


Lois:This is mine this is where my babies come from



Stewie:That should garente some after dinner entertainment


Lois:peter you cant be pregnint

Peter:Well I don't have many options I'm cathlick


Peter:Honey are you pregnint

Lois:No

(Peter pushes her down the stars)





Peter:Ow I'm sorry,Hey you know what would get that out? Sex with anther man


Brian:Hello Guss

Guss biggrin o I know you?

Brian:Its me Brian I was born here

Guss:Sorry lots of dogs have been born here which where you

Brain:...I was the one who could talk

Brian:well you got 30 min.s to pull a party out of your a**. If you'r going to you might want to stand up.

Peter- Hey New Yorker you're sitting in my seat and I hate sex with your mother last night.

guy- What did you say?!

Lois- Peter are you crazy?

Peter- Are we talking my seat or me plowing your father's wife?


Peter- Excuse me, is your refridgerator running? Because if it is I bet you run just like it, very homosexually.

Peter- Yankees suck, Mets suck, Nicks suck. Krypton sucks.

[ Message temporarily off-line ]

i love when Stewie says "For every sprinkle i find i shall kill you"

...yeah the 3 year old novel....sweeeet