There were a bunch of times now when he wanted to tell Moon she ruined his life, but of course that wasnt fair because she’d given him his children. Ivanna, Nikolai and Silas were so amazing and he loved them all so deeply.
He looked to his children watching Monster House, as it was about as scary as Nikki was will to go and good enough to where Livvi and Emme didn't get immediately bored. He looked up hearing what he thought was the door. “Mitry, you home?”
On the other hand, Dmitry thought couples therapy was working, but not at the same time. He understood that there were boundaries and he respected them so much with Ry but there was a part of him that was just so angry and he wasn't sure how to get rid of that feeling. At first rough sex seemed to help with that frustration but now that he was trying to find alternatives with their therapist for that anger and he just….Couldn't right now. Sure if Ryan wanted sex he would make sure to give him his all so he would be satisfied, but that was about it really.
It's strange to admit that this was affecting his sex drive but here they were.
For lack of a better term he could not have his cake and eat it too. He should not be angry at Ryan for something that he had no control over…He should not act like a spoiled brat or try to think of ways that maybe this could work because the logical side of him was already telling him it wouldn't. Then the cycle began anew because he was upset all over again. He stiffened when Ryan asked if he was home, “Yep, I'm here. You okay?” Did the kids need something? Cause he would change diapers if he had to.
Ryan raised a brow at his husband giving him a contemplating look for a moment before he shrugged it off. “No, I'm fine. Just working while the kids watch Monster House, they are blessedly quiet.” He smiled at his husband softly before asking, “... are you okay Mitry?”
He looked to their children still blessedly engrossed in the TV, but he doubted that would last long once their kids realized Dmitry was home, especially Emme. He absolutely hated that his nearly two year old regular asked his papa for Hellraiser. That had a gaggle of toddler running around shouting hellraiser at each other one day and it was not really amusing. Ryan was certain though as soon as Emme saw Mitry, he’d ask for. It was the weirdest thing because Emme rarely ever made it even half way through the movie before he was out like a light.
He put a finger to his lips and pointed to the kids.
Dmitry noticed that the kids were occupied, shrugging and whispering, “Fine.” He quietly made his way to the bedroom, shutting the door with as much softness as he could. He was tired, and frankly if Ryan could take care of the kids then he would be all the more happy for it.
Ryan frowned at his husbands response and sighed. He looked to make sure their little ones were still preoccupied and followed his husband to the bedroom. He walked in and closed the door before standing there and looked at his husband. “You say one thing … fine … but your body language says the opposite … more often then not lately.”
He almost wanted to ask if they were going to make it through this in one piece. Whatever this was?
He opened his mouth to speak again, but wasnt really sure what to say before asking the first thing that came to mind.
“Are you depressed?”
Well of course his body language would say otherwise, but he wasn't sure if he was even ready to talk this out with Ryan again if ever. He hand his hand through his hair, “M’fine Ry, just working through s**t.” When his other half asked him if he was depressed he almost lashed out in anger, but that wouldn’t do anything but make an already growing situation worse, “I don't know….Maybe?” Would it matter if he was? No, not really. At least thats what he was thinking, which was why he wasn't going to elaborate on it further and hopefully Ryan would just let sleeping dogs lie. “I just need more time for things.” he started pacing while he talked, his agitation growing by the minute.
Maybe he needed to go out boxing again just to see if it would work this time. Damien made an excellent sparring partner and he could take so any punches and still keep going. It was relieving in the moment but once it was over….He wasn't satisfied.
Ryan held in a sigh because they just weren't getting anywhere … and Dmitry didn't seem to want to or be able to talk to Ryan. He clammed up and held a lot in now …Ryan didn't know how to fix it or if he even could.
When Mitry said he was maybe depressed, Ryan nodded, “I'm sorry …,” he started wanting to hug his husband and pause his pacing. He did sigh, when said he needed more time, before turning and walking out of the room. He was going to get his phone, going to dial the number he wished he could delete.
He pressed the call button and listened as it rang, stiffening to hear Moon’s voice on the other side giving a hello. Ryan said one sec and headed back to Dmitry before saying okay and pressing his phone to his ear.
“Hello,” Moon said sounding clearly confused. “Dmitry misses you,” Ryan said.
Dmitry was not expecting for Ryan to call Moon. If he even so far as mentioned he was going to call he would have immediately shut that down. The look of shock on his face was there for a second, but then it morphed into a mix of anger and surprisingly hurt. Taking a deep breath, Dmitry cleared his throat, “Moon I'm sorry, this was an accident. We can explain a bit later?” He could hear the confusion and sadness in Moon’s voice and it did nothing but make him even more upset. He was not ready to talk to her, hell he was working on just shutting her out [unless it was for the kids] and he really truly understood that Ryan was trying to help.
But all it did was make him want to walk back out that door so he could go punch a tree or something.
He looked Ryan in the eye, “Look. I'm going to go run to Damiens for a bit.” He couldn't do this right now and if he stayed he was bound to say something that was just going to ******** up everything again so he wasn't even going to try.
Ryan was glaring at Dmitry, having pulled the phone back and pressed the mute button. He wasn’t sure she’d even stay on the phone. “Fine! Whatever, go to Damien’s … keep running,” Ryan shouted, boiling over with frustration. Hell he didn't even know what he was saying if he was honest, just nothing seemed like it was going to make this better.
“I want nothing more than to help you through this and I dont know what I can do, but it doesn't seem like therapy is even helping … you're just withdrawn and sullen all the time … I … I …,” he said before tossing his phone on the bed and heading into his closet. He grabbed a duffle and just started blindly shoving clothes in it.
He was overly worked up and over reacting, but maybe time apart was the solution here. He could take the kids to visit his parents or something.
Running?! What?!
He was TRYING to FIGURE this s**t out?! Like what the ******** does he want him to do?! If he talks, he feels like s**t. If he doesn't talk he STILL feels like s**t and god forbid he try to do the right thing and walk ...Something the therapist TOLD him to do when things were getting to be too much. Despite the fact he wanted to scream, shout, break s**t and just over all smoke a ******** chimney, he was going to do this the RIGHT way. First, as much as he knew this was going to blow up in his face, he had to apologize to Moon and hopefully work up the courage to call her back, maybe just confess but that didn't sit right with him, mainly because his ******** marriage wasn't right. It wouldn't be fair to Moon if he kicked something like that off.
After unmuting the phone he politely told Moon he would call her back, to which of course she didn't believe him….Understood, valid. He would deal with her later.
Once the phone was off he made his way to Ryan’s closet, stepping in to wrap his arms around the shaking man from behind. “Ry… I'm sorry. We can talk. I'm just so ******** afraid I'll ******** up again and I cant…Wont do that to you. When I said I need more time, I really do. I'm trying to take something that's been going on for a couple of years and just erase it. That's not an easy task. I know I've been distant, I know I need to do better. I'm ******** trying, but I'm just so ******** angry.” He tightened his hold and continued, “I'm angry at the situation, at you, at moon, but most importantly, I'm angry at myself for even letting something like this happen. I should've known better, I should've talked to you when I first started noticing signs. But instead I selfishly thought that this would be something that benefited the both of us when in fact it was more benefitting to me. To come to terms with that just makes me feel like this disgusting person and I hate it.”
He wasn't crying, but his voice sounded so…Defeated.
Ryan tensed and then relaxed against his husband, he loved this man so much. He listened to him speak and looked back shocked to hear the word erase where his feelings for Moon were concerned … you can't just erase … you … had the therapist led him to believe that. Ryan never heard him express it that way and honestly it didn't sit well … didn't feel right? Ryan found thinking about it that way, he didn't want that … that wasn't the right way.
He realized he probably knew some of this deep down, it showed in their interaction over the months. He looked confused when Dmitry said he thought it would benefit them both. Ryan didn't really understand why he thought that.
“Why … How would it benefit me? You love her,” he asked genuinely wanting to know and not trying to hurt Dmitry in any way.
Dmitry chuckled sadly, “Sure, I do. But you are the love of my life Ryan. I might love Moon but I don't want to lose you.” he did frown when it came to his next question, pulling them both to just sit down in the closet while he continued to hold him, “Babe, having Moon around would benefit the both of us in more than one way. She could help with the kids, and very much explain our youngest’s obsession with scary movies. Great fashion sense, and uhh….Not that Ive experienced this but it could be interesting having her be with us when doing things.” He was trying, but he was not good at fancy words and s**t. “Erm sexual. Like with new experiences and everything. As much as we like to say, we both started out bi-sexual.” He leaned back and pinched the bridge of his nose, “I'm not explaining this right. I'm sorry.”
He sighed and leaned back in to place his nose in Ryan’s hair, taking in the scent, “I don't know what else to say.”
Ryan calmed thoroughly leaning back to his husband and listening to him, while also straining to hear their kids in the living room. They for sure had a least another 30 minutes in the movie, but Livvie knew how to work the remote, so whether they were still watching Monster House was anyone guess. He could hear laughter, so he figure they were good.
He honestly hadnt even given he husbands, idea … his request was enough thought maybe. He chuckled at the bi-sexual comment and almost uttered a denial, but it was true … Ryan had never been into guys before Mitry, but also had only been with one woman.
“Mitry you know you can’t just erase love, right? IT doesn't work like that and honestly … honestly I dont think I want you to go about it that way. I think it will hurt you more.” he sighed deeply, “besides it wont work …Moon told Livvie and Nikki you're like her best friend. Thats true isnt it?”
Dmitry stiffened, holding Ryan tighter. Of course it was true but he wasn't sure if admitting to it would just hurt Ry so he gave a silent nod instead. He was so used to just sharing stupid s**t with Moon like pictures and videos of Emorali singing the rhyme from one of the nightmare on elm street movies or Nikki trying to twerk to the barney song of all things. Or when he caught Livvie trying to sing along with that new kendrick song he was so fond of. It was so weird just keeping moments like that from her when he was so used to sharing and including her in their children’s lives.
“Ry….It. It ******** hurts. So ******** much. I'm tired, I don't know what to do.” He hated that he sounded like a lost child, trying to hold back tears yet again. Wasn't he in his thirties now? Or almost there?! He should not be crying, and it was doing nothing but making him feel worse.
Ryan nodded and toyed with a piece of Dmitry’s hair that tumbled over his shoulder. He loved his husband's red hair, it was so long now. He and Livvie were basically in competition for the longest hair … while he and the boys were a mess of wild blonde curls, like Moon. Ryan chuckled, “what if we take a what will be will be approach, call moon and talk to her. Everyone hates it when their bestie is ignoring them and Mitry …”
Ryan paused and turned to look his husband in the eyes, “tell her the truth …”
Ryan didn't know where he was going with this, but what he did know was things were all over the place and well their therapist was beyond fired.
The feel or Ry's hands in his hair caused a whole nother feeling to develop, one that he was sure wasn't exactly appropriate at the moment. It was almost distracting, but Ryan mentioned that he should confess to Moon, something he wasn't sure he could do. “A-Allright, I can try.
kaori_luv
