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 Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2004 4:24 am
A word of warning: This story is odd. And very short. It isn't meant to be a masterpiece of mine or such, it's merely a scribble. However, I thought "Hey, maybe SOMEONE likes it" so I decided to post it. I'm not going to rewrite it or edit it (much), but I'd still be happy to hear what you think 3nodding Sarah and Annie "Down there" she thought as she looked down into the deep well. "This is the place". She slowly walked in a circle around the well, looking into what seemed as a bottomless pit. She thought she had heard water at the very bottom of the well when she dropped a rock into it a few minutes earlier. Sarah wished there would be no water at the bottom of the well. She didn't know how to swim. She hoped it would be nothing but cold, rock-solid ground.
And a human.
She stepped up onto the stony edge of the well and looked up at the sun above her. It was a sunny day, just as it had been the day her twin sister had fallen. Yesterday. They were twins, and something instinctively drew Sarah closer to the well. As if her sister was calling out to her. "Annie, don't worry. I'm going to join you soon." she thought. She tilted her head down towards the well. There was something eerie about the well, almost as if the very wind around Sarah was the voice of Annie, her dear sister.
Sarah was beyond rescue. She knew that Annie was forever gone and that all fun they had previously had would never happen again. No more cozy saturday nights, watching taped records of Digimon. No more playing with the doll house they had gotten for their birthday a year earlier. No more playing with the neighbours dog, Skippy.
No more.
"Poor Annie" she thought as she stepped out and fell.
And she fell.
But didn't hit the ground. It'd be interesting to see what you think happened to Sarah. Post your thoughts and comments! 3nodding
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Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2004 10:24 am
Oooh. I liked it, even if I myself would have liked more detail about how Annie fell or just more imagery, but the story's fine as it is. Honestly, I have no idea what happened to Sarah, and just view the last sentence as some kind of trandscendive... end. O_o;; Er, I liked it altogether, is what I'm trying to say. 3nodding
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Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2004 10:50 am
If I revealed the original title of the story, it would become obvious.
ninja
So here it is...
(Sarah and the Bottomless Pit)
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Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2004 11:43 am
Well before you revealed the title I thought she got grabbed by a gaint underground snake and devoured.
But your ending is good too wink
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Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2004 12:05 pm
Spidre Well before you revealed the title I thought she got grabbed by a gaint underground snake and devoured. But your ending is good too wink Kinda makes you think, doesn't it? What if I'm just making stuff up? Maybe the original intent WAS a giant underground snake? eek *spooky voice*
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Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2004 9:37 pm
wwooooooo
spooky. That's it, I'm not going near any wells ever again.
This is very ambiguous story telling- as though you were trying to convey a mood or feel more than information. yes? no?
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Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2004 10:19 pm
Mara-ani wwooooooo spooky. That's it, I'm not going near any wells ever again. This is very ambiguous story telling- as though you were trying to convey a mood or feel more than information. yes? no? Correct 3nodding . I'm practicing several moods and feelings. My previous story was "foreboding" and the one before that was "helplessness". This one is simply "depression". I really don't know what the next will be. Perhaps... terror? twisted
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Posted: Sat Aug 28, 2004 7:41 pm
Mirri Night Oooh. I liked it, even if I myself would have liked more detail about how Annie fell or just more imagery, but the story's fine as it is. Honestly, I have no idea what happened to Sarah, and just view the last sentence as some kind of trandscendive... end. O_o;; Er, I liked it altogether, is what I'm trying to say. 3nodding
wow i agree i loved it i would like it to be a longer story but i still love it good story
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Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 7:22 am
Immortal_14
wow i agree i loved it i would like it to be a longer story but i still love it good story Thanks! Yeah, I know I could've fleshened it out a bit, but I really like to keep these stories short before I lose my inspiration.
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Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2004 6:49 am
It's good. Very nice. I liked how you built it up until she just stepped into the well. And the last line, oooh, mysterious *twilight zone music playing in background*
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Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2004 6:16 am
serpenteyes It's good. Very nice. I liked how you built it up until she just stepped into the well. And the last line, oooh, mysterious *twilight zone music playing in background* Yeah, I got that feeling as well, but to be honest, after reading the title, I felt a bit let down. I was expecting something else, I don't know... Anyway, nice little piece.
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Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2004 7:36 am
meanwhile serpenteyes It's good. Very nice. I liked how you built it up until she just stepped into the well. And the last line, oooh, mysterious *twilight zone music playing in background* Yeah, I got that feeling as well, but to be honest, after reading the title, I felt a bit let down. I was expecting something else, I don't know... Anyway, nice little piece. The title was just something temporary. I didn't really plan on releasing this piece of work, so the title didn't get worked on very much. sweatdrop However, I'm still happy to hear that it's enjoyed by it's audience whee
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Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:39 am
I'm trying to think how exactly (and failing miserably crying ), but it would be much better if the peice were all metaphorical. To achieve that, you'd have to decide what the metaphor is - something which the girl wants to join with her twin, and which ends up "capturing them both", and how to communicate it to the readers so that the metaphor is obvious enough.
-Just a possiblity to consider, there's nothing wrong leaving it the way it is. Most people seemed to enjoy it the way it already is anyhow.
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Posted: Thu Sep 23, 2004 12:47 pm
meanwhile I'm trying to think how exactly (and failing miserably crying ), but it would be much better if the peice were all metaphorical. To achieve that, you'd have to decide what the metaphor is - something which the girl wants to join with her twin, and which ends up "capturing them both", and how to communicate it to the readers so that the metaphor is obvious enough. -Just a possiblity to consider, there's nothing wrong leaving it the way it is. Most people seemed to enjoy it the way it already is anyhow. I'll probably leave it as it is, but it'd still be interesting to try and figure out a good metaphor. Just for the sake of discussion 3nodding . Got any suggestions?
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