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 Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 6:30 pm
The walk home was quiet. Laon couldn’t remember if he’d mirrorwalked or Arawn, but they’d arrived at the same mirror they usually used just after powering up. It wasn’t far from their apartment but it was tucked away where no one else had found it. Yet.
They powered down a short distance later.
It wasn’t a bad night, but the air was thick with grease and smoke from a sloppy restaurant. Some of the dumpsters were full of garbage and hadn’t been picked up for a while. He held his breath through that, and then they’d had to climb up several flights of stairs. He was already tired. It felt like an eternity, but one step blended into the next.
The lock on the door took a moment to open; Kaelan struggled with it when it stuck like this, but they got back into their small, dark apartment. He let Orien go in first and then locked up behind him.
It took him a moment to pry off his shoes but he still hadn’t looked up. His head was pounding worse than before, and he’d had to replay a repeating cycle of study trivia to distract himself from thinking too deeply. He wanted a shower. He wanted to be in bed.
He wanted to take medicine but–
Oh, you weren’t supposed to do that on an empty stomach. He was going to do it anyway. He tried to turn on the kitchen light but it took him a few broad sweeps of his arm against the wall to find it, and when he did, the light didn’t come on. It wasn’t the first time the wiring had been a bit odd. He flipped the switch down. Up. Down. Up, down. Updownupdownupdown. The light didn’t come on.
He turned to face the wall and applied a bit more pressure to the switch and this time, it worked; when he pushed in and up, the bulb flickered on. He wanted to say something to Orien but he couldn’t really find the words. His stomach was already in knots and his heart had been protesting even before they ascended all those stairs.
If he was being honest, he sort of wanted to just go cry in the shower and get it over with. He’d had a long day, he was high strung. He was disappointed. He kept replaying everything in his head and had already thought of two dozen things he could have done or said differently.
He didn’t want Remarque to fire them. He didn’t want to get kicked out of the Court.
The pressure on his chest worsened so he took a few seconds to rest against the wall. He didn’t move his hand, like he was afraid if he pulled his hand away from the switch it would plunge them into darkness. He felt dizzy and it was worse now that he didn’t have to focus on ‘almost home’ but he didn’t want to worry Orien so he just leaned against the wall and wiped at his eyes with his free hand. If they were wet, it was definitely because of the trashy odor still stuck in his nose, but his throbbing head was also not doing him any favors.
He rubbed at his eyes again, hoping that alone could dispel the nails lodged between them and his brain. When that didn’t work he exhaled, soft and tired. It was probably best to just get this over with.
Kaelan spoke softly into the quiet room, but his voice still felt loud to him. “...I’m sorry.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 6:36 pm
Orien was mad. Or… more frustrated than anything. He didn’t want to ruin things. He didn’t want Kaelan to worry about what was going to happen to them. What if Jett decided they didn’t play well with others enough to want to keep in the court? Should they just duck out now and figure out what else to do with their lives? Maybe they could get a job somewhere that wouldn’t mind how often Orien needed reminders about things.
But even in his frustration, and feeling like he was going to throw up as they passed by some horrible greasy smell, he could at least focus on one thing.
Making sure Kaelan got home and got some rest. He could focus on that. He could push his frustration aside. He could make himself remember that things weren’t like before.
And it certainly wasn’t like the year from hell that Orien had to survive without Kaelan. Many of those memories had faded into blissful oblivion, but he could still recall the emotions he felt. The fear. The panic. The loneliness and hopelessness.
He felt a little of that tonight, in that room with so many others that they didn’t know. So many others who didn’t seem to care if they were there in the first place. Some that were probably glad they’d left.
Orien hardly processed getting back home, but once they were inside he was already kicking off his shoes and moving over to the sink so he could get a small cup of water.
There was a brief moment where he paused to watch and wait as Kaelan tried to get the lights to come on. Sometimes it was fine. Other times it made him worry that he’d missed turning in a bill. Even though he knew Kaelan burdened himself with those tasks.
The bottle of medicine was reached for next, and he set the cup down so he could fiddle with the top. It was only then of course that he realized how much his hands were shaking. Probably from the stress of everything.
But even as he worked on getting the top off, he paused to look up at Kaelan when he apologized.
And everything else was forgotten. The bottle was set next to the cup, and Orien reached out to wrap both arms around Kaelan as he leaned against the counter.
“You did nothing wrong,” he insisted, pressing a kiss to Kaelan’s temple as he held him. If anything it was him who screwed up. But he doubted Kaelan would acknowledge that fact. He was too good to him.
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 6:39 pm
Kaelan wasn’t looking at Orien but he leaned into the embrace anyway. He didn’t want to replay things in his mind, he just wanted to shut off thinking and go to bed and wake up without any thoughts at all on the matter.
That would have been too easy. He wanted to shut off his phone so Jett couldn’t message him to talk or anything. He felt light headed at the thought. But if he didn’t talk to Jett then he couldn’t be fired, or kicked out, or anything bad!
It was an artificial hope but he was clinging to it anyway. Kaelan didn’t contradict Orien but only because he didn’t want to rile him up or make him feel like he had to defend Kaelan from himself. He rested against him for a moment and he thought that eased his headache a bit but he wasn’t sure if that was just wishful thinking, too.
“I’m sorry I badgered you about going. I know you don’t like those things.” He didn’t like them either, but it wasn’t anyone’s fault but his own. Sometimes being in a full classroom was so stressful that he couldn’t focus. And giving a presentation? He was all but hopeless even after he’d had time to prepare.
He bit off more than he could chew and he was left with a familiar sense of dread and discomfort, and he could see a problem but didn’t know how to fix it.
Of course, he didn’t look at Orien and see a problem; he couldn’t blame him for anything.
They’d talked about being hungry before they left, and he knew that toothpaste croissant couldn’t have been very filling.
After a moment of resting against him, he murmured, “I didn’t make anything for dinner. Are you still hungry? I can put something together.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 6:44 pm
Orien knew that Kaelan was stressed. That he worried about him. That he worried about taking care of everything. There was only so much Orien could do -- physically and with his poor memory. He knew some of that was his own fault. The rest was due to circumstances beyond his control. But that didn’t mean he wanted to make Kaelan have to deal with it.
“It wasn’t so bad,” he promised, even when he rolled his eyes while Kaelan couldn’t see him. Ah, but he knew he probably heard it in his voice. “I’m happy to be anywhere with you.” And that was true! He would happily go to those -- well, maybe not happily at the time, but he was happy to be with Kaelan. But he would tolerate the parties if it meant making Kaelan happy.
“I was going to make some sandwiches. Don’t you want to shower and rest? Do you want some medicine now?” he asked, pulling back so he could gently stroke Kaelan’s cheek with his thumb. He could see the wetness but didn’t comment.
Kaelan was so secretive about how he felt sometimes. It tore at Orien’s heart, but he wasn’t going to force Kaelan to talk to him if he didn’t want to.
“If you wanted to sit in the bath I could feed you once they’re made,” he suggested. He knew he should still be mad -- he was! But focusing on Kaelan made things easier.
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 6:52 pm
Kaelan heard the tone. He was listening for it. Hypocritical in his own efforts to dismiss how he felt, he was clinging to every breath Orien took, speculating on every change in inflection.
He knew Orien felt the wetness on his cheek and he wasn’t even really trying to hide it. He didn’t want Orien to worry about him, he was just tired, and stressed, and his head hurt. And he still felt ridiculous. Orien just wasn’t letting him blame himself.
“A bath might be nice,” he admitted. If it would get warm enough. He didn’t want to deal with the old pipes and risk an ice bath; it was too cool outside to go to sleep with wet hair and their apartment didn’t get warm enough to combat it.
He did want medicine so he hoped when he nodded, Orien could understand that was his priority right now. “Maybe I should just lay down for a minute. I can help make sandwiches first,” he suggested, and placed a hand over Orien’s to press it to his cheek. He could feel Orien’s fingers twitching, so he ran his thumb along the back of his hand.
It wasn’t worth saying that he wasn’t hungry; he knew he should eat. If he didn’t now, he’d wake up starving in the middle of the night.
“Or just stay with you. I’d like to stay with you.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 6:57 pm
“I’m right here,” Orien promised with a quiet sigh of contentment as Kaelan’s fingers brushed over his own. “You’re always with me. I’m not going anywhere.”
He leaned close to press a kiss against Kaelan’s forehead, and then pulled back enough so he could grab the bottle of medicine from the counter.
“Here,” he said as he worked on getting the cap off, although he made no effort in moving any farther away from Kaelan as he did so. “I’m gonna take care of you, okay? Take some medicine and then I’ll help you to the bath, and while you’re resting, I’ll make us some food and we can eat and then I’ll hold you and tell you how proud I am of you for doing something really difficult. I mean, I think you’ve gotten really strong to be able to hang onto me like you did.”
Orien was only partially joking. He was proud of Kaelan for doing something he wasn’t comfortable with doing, and no matter what happened after this, they had each other.
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 7:03 pm
Kaelan looked a bit embarrassed, but maybe it was just because Orien’s kind words made his heart flutter. He accepted the medicine and downed the water but he didn’t move away. He just wanted to rest against him for a moment longer.
His face was warm now, not from shame but because Orien was so good to him. Even when he couldn’t sort through the muck of his own mind, Orien was making it easy to choose a path. On his own, Kaelan would have been indecisive. He might have walked in circles around the apartment for a few minutes before he even realized that he should take medicine first.
It was easier when Orien could just help him decide. Now, he had a plan. He couldn’t talk himself out of anything because Orien was proud of him, and if he wanted him to take a bath and rest, of course he could do that.
Even if it meant being away for a moment. Just a moment. He’d go fast.
“Thank you,” he said, soaking up just a few more seconds worth of affection. “It’s all those vegetables,” he mumbled, because he had been trying to feed them healthier food. He liked hearing Orien’s praise for him much more than he liked dwelling on the infinite number of things he could have done differently, and Orien’s kindness chased away the numb fatigue he felt quickly encroaching.
“You weren’t really trying to get away all that much, though.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 7:24 pm
“Get away from you? Nah…” he admitted with a sigh. “I wasn’t feeling very brave back there. I probably could have done things to make it easier on you. Sorry,” he mumbled as he leaned in to press their foreheads together for just a moment. He wanted Kaelan to be able to get into the bath, but he also wanted to be with him.
“We’ll be okay,” he promised. Determined. He didn’t want to think about how disappointed Jett would be in them. He didn’t want to think about how no one in the court probably wanted anything to do with them after all that.
“So you want a carrot sandwich? I’m just kidding. I was thinking something simple…” Maybe a cheese sandwich. That seemed the easiest thing to do. He could toast the bread a little, too.
Oh, but he needed to make sure Kaelan got to rest some.
“Come on, I’ll help you get the bath started, then I’ll be back with food,” he suggested, gently pulling away so he could take the couple steps towards the bathroom.
“I could totally take on all those people, though. Don’t you think?”
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 7:29 pm
Kaelan huffed but a little smile had worked its way onto his face, anyway. He rested against Orien as they walked. No, he didn’t think so. The truth didn’t matter though, not now. “Probably.”
He walked with him to the bathroom, and even if he didn’t need help, he accepted it. Wanted it.
“I’ll eat a carrot sandwich if that’s what you’re making.” Oh, but all that food they’d left. They hadn’t even tried the fruit. “Fruit is good for headaches,” he mused. “And eggs.”
Orien said they’d be okay, and he believed him. He wanted to say this was just an off night, but when he thought about it too much, he felt a growing sense of dread in the pit of his stomach. He wasn’t sure he wanted to do any get-togethers again. At least, not any time soon. He felt dizzy when he thought about going back to a crowd of strangers.
And every time he thought about Jett being disappointed in them–
He shuddered and tried not to think about what he’d do if he had to start looking for a new job. He’d lose his scholarship, wouldn’t he? He wouldn’t be able to afford school. No–if going to get togethers risked making a fool of himself, or making Arawn uncomfortable, or threatened this life they were trying to build. It didn’t matter how much he wanted to fit in with the Court, or make friends, or just–
He didn’t know. But it didn’t matter. Or, he wanted it not to matter. His heart still ached.
“...I wasn’t feeling very brave, either,” he confessed. “I could tell you weren’t feeling very good about being there. We should have stayed back and watched instead. I just got so nervous, I don’t think I was thinking clearly. You ate a lot of toothpaste, are you sure you’re okay?”
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 7:39 pm
“It was disgusting,” he admitted as he made a face and faked a gag. “I wasn’t expecting that to be the only thing I was going to eat, though. If that loudmouth didn’t piss me off--”
No, he didn’t want to talk about what happened. He wanted his memories of that night to fade away. He didn’t know what that guy’s problem was, but he was absolutely looking down on both him and Kaelan.
If he hadn’t been worried about disappointing Kaelan and Jett, Orien would have had no issue with punching the guy.
He gnashed his teeth together a few moments longer before leaning down to turn on the tub’s faucet and put his hand under the water to make sure it was heating up properly. He wished they’d grabbed some of the fruit they’d brought in for Remarque, especially if it was supposed to be good for headaches.
“It’s their loss that they didn’t get to know you,” Orien decided as he glanced back up at Kaelan, his expression settled into something more resigned. “Next time we’ll know better.”
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 7:44 pm
Kaelan sighed but faked as much of a smile as he could manage. “Yeah,” he agreed. It was easier just to wall flower. Anyway, it was probably fair that they didn’t stay; they hadn’t actually brought anything. It was all Jett, anyway.
“There’s some chocolate in the fridge. Have a piece. That’s good for headaches, too. I think.” If it wasn’t, it was good for the soul, at least. And maybe it could chase away any lingering flavor. “Or you can brush your teeth while you’re here.”
He could feel warmth, slight but growing. Okay, good. He could have a warm bath.
“...Actually, do you want to just get a snack or something and we can eat in the bath or? It’s warm, it might not heat up again in the morning.” Kaelan recognized that he probably sounded pretty pathetic right now, like he was grasping at straws to find a way to convince Orien to stay without saying as much. Except, he realized that he could just say it.
“I mean, I want you here as fast as you can be here. I’ll eat crackers. Or nothing. I just don’t want to be away from you for long. If you bring the book on my bedside, I’ll read to you. If you want.” Like they usually read together before bed, only there was probably better light in here. He knew he didn’t have to bribe Orien to stay with him.
If tonight was going to be a memory, he wanted it to be a good one. Or, at least, as close to one as he could make on his own.
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 7:54 pm
Orien could tell that Kaelan was anxious. He wasn’t sure about what, exactly. He hoped he hadn’t done anything to make his boyfriend anxious. The leading suggestions and offers. The opportunities for Orien to decide one thing or another.
Whatever was going through Kaelan’s mind was enough to make Orien’s heart feel like it was breaking.
And it made him mad.
That evening was supposed to be a good evening. They were supposed to be there with a court that they were told was like family for so many people in it. Instead they’d been embarrassed and mocked. Maybe only by one person, but that was enough. No, Orien hadn’t been the most friendly, but he was trying. And that wasn’t enough, clearly.
It had been enough to throw Kaelan’s already fragile self esteem into chaos. Orien hated that he wasn’t able to do more. He hated that Kaelan’s trust in people who were supposed to be taking care of him was already so damaged.
So after pulling his hand away from the water and using his pants to dry it off, he turned more fully to face Kaelan. He reached out to take hold of his hands at first, lifting them to kiss each one, and then pulled Kaelan’s arms around Orien’s waist before letting go so he could put his arms around Kaelan as well.
“Would it help if I talked the whole time I was getting things for us? So you know exactly where I am?” he offered, because Kaelan needed some time to get undressed and in the tub. Orien could work on getting everything else, while hopefully keeping Kaelan calm enough in the process.
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 7:59 pm
Kaelan watched Oreo diligently, with worried brows and while chewing on the inside of his lip. His heart skipped a bit, not from panic but from relief. He loved Orien so much, and appreciated him in more ways than he had words for.
When Orien moved his hands, he let them stay there, and even pulled himself a bit closer.
Just for a moment, just one. Then he could pry himself away and get into the bath.
“I’d like that. If it’s not too much trouble.”
It was redundant, it was silly, it was annoying, it was–
No, it was nice. Orien was good to him, Orien didn’t think those things. It was just Kaelan slapping on the negatives right now. He knew Orien wouldn’t have offered if he minded, so Kaelan gave up protesting once more and just tucked his head into the crook of Orien’s neck.
Just for a minute.
“Thank you, Orien. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, I just want you to know that. You’re my favorite everything.”
And, even if tonight hadn’t gone well, at least he still got to come home with Orien. Things would be harder if Jett decided to fire them, or took away their powers, or whatever. The thought made his stomach twist and he wondered again if he could even keep anything down. He pulled Orien closer because he was real. Not some imaginary future. Maybe they could convince Jett to keep them around. Maybe he wouldn’t have to drop out of school, maybe he could still have a future teaching, maybe–
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 8:23 pm
While Kaelan held onto him, Orien stroked his fingers through Kaelan’s hair, although careful about any knots. He rubbed his back with his other hand. He couldn’t help but tug a little at the hem and slide his hand up against Kaelan’s bare back. He was going to be getting undressed anyway!
“You’re my favorite everything, too,” he hummed and pressed a kiss to Kaelan’s temple before reluctantly pulling back enough to press another kiss to Kaelan’s forehead.
“I’ll be right back, okay? Go ahead and get comfortable and I’ll get everything we need.”
Or at least everything he could remember. He was certain he’d already forgotten something he said he was going to do, but Kaelan suggested chocolate, and that was a good idea.
“Just a minute, okay?” he promised once more, making himself break away so he could take a step towards the bathroom door.
Even if they only had each other, that was all Orien needed. He would figure out a way to make things work. He had to, for Kaelan’s sake most of all.
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Posted: Sun Jan 28, 2024 8:34 pm
Kaelan didn’t want him to go. His heart felt empty when Orien pulled away. Practically speaking, of course he had to. They needed to eat something.
He could tend to the bath.
A smile flitted onto his face, and even if it wasn’t very convincing, it was enough.
“Just a minute,” he promised.
He could wait that long. He probably wouldn’t be comfortable until Orien was back, but he could at least make sure the water was perfect and ready.
Just a minute wasn’t so long.
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