Frowning and rubbing at her eyes, Saiph followed Cuan deeper into a dimly lit cavern. Cuan had found this place on the last visit and the Mauvian had been terribly excited for Saiph to see it. Soft lichens and tiny clusters of softly glowing crystals scattered across the cave walls. If she hadn’t been so tired or felt so harangued into coming back up here, she would have been far more interested in the surroundings. All she could really think about was the bed she’d left behind. As it was, she simply stumbled after her catgirl companion.
“What’s so important that you had to drag me out of bed and bring me here, Cuan?” she asked testily. She was trying to not be too grumpy, but it was difficult. “What’s going on?”
The Mauvian, for her part, took a long moment before answering. She was intent on going deeper into the cave, following a source of light that Saiph couldn’t place. “Well, I… I have someone that I think you need to talk to and I’m not sure how much time they have to chat. I didn’t want to waste whatever time can be wrung out for this, you see,” she explained. Then, they rounded a rocky wall and Cuan brightened. “Ah! Here we go. Don’t be afraid, dearest. Go say hello…”
Sighing and acting much put upon, Saiph stumbled towards the center of this new part of the cave. “I’m still not used to you looking like a people, Cuan,” she half complained. And she really wasn’t. It was weird as ******** to see a girl slightly shorter than herself, but bearing Cuan’s eyes and mannerisms waiting near the cavern mouth. “Who’s so important that they can’t wait a couple more hours for the sun to at least come up? And what do you mean say hello? There’s no one but us he…. Oh…” Saiph’s voice trailed off as there was a flash of light from a frisbee sized, metal and glass disc on the ground. Suddenly, she was confronted by a short, curvy woman with wavy, lime green hair and warm, golden eyes. Who… happened to be mildly translucent. Glancing from apparition to Cuan and back, Saiph felt her mouth open and close several times as she tried to process what, exactly, was going on. The apparition, for her part, looked amused and actually smiled before beckoning Saiph to come a little closer.
“Hey, kiddo. Don’t look so scared! I’m not that scary looking, am I? I guess I should do the polite thing and introduce myself though, huh. I’m Sa1ph and it’s lovely to meet you,” her voice had the tiniest echo to it. As if she was speaking down a tunnel. From underground…
“Cuan,” hissed Saiph, feeling the fine hairs on her arm standing bolt upright. “What the actual ********… How…? Who is…? What did you do?!?”
She hadn’t missed the apparition’s name, even if she’d heard the tiniest pronunciation difference. She knew, roughly, how reincarnations were supposed to go. But she’d never, in her wildest dreams, expected to come face to face with her own ghost. And Cuan, infuriatingly, remained completely calm and nodded encouragingly to her.
“Just talk to her. I promise, it will be okay. Just talk to her, Saiph. Please.”
Just talk to her? Just talk to her? Saiph was aghast for a moment and seriously considered bolting from the cavern when the ghost, Sa1ph, chuckled softly. The sound was so warm, so human that it startled the chibi senshi into stillness. Sa1ph beckoned again and this time, Saiph took two hesitant steps closer.
“Did I swear that much when I was your age? I’d like to think we’re more creative than the standard swears,” Saiph laughed, mouth open in a friendly grin. The ghost seemed to sit on the ground, waving for Saiph to come and sit beside her. “And don’t be annoyed with Cuan, kid. She worked very hard on this. Well, on me, I guess is the more accurate.” Cuan had worked on her? Saiph took another step forward, cautiously sinking to the ground just in front of Sa1ph. “Just talk to me. I promise there really isn’t anything you can say that’s going to make me judge you. Though, you might judge me a little. But that’s okay. Maybe I need to be judged.”
Still reeling from the admission that Cuan had somehow created this walking, talking ghost, Saiph blinked and spoke fumblingly. “I… you… we… Why would you need to be judged? Who are you?”
The hologram shrugged, apparently quite at ease. “I told you. I’m Sa1ph. But I’m also you. Or you’re me. Honestly, I’m a little confused on that part,” Sa1ph said cheerfully. Then, her expression grew serious and she seemed to sigh. “I’m not sure why the Cauldron spat us back out so soon, it usually doesn’t work that way.” Sa1ph looked concerned for a moment before smiling again, this time looking apologetic as she spread her translucent hands and shrugged. “So. I don’t know how long I can stick around and I can tell you have a lot of questions. We should really make the best of the time we have to talk. I left you in a bit of a mess, didn’t I? Let me help you and make it a little more right. Besides, how many other senshi get this sort of opportunity?”
That question gave Saiph’s babbling mind a moment of pause. The apparition was right, how many people of any sort got this sort of chance? And now that she was sitting and actually looking, she saw small things that reminded her of the Queen Serenity projection on the moon. Only Sa1ph seemed more… present? Less remote. It was weird but not unwelcome. “I guess… not a lot. This is really weird. I’m not really sure what to ask or say. Are… are you really who I was before?” she asked, voice hesitant.
Sa1ph smiled and nodded in approval. “Atta girl. Let’s start off nice and easy. I’m sure Cuan explained how senshi rebirth is meant to work, right?” she paused, waiting to see if that statement was refuted or not. At Saiph’s tiny nod, the apparition continued, “Okay, good. The short answer is yes. But also no. You’re your own person, little sister. You’re no more Gabbie than I am Esfir. But, we’re both Saiph. It’s all in our starseed. It’s just a little harder for you because Sailor Saiph came back too soon. So, you have some of my memories. But if I’d stuck around a little longer, I would have experienced much older memories. Does that make sense?”
Nothing about any of this made any sense, Saiph thought. Her chest felt tight for a moment, the way she’d often heard panic attacks described. One hand fluttered up to press against her sternum, just above where she’d always been told starseeds rested. “But it’s the same starseed. Shouldn’t that mean I’m you on some level? I’m seeing your memories! I saw Iya and I saw us almost kill Hem…” as she spoke, she became more and more agitated, the memories of a young Negaverse officer being tossed to and fro by wild, violent magic surging to the front of her mind. She could still hear the crack of bone and his panicked cries… But, before she could fall back into the despair that accompanied the memory, Sa1ph held up a hand and gave her a stern glare.
“Hematite. You can say his name, sis,” she said before that stern look fell off of her face and was replaced by something Saiph identified as twisting guilt. “Yeah, that wasn’t the best day I’d ever had. I never did stop feeling guilty for what happened. I never stopped mourning Iya, either. It felt like there was always something else I could have done that day. Tell me, how much of that day have you remembered? Be honest with me. It’s important.”
The entreaty in the hologram’s voice hit hard. It was the tone and cadence of someone who had never stopped hurting and feeling sorry for the things she’d done. It was that sense of need that made Saiph close her eyes, trying to dredge up the exact memories she’d seen. Though, she did crack open one eye and say, “I… this is very weird, you know.”
Sa1ph’s apologetic, “Yeah, I know,” went a long way to helping her settle down enough to work on her recall. “But trust me. Just take it nice and easy and treat it like you’re telling me about a dream you had. Because, in a way, that’s kind of what it is. Just a dream.”
Just a dream, huh? Well, she’d come this far. “Okay. Sure. Fine. I saw other people, other senshi gathering around a massive tree and a handful of green skinned aliens. They were all so upset and scared and trying so hard to heal the Maikuju. I felt so sorry for them. And the tree scooped the littlest one up into its branches and held her there. I just… I just…” Saiph’s voice dropped off, her throat feeling thick as the waves of grief and guilt crashed over her.
“We just wanted to help,” Sa1ph’s voice answered gently, full of understanding that came close to completely undoing the girl’s fragile sense of composure. “To protect them. Go on.”
“I was climbing the tree, I just wanted to get to Iya and get her free and help her down. She was crying. She was so afraid…” She could see the little tear-streaked, green face so clearly. And she hadn’t been able to do a damned thing about it. “I haven’t remembered much past that. But every time I think of her I feel like I failed so badly. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t save them.”
The dejection in her voice echoed softly, almost mockingly through the cavern. She had to look down for a moment at her fists clenched so tightly as they rested on her knees. When she could look up again, she could see her own anger and pain reflecting back at her from Sa1ph’s eyes. The hologram’s face softened then and Sa1ph heaved an enormous sigh.
“I see. So you have some of the emotions, but without a lot of the context,” she said musingly. Then, those golden eyes sharpened and Saiph saw a steely determination there. “Look me in the eye and listen close, little sister,” she began in an implaccable voice. “None of what happened after is your fault. None of it. It wasn’t even my fault. If you ever recover the full memory, please remember that. Impossible choices were made for us that day, even if we would have preferred it otherwise. The emotions will be hard and so painful but you have to remember that none of it is our fault. If you have to assign blame, put it securely where it belongs: on the shoulders of the ones who encouraged atrocities,” Sa1ph’s voice went soft and the regret hung thick in the air between them. Saiph wasn’t sure how a hologram could feel regret, but… Sa1ph so clearly did. “We did our best that day, sis. Sometimes… sometimes that isn’t enough. Even if I wish it could have been. Tell me what else you’ve remembered.”
Hesitantly, as if worried that she was about to mention something taboo, Saiph answered, “I saw us telling Natasha about, well... About us. The truth. I didn’t think that was something we were supposed to do.”
“Well,” Sa1ph sighed and shrugged, light rippling across her face. “It was a risk and not one I really liked taking. Natasha was my aunt. She raised me after my mom left and my father passed away. I was all she had left and I couldn’t keep going out and taking all those risks while leaving her in the dark. I needed her to know so if she ever needed help, she knew who she could talk to.”
Something clicked inside of Saiph’s mind and she blurted out, “Wait, you mean like Prince Castor?”
The hologram blinked and looked startled as if those two words together were an impossibility. “Prince Castor?!?” she croaked out. “Since when is Castor a Prince? I mean, yes, he was probably one of the people I’d said she could trust because she’d met him when he came to pick me up for a couple dates… But no, I meant people like Corvus, Alshain. People that I knew beyond a doubt had my back. But how do you know about Castor?” she asked, interest showing in her expression.
Looking slightly embarrassed, Saiph stared at the ground and scraped her fingertips along the rocky surface. “I met him not long after I’d first awakened. He was nice and he told me that I reminded him a lot of you,” she finally answered. “He looked and sounded so sad about it though.”
Nodding, Sa1ph looked thoughtful, as if she was sifting through old memories. “I see. Yes, I guess he would have been sad, we were friends. Not as close as me and Alkaid or Corvus, though. Have you had memories of them?” She looked expectant, almost hopeful. Her face fell a little at Saiph’s tiny headshake. “No? Well, as far as I know, nothing bad ever happened to Corvus. But when you remember Alkaid, Khalla,” Sa1ph paused, clearly psyching herself up for something. Then, she resumed speaking, her voice carefully blank. It read as faking a lack of emotion. “I’m going to have to ask you to be kind to yourself. Because none of that was our fault either. And don’t look at me like that,” Sa1ph snapped mildly, arching an eyebrow. “She didn’t die in front of me or anything. But she vanished one day and I couldn’t find her. And when I did see her again, she was fighting side by side with the Negaverse. I don’t think she remembered who I was.”
How a hologram could sound so sad was beyond Saiph. Queen Serenity had sounded equally sad sometimes. And something about that sadness struck a chord within Saiph and she said, voice agonized, “Jesus, do we have any happy memories? Was everything about us a shitshow?”
Shaken from her own seemingly morose mood, Sa1ph glanced up sharply and snorted before exclaiming, “Of course there are happier memories. I remember coming up here once and I actually had a memory of my own. I was tormenting some diplomat’s brat of a child while my parents talked with theirs. It was entertaining,” there was a sense of smugness in her voice. As if the memory of her past life self’s teasing a kid was just the best ever. Then, her expression softened and her golden eyes went dreamy. “And there’s Alshain…” Sa1ph paused, carefully looked Saiph up and down before continuing breezily, “whiiiich I am not going to say much about because you are way too damn young and frankly, I hope whatever controls the memories we get will keep those ones on the backburner for a while longer. And the quiet times with Khalla before she was taken. Look, kiddo, just because you haven’t seen them yet doesn’t mean everything was bad. I mean, this is a life you’re getting glimpses into, you know? Like any life, there’s good and bad.”
The sudden veering into philosophical territory jolted Saiph. She felt her face get warm as her anger and sadness and fear rose up and lashed out, “Yes, great, philosophy is what I really need when everything about me is wrong and I hate powering up! It’s too much awfulness to see and know about and know how absolutely ******** useless I am at making anything better or right! How…” the chibi senshi paused in her rant, aware that the hologram had surged toward her until she was kneeling in a protective posture, shimmering arms thrown around the girl. She would have expected to feel nothing. But somehow… somehow, she felt that embrace as warm, almost buzzy points of contact. Looking startled she glanced up, tears oozing from her eyes as she stared into the brighter gold of Sa1ph’s. “How are you hugging me?”
Rather than answer right away, the hologram stayed where she was, one glowing hand reaching up to gently ‘stroke’ Saiph’s hair. “Oh, little sister. You really were put through the wringer far too early.” She paused, making soft, comforting noises under her breath. The hand that had been stroking her hair moved until Sa1ph was holding an extended forefinger towards her face. Then, much to Saiph’s confusion, the hologram booped her nose, smiling sadly. “Sshhh, just breathe. I got you. And how do we do any of the strange things we do? Magic, of course. But that’s not important right now.” It wasn’t? It seemed pretty damn important to Saiph. Holograms weren’t supposed to be felt. But before she could protest, Sa1ph continued, voice still gentle. Firm. And far more understanding than Saiph would have ever thought possible. “You’re drowning in hurt and shame and fear and some of that is my fault, I’m afraid. I never really stopped and confronted my own shame and fear. I never tried to give myself grace. I just piled the blame on. I was too weak, too cowardly, too guilt ridden for the things I could not change or prevent. And it nearly killed one boy. Hell, it nearly killed me a few times.” Sa1ph paused, embracing her again, tightly before holding up a hand to forestall anything Saiph could say. “Sshhh. Let me finish. I let all that guilt and all those doubts rule me. I was far too close to becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy regarding how out of control and dangerous I was. I won’t let that happen to you,” the ferocity in that promise took Saiph by surprise. It was almost like having a big sister again. The chibi senshi went still, simply listening as the hologram spoke. “We share a starseed, little sister. But that doesn’t make us the same person. My turn to ask questions, now. How did you get this snakey looking scar? Tell me about it.”
Saiph felt the same odd, buzzy sensation as Sa1ph trailed a finger along the scar winding up her arm. Looking down at it, she sighed and did her best to explain, certain that she sounded insane. “My scar? We went up to space, all of us. Senshi, Negaverse people, dark mirrors and knights. We had to. A giant, world eating snake was coming for the Earth. We… we fought it and finally managed to weaken it enough to seal away so it can’t come back. But it generated weird lightning and some of it hit me and left the scar. I know it sounds crazy, but I swear it happened!”
Nothing in Sa1ph's face indicated belief or doubt. She simply looked thoughtful as she asked, “Were you scared?”
Thinking back to that night and all the confusion and uncertainty, Saiph answered quietly, “I thought we were all going to die.”
Nodding, the hologram shifted position so that they were sitting side by side, her translucent arm wrapped around the younger senshi’s shoulders. “So why keep fighting in that case? Why not give up?”
It was a reasonable question and one that she’d asked herself plenty of times before and during that fight. Even so, it made her angry and she hissed, “Because there was the chance we could save Earth! And who knows how many other planets and galaxies! We had to try! I had to try. My family is there,” that last was nearly whispered. She couldn’t have given up on her family, no matter how tiny and broken.
Sa1ph seemed to not notice her outburst, instead pursuing a new line of questioning. “And your magic. How did it do?”
Snorting mirthlessly, Saiph half shrugged. Her magic was a bit of a sore spot. As it was now, it was next thing to useless. Except… “It acted like it always does. Weak little nudges,” she said, voice pensive. “Except a little bit before we had to go confront the snake. I’d been visiting, you know, here. And while I was here I saw such weird lightning storms and some of it hit me. I got a snake mark that time too. But it affected my magic. Like… a lot.”
Even admitting that much felt like she’d just copped to being a useless kid. Still, Sa1ph’s interest never wavered and she tipped her head to the side, lime green hair cascading over a shoulder. “Oh? How so? Also, seriously?” she asked with a chuckle. “Are you moonlighting as a lightning rod or something?”
Refusing to engage with the hologram’s attempt at joking around, Saiph sighed and slumped in on herself, as if afraid she was about to be harshly reprimanded. “It made it stronger. Like scary strong. I tore chunks out of trees and earth. If anyone had been in the way…” her voice trailed off, her face paling at the thought of if a person had been in that destructive path.
Nodding once, Sa1ph seemed to sigh again as she looked almost reluctant to speak. Which meant that whatever she had to say was going to be hard to hear. Great.
“Which,” the hologram began. “I suppose, brings us back around to Hematite. So, you saw us almost kill him. But did you see any of the other things going on around us?” Saiph shook her head slightly. All she’d seen was a boy being tumbled through terrible magic and badly hurt. “Because, yes, our magic is what damn near swallowed him up, but we had Nerissa’s magic hitting at the same time and kind of… making the situation worse.” Saiph sat upright, staring at the hologram. Nerissa? Who the ******** was Nerissa? She hadn’t seen anyone else in that memory but herself and Hematite! “If it had just been me involved, I don’t think things would have been so dire. He still would have been hurt, maybe even gotten a bone or two broken if I’d hit him just right. But it wouldn’t have been as bad as what actually happened. I’m guessing that you saw Hematite after the fight with this snake monster? And that’s part of what’s got you so freaked out?”
She sounded so understanding! Saiph looked down at the ground for a moment, considering. When she looked back up, she was tearing up again. “I don’t want to hurt people…”
Once more, Sa1ph enveloped her in a hug, rocking slightly as she planted a gentle forehead kiss on the chibi senshi that felt like a jolt of static. “Oh, sweetheart, I know. Believe me, I know. Maybe better than anyone,” Sa1ph said slowly, voice sorrowful. “And I can’t promise that no one is ever going to be hurt, that’s not realistic. But you seem a lot more composed than I ever was. I think you’re going to be a lot smarter about where and how you use your power. You’ve already done so much more than I ever did and you’re a lot younger than I was. I was just a rolling, raging ball of shame and anger and regret. I don’t want that for you.”
How, Saiph thought, could a hologram sound so human and loving? It was enough to make her tear up again, this time with added sniffling. “But we…”
Before she could finish her thought, Sa1ph hugged her again and began speaking with a fierce protectiveness. “We are not the same person, Esfir. We share a senshi’s starseed and a senshi’s name and power set. There’s a bit of memory bleed over and maybe we share some commonalities. But that doesn’t make me you or you me.” The hologram smiled slightly, though her expression reminded Saiph of the way a mother bear tended to her cub. “Look at me, Chibi Saiph and don’t be so stubborn about this. I know it’s scary and uncomfortable to see memories that aren't yours. Especially given that the memories happened in places you go to or see almost every day. And I am so, so sorry that this burden’s been placed on you. But that will never make you a copy of me.” Sa1ph paused before repeating emphatically, “Never.”
Giving up on holding her fraying emotions in check, Saiph buried her face in her hands, wailing, “But I’m so scared! When I feel the memories, I’m the one feeling everything! The boost in power after I got hit by the lightning was terrifying and then I saw Hematite and what we did and… and… I don’t want to lose control like that! What if I lose control? I don’t want to be a... a…”
“An out of control monster?” Sa1ph asked gently, arching an eyebrow at the girl’s reaction, continuing in a dry voice, “Don’t look like I just kicked Cuan in front of you, sis. That’s the little bit of me still in your starseed. I thought that same thing plenty of times about myself. So it’s really not surprising that my self loathing is bleeding into you.” Sa1ph looked apologetic, sad. Then, “But let me ask you this, do you think I was a monster? Truthfully? Pretend like you’re looking at this from a completely objective point of view. Like if we were talking about some other person entirely. Would you think they were a monster if they’d told you everything we’ve just talked about?”
Would she? It was something worth considering. Even if she didn’t have an answer just yet. So, rather than try to bluster her way though, she answered truthfully, “I… I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t. If I think about it like I’m not involved and just watching a story… Monsters don’t try to help people who tried to hurt them, like with Iya.” Saiph spoke slowly, clearly thinking about her words. She hadn’t really ever considered things from this particular angle before. “I don’t think monsters would feel so bad about someone like Iya. Or even Hematite? If you were a monster, I don’t think you’d feel half as bad as you do. But what happens when I’m not a chibi anymore and my magic gets stronger?”
Sa1ph actually threw her head back at that and laughed, startling the chibi. It wasn’t a cruel laugh though. It was more like they were sharing some weird derpy moment. “It’ll get stronger, that’s all. The magic is a tool, Esfir,” Sa1ph went on to say, her expression satisfied, as if some breakthrough had been made. “Nothing more. It doesn’t make you more or less moral than you were before. It won’t make you a monster. The memory of my experiences won’t make you a monster. The only way that could happen is if you stopped caring about the people around you and your effect on them. I…” Sa1ph’s voice skipped for a moment, her form flickering a moment. Like static on a TV screen. “Oh balls.”
Saiph watched and pushed herself to her feet, taking a step closer to the hologram as if to inspect her, “Umm… why are you flickering like that? Are you okay?”
It was a fair question given that Sa1ph herself seemed a little put out by whatever had just happened. And there was an urgency in her face and voice that hadn’t been there before. “I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of time left to talk,” the hologram explained gently. “I can feel my programming degrading, so we need to make what time I have left count.”
She could feel her programming degrading? What the hell was that supposed to mean? Looking aghast, Saiph blurted out, “What, so you’re just going to die? Again?” The chibi winced at that. She sounded like a callous brat trying to cause hurt. But somehow, Sa1ph didn’t seem to take offence. Instead, the hologram looked mildly pensive, as if considering an interesting problem.
When she finally answered, it was in a thoughtful, measured voice. “In a sense, I suppose. It doesn’t hurt, I promise. It just means that the time we have to talk is limited and I want to make sure that you’ll be all right after I’m gone.” She must have seen something in Saiph’s face because the hologram paused and smiled. “You’re sweet to look so stricken, but it really is all right.”
Aware of just how whiny and selfish she would appear, Saiph still couldn’t stop the words that poured out. Especially when she saw Sa1ph flicker again. “But I only just met you and I still don’t understand so much.” There was still so much they could talk about! Still so many questions and concerns that they hadn’t had a chance to get to yet! Sa1ph couldn’t just ******** go!
Sa1ph must have seen every little twitch of facial muscle and unvoiced protest that hovered on the chibi senshi’s lips. Because she said, in a very firm voice while holding up a hand, “That, little sister, is just how life works. You don’t need me, you know. Not really.” Saiph couldn’t keep from looking like she was on the verge of a meltdown upon hearing that. Yet, before she could protest, the hologram sighed and stood up, brushing at her skirts. It was such a human thing to do… “Or, at least,” she added in a softer voice. “Not to help you decide the type of person you’re going to be. Now,” Sa1ph ordered, voice crisp and bracing as she spoke quickly, as if wanting to hammer as many points home as possible. “Listen to me and believe. You’re no more a monster than I was. We both got shoved into a war that we never wanted. We never asked for this power or responsibility. For whatever reason, the Cauldron chose to cycle our starseed though a lot faster than is usual. None of that makes you or I monsters. Sometimes,” Sa1ph’s voice grew soft, reflective, almost sad, “bad things happen and I hate that it happens. But it doesn’t make us bad or monstrous.”
It seemed like every time she got herself under some form of control, Sa1ph managed to say something that broke her down and drew out her tears. This time was no different. In a half whisper, voice beginning to choke with tears, Saiph asked, “Then, what am I if I’m not you?”
Flickering again, Sa1ph suddenly smiled brightly. Almost as if she’d just won some game that Saiph didn’t understand the rules to and was pleased as punch over it. “Little sister. You’ve always been Esfir Marin. Yes, you are also Chibi Saiph, Senshi of the Primordial, but a shared title doesn’t make you anyone but your own amazing self.” Sa1ph paused, as if wanting to let that sink in. That she really believed that her successor was amazing. “Frankly, if we must compare, I think you’re already better than I ever was. Braver too.” Sa1ph nodded, enforcing her point. Then, she looked sheepish and gave a little self-deprecating laugh. “I’m not sure that I could go through an existential crisis and still be able to power up in order to go and fight an eldritch horror in order to save the universe. Think about that for a moment.”
Trying to force herself into viewing things objectively, Saiph found herself forced to agree with the hologram’s assessment. At least in part. She wasn’t sure she deserved praise for doing what, at the time, had seemed to be the right thing to do. But she had done the thing in spite of her fear and conviction that they would all die. Sighing, she wiped the back of her hand across her watering eyes. “I’m still afraid though.”
If a hologram could ever be said to relax, Sa1ph did. Her shoulders slumped slightly as if a great deal of tension had been removed. Smiling, she reached out to ruffle Saiph’s hair. Though Saiph only felt the warmth and gentle buzzing near her skin. “That just makes you human, sis. It’s okay to be afraid.” Why that particular statement should hit her so hard, Saiph never knew. But it felt like it had unlocked something inside, some deep worry and assumption that she had to be better than human. She watched, eyes going wide as Sa1ph began to flicker rapidly. “Being a senshi never meant you’re supposed to be all knowing and suddenly without any flaws. If it did, I don’t think we’d be standing here talking. Lo-loo-look,” Sa1ph continued, her otherwise warm voice sounding almost metallic for a moment. “Can you do me a favor? It’ll seem small and silly, but I know you can do it.” Saiph nodded. “Good girl. The next time you’re here to visit and have a memory, I want you to treat it like a dream. Remind yourself that the person those events happened to isn’t you. Keep reminding yourself until it sticks.” Sa1ph was right, the chibi thought. The request did seem small and silly, but she could see the wisdom in it. “You’re already so much stronger and braver and wiser than I ever was… I think our starseed is in the best of h-ha-hands,” Sa1ph finished, for a moment sounding like a glitching robot as her entire image suddenly resembled a cartoonish, jagged static form.
Swallowing hard, Saiph nodded. “I’ll… I’ll try. I promise. But, umm…” How did one tell the holographic ghost of the person that had once born your starseed that they were glitching to hell? It was kind of difficult to sound neutral in such an instance. “You just flickered really bad. Are you sure it doesn’t hurt?”
The hologram smiled, though parts of her face went in and out of focus like bad video game graphics. “I’m sure. We only have a few more minutes, I think.” Sa1ph’s voice had lost most of its humanity. She sounded like something almost mechanical that was trying very hard indeed to sound human. Even so, Saiph tried to reach out, tried to hold those flickering, insubstantial hands… “So I w-wa-want you to listen and remember what I’m a-ab-about to s-sa-say.” The glitching was getting worse by the moment. “And b-be-believe. You are more than w-wor-worthy of being Sailor S-Sa-Saiph.” Saiph’s breath caught in her throat at that and she fought to swallow down a sob. “You are so g-go-good and brave. You’re g-go-going to be so much better than I e-ev-ever was…” Sa1ph seemed to gather herself for a moment, managing to appear solid and whole for a moment, her voice losing some of its robotic inflection, though the stammer remained. The hologram reached out and caught the chibi senshi up in what would have been a bear hug from anyone else. Saiph felt the warmth and soft buzzy jolts. It was then that she realized that she was taller than Sa1ph. Only by a couple of inches, but it felt strange. How could a kid like her be bigger than the OG? As she looked down, Sa1ph seemed to have glittering tears in her own eyes as she tipped her head back slightly and stood on her toes to once more kiss Saiph’s forehead. “And I c-co-could not be more p-pr-proud of you!”
That had been the last thing she would have ever expected to hear from the former Saiph. And it unlocked a torrent of tears and frantic sobs as she tried to think of some way to slow or halt the degradation of Sa1ph’s programming. “Wait! Please don’t go yet! Please! I’m not ready…”
Sa1ph had already taken a step back, her glitching face radiating pride and love and something that Saiph couldn’t decipher. Her hollow, metallic voice was fading even as the image did the same. Sa1ph raised a hand to her lips and blew a kiss to the chibi senshi, a final benediction. “Y-Yo-You have t-th-this, sis. I b-be-believe in y-yo-you-ou. T-th-thank-k y–yo-youuoouuu,” the image failed before the voice and the final echo of those words hung in the air for a millisecond after Sa1ph had vanished.
Feeling as if a fist had driven itself into her gut, Saiph heard herself howling in grief even as she dropped to the ground and scrabbled, trying to find anything that could bring the program back to life. “s**t! No! Cuan, bring her back,” Saiph ordered desperately. She felt a tiny, soft brush of coarse fur as Cuan, having shed her human form for the moment, stepped forward and reared up on her hind legs to rub her cheek along Saiph’s, purring comfortingly. Seizing the kitten up, Saiph buried her face in Cuan’s side even as the little lykoi spoke, her own voice sad.
“I can’t, Saiph. She told you herself that her programming was degrading. I wish I could have given you both more time, but some things, even Mauvian tech can’t do…” The regret was palpable and Saiph knew that Cuan was telling her the absolute truth. The kitten really couldn’t do anything for Sa1ph. “I’m sorry. But she was right, you know. You really are so good and brave. Though I may have to differ with our friend on one point.” Cuan had wriggled just enough to crawl onto Saiph’s shoulder and perch there for a moment, her purr rumbling in the girl’s ear. “You’re already an exemplary senshi and I think you always have been. I’m so proud of you too, Saiph. I hope someday you can see what we do.”
There was a wistfulness in the Mauvian’s voice as if she would understand if Saiph never saw or understood what a little cat and the hologram of a dead senshi had seen in her. And there was love too. So much so that Saiph found herself crying again, though more gently this time. After a few moments, she felt Cuan jump down from her shoulder and wiped a hand across her eyes, forcing herself to breathe and calm down. And when she spoke, her voice was ragged, but with the thinnest sliver of steel underneath. “I think… I think I’m going to try, Cuan. Was she telling the truth, though? I mean about us not being the same person.” This was the point that had worried her the most, though many of those fears had been allayed. Still. “I’m really only me?”
Sitting primly on the ground before Saiph, Cuan tilted her head, this way and that, clearly studying her senshi. Finally, the kitten smiled and said purringly, “You’re really only you, my dear. You always have been.” Cuan’s tail began to twitch and lash the air as her tone became more authoritative. “As Sa1ph said, those memories are, for you, more of a dream than anything you’ve actually experienced. In this case, they’re just something like a shared dream, I suppose. Something that you can choose to think on and learn from or simply pack away and ignore.” Standing up, Cuan took a step closer to her senshi and reached out a tiny paw to lay it upon the girl’s knee. Then, looking up with bright, blue-green eyes, she said, quite forcefully, “And whichever you decide, I will always be here to help you. You have my word on that.”
Reaching down, Saiph gently scratched just behind the kitten’s ears, incredibly touched by her declaration. For a moment, both sat there, eyes closed, simply enjoying the moment. Then, a soft glow reaching through her eyelids caused Saiph to open her eyes and let out a startled yelp. “Umm… Cuan. Your, uh. Your forehead is glowing.”
Eyes flying open, Cuan actually went cross-eeyd for a moment as she tried very hard to see her own forehead. “My forehead is doing what now? Is there a mirror in your subspace? I can’t feel anything and I can’t see!”
Reaching for her subspace, Saiph reached inside and pulled things out until, finally, a small handheld compact came out. Opening it as rapidly as she could, she watched as the star upon Cuan’s forehead seemed to writhe before vanishing and then reappearing as something else entirely. “Just a second… Here! Your star changed, Cuan. Why did it change? And why is it my symbol?”
Staring into the small mirror, Cuan studied the new symbol upon her forehead before saying in a musing voice, “Goodness, it is your symbol, isn’t it…” She seemed to consider what she saw before suddenly smiling, her tiny, white fangs bared in a sort of triumph. “It means, my dear, that I am your bonded Mauvian. Whatever the future may bring, you and I are going to face it together. Right?”
Something in the Mauvian’s smile pulled a lever within Saiph’s soul. She found herself grinning back through a dirty and tear streaked face, nodding in complete agreement. “Right.” Then, with a musing hesitancy, she asked, “Cuan, do we have enough time for an errand?”
Cuan had turned her attention back to the mirror, quite clearly admiring her newly formed symbol of loyalty to her senshi. “I suppose so? It depends on the errand, I think.” The kitten turned from the mirror to give her senshi a curious look. “What do you have in mind?”
Taking a deep breath, Saiph made a gesture that somehow encompassed both cavern and world. “I think… I think I want to stay here for a little longer. I think I need to face those memories. Is that okay?”
Loud, approving purrs accompanied this wish as Cuan nodded and stood. Stretching carefully, the kitten gave Saiph a warm smile. “More than okay, my dear. And yes, we have plenty of time. Are we going back to where we left the packs?”
Nodding in turn, Saiph took a moment to look around the cavern. It was a beautiful place in its way, but she didn’t want to face her memories here. Her grief over Sa1ph still felt too raw and she didn’t want it coloring whatever she might see. Going back out into the sun and trees was a better choice. “Yes. I want to do it, before I can get scared and talk myself out of it. If I’m as good and brave as people say, then this is something I have to do.”
Ugh, it sounded so stupid and teen drama when she said the words out loud. Even if they were true. Getting to her feet, she followed Cuan’s example and stretched. Then, she turned to face Cuan and watched her expectantly. To her pleasure, the kitten merely smiled and began to lead the way out from the cavern.
“Then, let’s go back,” Cuan chuffed.
Word Count = 7152
Reply
