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 Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2023 6:47 pm
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Liam had been on his way home anyway when the call from Aloysius had come in, the other needed him home now, so he’d hurried his pace a bit as he walked along the sidewalk from the bus stop. He still was surprised at times that a bus stop was even in this neighborhood, considering all the well off people who lived here, the homes found here spoke volumes about the money these people had. Yet a bus stop was located in the center of it all, like a small spot of color in the center of an otherwise black canvas, it simply didn’t belong. It was there though and he used it as a means to get to and from the house he lived in with Aloysuis.
The quickened walk home resulted in him arriving some ten minutes sooner than he’d figured he’d arrive, and a bit out of breath truth be told, but he’d been at the gym so was sure to already be on the sweaty and somewhat smelly side anyway. “Aloysius?” Calling out in question as he spent a few moments getting his shoes off at the front door, he knew better than to walk about with his shoes on, as he lifted his head and went to start his hunt for the other.
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2023 6:49 pm
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2023 6:50 pm
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The sight which met Liam was unexpected, though the others voice had been telling as well, he just wasn’t expecting this bad. “Aloysius, what happened?” Sinking to the floor in front of the other, the gym bag he’d been carrying was discarded, as he reached out to smooth the others hair down. “You look a mess.” More than a mess really, but he wasn’t going to say that, he wasn’t going to make this worse than it already was.
One of these days he would get the other to stop smoking, on hurdle at a time though, but right now he’d suffer the smell of smoke and the sight of ash on his fingers. It was, at the moment, a little thing…a sign that the other was really bad off. He didn’t normally look, or smell, like this.
“Why don’t you take a seat and I’ll get you a drink, tea or something else?”
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2023 6:51 pm
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Reaching up, he held one of Liam’s hands to his cheek for a moment before speaking. The smoothing of his hair started to help ground him again. He just needed that additional reassurance that they were here before he could bring himself to talk about things. “Some information was leaked during an event and it was like blood in the water for Mel. Information about my past that she refused to let pass by without explanation.” Pausing for a moment, his eyes wandered to the small room he kept things hidden in. “It was about that man, the one I let die, and the things he did to me and many others.” His voice was barely a whisper as he eeked out the words. He was so very tired now, feeling beaten down by the questioning and by the past.
Another pause as he nodded to Liam and reached up to heave himself up from the floor, using the cabinet and counter to steady himself. He was a bit unsteady still as he got up and the unsteadiness carried over into his voice. “What I want, I cannot have. But tea if that is okay with you.” They both knew that all the alcohol in the house had been gone since that first morning that Liam had agreed to help him. There was a pained bit of a smile on his face for a moment as he made his way over to the small table where he had sat with Melody earlier in the evening. He sank into the chair, deflating again as he pressed his face into his hands. Feeling the sting of ashes and nicotine on his fingers, he decided against that position and used his palms to rub his cheeks. Anything to try and pull himself together a bit more to look like less of a mess.
It would be easier this time, maybe this would be the only time he could lay it all out to someone who hadn’t been there for the whole thing. Liam knew about half of his story, at least from his civilian life, and that was just as ugly in its own way. Liam had been nothing but understanding and supportive, which was more than he had felt he deserved. He shook for a moment as the flashes of the past played across his mind, always of the aftermath never of the instigating moment, followed by the feeling of guilt for not living up to the standards he was held to.
There was a sick taste in his mouth as he tried to focus on things, trying to keep himself from shaking to pieces. He had never been this bad before he stopped drinking, but then again he had been so weighed down by alcohol that everything had blended into a haze. He had never faced it, just shut it away, and it wouldn’t stay away anymore. So tonight, he would bear it all and hoped that that might help him move forward. He prayed that it would help, he was so very tired and didn’t know how much more he could bear of it. Even though he was scared of opening up just for someone else to die and disappear again.
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2023 6:51 pm
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“And I’m glad there isn’t any alcohol in the house, it’s a habit you needed to drop. It wasn’t good for you.” Especially if it had anything to do with this, with this person, it would eat the other alive and drown him. If this was how the other handled whatever this person had done, whoever they were, then he hoped the person was gone and unable to ever return and inflict more pain upon the other. He’d never normally wish such things on a person, especially someone he didn’t know, but this was a different case. This was not how a person should be handling this war, serving the Negaverse, and dealing with things. None of it was healthy and he wished the other would stop letting himself suffer…stop lettering the past have such power over him.
It was just a reminder that helping the other, bringing him back to whoever he once was, was not a done job. There was a lot of steps still to be made. As the other sat down Liam went about making tea for him, anything to get the others mind off what he wanted to be drinking and wanted to be doing.
“One of these days you’ll have to work through this, slowly if need be, but you can’t let something hold so much power over you still. Especially if this is why the drinking started. It’ll make it harder to keep the habit from returning.” Looking over his shoulder, watching the other, he tilted his head and reached up to run his fingers through his own hair. “This past seems to be holding you back, from a lot of things, it is no good for you. I don’t like it because it’s keeping you unhealthy.”
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2023 6:53 pm
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Taking a deep shuddering breath, he exhaled and held the table’s edge. “I met him shortly after I joined the Negaverse, by reaching into his chest to practice grabbing starseeds. He was in plainclothes then and let it happen almost, before revealing himself as a General. It shocked Natron and me out of my training as I learned and heard their methods and view of things. I got pulled in by him and into things that were fast and harsh. I deluded myself thinking there was something more going on. I was told to be somewhere at a certain time as an escape route in case things went wrong, I was only a Captain… I was barely twenty. He turned into a monster and I got him out as the building went up in flames. He lashed out, screaming and wanting to die.” It was pouring out now as he kept his eyes shut, trying to wade through the flashes of the past. The usual formal and structured way he spoke was starting to fall to the side in an effort to get things out, to get the poison out.
“I failed, I couldn’t save him. I was scared of the thing I saw and I left him there, near the Rift where nobody from Order could get to him. He had clawed me with those talons, and tried to drag me down with him. I was lost for a while, I looked for ways to prevent it from happening to others and stayed away from people. I was scared to get close, in case I’d lose someone else. It happened again, years later. I got close to someone, they saw me after something had chased me through the graveyard. There was a ******** grave with my name on it and he helped me escape. He looked up to me and I got close and then… he too died. Others disappeared, purified maybe or died. My own general, Natron, disappeared and there was nobody left. That was it, I couldn’t not drink. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t do anything besides see their faces and think of how they were all gone and how I didn’t do anything to protect them.”
He was going so very quiet now as the tears started back up again. “I’m so scared to lose people again, Liam. Even Mel got burned by this war. It’s so hard… to go to work and see all those little faces full of joy to learn music and wonder if they too will be swept up into all this as collateral damage. I couldn’t do anything before when I was a captain but even now as a General, I couldn’t even do anything to protect my sister. I just had to help do damage control after it all. I don’t want to lose anyone else, Liam, I don’t want to lose anyone else.” He trailed off repeating that last bit quietly to himself as he let go of the table and sank down even more into his seat. “I’m sorry…” Repeating that softly as he sat there, he was worn out to the point he felt he might pass out. It took everything out of him to even get that truncated truth out.
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2023 6:54 pm
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Liam had easily noticed the others speech pattern, normally so put together and almost posh, falling apart but refrained from saying anything. It was obvious this talk was rough on the other, that the emotions were still strong, and that was what took hold of the other and dictated his speech - emotion.
“It’s a war, it’s going to happen. People will die, people will get hurt, all we can do is try. We can’t hold ourselves accountable for things which happen to others…not in a war like this.” Shaking his head as he set the cup down in front of the other, before seating himself across from Aloysius.
“All each of us can do is be responsible for ourselves and work to get stronger - so we can protect ourselves. We can help others, try and protect them, but it is limited. You can’t blame yourself for what happened to him - you didn’t do it. You did your best to help him and you saved yourself from being pulled down with him. You saved him from the building, even though he wanted death, you did more than enough.” The other needed to forgive himself, to see the good in what he had managed to do.
“You can help Melody, to help make her stronger, I can as well and others that you know. But she can still be hurt - we all can. We can’t escape, not fully, not when we can be forcefully pulled into things. So we can’t even stay at home and never go out.” Once a person walked through a mirror, gained a henshin pen or an item, or had chaos pushed into their starseed that was it. They were in this till they died, fled the city entirely, or till this war ended in some manner. He wasn’t even sure if fleeing the city would save a person from this mess.
He could understand what the other said, sort of, even though he couldn’t relate to it. He didn’t have young students to worry about or a sibling but he could worry about Aloysius and Melody as they were family in their own way. “I get it, I do, but that means we all need to get stronger and to accept that things will happen. When they do we piece things together, do our best, and move on. “We will all do our best to live and make it through this war - together. We can only do our best. You cannot hold yourself accountable for what other people's fates are…or do you want us to do the same if something happens to you? To become like you did after that person became a monster?” Shaking his head as he reached out for one of the others hands.
“You need to stop hurting and to heal.”
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2023 6:56 pm
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Everything Liam said was true and he knew it but he still didn’t want to accept it. It went directly against the lies he had listened to that kept him going in the Negaverse. To the lies he had told himself about how everything would be okay if he could just get stronger. The slap in the face that being cold and using others was wrong but it left him swinging too far the other way now. Then that last bit, about how others would take his own death, hit him and he responded before he could stop himself and censor what he had always felt.
“But nobody would notice if I was gone.” It was soft and he regretted it as Liam grabbed his hand. He squeezed it in his own as he looked up at them. “I... I mean..” He sighed and muttered a few more sorrys before continuing. He knew that things couldn’t continue this way, he had for a while even before he stopped drinking. Reaching up with his other hand, he now wrapped both around Liam’s hand. “I want to be better but I have no idea how.” Trying to sit up a bit more, he focused on Liam and tried to block everything else out. “Now I have others below me that I am directly responsible for that I brought into all this. I just… worry if I made the right choices.” There was so much more to consider now outside of the bubble he had made for himself between the office and the Rift.
“I know this is not the way you are used to seeing me either.” Sliding himself and the chair around the edge of the table, he wanted to be closer to the other even if he still felt like he was shaky and going to pass out. “I want to protect you and Mel, you both are the only things I have left.” Benitoite was there too in his mind but in the end, he knew that they were prepared for almost anything that would stand against them. Thinking for a moment, which was still pretty difficult with how he felt, he looked at the other and let what they said sink in. He had to listen, had to let someone else dictate and direct. He was afraid they would be mad at him, that they would leave even though Liam had never shown signs of leaving even when things had been worse. Part of him still felt guilty for laying everything out on someone else and for bringing someone else into his problems. He could almost hear the voice of his family berating him for it now but he shook them away.
“I just. “ He didn’t really know where to go from there as his mind spun like tires in the mud so he sat for a moment and tried to take even and deep breaths. Trying to focus, trying to reel it in as it were. It helped sometimes when things were starting to get bad. Coughing for a moment as it really sunk in that he had smoked an entire back tonight, he sucked back in a wheezing rasp of a breath. God, he was a ******** mess.
“I just want to make sure you are safe, you mean the world to me.” It had been the truth and something that drove him nowadays. Even if the way he had asked Liam out had insinuated that he wanted to belong to someone almost as if he felt like less than a person that had to be possessed instead of loved. “I am sorry…”
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2023 6:57 pm
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“There are people who would notice if you died, who would mourn you.” He knew it, he was one of those people, and for the other to think that. It was wrong. It showed how far the other had fallen as well. But he would make sure the other was built back up; somehow. “Let them tell you if it was right. Don’t decide that for yourself or doubt it - talk to them. They will tell you, because only they can.” Shaking his head he wondered how someone could be filled with so much doubt and worry. It seemed impossible really…and yet the other was indeed filled with so much of both things.
Reaching out he yanked the others chair closer to himself, towards his own chair, and used his other hand to squeeze at one of Aloysius’ hands. “No, this isn’t your usual self but this is you - the one who hide.” The weaker him…the reason behind all the problems. This was the problem which actually needed to be tackled, not the drinking or smoking, this was the problem showing itself and it needed dealing with. “I joined knowing about things, I’m on the side which is the most safe. You don’t need to worry about me. Melody has people to keep her safe, or as safe as possible, including yourself. But it’s a war - things happen.” He wanted to say s**t happens, he really did, but he gentled his words a bit. “There is nothing to be sorry for. This is the problem which needs addressing. Everything else will find a way once this is dealt with. Once you stop worrying and guilting yourself over the past.” Taking a breath he steadied himself.
“You know I’m an orphan, my own family didn’t want me…until they did. Until they had a need for me. I didn’t say anything…Melody found out and has helped.” Laughing a bit he smiled at the other. “My own family wanted me to donate bone marrow to help my mother…then I could drop of the face of the earth for all they’d care. Your sister decided to help, to protect the Sharpe family name, because my own family decided to threaten it in order to get me. Trust me - I’m not leaving. Your sister helped me and you two have both given me the family I always wanted…just not in the way I imagined it. She even found my birth father if I’m interested…she’ll help me reach out to him and bring him here…because he was thrown away as easily as I was.” He would be taking Melody up on the idea…he had a father who he wanted to try and meet, to perhaps add to the family he had.
“You don’t need to be sorry, not to family, not when you need help because we all do at times. Your sister found me at a time I needed it and gave it, even if it was to save your family name at the time, I think she’s taken a liking to me and has enjoyed helping me.” And enjoyed ruining a well off family in the city. He didn’t even fully know just what she’d done to them, but he was sure she had enjoyed it.
“So now that my problem has been solved, now that I have a real family and the other one has been dealt with, it’s time to handle your problem because we never did. The drinking yes…but that wasn’t the real problem.” Now it was time for Aloysius to get the proper help he needed, now that the issue was here to see.
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2023 6:59 pm
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It felt like a gut punch at first hearing that people would miss him, it felt wrong but he made himself listen. He didn’t think he needed to ask if Liam would miss him as the other pulled his chair closer and squeezed his hand. It was so reassuring and he nodded as the next blow came. It felt almost… refreshing but extremely revealing in a way, to be seen and drawn attention to. “I.. yes.. the me behind what everyone else sees, behind the calm and collected agent.” It took him a moment as he looked at Liam trying to read his face for deception or something else. Scooting a bit closer, so he had his side pressed to the other for support, he leaned his head against them so he wouldn’t have to speak up as much. “Even when you first met me, those years ago, I still had that act I played.” It felt.. almost taboo to call attention to it, just as his family would say.
Everything he said made logical sense, the dark mirror court kept their heads down and he personally knew at least two of the royalty there and had seen the place they had made for themselves. Even if that place was a bit unpredictable, it still seemed a lot safer than the Rift was. As they continued reassuring and saying things that made sense, that he even knew made sense, he started to pull himself together more. He was still so very weary but he no longer felt his heart trying to crack its way through his ribs or his body trying to shake itself to pieces. He knew that things had to change even if the dead couldn’t absolve him.
By the time Liam took a breath to steady themselves, Aloysius noticed that something seemed different almost apprehensive in a way maybe? But nothing could have prepared him for what happened next. There was a lot to take in because when Liam had said he was an orphan Aloysius thought that meant that their parents were deceased. He was a bit confused about how his family name would be involved in anything for a moment but his attention was quickly focused on the reassurance to trust them and that they weren’t going to leave. It felt like a salve on his heart, on his soul, after this terrible night. He felt so very lucky that time and time again Liam accepted him. He just wanted to melt into their arms at that, where he felt whole and unbroken for a bit so he could heal the cracks. To be allowed to rely on someone, to be allowed to need help, it was all something he never was allowed to hear. Even Benitoite had swept the fraying edges away and told him to keep up the facade of strength. Liam saw him, for how he truly was and didn’t shy away from it. “Thank you.” He mumbled it as an interjection before Liam continued on.
It felt a bit foreign hearing about how Melody, who had just earlier this evening, had been twisting in the knife to get answers, had been helping Liam with an issue out of the kindness of her heart. But as they continued, he felt happy at the prospect that Liam had a living parent who may actually be coming around. There was so much that had happened behind his back that he would ask about later when things were a bit different. Family… that was something that he had remembered fondly when it came to his grandfather but everyone else had been circling like vultures. It sounded a lot like what Liam had dealt with partially with the family that abandoned him, even if he didn’t know all the details yet. Were they a family? He felt so estranged from Melody still but… he wanted that, wanted to be close to people and not hold them at arm’s length.
For a long moment, he stayed silent after Liam finished what they were saying, the cogs rotating in his head in an orderly fashion again. Working through the thoughts that were spat out at a more manageable pace, he nodded against Liam. “If you are with me, I.. think..” He was hesitant at first but then he reassured himself before continuing. ”No, I know that things will be better.” Even if Liam had spoken about how everyone had to look after themselves at first, the way he had focused on family and on how they would handle things together. It felt more reassuring to have someone there alongside him, helping him stand against the tide of the past. It would be better, he would be better one day. Never the same as before everything had happened but better. As he leaned against them even more from how exhausted he had been, he smiled a bit to himself. Deep down he knew one small fact that made him almost laugh because the thought scared him if he didn’t laugh at it. If someone took Liam, his world, away from him, there wouldn’t be anything left to fix or hold him back from burning the rest of the world down around him. So he shook the thought away again and focused on Liam.
“If we are family, does this mean that you might marry me one day? After I meet your father of course.” It had come out in a short blurt, half as a joke and half because his emotions were still so raw. Barely a whisper at this point regardless as some color finally came across his face. He buried his face into the other’s shoulder in embarrassment at how much was just slipping out. It was nice in a way though, being so run down that things poured out even if he knew that there would be hell to pay when he finally passed out. He wanted to say the words he always thought when he saw Liam but they caught in his throat for a moment before he willed them out. Again a whisper and probably out of place in the current moment but as he had Liam had successfully wrangled him back towards normal he felt it even stronger. “I love you, you know that right?” Even if love meant pain to him at times he could never get the words out quite that directly.
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2023 7:08 pm
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“I can’t say that I’d care for the you of the past, I didn’t know them, but I know the you now and I know you love me. I don’t doubt that, I don’t think I could ever find a way to doubt that.” Raising a hand to pet the others hair, to run his fingers through strands of dark hair, he tilted his head towards the others which rested on his shoulder.
“One day I might, one day you might also ask me to marry you. I can’t be certain my father will want to meet me…will want to fly all the way here from Italy to meet me.” That the man didn’t have a family there which he wouldn’t want to leave. Liam turning up might turn the mans world upside down and somehow damage it, especially if he had a wife and children. But he did want to try - he needed to try.
“I love you also, the you that I know, but I want to see you become better because you deserve it.” So he Melody, she needed a better brother, and he himself deserved to have a partner who was well and better. He would help the other become better no matter how long it took, or what it took, he’d be here because this wasn’t nearly as bad as the war the other fought in.
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2023 7:11 pm
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Closing his eyes as Liam ran their hand through his hair, he smiled a bit. It felt good, he felt lighter now that he’d let it all come spilling out. What broke through all the walls now was how Liam saw him, knew him for him, and still loved him and felt that he deserved it. He felt better than he had in a very long time even if he was covered in ash and exhausted. Riding that feeling, he kissed the other’s cheek softly. “I was very full of myself back then, quite the spotlight stealer on stage. But, I think I like this, being able to be me, the true me, with you. We will figure it out, and I think that your father would want to see someone so kind as you are. You deserve good things too Liam.”
Shuffling slightly, he wrapped an arm around Liam to hold him close. “I think I will find a middle ground one day, where I can stand between both sides of myself. I want to be better, for us. But first,” he joked, “I think we both need a shower.” Pulling the other up as he stood, he took another look at the little room where he hid when things got bad. “I also think… I need to clean that room up and throw out that cot one day. Maybe make it a study.” He couldn’t just hide away when things got bad anymore, Liam had seen him and he didn’t want to keep shutting himself away. But he also needed to keep those books hidden somehow, knowledge was dangerous and he knew that keeping all those years of secrets and notes here was risky.
He was leading now, pulling the other along carefully and firmly as he started up the stairs. He wanted to wash all this ash off as well as the events of the night. There were other things he wanted to do but he was so worn out, maybe in the morning. If the shower gave him enough of a reprieve from it all, maybe he might try some of those things he’d wanted to do.
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Posted: Sun Oct 22, 2023 7:12 pm
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“I wouldn’t mind a bit of that old you…I’m sure there was more confidence there. It would, I think, help you to have a bit more confidence in yourself.” It would help him a lot really, it might help solve some of the others issues in various areas. “While you might say that it might not be such a good idea for my father. I don’t know his situation but I do know what surrounded him and my mother and it might not be good for him to rehash it.” Not if he had a family now, it might be very bad. He wouldn’t fault the man for that if it did come to pass that they couldn’t meet.
“I think we should burn the cot, move you into my room, and do a deep clean on that room. For now though I know I need a shower…and you do too.” Sniffing at the other he pulled a face, making a bit more dramatic to take any sting out of it. Truth be told though he didn’t care for the smell of smoke and ash.
Letting himself be pulled along, something which was rather rare, he let Aloysuis take the lead and head them both to the bathroom. “A hot shower would be nice after the gym.” Something he did enjoy after a trip to the gym, always. “And we can continue these talks whenever you want, it’ll help you.” And he wasn’t going to run away from the other, from learning who the other was.
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