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 Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 1:57 pm
They were at Talia’s place, having been invited for lunch. Brooklyn was sitting in one of the chairs outside, looking at Julian and thinking. Hard.
She had gotten her life somewhat back in order, was back living on her Wonder and just. Well.
Wondered.
For a long moment, she was quiet, enjoying the warm breeze that blew through her hair. It was inching closer to real summer now, and while she didn’t…really…enjoy the heat. It felt nice right now.
…Still.
“I have a question for you, Julian. And I hope that you’ll just…answer me honestly but. Why don’t you run away?”
Honestly, it was more blunt than she wanted it to be, but they were alone out here, other than Maxim running and rolling in the grass…she honestly wished that Talia had a pool, that would feel amazing right about now but.
“I know we’ve never really talked about your home life…but. I’ve just. It’s not great, is it? You’ve said some things that have had me thinking…and why don’t you run away? We can just live up on our Wonders together, you know.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:05 pm
Julian had been sitting peacefully in one of the chairs, ankles crossed as he looked out across the backyard. He was holding a glass of ice cold lemonade in both hands and had been sipping through the straw when Brooklyn asked.
His eyes had slipped over to her when she said she had a question, but he seemed less interested in the lemonade when he realized how serious she seemed.
For a second, he held the lemonade and didn’t move, didn’t answer.
Then, slowly, he lowered it.
“Um…I don’t want to run away,” he said after a moment. He sounded perplexed by the concept, and maybe a little guarded. He was trying not to sound suspicious. Brooklyn seemed like she wanted a no-nonsense answer.
“I don’t think I could live on my Wonder. Um. Well, I’ve never actually–Luke wants to go camping but I’ve never been. And my Wonder is all a forest, and…well, I have to finish school.”
His mouth felt dry but when he tried to sip the lemonade again it only made it worse.
“My home life, um. What–Hillworth? It’s not so bad, I told you about Luke? He’s really nice. I’m staying on campus over the summer. I have some classes I’m supposed to take. Where is all of this coming from, what did I say?”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:06 pm
Brooklyn looked away, focusing on Maxim for a moment as she tried to gather her thoughts. “No, you’ve mentioned Luke, but why are you staying at school during the summer? What about your home life? Are you in foster care too?”
Well. Not too. She wasn’t anymore so…she shook her head and looked back at her friend, watching him for a long moment. “Not, too but. I don’t know. I had that vibe from you. What’s your story, Julian. Spill it. You literally know everything about me.”
Not that her life was exciting and not that she kept any secrets but. “You shouldn’t have to stay at school for summer…especially not Hillworth...” Shrugging, she continued to watch him. “Talk to me. Please. You just told me when we were here that you didn’t know what your summer was going to look like, and I’ve just. Thought about those words a lot.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:13 pm
“Well–I didn’t know if I was going to fail. I’ve been slipping in some of my classes. But Hillworth has summer classes. So that’s–I didn’t fail, but I just have a lot on my plate. My family–”
He’d lowered the glass but he seemed tense.
“Well, it's just complicated. Everyone’s doing the best they can. There are a lot of people back at the house already, and I don’t mind Hillworth.” His voice had softened some and he was focusing on swirling the ice cubes in his glass.
“I’m going to go visit him for a while over the summer. Luke, I mean. This is just a temporary thing. But I…I don’t know, I like the air conditioning. Um, the cafeteria is nice. I like having a little structure, so really, it’s not so bad. Um, I don’t know, is it really so weird not to know how summer is going? Lots of people just sort of wing it. You’re winging it,” he suggested. It wasn’t really argumentative, but it was clear that he was thinking about far more than he was saying.
“I don’t really have, you know. A story. I’m just sort of here. Sorry, I don’t really understand…”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:14 pm
Brooklyn watched him, and as she did…she felt…
Angry was the only word that she could think to describe what she was feeling. Betrayal? Hurt? Something. She was feeling something and it felt like a whole lot of bad shoved into a ball and put right in the top of her chest. It was pressure, and she looked away again, her jaw clenching. “Of all the people I’ve met in this. You’ve always been the one I thought I could depend on. I thought you and I were the same. You’ve never corrected me. Never told me that we weren’t. I thought. I’ve always thought. Gee. It’s good Dering and I both have Lysithea. You’re always the one pushing me to stay here. To talk with her. To ask for help.”
The feeling in her chest seemed to be expanding and Brooklyn was suddenly blinking back tears, putting her glass down and rubbing her chest, trying to dissipate the feeling. “I highly doubt that you have no story. And I don’t understand why I”m not good enough to trust, Julian. Why should I trust you, trust anyone, if you don’t trust me in return? Do you think I’m going to judge you? Because. That’s honestly. Stupid. I’m not going to sugarcoat it but that’s stupid.”
Her breath was catching and the pain in her chest was growing more acute. “If you don’t want to tell me, then just say ******** off Brooklyn, my life is my business and hey! I’d respect that. But this? Stop playing games, Julian.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:14 pm
Julian stared at Brooklyn.
His expression was almost blank, except for the occasional twitch of a brow or his lip. He looked at her like he didn’t recognize her. Maybe, in whatever swarm of thoughts he had right now, he didn’t.
It was warm around them but Julian felt hot, and cold, and it switched back and forth like someone frantically flipping a light switch. He couldn’t feel his fingers.
So the glass slipped from them.
The sound of glass against the hard floor seemed to jerk him out of a stupor but it was too late. The liquid splashed against his pants but the worst part was the fact that the glass broke.
It was part of a set. His and Brooklyn’s matched. It wasn’t a hodgepodge collection. It matched the pitcher, too.
Maxim had picked his head up and seemed to show great interest in whatever was happening, but Julian was already fumbling with the sweater tied around his waist. It was too warm to wear but he liked to have it just in case. It could be cold inside. It could rain. He could make a mess. He threw his sweater over the spill, partly to try and mop it up and partly to make sure no one got hurt on the glass.
His hands were trembling. He couldn’t remember how to breathe. He didn’t look up at Brooklyn.
He meant to say–
.̶̛̬̐̎̍̈͒̈́̄̈́̎̽͠.̴̛̤̳̤̋͑̐̀.̶̧̛̙̭͕̱̣̜͔̣̬̼̀̈́͊̌̇̑̊̄̑́̊́ ̵̨͕̖͝ͅ.̸̗̺́.̸̺̑͋̈́̒̌͋́̈́̅͐̈́͝͝ .̵̛͇̰̼̰͒́͐͛̏̂̌̚.̴̡͇͈̲͈͔͎̭̘̱͂͌̚̕͝ͅ
No, that wasn’t right.
̷̧̧̙͔͙̞̟̠̑̋̉̓͊̔̏̈́͠.̷̧̗̬͕̥͈̣̱͙̯̤̀͂̊́́͊̾̍̓̏͊.̶̧̙̻̪̞̙̥̣̖̈́̕ ̴̛͍͚̹̼̥͎͓͇͇͉̫̣̟͆̓̅̐̆̀͆̌̓͗̒̾.̴̛͚̖̰̜́̈̋.̷̧̞͓͇̎̓̍̍̿̕͜ ̶̛̱̥̳͙͙̺̰̠̽̃̽̉̃̈̇͛̈́͝.̸̜̳̩͙̙̦̉̈́͝.̷̧̹̀̈̓͠͝.̷̧̢̛̮̝̥̠͔̼̤̤̼̐̈́́̓͆̃̓͜͜͠͝.̵̡̢̱̮͙͑̌̃̃̓.̷̢̢̫̲̖͓̗͓͇͍̩͐̂̈́͐̀̈́̿̈͋̂̌̋͗̒́̃͂̚͝ͅ ̴̢̨̧͍͖̙̣̗̰̙̈̍̽̃͜͝.̶̳̼͊̀͋̐̀͛̿͋̀̑͛̀̈́͋̍̕ .̷̣̩͕͆̌̓͐͌̿̍̇.̸̢̧̢͎͖̗͉̝̜͖̲̬̾̔̿̓́͝ ̷̛̛̛̙̮̳̦̹̩̺̯͎̞̬̖̺̑͑̉͂̽́̑̒͐̽́́͗̽́.̷̨̧̮̹̳͎͝.̸̧̹̰̗̙̞̌͆̀̈̂̇͆̽̀̄̒̽̐͛̊͛̕ͅ.̶̨̡̧̛̛͔̻̤̬̯͓̼͔͔̥̭̤͍̯̫͆̈́͆͐̇̉̉̐̌̊̇̐̕ͅ
No–what he meant was–
.̷̨̢̧͖̝͖̪̻̹̝̝̘̩̞̣̫̰̱͍̗̰̮̻̓̈́.̵͈̱̬̼͍̝̰̱̟̬̳̫̬̺͎̏͂͆̈́͛̚ͅ.̴̛̯͚̥̱̪͚̤͈̲̠̰̦̦͓̟͊͗̆̊͆̎͆̇̾̈́̉̀͒̋̑́.̵̢̘͎̹͈̥̯̥̖̟̣̳͖̲̠̫̞̠̘̭̲̫̹̈͝͠͝͝͝ .̷͎̣͍̼̻͓̬̞̥̟̻͕͌̍͑̍̈́͂́̂̂̄̓.̶̡̡̛͍̟̙͙̼͚̘̟̮̥̹̜̺͓͋͋͑͊͐͆̾̾͐͠ͅ.̸̧̧̛̖͇̤̠̖͉̬̝̒̂̆̽͑̈̉̔͗͑̕̚͠ .̷̢̧̨̛̦̣̲͔̙̮̺͖͈͎͈̮̜̖̩͐̇̋̊̈̀̐̃̆̅̑͗̐͘̚͝.̴̛̛̰̻̪̺̣̈́̇̑̄̔̍̈́͐̌̌̏̌̅̉̐̕̚͘͠͠͠.̸̨͍̦̬̬͍̝̲̓̅̀̃̐̄̈͘͠.̴̢̧̧̡͍̱̬͎͇̰̯͇̙͔̩̃̒́͑̌̍͆̇̍̍͒͊̃̋͝͠ .̷̢̼̟͖̹̞͈̫͙͔̳̺̍́́̏̉̆.̷̢̨̘̠̥̜̥̮̟͔̪̟̖͈̤͎̫̩̲̳̣̠̰̅͋́͌̾̒͆́̃͆͘͠͝.̸̡̨̛͚͈̩̹̬͓̗̬͙͕̠̘͍̥̠̹̾͋̒͛̋̍͆̐̔̎̆͜͠ͅ.̵̢̢̜̣̲͖͍͔̟̜̲̱͔̩͕̩̦̤̻͈̊̍̆͛̓͐̋̍͐̈́̍̆̈́̈́͐̉̕͝͝ͅ .̴̛̞̞̊͒.̶̨̨̡̢̡͔͓̳̠͍͚̳͎̟̤̜̼̭̗̹̣̙̿̈̒̓̃͒̈̀͒͊̄͆̓̐͑̕͜͝.̷̧̞͓͇̎̓̍̍̿̕͜ ̶̛̱̥̳͙͙̺̰̠̽̃̽̉̃̈̇͛̈́͝.̸̜̳̩͙̙̦̉̈́͝.̷̧̹̀̈̓͠͝.̷̧̢̛̮̝̥̠͔̼̤̤̼̐̈́́̓͆̃̓͜͜͠͝.̵̡̢̱̮͙͑̌̃̃̓ .̷̢̢̫̲̖͓̗͓͇͍̩͐̂̈́͐̀̈́̿̈͋̂̌̋͗̒́̃͂̚͝ͅ ̴̢̨̧͍͖̙̣̗̰̙̈̍̽̃͜͝.̶̳̼͊̀͋̐̀͛̿͋̀̑͛̀̈́͋̍̕.̷̣̩͕͆̌̓͐͌̿̍̇.̸̢̧̢͎͖̗͉̝̜͖̲̬̾̔̿̓́͝ ̷̛̛̛̙̮̳̦̹̩̺̯͎̞̬̖̺̑͑̉͂̽́̑̒͐̽́́͗̽́.̷̨̧̮̹̳͎͝.̸̧̹̰̗̙̞̌͆̀̈̂̇͆̽̀̄̒̽̐͛̊͛̕ͅ.̶̨̡̧̛̛͔̻̤̬̯͓̼͔͔̥̭̤͍̯̫͆̈́͆͐̇̉̉̐̌̊̇̐̕ͅ.̶̛̬̐̎̍̈͒̈́̄̈́̎̽͠.̴̛̤̳̤̋͑̐̀.̶̧̛̙̭͕̱̣̜͔̣̬̼̀̈́͊̌̇̑̊̄̑́̊́ ̵̨͕̖͝ͅ.̸̗̺́.̸̺̑͋̈́̒̌͋́̈́̅͐̈́͝͝ .̵̛͇̰̼̰͒́͐͛̏̂̌̚.̴̡͇͈̲͈͔͎̭̘̱͂͌̚̕͝ͅ
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:17 pm
Brooklyn winced when the glass shattered and she looked back to Julian, still fighting the breathless pain that her feelings were causing. But. From the looks of Julian.
God. They were the same, weren’t they?
Fighting past the pain, she lowered her hand and reached out, firmly grasping both of Julian’s hands. “Breathe. We both need to breathe. Look at me.” Her voice was firm, still on the edge of angry, but with more concern bleeding through. “Look at me, Julian. I’m not. Mad. At you.”
That much was the truth, at least. She could work with that. She wasn’t mad at him. She was angry at the situation. The stupid situation that was her life. Their lives?
“I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at everything. All the time...and I just.”
Her voice broke on a sudden sob and the throbbing in her chest grew tighter. “I just. Hate it. I hate everything. All. The. Time. And I don’t want to be alone. I just. Just talk to me. You keep it in. I explode everywhere. Just…talk to me.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:23 pm
He wasn’t trying to upset her. She was upset, he knew it was his fault, even if she said she wasn’t mad at him. If he’d just tried a little harder–if he’d done what she wanted, if he’d done it right then she wouldn’t be so upset.
She was his friend. Well, maybe not. Maybe he messed that up. She was crying.
He wanted to reassure her. To tell her it was okay.
Julian couldn’t move.
Like, if he stood still enough, maybe she’d forget that she was mad. Maybe she’d forget he was here. Maybe they could go back to two minutes ago. Maybe he could have said something else and she wouldn’t have wanted to have this conversation. Maybe he should have been sick today.
She wanted him to talk but he couldn’t remember the words.
It was a haze in his mind, a roaring static. A hollow echo, like an empty, endless hallway so far underground, so deep underwater, that there was no way to find life there. A tornado of thoughts shredded down into single sounds, all whirling together in a raging scream.
Look at me.
Look at me.
He moved his eyes to her but he wasn’t really looking at her. He looked through her.
Talk to me.
She wanted to know–
Wanted something.
Wanted him to say something.
Wanted–
He was supposed to breathe but he couldn’t remember how. She was crying. He wanted to make her feel better.
He was only making this worse.
His throat constricted so tightly that he wasn’t even sure air could get through.
Julian didn’t want to upset Brooklyn but when he tried to speak he choked on the words. Instead, he nodded frantically, but in the end his eyes fell again. Maxim had come over and was nudging his nose against Brooklyn, obviously worried. He didn’t understand what was going on but he didn’t step on the sweater; he seemed more interested in trying to figure out what was going on between the two.
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:23 pm
A sort of hopelessness was settling itself on Brooklyn’s shoulders and she couldn’t–didn’t want to shake it off.
Still, Brooklyn clung to Julian’s hands and began to softly squeeze each finger, one at a time, holding each for first one second, then two, then three, all the way up to ten with his last pinky.
Each one she squeezed, she held her breath, letting it out slowly as she did so, trying to ground herself, and hopefully ground him.
Or. Try to. Julian was like her. But his reactions were the exact opposite. Where she struggled to prove herself. To show that she could take care of herself…he withdrew, and tried…something. Something wasn’t clicking. Wasn’t connecting.
Her worth came from being strong. Protecting others. Protecting those she cared about and…
Brooklyn gave a shuddering breath and choked back another sob, moving to start the process of breathing and squeezing his hands over again. Just in case it worked this time.
For either of them.
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:27 pm
Julian wasn’t really thinking. There were thoughts there, scrambled and rapid firing in every direction. None of them landed where they were supposed to. He felt Brooklyn’s hand.
He didn’t cry. His eyes misted over but a single drop never fell. His vision was blurry and he couldn’t see but it just meant that he internalized a bit more, drifted into his own little world. Maybe it was one minute, maybe it was five, or ten.
His whole body ached when he was conscious enough to be aware of it.
Brooklyn was still trying not to cry.
He hadn’t meant to upset her.
Julian felt like glass with pressure on every corner, just waiting to snap. It took a long moment more for him to remember any words, and whether he actually took time to think about them or if they just slipped out instinctively, he whispered, “I’m sorry.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:28 pm
Brooklyn shook her head, her grip on Julian’s hands going limp. “You don’t have to apologize to me. I’m not…angry. I just. Don’t understand why you keep secrets from me and can’t just talk to me…”
Her voice came out as a squeak and she let go of one hand to wipe at her eyes again. “Am I just not good enough? You don’t want me to help protect you, you don’t want me to know your life…Julian…what am I to you?”
She had called him her brother. Told him that she wanted him to be that but…it clearly wasn’t reciprocated. And…that was fine just.
She wanted to be told.
Guessing was just…
Brooklyn was too tired of guessing. Too tired of games. And that was all this was feeling like.
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:29 pm
“I just–”
Julian didn’t really have the words. He knew the feeling but trying to describe it, trying to explain it–
“It’s not…It’s not you,” he finally managed, but it sounded like he had to tear the words from his throat.
“Why–why does–why does me not wanting to talk about something…what does that have to do with you being good enough or not? I didn’t–that’s not how I meant it, that’s not–I just think I don’t understand, I’m sorry. I got confused. I misunderstood.” His voice wasn’t consistent and he didn’t have any real tone. In the scramble of making sentences, he couldn’t focus on the finer things.
She wanted him to talk and he was doing the best he could. The words felt like barbs, trapped in his throat and mouth. He didn’t know if he was imagining the taste of blood in his mouth or if he’d bitten himself. Or maybe it really was just the words.
“It’s not a secret it’s just–it’s complicated, Brooklyn. I just don’t understand. I don’t even know what you want to know. I’m trying. Please don’t be upset. I can do better. I just don’t understand, I need–can you just explain it again? Please.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:30 pm
Brooklyn was quiet, trying to think about her words before just…throwing them out there. “When I was in the group home in D.C.. She paused and wrinkled her nose. “Washington D.C., not Destiny City, you know, when I was gone for a few months? They had me in therapy? And…”
Closing her eyes she slowly counted to ten, trying to focus on her breathing. “I. Have. Really bad…abandonment issues? I…my self worth is tied to what I can do for others? I don’t know. It didn’t really make sense but like. I like to help. I like to be able to help. I. I feel useless. Like I deserve to be alone if I can’t do something simple like…”
She shrugged. “Like when…I wanted to walk you home…and you said no…it. It really upset me. I…felt like you didn’t need me at all and. If I’m not needed…then what’s the point? I’m not wanted. That was made very clear from the beginning and…Julian.”
Brooklyn rubbed her face, trying to force the tears that were trying once again to escape. “I. I just. I need to be needed. I want to help you, if I can. I just. I don’t even know what I’m saying right now…I…”
She rubbed her face once again and finally looked back at Julian, shaking her head. “I just. I feel inferior when you don’t…talk to me. It…makes me feel like I’m not worth talking to, like I’m not good enough to be your friend, to help keep you safe and it just…I’m a mess, Julian. I have a great way to project confidence and sureness but, ********. I just. My self worth is tied to my friends and I’ve lost most if not all of them so like…what’s even the point? I have no purpose. I have no point.”
Finally the tears broke loose again and she shook her head. “Don’t you trust me? Why can’t you be open with me?”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:32 pm
“But–” Julian faltered. He understood what Brooklyn was saying, on a surface level. He didn’t need to be needed. Often, he wasn’t, and he was okay with that. He didn’t mind being in the background or having no purpose or value. He just liked to be there. And, thankfully, people usually didn’t mind him sticking around.
He had no bravado, no confidence. He was just there. Slowly coming out of a shell he wasn’t even aware of. He had good people in his life, good friends. People who cared.
Julian had abandonment issues, but she’d said it earlier; they were alike, but different. He didn’t need to be at the center of things. If he was on the outskirts, he was less likely to be tossed aside. He didn’t create waves. He did his best to be low maintenance, low drama, low attention. All eyes on him made him anxious.
He didn’t like to be helped because it became a burden. He had nothing to offer. It made him anxious and ate away at him. Now, needles were prickling his insides. Maxim was still there, trying to lick away Brooklyn’s tears. He was worried about her. Maxim nudged Dering a few times but he seemed anxious trying to go between the two of them, and the tears were easier for him to focus on.
Julian was a people pleaser. It was almost never about what he wanted. He prioritized everything about himself to be more appealing to what they wanted, and it was only in very rare instances that he paid enough attention to himself to even acknowledge what he thought or felt.
How could she think she wasn’t good enough? Why was her value tied to his discomfort? He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to say anything. He liked his problems buried deeply enough that he didn’t have to think about them, where he could live in comfortable denial. The daily things were more important than whatever trouble he’d kicked up in the past, and Julian still had hope that things would work out in the future. If he said any of these things out loud, if he talked about them–
It ruined the illusion. It was forcing him to confront something he didn’t want to. Something he kept buried for his own well being.
Was it selfish? It must have been. She was so upset. He still didn’t know what she wanted. He couldn’t scramble up the wit to remember how this conversation had even started. He just knew she was mad and she wanted him to talk. But only about what she was asking. He couldn't remember what she was asking. She wanted to know but he couldn’t remember what she wanted to know. What had she said? That he didn’t trust her? That wasn’t right, of course he did. That he didn’t need her? That wasn’t right either, she was one of his closest friends. That he didn’t want her? No, she was important to him. How did she get to that conclusion?
Julian deflated. Or maybe exploded.
He felt all twisted up and all empty inside and stretched in a thousand directions and smushed into a tiny spec.
She was crying and it was his fault.
He did trust her. But she wasn’t going to believe that unless he opened up.
There was no tone in Julian’s voice and it was soft again, not because he was trying to hide anything from her but because he didn’t have a lot of energy. Because it was difficult.
“I’m staying at a foster home. It’s busy. I get overwhelmed. Hillworth is quieter over the summer. I like the structure. I’m afraid of running away. I don’t like unknowns. I get sick worrying about things. I don’t like making big decisions.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2024 2:35 pm
Brooklyn stroked Maxim’s head and then gently picked him up and put him down on the ground. Taking another long, slow breath and looking back to Julian. “Foster homes…suck. They really, absolutely suck…Julian…”
Wiping at her face she hesitated and held her free hand back out to Julian. “...Why? Why do…” Brooklyn drew in another breath, wiping away fresh tears, trying to think of how to word this but…
“Why do you…keep it bottled up?” She frowned slightly and hoped he would take her hand. Hope they could just…reconnect. Find the middle ground. Figure out how to really communicate. “If you get…sick with worrying…why do you keep it in?” She used to keep things in. But even then…she had learned that being louder, being stronger, being a problem...kept you from having as many problems…at least with her peers and.
“I can’t…grasp it, I don’t think…why…how…how do you manage?” Her voice dropped slightly and she sighed. “Have you…ever thought of therapy? I…I miss it. I wish I could go again but…”
She swallowed and closed her eyes for a moment. “It helps to say things out loud. At least for me…I’m…sorry for forcing you to…but…”
Guilt was starting to pool in her stomach and she felt…even worse. “I just…care so much about you, Julian…”
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