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 Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 7:39 pm
Riker and Evan talk for a while about more serious topics, then continue here: “It’s hard, you know? I have friends now. I have you. I don’t want to disappoint you or make your -- or their lives difficult. I just…”
He paused again. It was becoming more difficult to keep his emotions in check. More difficult to fight back the heat that stung his eyes, which he quickly tried to blink away. He didn’t get emotional. He wasn’t hurt, so he didn’t have a reason to cry.
“I just wish my mom cared about me. Sorry, I know it’s stupid. And I think I know she never will but-- she’s my mom.”
He felt like a child. Crying about his mommy. Wishing she loved him. Did he ever have a chance to be a child? It didn’t matter.
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 7:40 pm
Evan’s problems were old news. He could sympathize with Riker, he knew what it was like to desperately crave something as stupid as your parents caring about you.
“It’s not stupid,” he said. “It’ll never be stupid. Come here.” Evan lowered his arm but it was at the same time as he stepped forward so he could wrap his arms around Riker.
Who was so tall. Evan had to stand on his tiptoes to give the semblance of any substantial presence. He pulled him into a hug.
“I wish you had a better mom. It’s not supposed to be like this, you know. She’s supposed to love you. And support you. And be there for you. She’s not supposed to make things harder for you. She’s not supposed to hurt you, Riker. I’m sorry. That’s not fair. You deserve so much more.”
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 7:42 pm
He tried not to breathe. If he breathed then he would end up letting himself get emotional, and he couldn’t do that. He was already sixteen, and that was old enough to not cry. He wasn’t like Julian or Atticus or even Evan who were gentle in so many ways that of course they would be emotional. He didn’t blame them, nor did he think poorly of them for it.
Even though he’d hugged Evan earlier, Riker still stiffened a little when Evan reached out to him. It didn’t take long for him to wrap his arms around him in return and lower himself a bit to hopefully make it more comfortable. He wasn’t so tall that he was the tallest person he knew, but Evan was also pretty short.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled against Evan’s shoulder as he ducked his head down to hide. “I promise I’ll let you know if things get bad. I mean… at least if I feel that way. Um… the Code summoned my friends to help me with my arm. I went to the Moon after. I’m sorry, I know you would have worried and I didn’t think I was ready to explain things,” he admitted, his voice choked up on the emotions he was trying desperately to keep steady.
“They know my identity now. Well, all my friends except one, but that’s complicated,” he reported, knowing that he’d told Evan before that his friends didn’t know. “They uh… figured it out on their own.”
Even though he brought up his mom, he didn’t know if he could keep thinking about her without further blaming himself. He knew, realistically, that Evan was right. But it was so hard to just accept it because it meant that he’d been wasting all of his time hoping for something that would never happen.
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 7:46 pm
Evan wished he were taller to give Riker a place to hide. He was short, and scrawny, and it was too hot to hide under the baggy sweaters he usually did or he could have offered that as something. He was doing his best and he tried to make up for his small stature by rubbing Riker’s back.
He didn’t have to see Riker’s face, he could hear the emotions.
It wasn’t easy trying to figure out what Riker needed to say or needed to hear. Evan didn’t want to push too hard, nor did he want to seem too quick to let the conversation change.
“They must know you pretty well. That’s good, I hope that means they’re good friends. I didn’t know the Code could do things like that. I’m glad it was there. You know you don’t have to explain things to me if you don’t want to, right? I’ll ask, but you can tell me you’re not ready. So don’t hide from me because you’re afraid I’ll worry, or because you’re not ready to talk to me about something. Don’t trick yourself into thinking ‘it’s not a big deal’ or ‘I don’t want to bother Evan’. It could be a big deal or a little one, they’re both important to me. And you’re not going to bother me. If you need help–no, if you want help–or anything, just let me know. No strings attached, no questions, no judgment. I’m sorry, I guess this is probably a lot.”
Evan’s face felt warm but he didn’t want to let go of Riker. He wanted to hug him like he wanted to be hugged when he was feeling unloved and unwanted and hurting. When he was trying to figure out why he wasn’t good enough for his parents, or why the world seemed so eager to punish him.
“I know I’m not your mom and nobody’s ever going to be her but her. But I think you’re great, Riker. I’m really happy you were born. I think you’re going to do great things. And you’re so young now, and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through so much already. I want better things for you. You deserve more than this.”
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 7:47 pm
Riker snorted quietly in amusement, but squeezed Evan as if to prove he was okay.
“My friends would be kind to a moldy piece of bread. They’re good people, and I guess that makes them good friends, but I doubt they’d be picky about who they’d try to help.”
Not that Riker wouldn’t do what he could to help others in need, but he would at least try not to care, unlike his friends who wanted to go out of their way for everyone it seemed. He liked to think he would be more selective, but until he was in that situation, he supposed there was no way to know.
He was quiet then for a bit as he thought about everything Evan said. He still didn’t want to worry him, even if he didn’t have to tell him what was going on. He knew Evan had a lot going on in his life as well. He lived with so many people, and he had Maxim to worry about.
“I wish you were my mom,” he mumbled as he hid his face against Evan’s shoulder, but he almost immediately cringed and made a face as his ears burned, drawing back just enough to see Evan’s face. “I just-- I don’t know. I didn’t mean that to sound weird. You’re just easy to talk to and… I don’t know. I wish my mom treated me like you do.”
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 7:47 pm
Evan laughed softly. His ears were burning but it wasn’t out of embarrassment. It must have been high praise. He didn’t want Riker to think he should be embarrassed about saying something like that so he just smiled when Riker looked at him. He didn’t break the hug but he was mindful not to trap Riker in it.
His toes were tingling from standing on them but he didn’t want Riker to have to stoop down to keep the same pose so he stood as tall as he could. “It doesn’t sound weird. I wish your mom treated you better than I do.”
He was just some guy with a food truck who felt protective over a kid who made him think of himself.
Well–no, now they were friends. But it hadn’t started off as much of anything.
It hadn’t taken much for him to want to keep an eye on Riker, though.
“If I had a kid, I’d want them to be like you. And not just because you can reach the top shelf for me or fight off youma or anything. You’re a really good kid. And that’s even more impressive because I can see how hard things have been on you. But you’ve still got all this good shining through. I don’t know how you do that. I can’t understand how your mom sees that and doesn’t want to nurture it. I don’t really understand why she wants to make your life harder. Or why it seems like you don’t have anyone in your family in your corner to support you. Any time they drop the ball, tell me. I don’t have any family outside of–well, you know. You’ve been over to my house. I miss all those family things. I haven’t talked to my parents in years. And–yeah, I wish…I don’t know, I still dream about them calling me just to say ‘Hey we’re glad you’re alive’ or ‘Hey I saw your food truck, I’m proud of you’ or ‘Hey, I love you and I’m sorry,’ but. I don’t know. I still want those things. I don’t know if it’s going to happen. So I’m just trying to make the best family I can. With people who do care about me. And people who I care about. And–I’m sorry, I know I’m rambling. I just don’t want you to feel alone. Ever. Now, or in twenty years, or whenever.”
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 7:48 pm
Riker wasn’t entirely sure what he did to be considered a really good kid. He knew he did horrible things. He was mean to people, and teased them on purpose. Made his teacher cry. He’d tried so hard to do what he could to convince his family to accept him, but no matter what he did, it was never enough.
But with Evan? And his friends? Riker didn’t want to go back to how he used to be. He was still trying to make amends for what he did. He didn’t know if he’d ever be fully forgiven, and he was afraid of what that would mean, especially with Yvoire.
“I could be your kid,” he half shrugged, but felt weird for saying it almost immediately. He didn’t want Evan thinking he was trying to impose. He was too old, anyway. Evan wasn’t much older than himself, right? Maybe ten years max.
“I just mean, uh. If you’re trying to make the best family you can. And I care about you. And if you’re gonna be making sure I still don’t feel alone in twenty years.”
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 7:48 pm
Evan had to stop and think about it–not for more than a few seconds, because he didn’t want Riker to get the wrong impression, but–
Well, Evan had said it, and he meant it. He felt protective over Riker. Zac might have scoffed or called him stupid or told him to get his bleeding heart out of the picture and think with his actual brain–but Evan didn’t want to. It didn’t matter if it was practical or not, or if he hadn’t spoken to anyone about Riker.
Not really, at least.
He’d promised not to, but that was really the only reason he hadn’t shut up about it.
“Does that mean you invite me to your games and your graduation and come over for cake on your birthday? I could do that. And you can help me pull down the boxes from the attic and decorate for holidays and come over for Christmas. I have to think about all those things that families do. I’ll feed you when you look too skinny. And tell you that I’m proud of you, and give you advice. Well–no, don’t listen to my advice. But I will help you find someone who does give good advice. I know a Mauvian, he’s very smart. But I’ll have your back. For anything. And in twenty years you can push me around in my wheelchair, right?”
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 7:52 pm
It was difficult for Riker not to grin. He could feel his ears burning again, and this time his cheeks as well. He felt giddy. He felt like he was stupid to think that this would actually be something more than just talk, or just a way to indulge him. But he wanted it. Badly.
He laughed, and wrapped his arms tighter around Evan once more to give him a tight squeeze, although not so tight that he’d hurt him.
“Twenty?? No way. Maybe seventy years. But I can carry you around now, if you’d like,” he grinned, making sure not to crush Evan too tightly.
But he did take a moment to think more seriously about it all.
“I would like that a lot. All of that. Uh… my mom still goes to my games. She likes the excuse to drink. And I guess make it seem like she cares, so-- I mean you’re still invited but,” he mumbled and shifted uncomfortably. He didn’t want to be judged for his mom’s behavior.
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 7:55 pm
Riker probably couldn’t squeeze Evan hard enough to hurt him, and Evan wasn’t even afraid that he’d try. He laughed at the tightness of the hug and leaned into it.
“Seventy years! You think you can put up with me for that long? We’ll see about that. I’m sure you could, if you’ve had to deal with your mother behaving like that. At your games! It should be about you. I don’t know anything about baseball but I’ll come cheer you on. I won’t even try to bring the food truck, I’ll sit right there in the bleachers and cheer for your team. Louder than your mom. And because I actually care. But you’ll have to take some time to explain baseball to me. If you don’t mind.”
He gave him another quick squeeze and pulled him close so he couldn’t squirm so nervously.
“You’re not your mom. I’d be going for you, not her. And you can pretend like you don’t know me, I won’t be weird or anything. You just have to know that I’m there for you, and I’m cheering for you. Unless that’s weird, I don’t want to be obnoxious. Or embarrassing.
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 7:59 pm
“Really? You’d want to learn about baseball?” Riker asked, amused that Evan would actually want to learn. It was sweet. It made his heart flutter stupidly over such a kind gesture. “Yeah, I mean… I’d like to teach you. I’ll try not to bore you. It’ll be easier if I had something to draw with so I could show you better so… later,” he decided since he was trying not to get too enthusiastic about it.
Especially with how earnest Evan seemed.
“It wouldn’t be weird or embarrassing. I would just be afraid of my mom doing something, that’s all,” he sighed, but then pulled back enough so he could pat out some of the wrinkles he’d caused in Evan’s clothing.
“Uh… I guess I can introduce you to my friends, too,” he suggested, although it was in a tone that made it clear he was ready to take it back if Evan didn’t think it was a good idea. “They’re Knights. Uh, the ones who helped me with my arm. One of them is on the team, and his boyfriend always goes to watch. Along with their parents. So… if that’s too weird and awkward, I can pretend not to know you.”
He didn’t want to force Evan to interact with people if he didn’t want to.
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 8:03 pm
“Do you think that’s weird or awkward? I don’t. But you don’t have to introduce me if you don’t want to. I’ll be cool,” he promised, but with the confidence of someone who knew they were not cool, and were never going to be cool. Especially not in front of teenagers, no matter how nice they were to moldy bread.
He let Riker fuss over his clothes but Evan wasn’t particularly pressed about it. He did pull down his sleeves, though. “Don’t worry about your mom. I mean, it sounds like she does a pretty good job of being embarrassing. But it’ll be okay. Do they cheer really loud? Should I cheer louder than them? Oh, but you’re on the same team so I suppose that’s not the competitive part. No, I have a lot to learn about baseball,” he concluded.
He knew you hit the ball and you ran, and if you were lucky you made it back to where you started. And some other things happened on the field but he wasn’t any better in gym than he had been in math, or science.
“We’ll pick a day and put on a game, or go to one of the local games? Something, you can tell me what’s the best way to do it, and you can talk me through it. It won’t be boring, I want to learn.”
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 8:06 pm
“No, it’s not weird. At least I don’t think it would be. I just didn’t want you to think you had to, but. Well, they helped me out too. My friend’s parents. Who are also my teachers. It’s complicated. I’d like for you to meet my friends, at least so you can recognize them and they’ll know you’re someone they can trust,” Riker tried to explain while ignoring the way his face burned.
He felt giddy and happy and excited. So much that he’d completely forgotten how his face still ached from the bruise he’d recently obtained or how his arm still felt like it was occasionally on fire.
“You don’t have to cheer if you don’t want to,” Riker promised, even though he was already imagining Evan in the stands trying to pick up social cues from the rest of the crowd about when to yell at the umpire or when to clap. It was cute, and hopefully he’d see something similar in the future.
“But… yeah, okay. We can do that. And I can help you reach whatever thing you need from the top shelves.”
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 8:11 pm
“And push my wheelchair,” Evan reminded, and for as much as he wanted to give Riker another hug, he instead picked up the ice pack again so he could gently hold it to his face. Just for a minute! He wanted that swelling to go down.
“Of course I’ll have to cheer when I go to your game. I’m really good at yelling. I’ll learn to whistle, too. We’ll figure that out later.” He moved the ice pack so it covered the worst of his face and held it still. Riker seemed like he had a bit of extra light in him, and Evan couldn’t help but feel hopeful. An anomaly, given the conversation they’d had earlier, but if given the choice to focus on the bad in the past or the good in the future, he wanted to gravitate towards better things.
“I’m looking forward to meeting your friends. I’ll win them over with food. And if they ever need anything–especially a grilled cheese–I’ll have it covered. Sorry, maybe I’m being overdramatic. I want to make a good impression. Teachers are so professional. And parents. You’ll have to tell me about them, I want to win them over, too. So they don’t think I’m just some weird guy hanging out with teenagers. Do they know about the whole, you know, Knight thing?”
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Posted: Thu Aug 08, 2024 8:13 pm
“And push your wheelchair,” Riker conceded, even as he made a face at the coldness from the ice.
“Jeez, I’m okay, mom,” he sighed, but didn’t argue about the ice pack against his face. Of course, he hoped it wasn’t weird that he was joking about something that he’d just been speaking very seriously about. Not that Evan wasn’t motherly in many ways -- or at least in ways Riker had always wanted from a mom -- but he didn’t want to insult him unintentionally.
“Sorry…” he mumbled but held still, although he was ready to take the ice pack so Evan didn’t have to freeze his hand.
“Uh… yeah, they know about the Knight thing. You’re not being overdramatic, I promise. You’re perfect, so you’ll definitely win them over by just being yourself. But, one of my friends -- the one who is dating my teammate whose, uh… parents are teachers. His dad is a Knight… and one of the teachers at school… and his other dad is a Senshi. Uh. Adopted. There was some weird thing going on and he had to get a new identity so he wouldn’t be murdered or something. I don’t know, I was dozing off from blood loss when they told me all that.”
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