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 Posted: Sat Apr 20, 2024 4:32 pm
Stirling felt absolutely wonderful when she returned to her Wonder. It felt as though a three ton weight had been lifted from her shoulders and the fact that she could finally go home...
It was wonderful. She drew in a breath that seemed to go all the way down to her toes and looked around the castle with a critical eye, feeling all of her excitement beginning to go out the window.
The large broken window. All of the work she had done was for nothing. It looked as though a tornado had come through, the windows were broken, there was glass everywhere, and it just…
For a moment it was simply too much. She looked at Dering and her lip trembled. The last week had been overwhelming, being locked out of her sanctuary, of her home. Seeing her friends but not being able to really reconnect had been…awful. She didn’t know what else to do, didn’t know how to deal with all of this.
Stirling always tried to be strong. She prided herself in being strong but this?
This was one thing too much.
Slowly, the Knight sank down to her knees and began to sob brokenly. “I had cleaned everything up. I was doing so good, everything was looking so good…and now it’s all ruined. Now what am I supposed to do? I can’t keep staying with Talia. I don’t want to worry her. I don’t want to be a burden to her. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone but. I can’t do anything right.”
What was the point in being strong. She always came out on top. She made the best of things and thrived...or at least survived. But ever since the starseed incident. Ever since being forced to leave the city…nothing had made sense. Her life was in shambles. She was illegal, but she was still surviving!
She had been so happy to see them…but everything had to be falling apart and nothing was the same. Nothing would be the same again. With the way things were going, she wouldn’t actually be able to fix the broken Code piece. With her luck, she wouldn’t even be able to find it. At least Dering had gotten his taken care of. At least she had been able to help him. That…that made a difference. She had done something right at least.
The sobs came harder, and Stirling wrapped her arms around her chest, gasping for air as she continued to cry. Working hard to hold herself together. She was a Knight. She was strong. She could do anything she set her mind to…but right now.
Nothing mattered, and all she wanted to do was disappear. It wouldn’t really matter anyway. Dering would be upset, but he had so many other friends too. So…he would be okay. But. She? Stirling didn’t think she would ever get the strength to get back up off of this floor. Honestly, at this point in time, she just didn't see the point in even trying.
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Posted: Sat Apr 27, 2024 7:41 pm
At first, Dering was optimistic. They arrived at her Wonder with no issue, but almost immediately he realized something was wrong. Panic started to swell within him at the sight of broken glass scattered across the ground, and the emotion exploded when Stirling broken down.
Dering didn’t think he was very strong, so how could he have been strong when Stirling wasn’t? Her trembling lip sent a tremor through his heart and his stomach completely flipped upside down.
He wasn’t prepared for her to cry. It wasn’t that he didn’t think she was capable of it, it was just that his response was to panic. Which was completely unhelpful. Trying to work his way out of the emotion was like clawing his way up a mountain but what right did he even have to be upset? She was his friend, he was worried about her and her Wonder, but this was her project, her home.
“S-Stirling?” he chanced. His mouth felt dry. His voice felt soft. He couldn’t even tell if he’d spoken loud enough for her to hear.
He shuffled closer. “Brooklyn,” he said, a little louder.
Dering sat down next to her. It was all he could think to do. He put a hand on her shoulder–lightly, hesitantly, like he was testing the waters. He didn’t want to overwhelm or crowd her. He was ready to pull away at even the slightest indication of discomfort.
“It will be okay. It’s not–it’s not ruined. And you’re not a burden. Friends are supposed to look out for each other. This isn’t your fault. I can help you clean it up. O-or–or anything.” He kept losing his voice; he felt like he was intruding but he didn’t want her to think she was alone.
“Talia won’t mind if you stay. She likes you. She’ll worry but it’s because she cares, that’s not a bad thing. I worry about you even when you’re doing good. And I–you don’t have to do this alone. It’ll be okay, Brooklyn, I promise…”
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Posted: Mon Apr 29, 2024 7:03 pm
“I should have been here. If I had been here, maybe I could have stopped whatever it is that’s happening.” The words came out through gasps for air, eyes still squeezed shut. So what if she might have been stuck up here, she would have made it work. It might have been uncomfortable, but she would have made it work. It would have been fine...and her home wouldn’t be a mess.
It was fitting though. A great metaphor for her life.
She had wanted this. Wanted to become magical. Wanted to help people…but what was the point when she couldn't even help herself.
Stirling didn’t say anything until she finally managed to breathe, her sobs dying down, just slightly. It took far too long, she felt as though she wouldn’t ever be done. But finally she looked up at Dering, eyes red and swollen. “I just…I don’t bring anything to any friendships. I’m just. A burden. I always have been, Julian…nobody’s ever wanted me around. Not for one moment. And the one thing that’s supposed to turn out right…I’m just…I don’t know that it will. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what I want anymore…”
She wanted to say something more, but stopped herself. That wasn’t a good thing to say…even if she did mean it at the moment. Dering wouldn’t be able to handle it, she was sure.
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Posted: Mon Apr 29, 2024 8:13 pm
Something in Dering’s expression made it seem as though he were waiting for her to say more, but when she didn’t, he just nodded firmly. She hadn’t brushed him aside or tried to pull away, so he gently rubbed her back. He still seemed ready to recoil at the slightest sign of discomfort.
“Brooklyn,” he said gently, “If you were here then you could have gotten hurt. But you’re okay, that’s the most important part. Things can be fixed.”
She’d done it before, she could do it again. He didn’t think it would be easy, he knew how awful it felt to put your heart and soul into something only to have it crumble. This was her home, he knew how important it was to her.
“But I–I don’t understand, you bring so much to friendships. You’re not a burden. I don’t understand, I want you around.” He was confused, stuck on that. “Everybody does, you’re important to a lot of people. And you’re so important to me…”
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Posted: Mon Apr 29, 2024 8:24 pm
Stirling sniffled and reached up, wiping her face and nose on one of her flowing sleeves. They weren’t good for much else, and she just.
“I don’t feel like it, Julian.” She muttered, looking down at her skirts. It felt nice. Having someone rub her back. Like she was a small child again and a nice volunteer was at the home…it.
Made her want to cry again, honestly.
“I appreciate hearing it though…I just…I don’t feel like it.” She felt so weak right now. Like all of her bravado, all of her saved up, carefully cultivated bravery had just…gone.
“I think. I think at least I might know where the Code piece is though…there’s a room that’s always been locked. And I just…it never seemed that important to go inside but. It could be there.”
It was as good a place to start as any.
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Posted: Mon Apr 29, 2024 8:47 pm
Dering didn’t move. He wasn’t planning on making a move until Stirling was ready to go so he just stayed put and kept rubbing her back.
“We can go there,” he agreed. His voice trembled just slightly so he cleared his throat. He couldn’t help it, he was anxious and worried about her. “I’ll stay with you while you resonate with it. And if you want some help cleaning up, I can stay all night.” He didn’t know how late it was on Earth but he knew he’d stay with her for as long as he could.
“You might feel better after you resonate with it,” he said hopefully.
It could be easy to get stuck in a spiral of negative thoughts. He was worried about her, but seeing her Wonder like this, knowing something was wrong with the Code–
Maybe small steps were the best steps for now. There was a lot going on, she might feel better if they could just tackle it one thing at a time.
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Posted: Mon Apr 29, 2024 8:52 pm
Stirling finally looked at him, eyes puffy. “You felt better when you did…what…what was it like? Like…how did you know what to do?”
She wasn’t sure that she should even ask. She was supposed to be the one who knew things. The one who had it together and she just…
Really absolutely did not.
“I…what if I can’t do it? What if it rejects me and I just…what if I can’t do it? What if because I can’t do it it never gets fixed and I just…”
Stirling gave a hiccup, her sore eyes filling with tears again. “I don’t want to not be able to come here again…I don’t want to not have a home again...This…this was the only place that really…that I knew I could count on…it came from me...and I didn’t have to rely on anyone else…”
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Posted: Mon Apr 29, 2024 10:53 pm
“I didn’t,” he admitted. “It just came together. I just had to be there. I think the Code does most of the work. And I think–this isn’t your fault, Brooklyn. Were you able to hear what the Code said when we were on the Moon?”
He went into his subspace and dug around for a moment. He had a bottle of water and a small bag of chips. It wasn’t much, just something he had for emergencies. He didn’t have much to give in the first place, but this felt like as much of an emergency as ever.
Dering offered it to her. She was probably dehydrated, and he thought the salt would help with all those tears.
“It said that it got hurt or something, that something happened far away and it messed things up for all the Knights. I don’t think the Code will reject you,” he insisted. “It’s hurt and it needs help right now. It’s counting on you. I don’t think you can do this wrong. And then as soon as it’s fixed, you’ll be able to come and go, just like before. It’s–it’s not you, Brooklyn. Please don’t blame yourself. The Code got hurt and it needs help. It needs you to take care of it so it can take care of you. That’s all. It must know how much you love this place. Let’s go see it now so you don’t have to worry anymore, okay? But–please have a drink, at least. You can lean on me while we walk if you want.”
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Posted: Tue Apr 30, 2024 5:34 pm
Stirling nodded slowly. “...Kind of? I…no. I guess. Not really. I wasn’t…feeling really good up on the Moon…”
She stared at the ground, and then reached out and took hold of the water bottle. “I’m not…really hungry but, thank you…water…sounds good.” Opening up the cap, she took a small sip, and then another, trying to concentrate on the cool water moving down her throat. She couldn’t cry while she was drinking, so that helped.
Dering was saying more things, and Stirling tried to pay attention, she really did, but…not much was honestly getting through. “If it is me, I get it…but I hope you and the Code are right and it’s not…”
She reached up and removed her hat, running her fingers through her hair and giving a heavy sigh. “Um. The room’s up a few floors…are you okay with climbing stairs? And…would you be opposed to holding hands? I don’t need to lean on you or anything but…”
She also didn’t…want to feel alone.
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Posted: Tue Apr 30, 2024 5:43 pm
Dering offered his hand immediately. He’d offered support before and he intended to follow through, and if she needed to lean against him then the offer was still there.
“I can climb stairs. I feel okay.” He ached but it was so easy to compartmentalize and push it to the back of his mind. He could hardly feel anything of it right now, especially with how much he was focusing on her.
“When I cry, I like salt afterwards. But sometimes my stomach is too messed up. I won’t eat if I’m afraid I might throw up, so I understand. It’s okay.” The offer was still there if she changed her mind.
She looked a little dazed but he knew this was all very unsettling, and it was late and maybe she was even tired. Definitely worn out from worrying all week. “I’m ready when you are, Brooklyn. Let’s go find your Code. If–if you need me to carry you, I think I can. Just in case you need a break. You just have to tell me where to go.”
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Posted: Tue Apr 30, 2024 6:14 pm
Stirling took hold of Dering’s hand lightly and then rubbed her face with her free one, the water that was left in the bottle making a gentle sloshing noise as it moved within the container.
“Thank you, Dering. I appreciate you a lot.”
The water was put into her own subspace for the time being, and she rubbed her face once again, stifling a yawn that threatened to overtake her. “It’s um. It’s this way.”
Slowly, carefully, Stirling led them both through the debris that were strewn everywhere, and tried to keep her mind a blank, tried not to look at all of the damage that had been done to the castle…she didn’t want to think about it. Couldn’t rationalize it. Didn’t want to deal with the fallout from another breakdown but.
Quietly, she led them up a spiral staircase and paused outside of the closed, heavy wooden door. “This is the one that’s always been locked…”
It seemed though, that maybe…luck was on their side with this one. The handle on the door was crooked, and as Stirling reached out and pushed, it swung forward with no effort at all.
“...Huh.”
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Posted: Wed May 01, 2024 6:33 pm
Dering followed closely and never once let his grip on her hand loosen. Her poor castle had definitely seen better days but he remained committed to optimism. No matter what state it was in he had full faith that she would be able to fix it–to make it better than before.
He didn’t really think he had any helpful skills but he’d have done anything he could to help her in any way possible.
When she thanked him, he’d just smiled hopefully. He really couldn’t take much credit–it’s what any friend would do.
“Maybe it’s a sign,” he suggested, but his voice didn’t rise above a whisper despite his best effort. He cleared his throat and squeezed her hand gently.
Even if her Wonder was hurting, maybe it was still trying to show her the right path, too.
He figured her Wonder–her Code–wanted to be saved.
It just needed help.
He hoped this would be easy for her.
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Posted: Wed May 01, 2024 7:57 pm
Glancing to Dering, Stirling managed what almost passed for a smile and she took a step into the small room, pulling her friend gently behind her. The room was small, some kind of office or perhaps an observatory. There were large windows, with views of the thistle filled gardens outside. It was a lovely view, honestly. And she idly wondered if the forest she saw in the distance might just be Dering…it…made some sense. He had found her by walking through his own Wonder.
There was even a telescope positioned at the window, seeming to look over to the forest. Huh. That was…interesting. And now that the door was open…maybe she could take her time to look into it.
She rubbed her eyes with her free hand again and looked around the room once more. The windows each had small stained glass scenes above them and they were letting in a lovely wash of colored light into the room, but in the corner on the desk that made her think that this might be some kind of office, was an interesting lamp. She wondered why Dysmina hadn’t ever brought her up here before? Or, why the old Knight hadn’t really…been to see her while she was living here. Honestly, she half wondered if she had just imagined their first meeting but…
That had been when she had gotten her signet ring, so it had honestly happened but.
Stirling moved over to the desk and gingerly sat down on the chair in front of it, and pulled the lamp closer, gently prying off the porcelain shade, revealing the faintly glowing Code piece underneath.
Okay…so her hunch had been right. The Code was here…and…
She looked at Dering, hope beginning to rise in her eyes. “I think…that forest over there might be Dering…if…if you want to look around please do…I…I have to figure out how to do this…”
Sniffling again, Stirling wiped her face with her clean sleeve and withdrew the small, glowing orb, holding it carefully in her hands and bending her head down, touching it lightly against her forehead.
Honestly, she wasn’t sure what to expect. Resonating. Meditating…they weren’t words that came easily to Stirling. Weren’t words that made much sense to her.
Still, she must have been doing something right. She wasn’t really sure how much time had passed, but when she finally opened her eyes, her face was once more wet with tears, and the orb in her hand was glowing, brighter than it had been when this started. The cracks in the glass were gone, and she felt better.
“Dering?”
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Posted: Fri May 03, 2024 6:15 pm
There was a lot to take in, and Dering was naturally curious about the strangely locked off room on Stirling. He didn’t want to intrude or peek where he might not have been meant to. He followed Stirling to the desk but he stayed on the other side–close, but not in any way invasive.
He’d been surprised when she offered for him to look around, though he wasn’t quite sure where to look. He nodded quickly though. If she needed time to herself, he understood. He just also didn’t want to leave her alone. After a few moments of pondering, he drifted over to the window and leaned close, trying to peer out as far as he could see.
It was hard to stay put, to give her space. He wanted to check in on her and make sure she was doing okay. He kept his eyes fixed on the other side of the window despite the temptation to pull away and return to her side.
When she spoke his name, he spun around immediately.
“Stirling,” he answered, and finally took it as a sign to hurry back to her. “How do you feel?”
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Posted: Sat May 04, 2024 12:56 pm
“Hi. Um…okay, I guess.” Stirling gave a smile that she was pleased to think wasn’t too forced. Her eyes hurt. Her chest still hurt. She still hurt, but…she was at least no longer in the state where she had to show just how bad she was. “I’m fine. The Code piece looks better…”
Carefully, she put the orb back on the lamp, covering it with the shade again, and watching as the light dappled the walls. It was…pretty. This whole office was pretty.
“We can go back to your Wonder now if you want…or…whatever you want to do…”
Go home most likely. Now that everything was set to rights, climbing into a warm, soft bed sounded…
Too good to be true.
“...Do you think that forest out there is Dering? Were you able to tell?”
Focus on others. Shove her own issues as deep as she could. They didn’t matter if she didn’t think about them.
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