|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:11 pm
Once he’d powered down and put his little wispy friend away, the walk back to Liánlí’s new place really didn’t take too long. A couple blocks off from the park where Huanxi had found him, yes, but soon enough, they came to a Victorian Gothic revival-style home that, frankly, Liánlí kinda couldn’t believe had gotten okayed by basically anybody in charge of any codes of vaguely house-shaped conduct. There was not, as far as Liánlí knew, an actual Homeowner’s Association that could cause a lot of problems about his new place being the way that it was.
Which was a good thing, really, because the way Liánlí’s house was didn’t seem like something that might go over well with too many of the sorts of people you tended to find in homeowners’ associations. Most of it had been painted a bright shade of violet that would’ve matched quite nicely with Kāifēng’s knightly outfit if he’d ever felt like risking quite a lot by powering up too much at home. Certain details on the house had, likewise, been painted a bloody scarlet hue that would have matched quite nicely with the top of Kāifēng’s uniform. Around the perimeter sat a black metal fence, taller than Huanxi (though not by much), with a matching black mailbox hanging off it and its different spokes placed close enough together that certain Táotáos could not escape through them.
“Isn’t it great, Huan-ge,” Liánlí said brightly, first collecting his mail for the day, then fumbling in the pocket of his skinny jeans, digging out his keys. One of them unlocked the gate—fitting with the house’s general aesthetic, it was antique and looked it, large and unnecessarily ornate, its silver still slightly tarnished despite Liánlí’s attempts at polishing it—while another unlocked the front door. “Getting copies made of the gate-key hasn’t been easy? Most locksmiths in town tend to work on smaller, thinner models like the house-key. Still, worth it to give Hayden, Qi-jie, and Ming-er Who Is Also Selenga some peace of mind. Easier for them to come check on me if they have a key.”
Liánlí hadn’t explained much about them on the walk over, just enough to clarify that Hayden was his best friend of over a decade, Qiye was his favorite cousin, and Ming-er was hir husband, as well as Page Selenga of Ida. Either way, once he and Huanxi were both inside and the gate had gotten locked up again, it was only a quick jaunt up the porch-steps, then Liánlí got them into the house.
He’d barely finished locking up the door when a little black tornado toddled down the stairs, eyes bright and tail wagging. Although he couldn’t forget Huanxi if he tried, Liánlí did allow Táotáo to distract him, laughing fondly as he crouched down to ruffle his hands up and down her sides. “What’re you so wired up for, huh,” he teased her, fondly. “I bet you were asleep before I got here, xiao-ai.”
Jumping up briefly, she licked him on the cheek. That was it, though, before she broke off to go circle around Huanxi, sniffing at him and still eagerly wagging that tail.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:15 pm
It was strange, to be Huanxi again. It had not felt safe to power down for many, many centuries—and so shedding the accouterments of Helene to come back to the long hanfu that he hadn’t worn in so long was—
Well. It was many things. But most of them, Huanxi thought, were good things. It meant that he was safe to be Huanxi, and not just Helene. And that he had found Kaifeng again, and even if he would have to get to know Liánlí all over again—discover all the ways he was like and unlike Xingyi—it felt…like a second chance.
And Lianli wanted him, in a way he wasn’t sure Xingyi ever had.
“Mn,” Huanxi agreed, “very nice. Quite Saturnian; not surprised you were drawn to it.” He found himself glancing around, with the lightest hint of a frown on his face; there didn’t seem to be anyone who might notice him, which was for the best, because he did not look like the ordinary people of this planet. And, he rather got the impression, extraterrestrial visitors were not as frequent as they had once been.
He followed Liánlí up the porch stairs, turning over all the things he knew, now: Selenga was here, too, which meant it was likely that the reincarnations of Xingyi’s other family and extended family might well be too, just waiting to be found. And all of them, all of those souls, converged on this one city. When they ought to be scattered throughout the universe.
What did it mean? It was hard for Huanxi to guess. He was not Cosmos, keeper of the Cauldron, lady of the stars. Perhaps it was simply not his to know. But he wondered, nonetheless.
And that wondering had him distracted, until the sound of paw-steps drew his attention to Liánlí’s pet. Táotáo, he’d said her name was—and Huanxi bent to offer her his hand, staid and dignified as ever.
“Hello, Táotáo,” he said, all politeness—because who was to say she didn’t understand on some level—as he waited for her to finish inspecting him. “Your Liánlí has kindly invited me into his home.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:16 pm
Táotáo regarded the new person curiously—but not quite as cautiously as Liánlí might have expected, just given her history with meeting new people. She’d done very well with Ming-er and Qi-jie, and exceptionally well with Hayden, but all the nice aunties in Liánlí’s old building and the new neighbors on this block had been met with some degree of caution before getting through to her. Whatever it was about Huanxi, though—maybe Táotáo sensed that he was Somebody Important to her person, or maybe it was something about the dignity and respect that he showed her—after a quick moment of sniffing at Huanxi’s hand, Táotáo soon decided to yip at him in approval.
Then, she decided to rush in and start showering said hand in kisses, which in turn made Liánlí “awww” aloud and laugh delightedly. “Think somebody likes you, Huan-ge,” he cooed, silently grateful that this was the case. Even if Huanxi had only just gotten here, and even if Liánlí hadn’t uncovered too many memories of him and Xingyi up at the evil wizard tower, and even if Liánlí was not Xingyi and would need to work to win his husband over on Liánlí’s own merits, he just……didn’t want to let Huanxi go. Certainly didn’t want to have such an awful thing happen as Táotáo and Huanxi not getting along. But judging from how eagerly Táotáo kept kissing Huanxi’s hand and wrist, that probably wouldn’t be an issue.
“People say dogs and cats have really good intuition about people, y’know,” Liánlí said, giving Huanxi a warm, genuine smile. It faltered slightly as a thought occurred, but only because—“Oh, by the way? Before I start cooking……is there anything Huan-ge likes in particular? Or doesn’t like? I know Fang and Daedalus both like meat, but……” Liánlí quirked his shoulders. “You’re obviously your own person with your own tastes, and it’s been like a thousand years since you had something really good, probably, so……? Anything that you might especially enjoy?”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:20 pm
It seemed that Huanxi was lucky. Lianli’s Taotao seemed to like him, quite a lot—and Huanxi couldn’t help but like her, too. He bent to pet her, ruffling his fingers through her soft fur and enjoying the affection that she was clearly all too eager to lavish on him.
“A very smart girl,” Huanxi said, and he couldn’t help but sound pleased with himself. But then, it was only fair to be glad that Lianli’s companion animal accepted his presence, because he was not eager to leave, and some sort of struggle for space between him and Taotao seemed counterproductive to him continuing to remain in Lianli’s life for as long as Lianli would have him.
That kiss still burned on his lips, something he had longed for with Xingyi and never gotten.
Lianli wanted him. Huanxi wanted, desperately, to stay.
The question about tastes made him involuntarily wrinkle his nose, however. “Ah. Quite the opposite of your other friends, actually. My people do not process meat well. I have…had to eat it, sometimes, but it is unpleasant every time. I can eat other animal products—milk and eggs and the like—but meat itself is….I would prefer not to.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:20 pm
Not that Liánlí’s attention was that divided, only having Huanxi and Táotáo to focus it on (and talking to his doctor about adding in the later afternoon supplemental dose of his Adderall had, he thought, been working wonders for Liánlí not getting quite so distracted while trying to attend to magical knight business). Still, his attention felt especially piqued by the little twitch of Huanxi’s face at the idea of eating meat.… Mn, good to know that Huan-ge preferred not to eat meat. Giving him a smile that Liánlí hoped was reassuring, he nodded.
“Alright, I can work with that pretty easily.” Was it really necessary for Liánlí to dart in and press a quick peck to Huanxi’s cheek? No, and if he were honest with himself, Liánlí could all too easily imagine Zhìháo at a certain age, feeling disgusted by Liánlí giving Huanxi such a casual show of intimacy when they hadn’t even had a whole hour together yet. But as he pushed himself up from crouching down to Dog Height, stretching out as he stood, Liánlí deposited that thought into the mental garbage can where it belonged and moved right on. “I know exactly what I can make for you.… Both generally, because I know a lot of good vegetarian recipes, and tonight specifically.…”
In the long-term, Hayden probably wouldn’t let Liánlí get away with eating strictly vegetarian, but he could just make meat things for himself and vegetarian for Huanxi. Wouldn’t be that much trouble at all.
Heading toward the kitchen, Liánlí motioned for Huanxi and Táotáo to follow him. He didn’t look back to verify that they did because, for one thing, Táotáo’s paws and nails had a telltale sound as they padded along the hardwood floor, then the linoleum of the kitchen. For another thing, though, Liánlí had an idea and wanted to get to work on it, to get it made and give Huanxi something nice—not only because it must have been so long since he’d eaten properly, but also to really, truly welcome him to earth. Good thing that Liánlí had washed his non-stick huò before he’d gone out for the night meant he could just set it up on the stove and get to work.
“This granny I knew growing up would have a whole stupid tantrum at me about how I’m going to cook this dish,” he chattered pleasantly, opening up the cupboard where he kept his assorted sauces and carefully eliding the part of the story where Yang Zimei had been Zhìháo’s grandmother, which also made her Liánlí’s, whether he liked it or not (and he didn’t). Down came the bottle of peanut oil—definitely needed that. “She was such a green tea b***h, and elitist about the stupidest things. A mastermind in the kitchen, sure, but changing anything up from how she personally wanted to make it got her going so easily.… Always all kinds of junk like……”
The bottle of shaoxing wine joined the peanut oil, and then the little box of cornstarch. As he held up and looked between the soy sauce and the maotai baijiu, Liánlí affected a higher-pitched, nagging voice and repeated some of Yang Zimei’s choice nonsense: “‘What do you think you’re doing, adding all that spice? Hasn’t this humble grandmother taught you better than all that? People from Shandong Province make humble food, we aren’t so uppity and fancy like all that Sichuan nonsense, and we aren’t barbarians from Hubei who probably just eat the peppercorns raw’—which is funny because she hadn’t been back to Shandong in decades, so like……how do you even know what the people in Yantai are like anymore, nainai? Seriously.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:23 pm
Lianli was so….animated. There was no missing it, the life that absolutely radiated from him. Always moving, always talking, filling silence and space with motion and word.
Lianli was so alive, it made Huanxi’s chest ache.
Certainly it made him miss Xingyi, to some degree. But Lianli seemed so different, even if there were aspects of him that were painfully familiar, and…seeing so much joy in him made Huanxi happy, more than it made him sad. Whatever life Lianli had lived, it had clearly left him with much space for joy. A joy that he seemed to want to welcome Huanxi into, beckoning him into his kitchen and telling stories while he cooked.
“I would rather have it spicy,” he confessed, “even if it might annoy this granny who is so particular. Haven’t had access to proper spice or seasoning for a long time—had to live with much blander meals. Whatever could be found, but that doesn’t leave much room for good taste.” He sighed.
“Though there were those on my planet who would disagree. Who thought that good food was a sign of excess.” He huffed, shaking his head. “A minority, though their views were starting to gain prominence when….”
He paused. Wasn’t even sure why, really, but it was….hard. To talk about the end. The plague. The deaths.
“…..In any case. I am eager to try whatever it is you intend to prepare.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:25 pm
“Aiyah, a man after my own heart~!” Liánlí said it without thinking about it, giving Huanxi a warm, relaxed smile. Even when his brain caught up and processed what he’d said……no, no, Liánlí stood by that. Definitely stood by that. And why shouldn’t he have? Yes, the whole……reincarnation situation? Might have made things a little bit complicated to figure out? But Xingyi had been Huanxi’s husband, and Liánlí was Xingyi’s reincarnation, so surely, he could prove himself suitable Wifesband Material, if he put his mind to it.
Still, he tacked on the explanation, “I make everything pretty spicy. And knowing that it’ll annoy the stuck-up jerks who Huan-ge used to deal with as well as Green Tea b***h-nainai? Makes it that much better.”
Humming softly—Take me to church, I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies~! I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife~! Offer me that deathless death, and good god, let me give you my life~!—Liánlí left his assortment of sauces and spices on the counter to rummage in the fridge instead. Naturally, the meat got avoided (his next Hayden alarm telling him to eat wouldn’t go off until morning, and truly, there wasn’t any point in getting meat out when he was just cooking for Huanxi, who preferred not to eat it). But Liánlí had a nice assortment of vegetables that he’d already cut up, soaked, or otherwise prepared, then packed into little ziploc containers: tomatoes, shiitake mushrooms, garlic, onions, scallions, carrot, bamboo shoots, lotus seeds, lotus root, oyster mushrooms, baby corn, bean sprouts, snow pea pods, yellow lantern pepper (a big, medium-hot one from The Farmer’s Daughter), some red “facing heaven” pepper (also found at The Farmer’s Daughter—bless farmers markets, truly), and some red and orange sweet peppers.
Likewise, he had a bowl with some pre-cooked youmian—one less thing to worry about—and since Huanxi had mentioned being able to eat eggs, Liánlí grabbed two of them. Better to add some protein where he could, since Huanxi had gone without for so long.
“So,” he said, carrying his armful of ingredients over to the counter by the stove, then taking like a mad scientist to the work of peanut oil-ing up his huò, “what we’re making is a spin on a dish called Buddha’s delight. Not exactly the same as anybody else’s recipe, but pretty much everyone has a different way to make Buddha’s delight.”
Using the handles to tilt the pan and get the oil spread around, Liánlí kept chattering, “The only constant rule is that you don’t put meat in it, and even that gets some debate about it. Some people would act like it’s wrong to add eggs, but others don’t. I’ve even heard people debate about whether or not it offends the bodhisattva Guanyin to use oyster sauce? Which is made from cooking oysters, but doesn’t actually have meat in it? But……”
Giving Huanxi a smile, Liánlí held up the bottles and explained, “Shaoxing wine—we’ll add it in once the peanut oil heats up? It’s a sweet, fragrant rice wine that helps enhance the flavors in the cooking. The soy sauce will help do that too, but it gets added later, around when we’ll add the sweet chili sauce. The maotai baijiu could do the same as the soy sauce, but they make sauces with different consistencies when you combine them with the shaoxing wine? And for the vegetables we have tonight, I think the soy sauce’s consistency will probably work better?”
Had Liánlí thought more about the universe outside of the specific kitchen—this two-person and one-dog universe in which Liánlí was cooking, and Huanxi was here. on Earth. with Liánlí, and Táotáo kept expectantly looking between Huanxi and the cookie jar—maybe then, Liánlí might have recalled the cellar at Xingyi’s cottage, and the ancient alcohols that had degraded so badly that he doubted anybody could survive drinking them. Or perhaps, Liánlí might have recalled any of the memories he’d recovered at his Wonder in which Xingyi had been some degree or other of s**t-faced.
But, as it was, he was very focused on the meal, and he’d known since he’d still thought himself Zhìháo that the alcohol evaporated in the cooking process.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:29 pm
Huanxi felt his heart skip, briefly. After his own heart… Perhaps that was simply an idiom he was unfamiliar with, but the joy with which Lianli said it made him feel….light. Happy. Like there was something soft and pink in his chest, ready to burst from it.
He had felt it before, when Xingyi laughed at some dry joke, or when he got to see an infrequent but beautiful smile. Those moments of lightness and joy, long lost. Moments that might have been forgotten, if Huanxi had not held them so dear.
He nodded, at the explanation, throat feeling far too tight—with emotion, for once, instead of dehydration-to speak. Instead of responding, he was content to watch, taking in Lianli’s movements as he collected ingredients and prepared the pan he was cooking with. The design was familiar, and the recipe, in some ways, reminded him of the types of food he was used to eating on his world, before…everything had ended.
“It sounds very good,” he said, finally, after a long, painful moment of working himself around to words. Still, he watched Lianli with a soft, fond expression—right up until he produced the wine, and Huanxi frowned.
“Two different alcohols,” he said, and there was a tone of concern in his voice. Did Lianli have the same…overaffection for drink that Xingyi had? “Appreciate…only using the one. I know that alcohol burns off in cooking, but I still prefer to avoid it. Cultural, somewhat. But personal, also.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:31 pm
Liánlí was silently haggling with himself over exactly how much peanut oil to use when his pricked up over the note of concern in Huanxi’s voice. Faced with that and his expression, Liánlí briefly tilted his head……and he paled as the answer came to him.
“……Oh,” he managed to mumble, and for a long moment, it was the only thing that Liánlí could think of to say for himself. Everything in his mind stopped and fixated on this, right here, with Huanxi’s concern, and his explicitly personal distaste for alcohol, and how, now that it had dawned on Liánlí, the answer felt so obvious that he really should’ve thought of it before.
Or at least, several suggestive things came to mind and seemed to point toward an answer: in the memory he’d recovered outside the room with the weird little dolls and Xīngyì’s violin, Xīngyì had been “slipping off his seat” wasted on pear brandy from some place called Bélénos. In the first memory, he’d taken a pull from a hip flask before agreeing to help that girl. Memories or no, Liánlí had seen for himself that Xīngyì had had two wine cellars.
None of which had conclusively proven anything, right? Because Liánlí hadn’t had the whole picture, and for all he knew, he might have only had a fraction of it? So, who was he to judge whether or not Xīngyì had actually—“It……it’s because of Xīngyì, right? He, uh.”
As Liánlí glanced down and away, he felt……well, whatever you’d call it, he didn’t really like how he felt. Low-grade nausea, a sensation like little rodents chewing on his nerves, dry-mouth—the last of which motivated him to get down two glasses. No sense in only getting water for himself, not least when Huanxi had been without it for much longer.
Passing Huanxi his glass, Liánlí managed to look up again, eyes wide and dewy. “……I was trying not to judge Xīngyì too harshly,” he said, keeping his tone soft and sympathetic. “Ming-er—Selenga—he sort of snapped at me a while back for not being gentle enough with who I was as a teenager. ‘If it weren’t for him, you wouldn’t even be here.’ And he didn’t explicitly include Xīngyì in that, but I decided Xingyi should be included. Because after I found his wine cellars, and the bottles in his room, and the bottles in his studio, and all of that? I didn’t react so well. And it sure looked like he had a problem with alcohol?
“But then I thought ‘Wait, yeah, this seems pretty excessive, but maybe there’s some context that I’m missing.’ Because at first, I also had the wrong idea about what Xīngyì did in that outbuilding by the cottage? And I was really hoping that it wouldn’t be like what I thought, but……” He swallowed thickly and let his shoulders wilt. “……Xīngyì really did have a problem? Like, he didn’t know when to stop, once he’d started?”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:34 pm
Ah. So Lianli had not had enough context to be certain of Xingyi’s…troubled relationship with drinking. Huanxi supposed that made sense; he was only a Squire, and couldn’t have had long to gather memories of Xingyi’s life. But he clearly had at least an idea.
He took the glass, and took a sip of water as he considered exactly how to answer this question. He didn’t want to lie, and overly minimize, but he also didn’t want to be too harsh, no matter how much stress and frustration Xingyi’s drinking had caused.
“That…is accurate,” he said, as a start. “I cannot claim to entirely know his heart,” to say the least; Xingyi’s heart was often a confusing mystery to him, “but I do know that some of the things he said…seemed to indicate that he preferred how he felt while intoxicated. Or how he did not feel. How it numbed feelings he would rather avoid.” A quiet sigh, and Huanxi took another sip of water.
“So, no, there was not….context that you were missing. Wish that I could say there was.” It would have been nice, for Xingyi’s affection for alcohol to be anything other than what it was—namely…as Lianli said, a problem. “One of many things I wished I had been able to help him with.” Things that Huanxi wished he had been allowed to help Xingyi with. But that was in the past. A cavalcade of regrets that could not be fixed, only grown from. And if Huanxi was very lucky, he would get the chance to do better by Lianli.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:34 pm
Drinking his own water, Liánlí listened attentively to Huanxi’s recounting of Xīngyì’s drinking, of how it had harmed him in its own ways. Sparse, elegant, aching with all manner of pent up emotion—and it made Liánlí’s heart ache for him, too. For both of them, really, but more so Huanxi than Xīngyì because Huanxi was still alive, here in the twenty-first century, as himself.
That ache motivated Liánlí to think for a moment before trying to respond. Wasn’t enough to sort out everything flying around inside his chest right now, no, but he did feel like he owed that extra consideration to Huanxi, who’d had to spend so long with all that pain.
“I’m sorry, Huan-ge,” he started, setting his glass down on the counter. Since he hadn’t turned the heat on yet (and Táotáo didn’t usually try to steal vegetables off the counter), Liánlí came closer to Huanxi. Most of him said HUG THE BOY! HUG THE BOY! on an ad nauseam loop, and in fairness, Liánlí had already kissed him without waiting for permission, so maybe a hug wouldn’t have been that bad? But rather than rush headlong into that, Liánlí held back, instead reaching up to brush some of Huanxi’s hair off his face, then to leave that hand caressing his cheek.
“That must’ve been terrible for you—for both of you. I don’t—like, here? Alcohol is illegal to sell to anyone before they turn twenty-one, but lots of people still drink underage. And I’ve done my fair share of stupid s**t while drunk. Between the alcohol and the panic attack, I just……don’t remember? The vast majority of my big sister’s wedding?” Or her husband, for that matter. Liánlí knew from other people that he’d met Xiuying’s man-thing multiple times, but the only thing he ever managed to remember about the man himself was that, when da-jie felt like being cute, she liked to call him Mianmian. But that was something to take up with Dr. Mjoli, not right now.
“But for me, with alcohol, the appeal really wore off when it stopped being forbidden. My Youtube manager—she’s, uh? this person involved in helping with the work I do besides being Kāifēng of Saturn—and she sends me alcohol, like, every year for my birthday and Lunar New Year. Every bottle ends up given to someone else sooner or later, because I only need the stuff I use for cooking.”
All of which felt well and truly off from the actual point that he’d had in mind when he’d started talking, so Liánlí took a deep breath to get back into a kind of centered feeling. “What I meant is, I don’t really know what Xīngyì’s side of that might’ve felt like? But whatever feelings or pain he didn’t want to deal with? You did help with them. Even if you were trying to help someone who didn’t want help, or didn’t think he deserved it, and even if you couldn’t get him to stop?”
Liánlí’s lip trembled for a moment as he took in the details of Huanxi’s face—details that he hoped to get committed to memory, soon. “Having you there for him did help,” he said, earnestly hoping that he could have the chance to help right now. “The memories of Xingyi’s that have come back to me up there? The worst he’s ever felt about you has been, like, ‘Everything’s better and it makes more sense when he’s here, but he’ll have to leave eventually because his world and his people need their senshi’—and…?” Liánlí made a soft noise like I don’t know. “Feeling that way about your husband just makes sense to me? Huan-ge probably had to feel something like that himself, about Xīngyì’s duties as a Knight of Saturn?”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:40 pm
There was something warm and comforting about being Huan-ge. Even if Huanxi wasn’t sure he understood the meaning behind it, entirely, it was clearly a fond nickname, and one that came with a level of care and comfort. A care and comfort that came through in the way Lianli touched his face, and Huanxi let his eyes close for a moment, enjoying the knowledge that he was safer, here, than he had been in a thousand years.
He wanted to reach out, to touch—and perhaps it would be welcome. Lianli seemed rather physically affectionate, and so perhaps—
Huanxi gently wrapped his arm around Lianli’s waist, a bit of extra physical contact. It felt comforting, to touch and be touched. He’d been uncomfortable with it, once, but that was before it had been forcibly taken from him—before he’d lost even the chance to have physical contact.
And he listened to Lianli describe his own experiences, and there was a weight lifted from him. It sounded as if Lianli did not share Xingyi’s problem—a relief, all things considered. Huanxi was not sure how he would have borne that a second time, watching someone he cared for drown himself in the bottle.
(And, no, Lianli was not Xingyi—was not the same person—but already, Huanxi cared for him. He was lively, and vibrant, and kind, and that kiss still tingled on Huanxi’s lips.)
His expression softened, when Lianli insisted that he had helped.
“I…had hoped, that I might have eased his burdens somewhat,” he said, softly. “Glad to hear that it seems, from your perspective, that I did.” A small gift, and coming from the only person who could tell him anything—since Lianli had access to Xingyi’s memories, and as best as Huanxi could tell, no reason to lie. And it was good, to hear that at worst, Xingyi missed him when he left, a feeling that he was all too familiar with. Their duties had kept them apart, often, but every time they managed to find time together, Huanxi had treasured it.
It seemed Xingyi had, too.
…And then.
Huanxi frowned.
“.....Husband?”
Had Xingyi thought of him so fondly? The thought made Huanxi’s head spin. It seemed almost impossible—that perhaps, what he had wanted was attainable, if he had just ignored the advice of the Council, if he had just taken initiative in his own life—
The very thought took his breath away.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:41 pm
“Huh? But? I mean……”
The arm around his waist felt, to Liánlí, like exactly the permission he wanted. Permission to get closer—such as, for example, by snaking his other arm up and around Huanxi’s shoulders, and nestling against his chest. It was warm here. Being held like this……felt really very nice. Liánlí tended, by nature, to be a very physically affectionate person, normally only holding off out of respect for how some people sometimes needed to Not Be Touched (Ming-er came to mind very clearly, but he wasn’t the only one who Liánlí knew who had trouble like this) or because the largely unspoken rules about Grindr and Tinder hookups tended to include clauses like “Cuddling and casual affection are gross and weird, don’t do it.”
But Huanxi wanted to hold Liánlí, it seemed. And did not mind having his cheek caressed. And Liánlí felt so nice here. So safe, so warm, like it didn’t matter if the rest of the universe had a place for him or not because Huanxi did and being in that place felt right………except for the way that Huanxi reacted to the word “husband.”
“But you two…… The way you look at him, in all Xingyi’s memories? And the way that he looks at you? And the feelings—like, like this one song where he lied and said it was his mother’s, then told the truth about it being his, and I’m pretty sure that he wrote it for you or at least about you, and……?” Liánlí pouted, not particularly upset (at least not yet), but……pensive. Confused. Trying very hard to understand. “And the very first memory of his that came back to me, it was, like? You two were together at his parents’ pomegranate tree. And this pair of twins came—his cousins? Some friend of theirs was dying, and Huan-ge stood up for him, told them off for trying to make him kill someone innocent when it wasn’t actually part of his duties? Then Girl Twin, to get Xingyi to help? She sort of browbeat him about a merciful death being better than a painful one, and ‘Are you a Kurogane and a Knight of Saturn or not,’ and……?”
Liánlí shrugged, really, really hoping that somehow, there would be an explanation in which he wasn’t wrong about Huanxi and Xingyi being married. “She called him your ‘little wife,’ so I thought……? With how you looked at each other, and how passionately you defended him, and……” He made a throaty little noise that echoed his shrugging. “I mean, I get that Girl Cousin was insulting you and Xingyi, but……? Everything else seemed to say ‘Married’ from my perspective? Especially things like letting Huan-ge help with making observances for his parents when Xingyi felt like specially honoring them wasn’t allowed?”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:44 pm
This was…nice. Even if the revelation was lease than pleasant—even if Huanxi was apparently about to burst a bubble Lianli had created from Xingyi’s memories (and what a thing—to know that Xingyi saw him in such a way that it made Lianli believe they were married…) it was still good and comforting to have Lianli close, to hold and be held. And he didn’t seem to be pulling away with the revelation that things were not as he had believed, so…that was good.
“I….would have liked to marry Xingyi,” Huanxi admitted. “But I was…foolish. Afraid of rejection, or of causing further problems for him by entangling him in even more politics than he was already tied to. Listened to the wrong people, rather than my own heart.” He sighed, softly. “I was a coward. And Xingyi died before I was ever able to tell him what I wanted, or to give him the chance to accept or reject me for himself.”
He looked away, guiltily.
“It is my greatest regret. And I hope to be able to make up for it.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:53 pm
Oh, but the truth hurt, didn’t it.
Yes, yes, it absolutely did, and for a couple moments, Liánlí didn’t really know what to say. Being wrong about Huanxi and Xīngyì’s relationship, he could get over; Liánlí had been wrong about a lot of things before, and felt certain that he would be wrong about still more things in his time. If it had only been a matter of Liánlí’s assumptions about the nature of Huanxi and Xīngyì’s relationship being wrong, then Liánlí might have reserved the right to feel Very Frustrated with Xīngyì? But mostly, he could have laughed it off and moved along.
Listening to Huanxi’s side of it, though? Hearing the pain in his voice and watching him look so hurt, both about having lost the man he’d loved and about having lost out on something that he’d wanted? What even could Liánlí say to that, without seriously undercutting everything?
While he thought about it, Liánlí tucked himself closer to Huanxi’s chest. Hugged him more tightly. Gave his chest and collarbone a nuzzle without really thinking about it, which didn’t particularly make it easier for Liánlí to do the words thing with his brain? But it felt nice for him, and maybe, he hoped, it would also feel nice for Huanxi? To have someone holding him and caring to give him comfort?
“I’m so sorry, Huan-ge,” Liánlí repeated, when nothing else he could think of in any language sounded even vaguely like what he wanted to say. The rest was somewhat more complex to address, not least because Liánlí didn’t feel like Huanxi had anything to ‘make up for,’ but also felt like……all this clearly meant so much to Huanxi, he would probably push back on that idea somehow. Leaning up to nuzzle Huanxi’s neck, he added, “For what it’s worth? I’m glad you’re here. And to have this chance to know you. And—ahhhh……”
Liánlí glanced back at the counter, then flashed Huanxi a grin that wanted very much to be found cute and endearing and silly. “To, uh……make you that dinner I promised? And hopefully more things together after that?”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
