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 Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:07 pm
Riker didn’t want to make any of his friends feel harassed, especially not after an emotionally charged fight on Fang. A text or message to check in on them seemed okay, as a bandaid. He wanted to see them in person, just to make sure. Especially Rose, Evie, and Dering. The others he would check in on as well, but Cynthus always knew how to push his buttons, and he didn’t need any pitying looks from Mary and Effie.
There was also the problem with Evie not knowing he was Riker. A thought that had his stomach twist into knots.
But Rose knew. And so did Dering.
He waited until the evening the next day to send more than just ‘How are you feeling?’ or ‘Can you believe this weather?’ which was more to make sure he got a response than any serious topic, or even small talk.
‘Wanna meet up at the park? I’ve got some homemade candied bacon I want to share!’
He’d checked with Evan first, of course, since he was the supplier of said candied bacon. He’d been worried about him, too.
But now it was getting late and he was worried he might have dragged his feet too much. Julian was probably getting ready to go to sleep, or maybe didn’t want to deal with other people if he had his roommate to worry about. He just hoped he was okay.
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:10 pm
Julian did not text back immediately, which was not uncommon for him. He had a phone but it was very obviously outdated and fairly cheap. He could make phone calls, he could text, he could scroll the internet wherever there was wifi. He didn’t seem to rely on his phone for much, and therefore he was often tucked away safely because he took care of all of his belongings.
When he began to text Riker back he would start typing, stop, and start again.
It took nearly seven minutes for him to actually send a message, and when he did it was, ‘Which park? I’m at the two fish fountain.’
He’d mentioned it before in passing and Riker expressed familiarity with the fountain. The fish were probably no more than cast stone from a mold, probably mass produced, but Julian had expressed once that he always felt calm around them. There was something serene about the way they danced about each other, and the water from the fountain complimented their movements.
The motor was steady and the water was clean, so it was a perpetual, gentle sound of movement. Many lights illuminated the park and it wasn’t so late that it was particularly empty. There were people in the distance, some outdoor party. Julian liked that he could see them; even if they were in their own world, he didn’t feel so alone in his.
It was late to be out, and Julian should have headed back to the dorms already, but it was a nice night. A pleasant breeze had picked up just a bit before the sun hit the horizon and it hadn’t stopped yet. The fresh air and open space was better than the confines of a small room, and he wanted to appreciate it now while he could.
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:17 pm
‘That works!’
Riker had been wondering if maybe he would just have to try and get together with Julian some other time. Or maybe Julian wouldn’t want to see anyone, and that was fine! Riker wasn’t trying to be overbearing! He was just worried.
‘Give me five minutes?’ he sent, already trying to figure out the best route to get there.
He’d borrowed a bike from Evan. It was definitely faster than walking, and cheaper than trying to figure out other transportation means. He knew Evan would probably drive him if he asked, but this was something he wanted to do alone. He didn’t want Julian thinking that he was involving more than he needed. Or something like that.
It didn’t take any longer than four minutes to get there. And that was because he went as fast as he could, while also being safe. He slowed before getting too close to the fountain, not wanting to spook Julian if he was coming in hot.
The basket on the front of the bike was convenient to hold the box of bacon.
“Hey! Oh, wow they’ve got the lights fixed,” he glanced from Julian to the fountain, trying to act completely casual and not out of breath. The night was cool and dark enough that the exertion coloring his cheeks wasn’t that obvious.
“There was one that was out the last time I was here at night,” he explained, hopping off of the bike and practically crashing it into the wall of the fountain in his attempt to look cool or some silly thing that ended up not being cool at all. It was okay! The only thing damaged was his pride.
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:21 pm
When Riker said five minutes, Julian was prepared to wait patiently for ten; the fact that Riker showed up in less time almost made Julian worry that he’d rushed over. He’d been ready to apologize when Riker almost took himself out, or–
Well, no. He played sports. He was probably just being a daredevil and showing off how close he could come to hurting himself while still coming out totally unscathed. Julian wasn’t as informed about what was cool these days, but all he knew was that Riker had shown up quicker than he’d said, and done some stunt that really did look dangerous.
“You were really fast.” His voice was soft and sore, like he hadn’t used it in a little while. He had to clear his throat afterwards but busied himself with taking a sip of water.
Julian was trying to be normal. If he were being honest, he was incredibly anxious about the last time he’d seen Riker. There was a shadow on his sweater, and even though they were already moving into the warmer months of the year he was still wearing it. This wasn’t one of his good ones; it was old and thin and stretched out. Even now he was worrying away, pinching the fabric and rolling it between thumbs and forefingers. With how he was sitting, it was incredibly easy to work into the hem at the bottom.
He was wearing jeans and newer shoes. His backpack was next to him but he had a half-filled notebook with tiny, scribbled words, and a pen next to him where he sat on the fountain wall. His hair was down and could cover his face if he wanted–which might have been the case, because even as he tried to play normal, he sat somewhat hunched over and head bowed.
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:23 pm
Riker flashed Julian a grin when he complimented his speed, although he was still trying to make sure the bike would stay standing on its own before he gave his full attention to his friend.
“I didn’t want you to wait. And I was in the neighborhood already,” he explained, knowing very well that he would have to be careful about using the same excuse on the same people too many times.
Julian looked like he was worn down. Like a candle that had burned for too long and the light was flickering because there just wasn’t anything left to burn.
Something twisted in his stomach. His heart? He wasn’t sure, but his grin faltered. He quickly turned to collect the box from the bike basket and then set it on the fountain between himself and Julian, just to give him a defined space between them.
He could see the way Julian worried at the fabric of his sweater, and tried very hard not to be too nosey about whatever Julian was writing. Especially with the words being so small. He was probably used to writing that tiny to keep people from looking over his shoulder and seeing what he was working on. Riker could understand that, although he kept it to himself for now.
“You’re not a vegetarian, are you?” he suddenly blanched, looking up at Julian and wincing. “I should have asked, I’m sorry.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:26 pm
“No,” Julian answered. “I’m not picky.”
He ate things even if he didn’t like them, and he’d learned to put on a good front about it. Food was food and as long as it sustained you, he didn’t care how it tasted.
Well, no. That wasn’t quite true. He liked when it tasted good. He just didn’t mind when it didn’t. Riker seemed excited to share, so even if Julian was tired he was still curious, and he doubted his friend would have been so eager to share something that he didn’t like, himself. “I’ve never heard of candied bacon before. It’s homemade?”
He kept his eyes comfortably on the box but briefly looked up at Riker, just taking in his appearance quickly. He looked okay. The light here wasn’t enough to make out anything abnormal, and he could only guess by the hint of breathiness that Riker might have been trying very hard to sound like he didn’t exert himself.
Julian wondered how far away ‘the neighborhood’ extended but he didn’t ask. He didn’t try to sit up straight either; he just let himself hunch forward where he sat as if he just didn’t have the energy to bother with manners. Usually he sat up straight, he kept his hands to himself, he was presentable–at least as far as he could be, with his mostly hand-me-down clothes and his nervous demeanor. Riker was his friend. If he let his guard down a little–just a little–he didn’t think it would be too bad.
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:31 pm
“Yeah! Well, not my home. Good luck getting anything there. No, my friend made it. He’s a really good cook and has a food truck and makes new things all the time. I was going to bring some candied lemon peels too, but uh… I went a little overboard and ate them all. But! I will bring some next time, I promise,” he grinned again, although keeping his eyes down on the box between them. He opened it up and pushed it a little closer to Julian to see, and to pick out some bacon if he wanted.
Julian wasn’t exactly very talkative, but it was hard for Riker not to notice that he was even less chatty than usual. Well. When they were not in a big group of people. Julian seemed okay with talking more when he wasn’t having to make sure everyone else was okay.
“Were you doing homework?” he asked, nodding to the backpack. “For some reason I thought you went to Meadowview. Or maybe Sovereign Heights,” he admitted, already feeling his ears burn. He hoped it was casual enough that Julian didn’t feel cornered about it.
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:49 pm
Julian looked at the bacon for a moment. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected but the glazed meat strips weren’t really what he had in mind. It almost seemed like he hadn’t heard Riker, but he shrugged and reached out for the smallest piece he could find.
“I was supposed to.”
He held the bacon between his index finger and thumb for a few seconds more before he took a bite. He might have been good at hiding when he didn’t like something but such wasn’t the case when he did. “Oh. This is good. I didn’t know bacon could taste like this. It’s like a totally different flavor.”
What candy did he use to make bacon like this? How did it taste like this? Lemon peels–you could eat lemon peels?
Riker probably didn’t care about those questions so Julian didn’t ask.
“Thank you, this is really good,” he said, before he could forget. He took small bites of the piece he’d picked out so he could savor it for as long as possible. He looked up from the box and managed to keep his eyes on Riker for more than a few brief seconds at a time, now.
“I should have been at Meadowview,” he clarified. “I moved, so it didn’t work out. But it’s okay. I’m trying to get that all sorted out.” His free hand absentmindedly rested over the notebook he had with him and he tapped the page with one finger. “I finished all my homework. I don’t like to let it sit. I was,” he hesitated for a split second, like he was trying to decide if he could get away with a lie or telling the truth. He took too long to make up his mind. The truth, then. “...writing a letter. Or, trying to. I’m not really good at it.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:50 pm
There was a lot to unpack from so few words. Riker leaned back a bit, resting his hand on the fountain ledge so he wouldn’t fall in. He was still close enough to Julian to hear his soft words over the cascade and bubbling of water. He could hear the party and their loud music and people laughing at the other end of the park. Someone was walking by with their dog. The wind was teasing, but gave a bit of relief from the heat.
It was probably a silly thing to notice that they were both wearing long sleeves, even in the heat. And they were both a bit disheveled in their appearance.
He met Julian’s eyes when he looked up at him, but once he glanced away again, Riker looked up at the darkened sky through the leaves of trees that surrounded the park. The city made it too bright to see the stars, but sometimes he could see a bright dot that was undoubtedly a planet.
Was it Jupiter?
He’d looked it up before. Both Ganymede and Lysithea orbited Jupiter. Not that he thought it meant anything, but like he and Yvoire, did it mean something that those closest to him in his life were connected in improbably close proximity in the universe?
He felt too insignificant and unqualified for something so innately profound.
Just like he felt too unqualified to pry into Julian’s life.
“A letter should be from the heart, right? I bet whoever receives it will be happy just to hear from you, instead of critique if you are good at writing,” he suggested, but he was also wondering why a letter? Why not an email? Or text?
Maybe it was just something Julian liked to do as a way to calm himself? But then why would he say he wasn’t good at it? Not that anyone had to be good at something to enjoy it.
“My mom tried getting me into Hillworth. Didn’t want to have to deal with me, probably. But they said I didn’t qualify or something. She was furious. I’m pretty sure she wanted me to do more than just let her be mad, because then surely I’d qualify. If I retaliated, maybe it would prove that I needed to be there.”
He didn’t look down from the sky, but he paused to chew thoughtfully on the inside of his cheek.
“You don’t get sent to Hillworth just because you move,” he said quietly, finally looking down from the sky to Julian once more. “Did something happen?”
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:52 pm
Julian didn’t want to answer. A shadow stretched on his face, but he was resigned. His eyes drifted to the warm light of the party. He could see everyone there but they couldn’t see him. He liked it more that way, he didn’t want to stand out. Everything was always easier when no one was looking at you.
“Kind of,” he answered. He might have liked the vagueness, but the silence hung heavy in the air no matter how brief it was between one word and the next. He couldn’t handle the pressure of it. When he swallowed, it felt so loud that he was certain it echoed throughout the park.
If he looked at the party at least it didn’t seem like he was trying to avoid Riker’s gaze.
“I guess technically I’m in the ‘broken homes’ category. It’s not permanent. I’m just waiting for a few things to clear up. And then I can go back home.” Absentmindedly, and probably not intentionally, he brushed his hand over the notebook he’d been writing in. Leaving his hand atop of it might have been deliberate, like now that his mind was on the subject he had to work extra hard to conceal what he was writing about.
Julian didn’t always seem so guarded. Usually he had an air of naivete about him and he was too trusting to expect anything nefarious. He didn’t think Riker was up to no good but Julian currently sat in the middle of a land mine of his own making and every conversation path seemed like it was heading straight for detonation.
He swallowed but it didn’t reassure him. His eyes were fixed on the party.
Julian didn’t have the energy to be anxious. He didn’t have the energy to side step the questions, or to come up with some believable half-truth.
He didn’t know exactly what to say.
Julian’s voice didn’t have much volume but it wasn’t like he wasn’t putting effort into trying to participate in the conversation. “You don’t belong in Hillworth. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t think I was going to be there for this long.”
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Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2024 6:47 am
“You don’t belong in Hillworth,” he parroted, but seemed a little more startled that Julian would try and reassure him when there was no way he deserved to be in a place like that.
He could see that Julian wasn’t looking at him. That was fine. This was fine. He didn’t come out to harass him. He just wanted to make sure he was okay. A broken family probably didn’t help to be magnified by the magic they’d dealt with.
Riker scowled across the park at the party and their happy music and laughter. He’d already told Julian about his life. About his dad wanting nothing to do with him. About his mom blaming him for being born. Julian had tried to reassure him then, so he wasn’t going to repeat the same stuff over and over, even if he wanted to convince Julian that he understood at least somewhat.
Not that he knew what Julian had been through. He wouldn’t tell him. And asking outright seemed like it would be pushing too far.
“What can I do? You don’t have to talk about anything, but if you need to, I’ll listen. That roommate of yours… he’s not a jerk to you, is he? Ugh, I’m going to guess not if you brought him with you. Whatever, don’t apologize. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry I just assumed and didn’t ask.”
Riker wanted to ask more, but it was either going to push Julian into opening up, or make him break. Riker wasn’t sure he wanted to take that risk.
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Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2024 7:45 am
Julian shrugged indifferently when Riker suggested he didn’t belong in Hillworth. It wasn’t ideal but he’d come to accept it. It was just temporary, after all. Just a placeholder. It made things easier for everyone, and even if he was sharing a small space with Luke it was still more space than he’d have back at the house. And he didn’t have to worry about his things going missing or getting broken.
“Luke’s nice,” he said, glancing out of the corner of his eye to see Riker. If he wanted to say more, he couldn’t really find the words. He was letting this get awkward. He just didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t entirely that he didn’t want to talk–he liked talking with Riker.
Everything just felt like so much right now, and trying to pull words from his mind felt like trying to move boulders. Even if he found the words, how was he supposed to string them together into a coherent sentence?
“I feel bad that you had to meet under those circumstances. I don’t know what I expected.”
It wasn’t like Urania's world. That was straight forward. He’d gotten overconfident. It wasn’t difficult for Julian to think that maybe he wasn’t cut out to be a Knight but he didn’t have the heart to tell anyone that maybe they’d made a mistake. Who was there to talk to? The Code? Lysithea?
What was there to say?
He hooked his ankles together and sighed heavily, more than his small frame seemed capable of. It was a breath he’d been holding in for a while even if he didn’t know it.
“He said the same thing, last night. That he’d listen if I needed to talk. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. I think, maybe I’ve said the same thing before, too. But then I realized that I don’t even know what it means. How does someone know what they need to talk about?”
He kept his thoughts to himself. He kept mostly everything to himself. It wasn’t Riker’s fault that he didn’t know where Julian went to school, he’d never told him. Julian didn’t tell anyone much of anything but they were kind enough to let him show up and hang out with them anyway. He wasn’t very interesting, he was just there. He liked them, he was glad to be there. They were good people and didn’t deserve his overabundance of caution. It wasn’t their fault that he was like this, he just didn’t want to stand out. He listened when they spoke, he nodded agreeably. Their happiness was contagious; he didn’t have to do anything but be there with them and he could leave in a good mood. Maybe it was selfish; they did all the work of socializing and talking and he just showed up and left with all of the benefits of their effort.
So what did Riker have to apologize about? He’d made sure he was safe on Fang–and now he was out here, checking on him and bringing him food he’d never tasted before. All Julian had done was wait for him by the fountain he’d already been sitting at.
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Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2024 7:54 am
“It’s because it’s obvious you’re keeping things bottled up and hidden,” Riker said before he could stop himself and think of a gentler way to explain why he was offering an ear if Julian needed it.
He winced. His ears burned. He held his breath as if in doing so, Julian wouldn’t disappear. Wouldn’t decide he was done and would go home -- back to his dorm at Hillworth.
“Wait, uh,” he floundered, frantically lifting a hand and waving it as if that would rearrange the words he’d already said into something that wasn’t stupid.
“Luke can probably sense it too. That there’s something hidden. And, I mean, I’ve noticed for a while now. Since we met, probably. Your wrist, for one,” he gestured, as though that would make it clear that he wasn’t just talking nonsense. “And you always look like you’re going to jump at a loud noise. Sometimes you do. Anyway, that’s not the point.”
Riker knew he was rambling, but he was worried. He felt like he knew but didn’t know.
“You know how I told you about talking to that guy in the Negaverse? I didn’t know I needed to talk about it until you asked me to elaborate. You make me feel seen -- heard. There’s only a few people who I can really trust and they’re all in the group we hang out with. But out of them, you’re the only one I told about that guy so far. I mean, I want to talk to them about it too, but it’s really weird to make come up in conversation.”
He’d talked to Evan too, of course, but he’d told Julian first. And in doing so, he really started to question if it was the right way to go or if there was another way.
“Anyway. I don’t believe that you just fell down the stairs. Your mannerisms are that of someone who’s probably had to go through a lot of s**t. And you’re used to keeping a low profile and staying hidden so maybe you’ll be ignored or overlooked. And I know I might be completely off, but that’s how I feel too. I’m just not as good at being quiet or small.”
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Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2024 8:02 am
“Oh,” Julian said, like that answered everything. Surprise flashed across his face briefly and he’d half turned to see Riker’s expression before he turned his gaze back to the party. A muscle in his jaw ticked a bit but it wasn’t easy to see in the shadows, doubly so with his hair framing his face.
He almost reached for his wrist, as if he needed to check on it, but he placed both hands in his lap and forced himself to be still instead.
A moment passed. The cogs in his mind had stopped working and he felt a sudden, intense pressure in his head. His heart was pounding but his lungs wouldn’t work. They didn’t feel painful, just empty, and no matter how much he breathed in or out he didn’t feel it.
He hadn’t passed out so he knew it was working. It just felt like he became so much more aware of his body. He just also felt detached from it.
Julian didn’t want to argue and he didn’t know if he could find a way to counter what Riker was saying. He wasn’t wrong on most counts but Julian couldn’t just say he was right, nor did he think he could side step the topic. He was too tired. It almost didn’t even feel worth it to try.
“...Lots of people keep things bottled up,” he said meekly, like it might have been more a justification for himself than an argument for Riker. “And lots of people don’t like loud noises. That’s normal.”
Lots of people hurt their wrists, too. What did it matter if it was on stairs or not? He still fell. And he liked being out of the spotlight, why should he want to be in it? He wasn’t special or important or helpful. He liked not standing out so he didn’t mind when he was ignored or overlooked. He was in a group with a lot of friends who had very vibrant personalities, or very good hearts. He was glad to be surrounded by them. Selfishly, because they made him feel better. And also because it was easy to miss him when they were around. He never felt left out when he was with them.
Julian didn’t focus on himself, he focused on Riker.
‘That’s how I feel too,’ and ‘You make me feel seen’, ‘heard’...
There were plenty of reasons Riker could have told him and not the others. Julian would have been a good trial run. He didn’t have it in his heart to hold anything against anyone, nor did he have a big mouth or feel like he needed to share anyone else’s secrets. Plus, he was easy to overlook–who would come to him for any sort of gossip or questioning, anyway?
He dug his heel into the brick wall he was sitting on but it wasn’t until his shoe made a gross, rubbery sound that he stiffened and stopped. Talia bought him these shoes, he didn’t want to mess them up.
“I don’t do a lot of thinking. So I don’t have a lot to say. I think I’m just sort of here. I’m glad you told me about that guy, though. And I’m really glad you didn’t go with him. But I don’t have anything like that going on, if that’s what you were worried about.”
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Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2024 8:19 am
He didn’t want to push Julian. They’d been through some rough couple days. Mostly emotionally instead of physically. There was a chance that whatever Riker could think to say, he could end up making Julian decide he didn’t want to be friends with him any more. Something about that thought made his heart throb painfully.
“Of course you don’t have a lot to say. You’re a musician, aren’t you? You express yourself through music.”
He was pushing his luck.
“Not liking loud noises isn’t the same as fight or flight kicking in. People might not like loud noises, but they don’t flinch or look scared. What made you freeze on Fang? You looked completely lost. Who are you writing to? Someone important if you’re writing to them a day after being made to feel like we did. I don’t think you’ve got anything like the Negaverse going on, but--... it feels like I’m watching you drown, but you think you deserve it. That you could reach out for help, but you’ve been forced down into the water so many times that-- what’s the point in trying? If you’re saved, you’re saved, but if you’re not…?”
Riker shrugged. His face burned instead of just his ears. He knew he was throwing a lot at Julian. It was probably cruel. But would it be worse if he pretended like nothing was wrong under the surface? He didn’t know the details -- how could he? Julian wouldn’t tell him. But there was something…
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