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 Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 7:29 pm
There would have been a small welcoming party for everyone when they arrived on Alastor, but it was quickly decided that Devyn and Percy were better suited to rest. They’d both been pushed well beyond their limits, and while Devyn was still making a solid effort to act like his body didn’t feel like it was falling apart around him, he’d also promised to slow down.
He also wanted to have some time with Percy. Nothing against his friends–family–but he’d realized Percy had put up a wall and withdrawn into himself.
They traveled from Sessrumnir to Alastor using the portal between their worlds, and Devyn was too tired to care about the foot traffic from one bedroom to the other. Virgil carried Madison–to keep him off his ankle, of course–and Marius accompanied them and Lucien back to the Hall.
Lukas was with Celyn in the lobby still, though Atrius had since joined them. He’d acquired a room and dropped off all of his belongings, and Virgil’s and Madison’s. He waited for them with two bouquets of roses, and a picnic basket. Marius, exhausted as he was, was already trying to plan for what other projects he could take on. He had a notebook with him and scribbled, but mostly he stayed with Celyn to keep him company until they had an all clear that it was safe to go back to Sessrumnir.
Devyn kept the tablet close to him so he could relay messages back and forth with Lukas. He wanted to be kept up to date about what was going on, but more than anything he wanted to have some time with Percy.
The bedroom door was locked and they’d turned off the doorway between Sessrumnir and Alastor. He wanted no surprise visitors.
He’d lit some candles when they arrived, and pulled out Percy’s music box. It was playing softly from the floor. Devyn was moving slowly, mindful of his injuries but intent on taking care of Percy. They had cold water by the bedside, and a few snacks he’d pulled out. He’d gotten extra pillows and tucked Percy in, and then he’d crawled in next to him.
When his head hit the pillows, a heavy sigh evacuated his lungs, and he felt like all of his energy went along with it. Still, he rolled his head to see Percy. “Hey, Perce.”
He was tired. He sounded tired. He wasn’t trying to hide it too much. Percy had wanted him to be honest, so he was doing his best. Mostly.
“I love you.”
He’d have kissed him all over if he wasn’t worried about jostling either of them. He knew Percy was hurt and he wanted to give him time and space to make himself comfortable. But, he knew he wanted to be close, so he carefully wrapped his arm around Percy as he scooted closer in bed. “How are you doing?”
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 7:34 pm
Percy hated this. He did his best to offer reassuring smiles to the others as they parted to head towards the lobby, but as soon as the door was locked, and he was under the covers, Percy wasn’t sure he could keep up the act even if he wanted.
Everything hurt. Physically and emotionally. He felt like he was a failure as a Knight. He felt like his emotions made it impossible for people to trust him because they’d just think about worrying him, instead. Of course he was going to worry! Whether or not he cried about it.
He loved Devyn, and wanted to do anything in his power to help him. But he was quickly finding out that he didn’t have much power to start with.
Even though he wanted to, he didn’t immediately respond when Devyn spoke to him. He was afraid that if he opened his mouth, he would just start crying, and his chest hurt when he did that, and he felt worse.
But he did place his hand over Devyn’s arm when he wrapped it around him. He tried not to fiddle with the bandages. He didn’t want to give Devyn another reason to pretend like he was perfectly okay.
After a few moments he turned his head just enough to meet Devyn’s eyes. He was holding back the tears, but his eyes were red. Instead of saying anything, he just shook his head.
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 7:53 pm
It was a stab in his heart, but Devyn had already known the answer. Percy wasn’t doing well. And for all the walls Devyn had tried to lower, Percy had just put his own up. He smiled sadly at his husband. There was no mirth.
He loved Percy, he was happy to be with him. But Percy was miserable, so he was, too.
“Oh, love. I’ve said you’ll hurt yourself if you keep those tears in. Please don’t. You’ve had a very hard day. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through. You’ve been strong for so long. It’s just me now. I’ve been honest with you, now you be honest with me.”
He brushed his thumb across his cheek gently, like he wanted to coax the tears out. He was mindful to avoid any of the bruises.
There were ice packs and damp rags within reach. He’d tried to be ready for anything. Tears had seemed imminent.
Percy was not usually so withdrawn. Of course Devyn was going to worry more when he was still holding back.
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 7:56 pm
Again, Percy didn’t say anything in response right away. He didn’t want to start crying. Whether or not he’d hurt himself holding everything back…? Maybe Devyn was right. Was probably right. He was obviously ready for tears. Percy doubted he could hold back for long, even if he wanted to.
“What about you?” he finally whispered, although he selfishly took another moment to soak in the warmth from Devyn’s gentle touch. “I can’t imagine what you’ve been through today.”
Or the day before, or the past week, or any time Devyn told him everything was fine and yet still showed up with knife wounds being held together with sap.
“If I was stronger… I wouldn’t have needed any help. I wouldn’t have had to pull you away from your work. That just means now it’ll take longer to--”
He choked a little on the words as the emotions threatened to break through.
He already knew that things would never be as they were before, and part of that was because he couldn’t do anything on his own.
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 8:01 pm
“No, Perce. It’s not. I got lucky on my trip. Not entirely, but enough. I made a lot of allies. And I helped a lot of people. I didn’t make it as far as I wanted, but I did a good job and I’m going to let myself be proud of it. Even if I didn’t stick to the plan. And it’s okay, I’ll figure out something else.”
He didn’t want to make this about him, he didn’t want to whine about what he’d been through.
But Percy was going to beat himself up. He was going to find ways to criticize himself. He was going to let Serge’s words poison him.
“No one’s strong enough to do everything on their own, Perce. I come pretty close,” he insisted, because he really didn’t want Percy to worry about him. He could do anything. He believed that. He wanted Percy to trust in him.
“But I need help, too. Don’t spin it like you are. ‘If I was stronger’. What if I said to you, ‘If I was stronger, Villefort never would have happened’?”
Was it true? Yes. But he hadn’t even known how to be stronger. He wouldn’t have known how to overcome it if he’d never been exposed to it.
Devyn thought that. He just didn’t say it. Percy had so much guild, so much grief, about all the things that had gone wrong.
“I wasn’t strong enough then. I learned. It won’t happen again. So it was a good learning experience. And a lot of good came out of it, Perce. It was a shitty situation, and I couldn’t do it myself. You came to me, and you saved me. So what’s a little help between us, Perce? We’ve been a team for as long as I’ve known you. No distance will keep me from you. You didn’t pull me from my work. I made that decision. And I knew Valhalla could be there quicker. I wouldn’t have cared if he did everything I did but faster. I’d still want to be here with you. You didn’t choose to be attacked. Someone else did. And that’s not as normal for you as it is for me. It’s their fault, not yours, okay? I need you to know that, Perce. I’m proud of you. You’ve done everything right. No matter what Serge said. He’s just upset right now. I don’t want you to listen to him too much right now.”
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 8:03 pm
If Devyn was stronger…? No, he was already strong. It was Percy who decided to keep Devyn from using all of his strength to break whatever was keeping him curse bound. He could have. That was why Marius wanted him to tell Devyn to be obedient. Because he knew if he didn’t get better control over Devyn, their connection would have been broken sooner or later.
But Percy had already told Devyn how he felt about his decision to pick his well being over what he knew Devyn thought was right. He was pretty sure there would always be guilt eating away at him.
He wasn’t sure he would call Villefort a learning experience, but he didn’t argue. He glanced back up at the ceiling instead, but kept his hand over Devyn’s arm, gently brushing his fingers along warm skin.
The events in Villefort changed their lives forever, and he knew that. He was glad they were able to help Marius and the village, but Marius’ actions were something they would need a lot of time to adjust to. He doubted they would be able to overcome the change, but maybe they could figure out a way to get used to it.
To always being away from each other unless one was hurt.
“I’m not very proud of myself,” he admitted, his voice barely a whisper. He felt guilty, of course. Devyn didn’t deserve any of this. He had more important things to do than listen to Percy whine about things.
“It was my fault the boy almost died,” he confessed, although he wasn’t sure if his voice was even loud enough for Devyn to hear. “They told me to open the vault or they’d kill him. I tried to get Princess back from them instead and they--”
But that was okay. He was able to use the last of his energy to transfer it to the boy, and he survived.
That didn’t change the fact that Percy chose to protect Sessrumnir’s secrets over the life of a child.
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 8:04 pm
“And they failed,” Devyn finished. He heard Percy. He spoke louder than him, but not over him. He was confident. There was no uncertainty. “In an impossible decision you made an impossible choice. And you still succeeded, where anyone else would fail. You kept Sessrumnir safe. You are alive. He’s alive.”
Devyn moved so he could rest his hand over Percy’s stomach. He didn’t dislodge Percy’s hand from atop his arm, but he just wanted to be closer.
“You’re not proud of yourself because you’re only thinking of the things you think could have been done better. You’re holding yourself to impossible standards. You were outnumbered. Blindsided. Sometimes, you can’t save everyone, Percy.” Devyn did not–could not–hide the pain in his voice. “No matter how hard you try.”
Devyn spoke from experience, undoubtedly.
“No matter how hard you wanted to. Sometimes you have to make a decision you don’t want to. If you hadn’t done what you did, they might have gotten their hands on a weapon we can’t even imagine. If I’d been in your position, I’d have done the same thing. Only, I wouldn’t have been able to save him like you did. Please give yourself some credit, Percy. Chances are that they wouldn’t have let him live even if you did open it. People like that don’t care about who they hurt. You could do everything they want and it wouldn’t matter. Don’t blame yourself, Percy. Blame them.”
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 8:10 pm
A little sob escaped, and Percy squeezed his eyes shut, just in case the tears tried to start. He knew Devyn was right. He knew he was probably being too hard on himself. But there was so much that kept building and building, and there didn’t seem to be any chance of it stopping.
He heard the pain in Devyn’s voice, and if Percy could have rolled over to drape himself across Devyn he would have. But it was difficult enough to move.
Percy crossed his other arm across his stomach, lacing his fingers with Devyn’s as he rested his against him.
“If Sessrumnir doesn’t get its energy back--... There’s so many people who rely on those Springs. In saving one person, I might have hurt countless others.”
He sobbed quietly again, frustrated with himself. He didn’t want to be like this.
“I’m sorry. I was scared-- I didn’t know what to do--”
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 8:12 pm
With Percy’s fingers entwined with his, Devyn squeezed his hand.
“Perce,” he said softly. “Sessrumnir will get its energy back. You don’t have to apologize for being scared. We’re going to have all sorts of setbacks in our life, but no matter what, I know you’re going to come out on top. You’re too clever, you work too hard. It’s going to be okay.”
It wasn’t lip service; Devyn seemed to genuinely believe this. It wasn’t just some hasty effort to quickly ease Percy’s worries–Sessrumnir was going to be okay. Percy was going to be okay. They were going to be okay.
Devyn believed this, undoubtedly. Even if he didn’t know how they were going to fix things, he knew Lucien was already working on something. If they had to ask Serge, they could. He’d call in whatever favors he had to help.
“This is my priority right now, okay? Sessrumnir, and you. I can put Alastor on hold for a little bit.” He had so much work to do, but Devyn made it sound like it was easy to put everything off to the side. But then, Percy had already sacrificed so much, done so much, for him. It was only fair.
“So I’ll be here to support you. Whatever you need. We’ll get Sessrumnir back on its feet, better than ever. So you don’t have to beat yourself up, Perce. We can get to work as soon as we rest a little. Unless you have an idea you want to try now.”
Which was probably ill advised for both of them, but if it was Percy, he could deny him nothing.
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 8:16 pm
He wanted to believe Devyn. He wanted to help make sure that everything Devyn said came true. He’d already been working so hard to try and make sure things were stabilized and getting better on Alastor. He wanted to ease Devyn’s troubles and worries.
And yet he was wasting the time they had together by crying and complaining about things.
He knew Devyn was sacrificing a lot to make him and Sessrumnir his priority. And Percy shook his head stubbornly, still distressed.
“You can’t--” he sobbed, finally removing his hand from Devyn’s arm so he could hide his face behind it. “If you wait too long, things will get worse here. You’ve been doing so much and working so hard, you can’t just take a break--”
Percy wanted Devyn to take a break. He wanted Devyn to rest and take a moment to breathe. He wanted to figure things out with Devyn by his side.
But that was the selfish answer. He was desperate to have Devyn with him again.
“If either of us stop for too long-- things will just start slipping backwards again-- I don’t want to just see you when something bad is happening. I hate this. I just want to hold you and I can barely move-- And you’re hurt so don’t!” he sobbed, his voice muffled by his hand.
Of course, finally admitting that he just wanted Devyn in his arms and vice versa made him cry harder because he knew it was selfish but also because he knew Devyn would probably try to indulge him which could end up with Devyn hurting himself.
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 8:19 pm
It wasn’t a break, not really. But Devyn didn’t want to tell Percy that. He wanted this illusion that they could have a moment for themselves, that they could have peace. He’d worked so hard to chip away at some of the disdain and fear that had been growing on his world.
Tonight, he should be arriving in a city on the other side of the mountain. He should be meeting with a great number of important people.
There was no way he was going to make it. Disappointment and failure weighed heavily on his heart, and he could feel the clawing and gnawing sensation of disappointment working its way through his rib cage.
The golden necklace Percy wore spun slowly, peacefully. Devyn’s eyes found it for a moment, and if he looked for long enough he could almost trick himself into thinking he was really that put together.
“I’m not hurt that badly, Percy,” he said gently. Maybe he was. It was worth it to pull Percy closer so he could hold him to his chest. He was careful, so careful, for both of them. In doing so, he ached, but it didn’t hurt. And, as soon as Percy was against him, he adjusted the blanket and pulled it up to cover his shoulders.
He wanted Percy to cry, to let it out.
Devyn couldn’t, so Percy had to do it for the both of them.
“Things aren’t going to be like this forever. But I’m sorry,” he said, and he meant it. He knew this wasn’t easy on Percy. It wasn’t easy on him either, but if he were being honest, he cared more about how it was affecting Percy than himself. “I didn’t want things to be like this. I really thought it was going to be better. I thought I’d have been able to do more by now.”
And he had, but–
Villefort was a dark shadow in his mind. He understood why things had happened. He didn’t blame Percy. It was just another setback.
He drew in a calming breath. “But we’ve got help. Lucien’s here. So maybe I can get with him and the Council and we can come up with a new plan. One that’s better than this. I hate being away from you for so long. I miss you so much, Perce. All the time. I want something better for us, too.
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 8:19 pm
“I miss you, so much--” Percy sobbed into Devyn’s chest now that he was maneuvered onto it. He’d winced a little, but Devyn was always careful with him, so he wasn’t in that much pain. No more than he already was in at least.
“I just want to be with you--”
He missed the couple years they had together as newlyweds. Before Villefort of course. It seemed like so long ago now, but they had time together to do whatever they wanted. Now, he knew Devyn had difficult journeys to make. He had people who wanted to fight him, wanted to hurt him. And all that time, Percy couldn’t help him.
He could feel the orb against his chest, but sometimes he knew that Devyn was forcing himself to remain calm. What was the point of sharing something connected to him if he was just hiding how he felt? Devyn was the one who gave it to him, so he’d always have part of him with him, but if it was just what he wanted Percy to feel and not how Devyn actually felt…?
Percy wouldn’t take it off, but it caused him distress sometimes. Especially after finding out Devyn had been injured, or in a dangerous situation, but having felt nothing from the necklace.
But he knew Devyn had his mind made up. Percy knew Devyn loved him, he knew he wanted to take care of him and not make him worry. All Percy could do was try to make things easier on Devyn.
“I’m sorry,” he cried. “Things will get better. We’ll figure it out.” He still had a hard time believing it, but if it helped Devyn think he would be okay when he left him to go back on his journey across Alastor, then Percy would put on a smile and support him. He could cry once he was alone.
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 8:20 pm
“Percy,” Devyn said gently, but there was more tiredness in his voice. He wished they were both healthier. He wanted to gather Percy into his arms and hold him tightly. “...I know you’ve still got walls up,” he said quietly.
“If you don’t want to bring them down, that’s okay. But I’ll be able to do more if you’re honest with me.” He wasn’t hurt by the secrets, but it was just Percy drawing into himself. Devyn understood, he did the same thing. But they were here together, and whether he wanted to admit it or not, he didn’t know for how long.
As long as he could manage, of course, but beyond that? If that was an emergency on Alastor tonight? He didn’t know.
He couldn’t predict what would happen, or what he would need to attend to. He wanted to take advantage of the time he and Percy had together, even if this wasn’t the ideal way to spend it.
“I miss you, and I want to be with you, too, Perce.” His resolve faltered just a bit. The necklace swirled faster and the light dimmed briefly but he was trying to hold it together. He didn’t want to make this worse for Percy. It was all true, though. He missed him so much that it hurt. He hated spending so long without him. It was worse than when they’d been younger, sending letters back and forth and waiting desperately to hear from each other.
His chest hurt so much. It wasn’t just his lungs, it was everything. He forced his breath to stay slow and even and it eased the pain a bit. “We’ll find a way to make that happen. I’ll do anything.”
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 8:20 pm
He tensed a little, guiltily. He didn’t want Devyn to hurt. He didn’t want to disappoint or upset him. Percy knew they only had so long together. Something would inevitably pull them apart again. Something else would threaten their lives. Something else would keep them from getting back to each other.
“I don’t know what to say or do,” he admitted after a moment of trying to catch his breath without making his chest ache more. “I trust you more than anyone. If there was something I knew you could help me with, I would tell you,” he promised after another couple of quiet sobs.
“I know we can’t be together for long. I don’t want to waste our time with-- with me crying all the time. Or being upset. Or making an issue over something that can’t change. Or wallowing in self pity because I just want my husband and I can’t have him. I don’t want you leaving, thinking that I am incapable of knowing the struggles and hardships you go through because you don’t want to worry me. If I keep my mouth shut-- if I do my best not to cry-- would that be better?”
It felt like the more Devyn didn’t want him to worry, the less he was told. How could he not put up walls when he would be locked out even more than he was already if he didn’t?
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2024 8:24 pm
For a long moment, Devyn was quiet, and then he sighed.
“I’m sorry, Perce. I just didn’t want to worry you.” It was hypocritical, he knew it. But at the time it had seemed like it was the better of two options. “But it’s not like that. I don’t want you to keep quiet and try not to cry. I know you, I know you’re just hurting yourself. You can spend fifteen minutes crying, or you can bottle it up and let it hurt you until you have some other way to get it out.”
There was no cruelness in Devyn’s voice. He wouldn’t ever want to hurt Percy.
“But I wish you would cry, or be upset, while I was here with you. I don’t want you to deal with those things alone. Make an issue over something, even if it seems like it can’t change. Don’t wallow in self pity, wallow in my love. None of this is a waste, Percy. I don’t think you’re incapable of hearing what I go through. I know you’re strong enough to listen. To support me through any of it. I just–”
It was complicated. He wasn’t sure if he knew how to explain it.
It wasn’t because Percy wasn’t strong enough, he knew that.
Devyn lay his head back and it sank into the pillows. He looked up at the ceiling briefly as he tried to collect his thoughts. “I don’t like to worry you.” A pause, and then, “I know you blame yourself for Villefort. I’ve been afraid that anything that’s happened to me since, you’ll find some way to blame yourself for that, too. But I don’t blame you. I never did. I love you, and I trust you, and I’m glad you did what you did. I wish you would believe me. I wish you knew how grateful I am that you were there with me. That you helped me through that.”
…And even if he was still trying to come to terms with the fallout of everything, he did have a hard time talking to Percy about it. It wasn’t his fault, but how was he supposed to explain how humiliating, how horrifying, how abysmal it was to lose to a child? Who harnessed ancient magic that had been otherwise lost to time? It was a fluke, but if it had been anyone else?
If it hadn’t been a boy with good intentions? A child, ignorant but desperate to right wrongs?
Devyn grappled with this daily, trying to find the good in a situation that left his legacy and reputation ruined. He was only so desperate to redeem himself because he hadn’t even sullied his reputation. He’d just taken the blame for it.
Marius was a good kid. He couldn’t justify his frustration. He had nowhere to put that anger because if he’d been in Marius’ shoes, he might have done the same thing.
He just kept telling himself that if he could fix the damage, if he could make people trust him again, he could relax. He had to act fast, to stop rumors and fear from spreading. He was settling into a new normal, and he had more blood on his hands than ever.
But how was he supposed to talk to Percy about this when he knew Percy was going to doubt himself?
It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t Devyn’s. It wasn’t even Marius’.
He didn’t know who to blame, and in the absence of anyone, Percy kept finding fault with himself. If Devyn could spare him from that, he’d keep his burden to himself.
At least until he figured out how to have those conversations.
He was struggling just to have this one.
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