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‘It’s easy — just text him!!’

Waru had the night before — flying down the interstate — hooking a turn —- texting through a blurr of guilt and doubt.

It’d been simple:

Minimal emojis, a chicken, a sunrise, a few exclamation points.

Sent — done — had it ever been received? Had he been left on read? As he leaned up against the back wall of a walk in, Waru wondered.

Said ‘******** that’, to himself, in muffled all caps. He texted Aelius again:

The spam of emojis was easier to send this time, mostly involving sad rain clouds and a singular stegosaurus.

Because that was the cute one!

Because he didn’t want to wake Aelius, or anyone else, didn’t wanna ruin the guys day if he was still sleeping the s**t night off.

‘That I caused…’.

He’d already tried the one call without being able to see who was on the other line, he wasn’t managing it a second time; texting was fine, and talking was fine — but he wanted to see Aelius face.

So he did, the instant that curt feeling [Yes] blinked back in response?

Button hit, face-time equivalent activated— Waru held his breath as the bouncy little connect tone tittered in the clothing and shoe ensconced space he’d sequestered himself into. His face lit by only the flow of his phone and the low strip lighting of—-

He didn’t know what to call it? Like runway lights for clothing, the kind a person only saw in movie theater ailes or car undercarriages n such. It’d blipped on when he’d entered, dimmed when he’d touched a dial; more warm red to white than his screen's blue.

The echo that would’ve been, was muffled instead by all the things around him; he held his breath as he waited for acceptance, for everything to go through, t’see Aelius’s face n say the words he should’ve said last night, or at least take the chance to swallow what he’d said back whole—-

“Is it really still a pleasure?” And he winced when he shifted, at how he sounded, for the ache of trying to get comfortable. No matter how large a walk-in, a closet was still a closet.

“I just—“ as he blew out a breath he settled for laying on his chest across the floor, holding the phone so Aelius could have his whole face, if nothing else? It made it a hell of a lot harder to avoid the man’s eyes from his end.

“I needed to apologize…and of course to make sure Beans is still doing good without me?” A mock laugh, a sad attempt at trying to throw light on Aelius’ righteously sour mood. And at the end of the day? Beans was Helio’s starless Mau.

“M’glad you’re home safe…” he thought on how there was no point in asking if Aelius forgave him his bad behavior yet. He wasn’t ready to ask for that, but an apology? A genuine one. That felt like a good a place as any to start the morning.

He was glad Beans was good, getting her breakfast, truly! And the ceiling could have his sad eyes and the way he frowned up into the void of it….

Everything he wanted to say, every retort, they all sounded like excuses before they’d even left his own mouth. He went through reel after reel of them in his mind and not a damn one felt right—-

“No you’re not, are you?” Aelius’s words all sounded like echos of Rens teasing to his own ears, the way it’d all spiraled. He wondered if he should've let it go on, had the pair duke it out, taken the winner home? None of those were resolutions. None of it how he’d wanted it. Aelius and Ren were both men grown who could make up their own damn minds!

“And you never did, not really.” He was the one who couldn’t bring himself to do it. To make a choice or draw a line. The one time he asked? But he’d done it badly, had overreacted, had made Aelius feel — ******** — he didn’t know — probably extra shitty? “It was nice to get to do it though, for awhile. S’long as you let me…”

“N’I wanna make it clear…” eyes on Aelius face now that the movement had stopped and they were stationary again. “I didn’t mean what I said the way that I said it. M’not tryna rub anything in….” He’d felt rubbed, pushed back, it’d been a fiasco. He rubbed a stray hand over his face and propped his chin up on it atop the floor. Leaving his phone in the other. “I might’ve…I know I ******** up…I didn’t expect you both to be jealous.”

Was that the exact wrong phrasing? Maybe. But it was true, he hadn’t expected Ren, but hadn’t disliked the man’s presence. He was his husband!! He hadn’t seen him in so damn long!! But Aelius deserved better even moreso because of that —

“I didn’t think I’d handle it so shittily either……you guys, myself….and…yeah….” Inner frustration, a flash of a sneer aimed inwards.

“I should’ve asked you better..r’at least the ******** same…but it pissed me off....what you said, felt like it was aimed at me? Even if it wasn’t. N’so I acted childish, and pissy, and I didn’t.” Honest and breathless ramblings that petered out as he set his mouth over his arm and groused the last of it. Realizing it might’ve been better to shut up and listen — to take this this one time! That it was hard to express that, to make it happen! But not so hard as the chance of Aelius hating him…

That? That was far worse a prospect than any other thing. Aelius being done with him. So he’d suck it up, and shut up, and—-

“M’not asking for your forgiveness yet..…...but if I could earn it somehow?”

It was fair, and he took it, the way he could feel the heat of Aelius’s anger all the way through the the screen. The way he stammered, faltering at whatever line he knew he’d crossed, somehow at a loss to explain the unexplainable. Because he hadn’t meant it that way – but in the heat of the moment? ******** – looking back at it now? Waru wasn’t sure any explanation he could give would be good enough….wasn’t sure he wanted to give one with so much distance between them…

“And y’see I really don’t! Least I don’t think I do —“ he huffed, briefly wondering if he’d missed something crucial? He knew it was possible, that s**t could’ve caught fire n he would have looked over it entirely. But he was almost unsure whether ever seen the two in the same room together!! Once – twice? In the middle of a hastily made arena, Eion coddled between the pair. Again on the field chasing down Sylvite – Nectaris – and he hadn’t been married to Ren yet, and he wasn’t hardly friends with Aelius yet, and…

Again—

The mission that went so wrong it actually went right, but it hadn’t been Ren that’d gone after Aelius, had it? It’d been Yuuri….he was sure….and realizing that it didn’t matter in the face of what Aelius’s point was. The two men didn’t get along, never had, and he should’ve done something different about that – clearly!

It was the ‘what’ that felt beyond him –

“But–whatever—I don’t know, alright? I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter because even if I did? It wouldn’t actually change things!” semi-growled as he looked away from the screen, the way his eyes darted over to an interesting bit of leather toed shoe peeking out of a cubby hole.

Expensive looking thing.

“N’if you’re still mad at me? Then I don’t want it yet—” he spoke of Aellius forgiveness, could take the anger he’d set off like a hornets nest, could live n deal with that, but forgiveness in the face of something that felt so unresolved? “It doesn’t feel right, is all. Like a shitty gimme. So–while I appreciate it? I’d rather put the work in.” Sighed past grit teeth, his thumbs petting the edges of his phone. “Especially because you’re right, yeah? I wanted to choose my husband – and a good time – over you and yours,” Aelius hadn’t been wrong, that he’d made a choice in his own way, and somehow to no one's benefit, not even his own, it’d been a waste to bother.

The way he hadn’t even gone home with Ren after all that. Had been too riled to look for the man who’d started picking at the bluenette, however mild it’d seemed in his own mind? Aelius had clearly had enough. Waru could respect that…couldn’t he?

“Because I can’t — I can’t read either of your minds — I don’t know what you won’t do, or haven't done? I don’t know what he will do, what he’s done already. You are your own person, n’you defend yourself just fine, trust me. You didn’t need my help – even if I should’ve offered it! I just–I couldn’t handle sitting between you two while you did it…..” and the realization that his own way of extracting himself was to blow the place up entirely? Waru wondered if he’d learned something from Faustite, how he’d never disliked being the middle of a sandwich before, a toy to be chewed, but as things had wound on none of the teething had felt friendly anymore.

Tough hide or not? Waru thought, maybe, that he’d finally found a limit to what he’d put up with – an insane revelation – an never before handled scenario – and so? He’d lashed out at the one who was just his friend, who he’d seen every day so far, who he was closest too in so many ways and would be most easily forgiven by.

The way that made a ridiculous sort of sense to him to do the night before…

“Next time? I promise I’ll handle it differently. Okay? I just—I don’t want your forgiveness yet…you’ll regret giving it t’me…cause I haven’t earned it…”

It was nice to have the apology, greedy to want more, and frustrating to admit to Aelius how right the man was. Because it was a shitty take, because he’d been a shitty person, and the others had suffered for it. The people he claimed to love? Had all gone home hurting.

Nobody had won…

He could’ve just been nice. It wasn’t hard before, was it? But in the face of a husband he hadn’t seen in months, with Aelius clinging and bristling at his side, with Ren goading Aelius on. He’d said ******** it to all niceties, to trying, to being middle man and gentle peace keeper and wishing for them to just get along for his own sake and ease….

And there lay the lightbulb, the realization that he’d put himself as top dog in that moment, snapped n snarled at all sides. N’when it came down to it? Both men had walked away and left him empty handed. The way none of this would ever work if he put himself above the others – not like that – meanly – like he was some pedestal prize they could take each other's s**t for the sake of fighting over. It couldn’t work that way. It wasn’t fair to Aelius, no more n’it was to Ren.

“I’ll be there—” easy as air because he wanted to understand Aelius frustration, to bridge that gap between them so he didn’t ******** up the same way all over again, so it didn’t become an inevitable mine he couldn’t avoid. A nasty, continuous habit. “And maybe we can talk about that? Where you think you stand in my life, n’stead of me unfairly assuming – just – a ******** ton of things like an a*****e.”

“It’ll be nice, when we’re both less confused. Cause I sure as hell am…just…truthfully…” he thought he could hear Beans through the screen, see a glimpse of whisker, a hint of fuzzy body n purr. He hoped she’d take care of Aelius in his absence…

“N’then? Then you can decide if you wanna actually forgive me n’stead of doing it just cause you think it’s owed somehow? All retroactively n-s**t….m’not holding your past ******** against you….” soft and sad because he realized too, that just because he didn’t hold them against the man personally? (Because Aelius had been forgiven of all wrongs in his heart.) Didn’t mean they’d escaped his every thought entirely. That they didn’t exist, that he wasn’t making judgements because of them—

Because of his own ridiculous messiness n unsorted issues.

It felt good to stop, even better? That it was Aelius who called the game on account of rain. The way he wasn’t sure if he could’ve brought himself to, if he would’ve just let it all drag on torturously while listening to Beans n Aelius both complain from over the line.

If he would’ve gone there, and made things endlessly worse.

“Y’r welcome Aelius, I mean it.” He nearly followed it up with a thank you, thought better of it as he nodded over phone so Aelius could see him, agreed quietly instead.

Tomorrow — dinner — done!

“Tomorrow then, kay? Give Beans extra pets for me. Tell her I still love her too!” He’d never hung up faster in his life. He wanted to scream into the carpeted floor, settling instead for simply continuing to lay face down on it, soothing himself with the plushness of it, turning his phone over to lay there with him.

He had another call to make still — maybe two? He’d give himself thirty minutes, and then?

Well— maybe in those thirty minutes he’d rearrange most of Adams shoes, make sure none were paired up with their mate, and that every tie he could find ended up tied around the nearest hanger.

And then!! And then he’d make that second call out in to the merciless people filled void— he’d beg prudence, lay out apologies, refuse forgiveness’s he hadn’t yet earned.

He didn’t know what else to do about it — which other way to go? Not when staying the course seemed simple. Best. The easiest plan to rely on—

At least for now.

Until everything inevitably changed again, and someone tore down his playbook — and — gods he missed s**t when it’d been simpler before, just a little bit! Ever so slightly!