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— SEI —
The first thing Zebulon did when he arrived back at his car was make sure all the windows were up, make sure the music was turned up to its most reasonable maximum, and screamed.

The next thing he did was pick up his phone.

Done.

Well, not quite.

Alright, now ******** nerves were amped to eleven as he was driving, and really, all he could think was a mess of a few things.

How the hell was he going to approach this?
Diryas was going to kill him.
He missed when Teegan did most of the driving.

He remembered he didn't usually drive at this time of day. Usually, by the time he was done at the university, the kids were either inside eating dinner or at the very least home from their school days. And home as in indoors, not walking out of buses and making travels slower or running around in the street with their neighbourhood friends. If Teegan was driving him, that could be Teegan's problem.

Not his.

It felt more grating than it needed to considering everything else.

As he pulled towards the house, he scoped out the area to figure out where Teegan had parked himself. Not in the driveway, which he appreciated considering there was only so much driveway space, but not terribly far away either. There was also someone still in the car. He assumed that was Teegan.

Who the ******** else would it be–

Zebulon pulled into the driveway, parked his car in the spot furthest up, and headed for the door. He could just leave Teegan in the car. That would be the clearest signal that it was over. Tobias might have his head. At that point, it'd be a question of who would roast him faster, Diryas for inviting Teegan over in the first place, or Tobias for giving Teegan hope only to dash it.

Maybe Diryas would find that funny.

Zebulon swirled the keyring around his finger before actually unlocking the door.

Was he ready for this?

Would he ever be?

He clicked the first lock, then the second--also a new addition, the front door had only had one lock before--and pulled the door open.

Zebulon figured Teegan would follow.


— AMA —
It was a good thing Zebulon had gotten to the door first. Teegan had the realization on the way over that he had no idea where his house key even was. And that was before he noticed the second lock from where he sat in his car, a second lock which had not been there last time. He wondered if it was to keep him out, to keep him from somehow picking the first lock and walking inside. If he’d even have to pick the lock. They didn’t always lock their front door, right?

No, that didn’t make sense, because then someone who meant them ill could just waltz inside, and Diryas was very conscious of security.

Meant ill?

Hadn’t he done ill? He just didn’t remember what that aforementioned ‘ill’ was. It wasn’t in his notes, and everything around it seemed structured in a way that assumed he’d just… remember. Know, somehow. A lot of notes about who had been in his life had been structured that way. Names with details he already knew.

It just left him with the frustrating knowledge that he’d ******** up but not remembering how. Maybe it was a punishment after all, to know he had done something terrible but to be unable to even begin to meaningfully apologize and atone for it.

Granted, considering he didn’t remember, there were only a few options for what he could have done. It would have had to have been done when he was powered up, and what would he have bothered powering up to do? Drain energy?

Maybe forgetting the people who loved him would have been the kinder option.

Had he gone for a starseed?

That thought turned his blood icy and caused the tightness in his chest to radiate through the muscles in his shoulders and back in a painful stab. He couldn’t’ve gone for a starseed. Right? He would have hated just the idea. …Right? And to do it to one of them—

Zebulon opening the door interrupted that train of thought, and Teegan realised that train of thought had been barreling down the track for a good few minutes. …Had Zebulon been about to leave him out there? He returned the invitation, if it could be called that, with a monosyllabic grunt and stepped into the house. He paused as he stepped through the threshold.

“…Still taking shoes off at the door?”


— SEI —
He hadn't taken his shoes off, had he? Good news of all things was that he was wearing his work shoes; he kept those cleaner than the ones he wore when he went on walks in nearby woods at least.

"Yeah." Idly, he started pushing his shoes off with his other foot, one foot at a time. "You can just put them on the mat over there." That would be a new feature, too. They had usually just kicked their shoes off when they got inside, but there were fewer people to split the chores between these days. Keeping the shoes on a mat minimized how often they needed to mop the floor. Diryas and Zebulon led damn busy lives even without the knight life.

It felt so mundane. This all felt mundane. Perhaps that was the point; perhaps the proof was in this that Tobias was right to be irritated at them on not getting a move-on. But they were entering a house. What did they say now? What did they do now?

Why was everything so unbearably awkward?

"Did you want a drink?" Great start. Offer to go get him something like he was a guest in his own house.

But that wasn't true, was it? Technically, he wasn't even welcome ********>— AMA —
Teegan didn’t show it on his face, but he had noted the awkward atmosphere, felt it hanging over, around, between them. “No, thank you,” murmured he in return as he toed off his shoes and nudged them to sit neatly on the provided mat. “Thank you, though.”

They needed to get a move on. Get this conversation over with so that Teegan could move on to trying to find a way to, well, move on. His mind whirling on the drive over meant he didn’t have high hopes for how this was going to go. Something sat in his gut, telling him this was a bad idea, a very bad idea, and it was going to go badly.

Zebulon should not have let him in. He should not have come to the house.

“Do we want to have this conversation in the kitchen, the dining room, or the living room?” Not to, like, invite himself to a house that wasn’t his, or anything. “Living room’s probably the most comfortable, yeah?”

Hopefully, Teegan would have time to run out the side door while Diryas came in through the front door. If he was quick enough, he’d clear the kitchen before Diryas reached him and went for the knives. Zeb said he’d told Dise about Teegan, and Dise wasn’t the type to do anything rash, but… There had already been plenty of unexpected firsts, and Teegan liked his blood on the inside of his body.


— SEI —
“If you insist.” If Teegan was going to reject the guest generosity, he wouldn’t bother extending it. But what else was he supposed to do? He brought him back into the house for a deep conversation he had no idea how to even approach. Zebulon had words to say but no way to pinpoint them, no way to locate them, no way to explain them beyond a scream of frustration.

Tobias would tell him to figure it out.

Tobias would also move his whole a** out and he wasn’t there to back them up at all–

His mind was going a million miles a minute, but asking where to have this conversation--how delightfully ******** vague--was a way to prompt a mental stop. He blinked for its mundanity, just like everything else about this. Where? His instinct, as per usual, was to suggest the bedroom, but not only was that inappropriate, but Diryas would also have his head. It was the most comfortable room but also not one Teegan had any welcome mat into.

"Living room is fine. Better than just standing around the kitchen." Especially if they weren't going to eat anything, or drink anything. It wasn’t even like he could smell whatever Tobias was preparing for them to all come home to. Couldn’t even imagine sitting at the table with Diryas coming home late, not irritated but murmuring thanks for there being food. Couldn’t even imagine silly chats with Tobias until the others were available.

… ********, he missed Tobias, too. He idly checked his cell phone to see if either had responded yet as he moved to sit down.

Oh thank ********. He paused in his own seating to respond with a,
When he plopped down, he glanced up to meet Teegan's eyes.

Ball was in his court, for now.


— AMA —
Teegan looked around the living room, an ache growing again in his chest at all the little signs of his presence. A hanging macrame piece here, a book he’d left behind there, finally integrated into the communal bookshelf when they gave up on him coming back for it. All under a different name, of course.

He met Zebulon’s eyes when he dropped onto the couch, the motion drawing him out of his reverie. It was then that he registered the words Zebulon had thrown his way. His response was yet another noncommittal grunt as he took a seat for himself. It didn’t feel right to sit where he normally would have. So he didn’t.

He faced Zebulon, back straight, hands folded neatly in his lap. The silence between them stretched on. It wasn’t that Teegan didn’t realise Zebulon was waiting for him to talk first. It was more that Teegan didn’t know what to say to him. What would be adequate? What would be even remotely enough to make up for everything? What would stop that look on their faces when the other three looked at him?

“I’m sorry.” It was wholly pathetic, but there it was. He was sorry. For everything. “For hurting you,” he might not remember what he did, but he knew he had done something, “for hurting the other two,” for putting them in this mess in the first place, “and for being gone for so long.” A pause. “I,” he took a deep breath. His mouth was unexpectedly dry, and he wished he’d taken Zebulon up on the offer of something to drink.

Why was he having such a hard time with this? He’d spent literal years neatly dividing his life into two parts. But that was part of the problem, wasn’t it? That was part of how he’d gotten into this mess.

“I’m sorry.”


— SEI —
Zebulon noticed that Teegan opted for a different seat. Tobias's.

Guess it made sense that he would pick Tobias's spot. Tobias and Teegan never really stopped, did they? He did understand there were some things that Tobias and Teegan had needed to work out, but it was a lot different than how he and Diryas had approached it. Tobias was welcomed over to the ... Bell? Household for a reason.

Were they the Bells?

Not important, he guessed. Teegan was delaying. Zebulon was waiting.

I'm sorry was a start, but was it enough? Would it have to be? What did this guy even remember? This guy like he hadn't very determinedly called him his husband.

"... husband?"
"I mean, y'all got a better name for the lives we share?"

It was stiff and formal and felt about as tense as the air was. Arguably, moreso. It looked like he was in a formal meeting, but he sounded like he was bracing for a beating. And Zebulon had half a mind to give him one!

But he wouldn't.

Yet.

"Relieved that you're acknowledging you did something wrong. Staying away with no notice, first of all, was brutal. Tobias was heartbroken. Diryas was bitter and I'm sure you have some idea of how he was--more hurt than he let on. Me? Missed your a** so bad I talked to therapists and even a bartender. My own student ended up there taking ******** notes."

He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Ended up punching out one of them damn dark mirrors while I was there, but that's not relevant, is it."

Considering Teegan had been on their goddamn side, would he even ******** care?

Breathe, Zebulon. Just think of what Tobias would say--think, also, of Diryas--

"Then I found out your a** was the one who drained me to complete unconsciousness. Thrilling. After you knew that someone else had already done that to me at a goddamn cafe. I knew what you were up to when you walked up!"

Breathe, Zeb.


— AMA —
The color drained out of Teegan’s face as one of the things he’d feared was confirmed. “I, I don’t—“ He stopped and forced himself to take yet another deep breath that didn’t seem to do much good. “I don’t know why I did that. I don’t know why I would ever have done that. Who knows—I don’t—but I still did that, and there’s no excuse. I’m sorry.”

Before Zebulon could get a word in edgewise, Teegan barreled ahead.

“I’m sorry I stayed away. I didn’t want to do that. My notes say it was to keep the Negaverse from knowing I was connected to you. That tracks with what I remember.” For what little Teegan’s memory counted for, anyway. He remembered he had thought he was protecting people at first. That was what he’d been told. Protecting Earth from aliens.

But the Negaverse were just as alien—


— SEI —
Good. A part of Zeb felt some kind of obscene victory at seeing the color drain out of Teegan's face. He should be alarmed. He should be horrified. He should realize that was part of why the two of them--Dise and Zeb, that was--jumped straight to assuming hostility. He should realize he ******** up.

Did he already? Probably. There was a part of him that could tell that Teegan couldn’t remember any of this, especially because he cited his notes. Did that fix it, though? Did Teegan hoped that fix it? All Zebulon knew was that Teegan had stayed away too long and he was still talking, stumbling to make sure Zebulon didn't interrupt him--

And oh, part of him was vibrating to do so.

"Those bitches know way too much. You know that they were running a bank?" He guessed it made sense as a reason to stay away from them, to try and make sure that the Negaverse couldn't figure out who they were or at least use them as pawns to keep Teegan around... But did that matter? Couldn't he have just told them what was going on? Purification had always been an option, and they were all aware of agents at least, even to Teegan's knowledge. What was the point of their close relationship if it hadn't actually meant anything?

"I'm pretty sure if they wanted to know what ******** you were connected to, they would have just figured it out. I mean, they already knew you were a priest, right?" He was still a priest, but that was irrelevant. "I know that's a bit more public knowledge, but there had to have been a reason why they thought you would be a good add and not some other priest."

He was getting carried away.

"And then you had the gall to sleep with other people in the meantime without telling us. That was the deal, right?"

Calm down, Zeb. The deep breath he took would have been obvious.


— AMA —
“I don’t know.” Teegan’s voice carried the stress echoed in his posture. “Clearly I was an agent, but I don’t remember how that happened. I know someone came up to talk to me, someone whose name I don’t even know anymore. And Jesus, Zeb, I’m sorry!” A shaking hand smoothed his hair back. His skin, fair as it was, showed the flush on his face easily. “No, I didn’t know they were running a bank. I’ve lost half of my memories!”

Felt like more than that, honestly.

There was nothing else he could offer Zebulon. This had been a mistake. All Teegan could do was apologise. Nothing would actually make up for any of it, and he’d been an idiot to hope there was a path back. He shifted his weight as if about to stand up.

But he didn’t quite stand up.

Some small part of him, some small, scared part of him kept him rooted to the couch. Rooted there, because he was afraid if he got up, if he left, that there really would be no path back. That all that would be left of him in this house would be fading memories and trinkets rotting in corners and on shelves, with a name that didn’t belong to him but still meant something to them. He was a stranger in the house.

And it was all his own fault.

“What do you want from me? What do you want me to say?”


— SEI —
It looked like Teegan was about to dismiss himself, which came with a terribly awkward and tricky can of worms. Tobias would never speak to him again, and would probably refuse to speak to Diryas, too. Diryas would cheer him on at first but as the days wore on, he'd become more and more unraveled and despondent. Zebulon could orchestrate the entire collapse of his little quartet. There was no winning there if he left, and Zebulon knew that. It would be over.

All of it.

And yet he was still angry. He was still angry with someone who he desperately missed.

What did he want Teegan to say? Sorry wasn't good enough. Didn't feel good enough. Didn't cover the years of cageyness and the year of total absence. Didn't cover the breach of trust. And did it even matter?

He remembered none of it.

"No doubt they're running other s**t in this city, in this world. Could have even been your church if you had no idea." He was bitter. He was frustrated. "I want an explanation as to why ghosting and ******** other people to make them energy farms was an appropriate line of action. I want to know why you didn’t come back for me. I want to know why you did it at all."

He got up instead, pacing out his anxious energy.

"I understand promoting forgive and forget but it's not that easy when your husband nearly got you killed and breached your trust on multiple levels. Who ghosts after eleven years?"

Breathe, Zebulon Raymond.

Lay into him-- "Where do we ******** go from there?"


— AMA —
Who ghosts after eleven years?

Someone desperate.

Teegan swallowed those words, and his posture did not relax. His eyes tracked Zebulon's movements, tension increasing in his own back, shoulders. His voice uncharacteristically soft and small, he could manage only one thing in response. In response to all of it, answering all of Zebulon's questions in its own way.

"I don't know." His breathing was shaky, his voice brittle. "I should go." He got to his feet. "I'm sorry." He took a step toward the door, then another, pace quickening. "I'm so sorry, I—"


— SEI —
This wasn't like Teegan at all -- but then, what of this had been? What part of any of this had been the heretic-no-longer priest he spent nights both entangled with and also in ridiculous banter that made the other two groan sometimes?

Peas in a pod, but also something different.

Teegan had never sounded this ... afraid around him, because not even Elliot-as-Ransomite had sounded fearful, and Elliot in the bathroom had just sounded wry and defeated. What was he supposed to do with this?

Well, ********, he was leaving.

Let him.

No, no, no.

Zebulon matched Teegan's pace and outdid it, reaching out and grabbing him by the arm.

"You're not going anywhere."


— AMA —
He froze as soon as he felt Zebulon's fingers close around his forearm, and it was a couple of moments before he replied. "Let me go."


— SEI —
That locked Zebulon up for a second.

But just one.

"What if I don't want to?"


— AMA —
Something gave inside him, and the look in Teegan's eyes was not a friendly one when he whipped his head to look Zebulon in his. But at the same time, it seemed not only angry but sad. "Why not?" He didn't give Zebulon a chance to answer. "What's the ******** point, Zeb?" He didn't bother tugging on his arm. "I get it. I ******** up. And you're right. You're all right." Something choked his voice for a second before he barreled ahead. "I can't give you the answers you want. I don't know anything you're asking me!"

The next words came out before he could stop them, but he wasn't sure he regretted them.

"I don't know if you even still love me!"


— SEI —
It was like a punch to the gut to look at Teegan's expression while all at once coming with a mixture of relief and a perverse glee at seeing him that viscerally upset -- but what started to outweigh was the former as the words spilled from Teegan's lips like a tidal wave. What was the ******** point indeed; why were they having this conversation; why did it feel so deeply necessary that he was so willing to violate the rules?

But he knew the answer to that, didn't he? He knew why he was willing to sit on the other side of that cracked door. He knew why he was so determined to make sure it was a purified Teegan that came out of the other side and not a dead Elliot. He knew why he went to as many people as he did with the pain that Teegan had left behind when he'd usually speak to no one.

It was because the answer was of course he did.

But that wasn't a good enough answer, was it? Just like I'm sorry felt weak and pathetic in the face of everything, was Yes anything more than a weak balm?

His grip got a bit looser, but he didn't quite let Teegan go.

Zebulon knew what worked for their rhythm, what had always worked for their rhythm, and it was a very plainly stated, "I'm going to ******** you."


— AMA —
Yet again, Teegan's brain came to a halt, but this time it was more of a fiery screeching crash. A dozen casualties on the highway with all emergency responders on scene. That sort of halt.

His brain took what Zebulon's response was, rolled it over and over, toyed with it, tried to figure out what was meant by it. Was this a trap? It seemed too good to be true. But Zebulon was not the type to talk in riddles. Even if Teegan found it hard to believe, it was what it was. Teegan just had to figure out what he was going to do with it.

And so Teegan, after that pause to recollect his thoughts, offered a simple response of his own as the tension began to bleed out of his shoulders.

"You are."