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 Posted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 11:20 am
By the Landover Baptist church: posted on xanga.com!
Spotting Wiccans:
This information could save a Christian life!
Appearance:
Wiccans are generally overweight and of pale complexion. If they are not pale, they use powder or makeup (even the boys!) to generate the illusion of paleness or death. Wiccans are given to the piercing of skin as a sign of submission to their master, Satan. Look for multiple piercing and piercing in peculiar places like the nose, cheeks, eyebrows, lips, fingertips, chin, forehead, tongue, and on the shocking devils tip of the ear! Some Wiccans pierce their genitals as well. If you happen to peek over into the stall next to you and see a urination stream spraying in three directions (to mock the Trinity), it is likely the person is a Wiccan who just had the tip of his p***s carefully pierced by his coven leader. (NOTE: Most coven leaders are either Catholic priests or tattoo parlor owners)
Wiccans are under a contract with Satan to wear black. It is one of the first things they learn when they are indoctrinated into their cult. You can spot them mostly in leather, lace, black fingernail polish, eye makeup, and lipstick. Some Wiccans even wear black underwear! But since you are a Christian, you wont have to see that unless you capture one.
It is a well-known fact that Wiccans only bathe once a month, as such; they have a distinctively unpleasant odor they try to hide by wearing perfumes like patchouli or wolfs bane.
Wiccans wear lots of silver jewelry that is never clean. If you see someone wearing rings, amulets, broaches, or necklaces caked with green mold, most likely that person is a Wiccan.
Skills:
Wiccans usually bring home better grades at school than most of their peers. This is not because they are more intelligent, but rather because they cheat by casting spells and hexes on their teachers. Their master (Satan) is also highly adept at moving their pudgy little fingers in the right direction on a test paper. It is also important to note here that if a Wiccan is sober enough to vote, it will always be for a Democrat. The word "democrat" is closely associated with the word, "demon." Most True Christians commonly refer to Democrats as "Demoncrats" and already keep a firearm handy during election time, so this information might be redundant for some.
Behavior:
Most Wiccans congregate in groups that prey on loners. They are generally a quiet lot because they are constantly thinking about new ways to kidnap True Christian children and drain their bodies of blood. Wiccans like to purchase knives and swords from master Wiccan craftsmen who camp out at Renaissance Festivals (Renaissance Festivals are run by the Catholic Church - LBC Creation Science Vatican Study, 1983, pg 114-127). It's a preference of blade over gun because a good part of their satanic ritual includes a precise cutting of Christian flesh into bite-size Jesus steaks that are oftentimes smoked and cured into what Wiccans jokingly call, "Jesus Jerky." These fat little demons get a real hellish kick out of sitting around their school lunch table, nibbling on Christian flesh while classmates look on unaware.
Wiccans are also known to tear out pages from the Bible (especially pages that have red writing on them). They use them to roll marijuana cigarettes into something they refer to as "a joint."
The Wiccan Bond To Satan:
Most Wiccans will tell you that they don't believe in Satan. Ha! True Christians know you don't have to believe in Satan to follow him. The the truth is that anyone who is not following Jesus, is following Satan whether they believe in him or not. What many young Wiccans don't know is that, like the Mormon Church, the higher ups (Wiccans refer to them as "Elite Warlocks, Blood Guards, and Litch Kings") keep their flock in the dark about the real Satanic Wiccan agenda. You'd think that by drinking all that Christian blood they would know something was amiss! Sadly, most Wiccans have been placed under a trance by their coven leaders and it's only when they reach a certain level in their training that the trance is lifted, and by then it is way too late for any hope!.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What you have just read is an actual article written by the Landover Babtist Church. NONE OF IT IS TRUE.
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Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 11:08 am
Piercings in the fingertips?
That was the funniest thing in the whole article. rofl
I don't see how it made you mad though. It's just Christian bullshit. Just laugh at it, then move on, safe in the knowledge that they're blatently ********>
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Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 11:10 am
Ok, I've actually read the whole thing now.
It's obviously fake, just a rip-off of the "Is Your Child A Gothic?" letter that went around.
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Posted: Fri May 05, 2006 7:27 pm
I mean WTF?
This may shock some of you but I am christian (rip me if you will) but I am completetly sickened and disagree completely with this stereotype.
Flippin...I have no idea how to insult them; their just not worth it and I shouldn't have to stoop to that level.
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Posted: Mon May 22, 2006 3:47 pm
Thats the funniest thing ive read in a while..... xd
ninja Mummy.... Can i get my fingertips pierced for my birthday?? ninja
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Posted: Sun May 28, 2006 11:17 am
lol that was awsome lol good to know I serve Satan since I'm Wiccan lol and oddly enough I am fat and maybe I should tunr this priest dude into "Jesus jerky" lol jk!
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Posted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 7:45 am
blaugh lol rofl pirate
Ha
Can you actually pierce your fingertips?
And why would you want to?
rolleyes
heart Marli Kay
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Posted: Sat Jul 08, 2006 9:01 pm
comical, comical stuff here. wink
maybe someone should write an article on how to tell if your kid is emo.
if you see scars on your child's wrist, then she is emo. emo
who makes these anyway question
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Posted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 9:45 pm
i think the fingertip percings would get in the way?
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Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 5:05 am
Viselle Piercings in the fingertips?
That was the funniest thing in the whole article. rofl
I don't see how it made you mad though. It's just Christian bullshit. Just laugh at it, then move on, safe in the knowledge that they're blatently ******** class="clear">
same here with the fingertips thing. LOL
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Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 11:57 am
Heh. "Jesus Jerky" ? Wtf. Either someones trying to make fun of Christians or this church is very...very...very...VERY stupid. But seriously, Jesus Jerky sounds like a snack at Bible Camp. heh.
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Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 9:33 am
rofl
I do hope you all realize that the landover Baptist curch is a tongue-in-cheek parody of religious zelots...
It is actually a hystarical web site to tell the truth.
Tell me y'all didn't believe the Banzai kitten page as well....
lol
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Posted: Mon Oct 16, 2006 9:59 am
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Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 12:24 pm
Tetsai Heh. "Jesus Jerky" ? Wtf. Either someones trying to make fun of Christians or this church is very...very...very...VERY stupid. But seriously, Jesus Jerky sounds like a snack at Bible Camp. heh. lol it does. that article doesnt really bother me... im not one of those ppl but it doesn't bother me  im bored
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Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 10:48 am
hahaahaaa.. i cant take this psycho bable crap seriously.. "Some Wiccans even wear black underwear!"
oh noes! - its the end of the world when people start wearing black underwear!!! gonk burning_eyes
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