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 Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 7:55 pm
Luke had been doing his best to let Julian talk when he was ready. He had been quiet the whole walk home, though had looked at his friend and roommate every other step just to make sure he was still there. Just to make sure he was okay. He wanted to say something. It felt like every moment that he didn’t…was just another moment that Julian was slipping away, but Luke just…
Wasn’t sure how to start.
They spoke a few words when Julian asked if Luke wanted a shower, and Luke said that Julian could go first and Luke would get one later one…but that…
That gave him time to do something.
That something was some chocolate milk and graham crackers, set up on the floor, with Luke’s blanket spread out like a picnic blanket. He had a few pillows on the ground too, and the little area seemed cozy. Or, as cozy as a dorm could be…but still. He was trying.
He looked up when Julian came back in and gave a little smile. “...I have snacks…! Food…is the easiest way I know to try and help, and sometimes my words…don’t do what they’re supposed to, so would you like to join me for some snacks? A nice, safe indoor picnic!”
If it wasn’t wanted…he could get a shower too! This could wait! It was all cool.
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 7:59 pm
Julian hurried, as he always did, in the shower. He had given Luke the option to go first but Luke insisted that Julian did, and Julian was not–nor had he ever been–in any state to argue. He gathered his things quickly and took a fast shower. He didn’t want to keep Luke up any later. The bathroom was really the only place for any sort of privacy in their shared dorm but if he timed it right, he could just cry a little there, get out the loud stuff, and then he could crawl in bed and let his eyes leak a little more. But it would be dark, and he could be quiet!
He hated crying, he hated how it felt like giving in to emotions he should have been strong enough to overcome. It felt like accepting things he didn’t want to acknowledge, it felt like failure, it felt like self-pitying, it felt like wasting time and energy and resources.
He’d already cried earlier, so this was just gratuitous. It was gluttonous.
He wished he could help himself but he already felt the mounting pressure and if he didn’t have some safe outlet he was just as likely to burst into tears in front of someone and that was even worse because as soon as they saw him, he knew he couldn’t have kept it in.
Julian intended to make a beeline for his bed. He’d dried his hair as best he could but he was just going to deal with a wet pillow. He’d pull the blanket up over his head, curl up to the wall, maybe get out his emotions while Luke was in the shower, and then in the comfort of a dark room, sleep. Maybe.
All of that was out the window because Luke was doing something in the middle of their bedroom floor. They locked eyes for only a second before Julian was, in a panic, averting his gaze. Luke could probably see right through him.
He had to pretend like he’d forgotten his phone in the bathroom so mumbled a quick, “Be right back” before he slipped away for a quick breather. Just a few seconds, no more than ten, but it was enough for him to get back on the right track. His heart was pounding when he stepped out, like he’d been caught doing something wrong and expected to be scolded.
Impossibly, he managed a smile.
“More food?” he asked a little weakly. “You’re still hungry after dinner?”
It wasn’t a denial; even though Julian wanted to hide away, he still made his way to the blanket and took a seat across from Luke. He was careful not to step on anything and seemed like he was once again trying not to take up too much space or mess up what Luke had spread out for them.
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:01 pm
Luke noticed the red eyes, and he had noticed them before, but he just…wasn’t sure if he should mention them or…or not mention them. “...Food…is easy for me? I…sometimes don’t know what to say, when something’s wrong. I’m sometimes really afraid of saying the wrong thing, but food?” He gave a small, sheepish smile. “Food…is always safe. It’s always something that’s needed...and if it’s something chocolate…it’s often…a good healer? At least, my mom always would give us chocolate milk if something was wrong or we were upset.”
He reached up slowly and brushed his hair back out of his eyes, trying to give another, reassuring smile.
“...I’m sorry. I know I’m always pushing food on you…but like…it’s my big way of saying that I care? And I want to help? And…I just…don’t know how to express it in words?”
Hopefully that didn’t sound too awkward, and hopefully…it wasn’t too much to dump on Julian right now.
“I just want you to know that I’m here for you, if you can’t or don’t want to talk about what’s bothering you, that’s absolutely okay! I get it, but…I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere and…I hope that chocolate milk…helps. At least a little.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:01 pm
Julian couldn’t find the strength to raise his eyes from the blanket. He’d never looked at it so closely that he could see the individual fibers, but now he was picking it apart with his eyes as if it were the most interesting thing he’d ever seen.
There was no joy on his face; he was tired. He offered a polite, grateful smile. Luke was trying to be a good friend, he knew that. Julian just felt very worn down. He felt like fabric stretched too tightly, or string pulled so tightly it was ready to snap.
It wasn’t the first time Luke had offered him chocolate milk. Definitely not the first time dairy products had been offered. Sometimes, Julian politely declined. Sometimes he didn’t have the heart to.
His expression didn’t change when he looked at the chocolate milk. He was visibly weary, like he just didn’t have the energy to put on any mask.
“This was really thoughtful of you, thank you.”
Was it that obvious that something was wrong? Julian wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. He wanted to go to bed and wake up and have everything be back to normal tomorrow. He felt like a train derailing, like in the movies when the wheels locked up and sparks flew everywhere. He felt like he was trying to slam on the breaks and slow down and the momentum just kept pushing him forward when he wanted to stay put.
“I’m sorry about earlier. For what happened on Fang.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:03 pm
Luke shook his head. “Don’t be sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong…it was a mess up there…I’m just. I’m honestly glad that I was able to be there with you…I wish I could have done more to help you feel better…I…”
He watched his friend and hesitated. “...Would juice be better for you? I…I know that chocolate milk is my comfort drink…but…if you want something else, I can get it. Julian, I just…want you to be okay. But…”
Damnit. Why was it so hard to just string words together?
“I want you to know that you’re able to talk to me…I want…you to know that I’m…safe to talk to? You can tell me anything, if somethings’ bothering you, I want to be here to listen…I just…want to be what you need.”
Luke picked up one of the graham crackers and began breaking it along the perforated lines. “...Even if you don’t know what it is that you need…because…I absolutely get that…I’m just here for you…and I’ll try to show it in any way that I can and…I just…you’re safe...and if you ever needs space too…I’ll give it…I just…you can talk to me. You can tell me anything. No judgment. Ever.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:03 pm
Julian didn’t have anything to say. His mind was completely blank. He understood the offer–appreciated it–but what was there to say? He didn’t want to talk about anything. He didn’t like talking about himself. He felt like a spotlight was on him and he was burning under it. Could you get stage fright when you were just sitting on the floor of your bedroom with your friend?
His mouth felt dry but he didn’t reach for any offered drink.
“You did a lot,” he insisted. “I don’t want you to feel like it wasn’t enough.”
He watched Luke work at the graham cracker but he didn’t look up to see his face. It was easier to just watch his hands.
“I’m sorry. I make everything complicated. I wasn’t trying to. I don’t know what to say.”
Admitting it felt like a failure, though. He wanted to say something, he wanted to say what Luke wanted to hear. He just didn’t know what that was.
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:04 pm
Luke looked at Julian for a long moment, and then gave a small, sad smile. “You don’t make things complicated at all. I just…want to be here for you. No matter what.” He paused and shook his head. “No, I am here no matter what.” Maybe…he had to be more direct. To use his words to prove himself as well as his actions.
“How about I tuck you in then? You look so tired, Jules. I want you to feel safe. This is our home. If you don’t feel safe and relaxed here…” He shrugged. “I’m just so glad that we all got out of there in one piece.”
Slowly, he began to clean up the small picnic, and as he did so, he chewed the inside of his cheek…wishing he could just do better.
“I’m so proud of you…you know…that wasn’t an easy fight and you…you really did good, even if you think you didn’t. And I’m proud of you.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:04 pm
Julian didn’t move; his brows furrowed a little bit at the suggestion of being tucked in. He was tired but he didn’t feel unsafe. Hillworth wasn’t home, he didn’t know how Luke adapted so easily. Julian never complained, and he tried to find the good in it, but–
Home? Didn’t he miss being with his brother? His mother? Didn’t he miss his family?
Julian had been here for longer than Luke and he didn’t really think of Hillworth as a home. It was just a place. A temporary place. Summer was coming up soon–wasn’t Luke excited about real home? About not having to worry about the dorm checks in Hillworth, about not having to stifle his creativity and identity, about not getting harassed or bullied for just being in the wrong place at the wrong time?
It was hard to relax here, but Julian thought they wanted it like that. Maybe there was some psychology to it. Keep everyone on their toes and maybe it would make them behave better?
He didn’t judge anyone just because they went to Hlilworth but he’d met his fair share of people who seemed like they enjoyed their ‘bad boy’ brand.
He wasn’t one of them. Luke wasn’t.
“You don’t have to clean it up,” he insisted quietly. Luke had put all the effort into setting up the picnic but Julian was slow moving and hadn’t even made an effort to pick at anything. “I wasn’t…”
Ungrateful? Wasn’t trying to discourage him? Wasn’t trying to push him away? Luke wanted him to say more than he knew how to. His heart skipped a beat because he didn’t want to mess up this friendship of theirs. He knew that Luke could have been unwinding and relaxing and instead he was setting this up for Julian. To try and make him feel better.
But Luke was proud of him? Julian’s stomach churned. He reached up to rub at his eyes. He wasn’t crying but he felt a sudden tension that he couldn’t quite understand.
Ordinarily, he’d have been quiet. He wouldn’t have said anything. He’d have said thank you and filed away the praise to question another day in the privacy and solitude of his own mind. They weren’t words that would have ever fallen from his lips.
But Luke was here for him. Luke wanted him to talk.
So Julian wanted to understand.
“What do you think about, when you say those things? When you say I did good, or that you were proud of me. I don’t get it. I’m sorry.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:06 pm
Luke looked up at Julian, brows furrowing slightly. There was so much about Julian that he didn’t know…but…he had always done his best to just look at his friend at face value. What he didn’t want to share never really mattered. Not because it wasn’t important, but because it was something that Julien was hiding that just…wasn’t Luke’s business. He wasn’t going to use unseen and unknown information to cloud his fondness for who he saw Julian as.
“It was a hard fight…and clearly, a lot harder on you than you realized it would be…but you made it. You were strong enough to stay, even if you wanted to fully shut down or run away…you went in the first place, you’re so…you’re brave Julian. I’m…honestly really happy that you asked me to come too…and I’m so glad I was able to be there for you, at least a little bit…I…”
Luke ran a hand through his hair and shrugged, trying to figure out his words before saying something stupid.
“I want…if you can…I want to know what I can do to help in times like that…if you…and not now! I know now is not the right time to ask, I just…but when you can talk about it…if you can. I want to know how best to help you if and when you need it…it’s obviously not just shoving food at you but…that’s all I know. All I can really do…it’s comfort to me…I don’t know. When you feel like you can talk about it…or want to talk about it…would you be able to let me know what’s comfort to you? Again, not…not now! I don’t need an answer now, don’t even want an answer now…I just...I’m proud of you because I know how strong you are, Julian. And you’re an amazing person…and I’m just. Proud to be your friend.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:06 pm
For a moment, Julian was quiet. His chest hurt. His stomach, too. His head, but it was less now after his shower.
His brows furrowed a bit, because on one hand Luke wanted an answer, but he specifically said he didn’t want one right now, and–
He was going to have to have this conversation again? Was it going to be this awkward? He wondered if Luke could feel it. Maybe it was just Julian. It was probably just him. Luke was good with people, and friendly, and calm, and collected.
He probably wasn't saying that he didn’t want Julian to say anything else but the voice in the back of his head told him that he should just be quiet and nod and go to bed.
But Julian didn’t move.
An uncomfortable pressure had been building inside of him for a while now. He felt panicked, trapped. He wondered how long it would take Luke to fall asleep, and if Julian could slip out afterwards. The room felt so small. And hot.
He drew in one slow breath, held it, and then released it quietly.
“I don’t…think I deserve that praise. I think you give it too freely.” Luke wasn’t handling the graham cracker anymore so he didn’t know where to look. Back at the threadcount of the blanket. His brows stayed knitted together and the pressure in his chest worsened.
It was a hard fight. But Julian hadn’t fought. He wasn’t strong enough to stay, he froze up. And then he’d been in Reims’ arms. He did shut down. When he went in the first place, he thought it was going to be like the Chaos on Urania’s world.
He wasn’t brave. Even now, he was still reeling from the effects of the magic. He couldn’t shake the mood they’d pushed him in.
Julian was happy that Luke had been there, he was still glad that they were friends, but it wasn’t his finest moment. He was completely ashamed of himself. And Luke was proud of him for that? How? Why?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” It wasn’t just the praise. “I don’t know what comforts me, I don’t–I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” He wasn’t used to being comforted. He comforted himself. He bottled everything up very carefully and pushed it as far down as possible, into the acid that seethed in the back of his mind, where all the negativity could melt it away. If he gave it a few hours, it would be completely gone. Maybe not tonight, maybe he’d have to sleep it off. But eventually, all of it would just go away.
He wasn’t mad at Luke, he didn’t sound upset. He sounded lost. Frustrated, but not at him. It was born of confusion and panic and disappointment and shame.
“It just goes away on its own. If I’m upset I just go to bed. I don’t need anything fancy. I’m not trying to be difficult. I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. I–I thought the picnic was very nice of you to do for me. I thought it was sweet. I’m sorry I messed it up.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:07 pm
Luke nodded slowly, but the only thing that he could think…could focus on was…the fact that that…wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t...the way someone should respond to things…of course like, going to bed, cooling off…taking time for yourself, that made sense…but....
He knew things didn’t just go away on their own…if they did…if they did the world would be a far more stable place, and honestly? Maybe the war wouldn’t even be happening. Hillworth wouldn’t have the reputation that it did and there wouldn’t be so much anger out there…
Finally, Luke hesitated. “Are you…okay with a hug? You don’t know what comforts you, but there’s studies that hugs…do good things? And when I used to get frustrated a lot as a kid…my brother always would hug me, if you’re not in the mood, that’s totally fine! What soothes one person isn’t always what soothes another, and I get that. I understand if you want to just try to let this go away on its own, but…on the off chance that it doesn’t, Julian…I’m here. I’m not going anywhere…and I care about you, and you’re not difficult. Not at all…it’s just bad feelings and…if you’ve…”
He frowned again, trying to figure out how to say what he meant without it getting garbled. “If you’ve…not had the opportunity of being taken care of…I get that you’d rather do things on your own…but. I don’t know…”
Luke slipped the packet of graham crackers back into the box and closed the tab before putting it on the small shelf beneath his bed.
“If you don’t…want to have to…do it alone. You…you don’t have to. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, or what to feel, I’m just…saying if you want comfort. If you want something different than what you have…I’m your friend, and I’ve got your back. No questions asked and like I said, no judgment…not ever.”
He looked up at Julian and gave a small, hopeful smile.
“And no, I don’t…think I give my praise too freely. I mean it. Every word, and I’m not taking it back…”
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:10 pm
Julian’s expression didn’t change. He nodded but he couldn’t make the muscles in his face move into a smile. He was tired. Things still didn’t make sense. Practically speaking, he understood the words.
He could rely on Luke to help him when he needed it. Luke cared enough about him to try and figure out what he could do to help.
Luke hadn’t asked him to be honest, he’d just insisted that he would be there if Julian wanted to talk. He had encouraged him to talk.
Julian didn’t think he really knew what he was asking. He was being a good friend but he wouldn’t want to deal with what he was actually asking. Julian didn’t learn to be secretive for fun, it was just better that way. For everyone. He blew his own problems out of proportion and made trouble for everyone. The more they knew, the worse it was.
Luke didn’t deserve that. He was a good person.
He didn’t really want a hug right now. Luke might feel the way he was trembling. The room wasn’t even cold. He didn’t want Luke to feel his heart rattling against his chest.
“I can do a hug.”
He didn’t get up, though; he didn’t want to move too quickly and make himself dizzy. Every new thought he had felt like a needle poking him directly in his brain. He was overthinking things. He was catastrophizing things that probably should have been simplified.
Luke wasn’t pressing, though. Julian felt like a bomb whose timer was rapidly ticking towards its last few seconds, except by some miracle the clock had stopped.
He breathed, slowly. Calmingly. It helped, a little.
Luke said he wasn’t difficult because he didn’t know how difficult Julian could be. He was proud of him because he didn’t know enough to be ashamed. He didn’t judge him because he didn’t have the evidence to. He was his friend because Julian knew how to keep his mouth closed.
Julian knew that Luke had good intentions and maybe that’s what made it worse. His stomach twisted uncomfortably again and he thought he might throw up. He didn’t want to waste dinner, though.
He tried to swallow the lump in his throat but it didn’t seem to be going anywhere. “Thank you, Luke.”
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:11 pm
Luke watched him and slowly put the chocolate milk back into the mini fridge below his bed and began to pick up the blanket. He was still moving slowly, as though if he did something wrong. Moved too fast…he would startle Julian. And would ruin all of this that he had built up.
After a moment, Luke pulled a bottle of water from the shelf. Room temperature water was supposed to be best for hydration…or at least he thought he read that somewhere. Maybe…
“Here…take this at least. And…” Crossing over to Julian, he knelt down beside him and draped the blanket around his shoulders. “I’m here. I want to help you. I want to know. I want you to be able to talk to me if you ever need to, and I’m not going anywhere. I mean it. If.”
He hesitated and closed his eyes for a moment but then looked back at his friend. “If you’re going to be here again next year. In Hillworth, I mean. I’ll stay too. We’ll stay roommates. We’ll get through all of this together.” He didn’t want to. He wanted to go to a school with more freedom…didn’t want to be judged all the time but.
He didn’t want to lose his best friend either. “I’m here. And I’m not going to pry, but…the water will help…I don’t want you to get dehydrated.” From the crying. He wasn’t going to say it out loud but…he knew. He just. Didn’t know if it was allowed to be mentioned but.
Slowly, carefully he wrapped an arm around Julian’s shoulders and gave a little squeeze before pulling away. “I…feel like I’m just messing it all up, and I’m sorry for being so weird…I care about you so much…and I just. I hope that’s at least coming across a little bit…”
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:11 pm
Julian accepted the water with a soft word of thanks and held it between both hands uncertainly. He didn’t know why Luke was so anxious or worried. Was he being weird? Maybe a little, but only because Julian didn’t know how he was supposed to react or what he was supposed to do to make Luke happy. He didn’t know what he wanted him to talk about. Pointless topics popped into his head–the broken water fountain down the hall, the stain on the rug, the scuff on his shoes he didn’t know how to get out, the last test he’d taken.
Luke didn’t want to hear about those things. Julian just didn’t know what he did want to talk about.
In some ways, maybe he was glad that Luke was so vague. It meant that Julian didn’t have to sidestep a topic that made him uncomfortable. On the other hand, he was worried about frustrating Luke or losing his friend.
“...I don’t think it works like that,” he said instead, after a moment. Hillworth didn’t care about who went where. It was luck that they got to be together this year at all. Julian had never taken Luke for granted but he was pretty sure he’d spent all of his good fortune just by having him as a roommate once. Twice? It would never happen. “I don’t want you to be stuck at Hillworth. You’re only here because of an accident. And I bet your mom really misses you. I’m going to go home soon. I’m not going to be here forever, I’m going to go to Meadowview.”
And even if they got separated for a little while, it was just a little while. It wasn’t like he was going to cease to exist or anything.
He’d missed out on the snacks and drinks Luke had pulled out but he wasn’t going to make that mistake again. He fumbled with the lid of the water and then sipped at it. He just wanted Luke to see that he was trying and that he was listening and that he was grateful.
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Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:12 pm
“It might, or it might not. I know my mom will try if it comes to that…but. I hope that you get to go home soon…I…” He hesitated, and honestly…he didn’t really know what home that Julian had to go to…it hadn’t…
“Meadowview seems nice. That’s where my cousin goes, she’s super sweet, and it seems like a really good school…I hope. You get to go home…and I hope that home is really good when you do…”
He felt a little pleased that Julian was drinking the water, but…
“I can’t see Hillworth putting up much of a fuss for us rooming together if it comes to it. We’ve not caused any issues anywhere and like…Maybe the good PR that we give is…going to help their image?”
Okay. Out of all the things that Luke or Julian had said so far tonight, that one felt the most like a lie, and he couldn’t help but giving a small snort at the very thought.
“...Okay, so maybe not but…it’s a good hope at least? But. I will really hope that we end up in Meadowview and get to share a bunch of the same classes. That sounds even better.”
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