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 Posted: Fri Apr 28, 2006 5:18 am
I've seen all kind of threads in this subforum.
With me, I don't need help, I just have to make the decision myself.
About Me:
I'm Sarah, I'm 16, and apparently I've found myself pregnant. I'm only about 15 days, so I'm really early in mine. I'm planning on going to the doctor for a blood test, but the EPT I took showed me positive.
I'm debating between abortion and keeping. Because I know if I go through nine months I'd connect with this child somehow. My boyfriend says he's not ready for child at this age in his life, he's 20.
and before you say it, Texas has a 17 legal, and he thinks I'm that.
He wants me to either do abortion, or adoption.
No matter what there will be pain, and whatifs. If I have this baby it will feel like it's sort of ruining my life. I'm graduating early, top 10% of my class, and NHS. And my mom would probably kill me, she's always talked about how I will get pregnant in HS. Adding a baby to the mix would bring great responsiblity to my life I probably can't handle, but would if I had to. Abortion seems easily.
Eh, so yeah.... That's my story. Somewhat.
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Posted: Fri Apr 28, 2006 2:20 pm
I am not trying to tell you what to do but do what you think is right. Think about each situation and what might happen after each of them: If you had an abortion, what will you feel like later?, if you let someone else adopt him/her will you feel any better? or what kind of emotions might be involved?, and if you decided to keep him/her what will happen? will you lose contact and a relationship with your parents? or what about school? will you be able to finish and do and become what you want?
Those are just a few questions I would probably consider if I were pregnant and didn't know what to do. No matter what you decide to do, you should at least let your mom/dad know and see what they think, and what they think is best or better for you to do.
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Posted: Fri Apr 28, 2006 2:52 pm
Yes.
I've been asking myself, as has my best friend, those types of questions.
If I decided to have it; I would keep it. Though adoption is a good idea too.
I'd finish HS, Hopefully not even be gone for two months.
And I'm planned on telling my mom after a blood test is done, just for better proof.
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Posted: Fri Apr 28, 2006 4:48 pm
Good plan. No sense worrying her for a false alarm.
You clearly seem intelligent and responsible. I am glad that you've thought through this as much as you already have. I don't suppose I need to tell you to be more careful in future with protection during sex.
I have known people (and in fact there are plenty right here in this guild) who have had children very young and still done very well for themselves. As long as you have a really good drive and self control, having a baby doesn't necessarily mean "ruining your life." It complicates it, yes. It will make everything much harder. But if you keep at it, it's not necessarily a guaranteed lose.
What you have to do is decide whether or not you have that self control within you. Do you think you can manage school with a baby at home? Do you think you will be able to afford/find someone to care for your child while you are at school or at work?
If not, it might be better, as you said, to take the "easier way" (easier, but still not easy). An abortion is still a big decision and can still make you feel bad. Not to mention that there are *some* health risks. When you are with your doctor, make sure to ask about your options. Get as much information as you can.
Best of luck to you. Remember that all roads from here have their positives and their negatives. It's a question of weighing them logically, while keeping your cool, and figuring out which is the best option for you as an individuals.
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Posted: Fri Apr 28, 2006 8:26 pm
Yes, of course, I understand.
All I can simply do is gather information, from myself, paents, and friends. But in the end, it is all my decision.
Each option will put a strain on my life, no matter how I go.
My boyfriend says, if I do go with having the child, that Adoption would be best, so it would be giving the child a chance at a better life. Then my best friend is wanting me to keep it. Honestly, both preferably are against abortion. But my boyfriend knows it's an option that would help.
I'm deciding, and going to go with an option that I can life with.
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Posted: Sat Apr 29, 2006 10:35 am
.Water.Whore. My boyfriend says, if I do go with having the child, that Adoption would be best, so it would be giving the child a chance at a better life. Then my best friend is wanting me to keep it. Honestly, both preferably are against abortion. But my boyfriend knows it's an option that would help. Personally, I would put adoption as a last option. I've had many friends who were adopted, these are the kids who actually did get into good homes, and they struggled a great deal with abandonment issues. Even though their new parents were very loving, the fact that their biological parents didn't want them was a very big issue in their lives. All of them had severe relationship/trust problems. And I remind you that these are the lucky ones who get adopted. Those who don't often go jumping from foster home to foster home. I had a girl like that in my high school. Granted, she doesn't represent every single child, but the lack of a stable home really put a tole on her. At 14, she was doing pretty much every drug I could name and was on a very self-distructive path. She suffered greatly because so many of the foster homes she was put into were very unhealthy (complete with molesting/abusive parents). Now, this isn't every case. And I am sure that there are plenty of kids who get put up for adoption and are very happy. I just haven't met one yet. Abortion, while not giving your child a good life, doesn't give him/her a bad one either. The child never exists and is certainly never conscious. Keeping the child, while maybe not a perfect life with all the toys, will at least give him/her a loving mother. I generally dislike putting my own opinions on others, but I am very much against putting kids up for adoption, especially if there are other choices.
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Posted: Sat Apr 29, 2006 11:52 am
I perfectly agree with you Kukushka.
My boyfriend has told me he was adopted, and one of my best friends was too. Both are/were in a loving home, but still have issues with being put up for adoption in their own way.
I really don't want to go this way. If I decided to go through nine months of pregnancy, I know I'll grow attached to it, and want to keep it.
So really, right now, it's up to be deciding if I want to go through nine months of pregnancy, really.
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Posted: Sat Apr 29, 2006 6:09 pm
Just to point out, there's more than one type of adoption. Both kinds are covered somewhere in the Pregnancy Sticky, and I know you could ask your doctor and/or look it up online for more information.
There's closed adoption, which is the kind I think most people are familiar with. To my knowledge, it involves the birth parent signing away all parental rights to the adoptive parents. The birth parent is then not allowed contact with the child until they are 18, after which they can look for each other and so on.
But there's also open adoption. And while I don't know much about it, I know that it allows the birth parent to be a part of the child's life. The adoptive parents to adopt the child, but the birth parent (the mother) is guaranteed parental visits and so on. So if you think you could do that, it's something to consider.
Also, check your legal laws for Texas. I know that in some places in the States, depending on where the person lives and what the age of consent is, 16 and 20 might be considered rape or sexual assault, or something of the nature. So if you go to your mother, make sure she can't get your boyfriend arrested on rape charges or something like that.
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Posted: Sat Apr 29, 2006 7:29 pm
It's up to you and your heart.
Abortion isn't easy. It's hard to go through.
Just go and find out for sure, that's the only thing that I can really tell you to do.
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Posted: Sat Apr 29, 2006 8:12 pm
Yeah, Nikolita, I've looked all that up.
Age of consent is 17 in Texas, and I understand that. When I tell my mother about this, I wasn't planning on telling her who the father is, or telling my mother that he's 18. I'll decided that when I hit that bump.
If I decided on having the baby, I'd do open adoption so I could visit. I wouldn't want to be not part of my childs life.
I'm still very early in my pregnancy, and still thinking.
Since the Unplanned Pregnancy Clinic is only opeend Mon-Thurs I can't contract them until then. And so on and so forth.
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Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 4:20 pm
I know this hasn't had anything said in it for two days now, but I'd like to give my two cents.
I completely understand your situation, all except having a partner who wasn't ready (he was 18 at the time I fell pregnant) and telling my mum. I was more worried about telling my grandparents.
My side of the story, being a young mum and in education (I was in college when I found out, but I had to quit due to the baby being due when the final exams were to take place) I kept my daughter, I'm nearly 18 (this August) and my daughter is coming up to one. My partner is now 20. I chose to keep her because of my own beliefs on abortion, and also on adoption. My partner wasn't adopted, but he was put into foster care when he was 15 and I was around at the time he was going from home to home, and although he said he understood why, and he still sees his dad (it's a story we don't need to get into) I think deep down he does feel rejection and in some form, abandonment issues.
So I had Kyra last June. It has been a tough and rocky journey, but I live with my partner and daughter and although yes, things are hard, we're getting through. As I suffer from depression, it can be difficult to fully cope after just one single night of sleeplessness. At the end of the day, and ignoring everything that has been said to me (all the usual 'You've ruined your life' crap, etc) and the stares, I enjoy my life, I have the opportunity to go back to education (I'm not sure how things are in other countries, but because of the rise in teenage pregnancy here in England, a lot of schools and colleges have support networks for teens to carry on education, and there are some groups set up off school premises for teens to learn as well) I dropped out of school with no qualifications, and had to drop out of college as well (reason is above) But I did manage to get something, and I'm nearing the end of a computer course as well so that I can get a good paying job for the time being.
Yes, it is hard raising a child, but, in my honest opinion, if a child is put up for adoption and knows they are adopted, they can suffer from depression and issues, and will ask themselves, why? And yes, it will hurt giving your child up. It also hurts if you have an abortion, but if you weigh your options more and that is the case, don't feel bad you've done it. I know I'm not all for abortion, but I can't say 'it's wrong' completely. If you do decide you want to keep it, you need to first think who will be there to support you, what you can do education wise afterwards, and will the dad definitely stay around. A dad is important in a childs life, because he will be their male rolemodel. Of course, you can get one of those from anotherr family member or someone you are close to. My grandad is my rolemodel in life, because I never knew my dad. If you have an abortion, you will need to think about seeking help afterwards, because it is an emotional thing to go through. If you put your child up for adoption, you need to think about whether it is the right thing to do. I have read some stories about adoptetd children being told why they were put up for adoption, to get them to understand that it wasn't because their real parents didn't love them, it was the fact they DID love them that they felt they would be better with a family who could give them the support they really need, and a life they deserved.
I'll come to a close now. Whatever your decision, I'm positive there are people behind you every step of the way, whether it's people you talk to in person or the people here on Gaia. One last thing, you said your mum would be pissed if she found out, right? Well, a friend of mine who is a little older than me recently told her mum she was pregnant. Yes, she's pissed off with her. She didn't speak properly to her for a while, but she stuck behind her. Not all teenagers mums are happy at that sort of news, but not all of them will turn their backs on their own child either. So try to be somewhat positive spirited when you do tell her. Don't think the worse case scenario smile I'd like to know how things go, so keep us posted smile
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Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 9:50 pm
Thanks so much for your two cents, I understand your whys and everything.
I'm going to a pregnancy clinic tomorrow, and getting a blood test done. I'm really hoping this is just a false positive, it would put a lot of worry behind me.
But it isn't, I'm telling my mom, and first explaining that it isn't my best guy friends, cause I've been hanging out a little bit more since this happened.
If she allows, I'm doing an abortion. If not, then either adoption or I'm keeping. It all comes down to all those whatif questions.
I want to get through the blood test first, then I'm going from there.
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Posted: Tue May 02, 2006 9:09 am
Kyra_uk I'm not sure how things are in other countries, but because of the rise in teenage pregnancy here in England, a lot of schools and colleges have support networks for teens to carry on education First of all, I want to wish you the best of luck, Kyra_uk. I'm glad to hear that you are surviving despite the hardships and I hope that you continue to do so and better! Secondly, about this, it depends on the school, but most will have something (colleges). However, I know the nursery at my school is always overbooked because there are so many moms and dads in school. The result is a waiting list over a year long. So that means you pretty much have to apply to it even before you apply to college! What my friend did (two kids, 1 and 3) was tag team the kids with her husband until a spot opened up. So they organized their work and school schedules so that there was always at least one person home. It was hard, but possible. And, of course, then they got in and that problem was solved. I was reading the school newspaper a few months ago and they had this single mom with five children going to my school. Her story was that she was married at 18, wanted to get a start in family life, had two kids, and then her husband decided that he was just too young for all this responsibility and he left her. Then she decided that being a single mom with no higher education just wasn't good enough, so she enrolled at my school. In her first year, she became very close friends with a girl in one of her classes. But that girl had some mental problems (I forget which they said) and committed suicide. She had three children at home, all past the age where they were likely to be adopted. So she took them all in. The article was about how she managed to survive, working, going to school, and taking care of five children. She was given a special permission by the school president because of her "special situation" and could forgo the waiting list for the school nursery. This is all just to say that having a child isn't an automatic "you lose at life." That with a LOT of hard work, anything is possible. Also, remember that you don't have to be in school full time. Most colleges will accept part time students. While it will take you longer to complete your degree, it may make it more affordable for you. Let us know how the exam goes!
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Posted: Tue May 02, 2006 1:11 pm
kukushka: Thanks for your information, I never realised waiting lists could be that long. I know that not all schools have the system, I know my old two secondary schools don't, but the college near my mums has a creche and a wide variety of part time courses and a scheme to help with childcare costs.
I said why I had to quit college originally, but I did get myself into a programme which finished before I had my daughter, and it got me some very useful and widely recognised certificates.
I've only just started learning about some schools having nurseries for the young parents, and because I never needed to use one anyway, I don't know that much.
As for the girls you were talking about, I'm sorry that one found it hard to cope and committed suicide. But I am pleased the other girl took on her children, and I salute her for what she has done. It's a shame to hear her partner decided he wasn't ready for the commitment of children, but it sounds like she has done rather well.
As for my course, I sit an exam after every module, and it was only an eight week course (I've got I believe two more weeks and two more exams to do) And I passed the first three easily smile Though I know most of it anyway, because I use the computer a lot and take things in quickly enough. Having my daughters father around has helped me do the course, and will also help when I get a job in the very near future. At the moment I've got my sights set on admin work, but once Kyra is in full time school, I want to go back and do Childcare. I'd love to have another child before I do that though, but this time Rich (my fiancee) will be there with the next child right from the start, so it will be a lot easier for him to bond and look after him or her. There is reasons why he wasn't always around for Kyra for the first six or so months of her life, but it's not something I wish to go into on here smile
.Water.Whore.
Hope the tests go well. How long will it take to get a result? When you say if your mum allows you to have an abortion, does that mean you need permission because of your age? Here in England, I know you can have an abortion without havnig to tell your parents, unless the doctor thinks you're unfit to make the decision yourself (which is VERY rare)
Whatever you're decision though, think long and hard that it is the right one for you (if you are pregnant, I mean) and I'm sure everyone here will back you 100 percent whatever you decide. I know I will smile
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Posted: Tue May 02, 2006 9:33 pm
I'll go ahead and say it, none of them are pleased. Basically I'm five minutes away from going into my worst depression ever.
My mom was very calm and collect, just telling me the stuff we'll need to do for the baby. Doctors, School, Cash, all in a positive manner.
Then we tell my dad. All I can think about is him treating me like a 5 yr old, "You were a good girl, but now your a bad girl. Bad girls don't get an education, they don't become anything." I'll go ahead and say I get all my mental problems because of the verbal abuse I've taken from him over the years. Luckily they're devoirced and I live with my mom.
She doesn't want to go abortion, or adoption. So I'm keeping the baby. I had already sort of planned that my mom would want me to, so other options weren't really going through my mind.
I jsut really hate that my dad considered this "ruining my life" or already ruined in his opinion. Teenagers get pregnant daily, it's part of life. Hell, it used to be you were married at 12 then had your first child by 16.
This isn't ruining my life, and I won't let it do the same for anyone else.
As for the father, I'm pretty sure he won't hang around much longer when I tell him that I'm keeping it. It's just not something he'd be pleased about. My parents are POed at him, prejudging him, and have said something about pressing charges, but i havne't given names/numbers. I don't think my mom will, but my dads another case.
He was like "I guess I didn't teach you well enough." He's so full of it. He's barely been around, least enough to go tell me to be a daughter to him.
Sure, I decided to have sex, and didn't use anything, and I know it's my fault plus Reagan's. But it's my mistake. They don't have to make it feel like it always will be one.
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