Done in Gdocs and transferred here.
Sleep, as usual, evaded Noctua. If she slept, and that was a definite if, it had been light, restless, and fleeting. The kind where the waking world kept invading the dreaming one and the two mixed infuriatingly, blurring the lines between reality and fiction. It sounded whimsical. And perhaps for some it was, the way dreams and reality played. Noctua imagined that for someone with a less haunted mind, it was quite like a fairytale.
It was just a more corporeal nightmare for her.
At her next session with Doctor Stevens, she’d recount the way the twisted black thing crawled on mangled arms and legs out from under her bed and up over the footboard. She’d tell her how she watched from the corner as the thing slipped into her own sleeping body’s mouth and vanished.
Another shudder wracked her body as she paused in her organization of the files on Benitoite’s desk. No matter how she tried to distract herself from that memory, it kept creeping back in. Creeping like that horrible withered thing.
Noctua shook her head, as though jostling the memory from her mind, and went back to work. Benitoite’s desk had been made into a veritable mess. New documents which had appeared when they were both absent and had been unceremoniously deposited where they did not belong. Noctua had been with him long enough to know the irritation this would cause, and though it was minor, she opted to avoid it.
It was, quite literally, the least she could do for him. And it had the added benefit of steadying her trembling hands.
—
He could hear the shuffling sounds beyond the door, inside his office, as he stood at the door. Pausing for a moment, wondering how to best word things, he finally turned the handle and headed into his office. “Noctua.” She was arranging things, papers and files, by the looks of it. Who had messed up his desk anyway?
Tilting his head he nodded once, in approval, before heading over to his desk and seated himself. Staring up at the female across from him, now seeming much taller than himself. “Noctua, thank you. You don’t need to clean the messes others make however. Moreover we need to talk, I have a rather important matter to discuss with you, as it concerns you and your care.” Or her lack of self care.
“Please, sit.” Ignore the mess, for now, he’d manage it once he’d finished speaking with her. It wasn’t her mess, he knew that, and she shouldn’t be picking it up and organizing things. Whoever made the mess should have taken more care and organized things, taken note of how neat his desk had been. Whoever had dropped off the paperwork clearly didn’t care, didn’t care how he wanted things sorted out and straightened, likely some new member of the Negaverse or someone who didn’t like him.
---
Noctua had felt her General’s approach and as such was unsurprised by his entrance. She had also been expecting a conversation about her health. Actinolite had no doubt told him of her recent struggles. How the new medication was having no effect. How her nightmares were getting worse. How they were making it difficult to be a civilian any more. No doubt he’d also noticed how much more time she’d logged as a senshi and how ahead of her quota she was.
Still she dipped her head to hide her blush.
“Doctor Stevens thinks the medication might be making things worse, and that it’s not necessarily my condition worsening. She is putting back in my old medications to see if my insomnia also goes back to normal.” Which was a fairly insane concept. The idea that there was a version of “normal” insomnia, but when had anything in Noctua’s life ever fit the mold of “normal” in a traditional sense? In the end, anything was better than her current sleeplessness to be honest.
“I know that it’s making me less clear in the field and I’m sorry. Hopefully in a week I’ll be back to normal.”
Normal. She kept using that word but… she felt anything but.
“I did gain five pounds, though. I recently lost three of them but… it’s still a net gain of two, right?”
---
“I see I don’t need to tell you what my concern is about.” That was good, she knew the issues and expected him to approach her about them - perfect. It would make this all easier.
“I understand about your medications…but perhaps I might be able to offer an alternative solution which your doctor might not be aware of.” Which would not surprise him at all. Not everyone knew about what he was planning to utilize in order to help his senshi.
“It’s not an idea I’d normally entertain, I rather dislike it, but it might assist you in recovering from what ails you. It’s because of that, and knowing your loyalty to already be pure as gold, that I even consider this idea.” Leaning back in his chair, curling into it, he kept his gaze on the other. “I’m glad you gained weight, even if some was lost, it’s still an improvement. I’d like to see you improve further. Would you like to discuss the idea with me?” He wasn’t going to force things on her, she was her own person, he respected her enough to bring up the idea and question if she wished to discuss it. He hoped she was interested in talking about the idea.
---
Another option? Noctua hadn’t known that there was such a thing. Her parents and Doctor Stevens had been clear that they were close to exhausting all of their options. Noctua had long since come to the understanding that the only way she was escaping her own nightmares was to ascend and thereby throw away her humanity in the process. How else would she shed this pathetically human malady than to shed her pathetic humanity. All it had ever done was slow her down, after all.
She mirrored the way Benitoite curled into his seat, protectively wrapping her arms around her knees, pinning them to her chest.
“I’m willing to try anything, if I’m honest,” Noctua admitted with a mirthless grin. “You know of my ambitions to ascend, and while fleeing from sleeplessness and nightmares isn’t the only reason I want to achieve such a rank, it is an added bonus.” Even if she was aware of what she would be giving up in the process.
Not for the first time, nor for the last time, she wondered what it would be like, not just to not feel fear, but to feel nothing at all. Would it feel like relief? No, perhaps not, since relief was a feeling as well. What, she asked herself, did emptiness feel like?
“What is so terrible that you wouldn’t otherwise consider it? You seemed perfectly amenable to my ascension, and that seems to most to be the worst possible scenario.” Noctua tried to inject the timber of humor into her voice but failed. She was exhausted, and truth be told, nervous. What would Benitoite possibly balk at?
---
“Yes, an added bonus but at what cost? Does it balance out in your favor, where if I could remedy what causes you such suffering it, would still be an idea?” He questioned her gently. He knew she had spoken of ascending but how serious was she about it? Was it just to cure her issues or did she want it, despite its flaws? If he removed the malady would she still want it? That was what he needed to know, he wanted to do what was best for her - what she wanted. He was her General and it was his duty to take care of her, to look out for her, and make her the best officer possible.
“I’m amenable to what is best for you - what you want. I hold free thought and freedom above most other things.” It was why he’d joined the Negaverse - to fight for his own freedom. If the Negaverse lost, and the people of Earth fell under the sway of some alien people, it wouldn’t be because he’d let others fight for him and his freedom. He’d have lost his freedom because he’d failed himself.
“For me one of the worst things a person can do is take away another person's freedom, their ability to think for themselves and be themselves.” Leaning forward as he spoke, the seriousness of the topic shining in stormy eyes. This was a topic which had plagued him for a while now, something he wrestled with even bringing up. But he couldn’t see much of a downside when he really thought about it properly, without all his distaste coloring his view.
“A youmiglia is a youma that goes into a person, into your head, it’s used to control officers who aren’t exactly loyal…to make them loyal and make them better officers. You are already loyal, I’ve no doubt about that.” Especially after recent events, he’d be surprised if anyone doubted her loyalty to the cause and to the Negaverse. “It makes them loyal to Metalia, whatever her wishes and wants be.” Which he didn’t exactly like either, but it wasn’t all that bad. He just disliked not knowing Metalia and her wantsw, didn’t trust it might not turn Noctua against him sometime in the future…turn her into a weapon to use against other officers. There would always be worry in his mind about loyalty to Metalia without the ability to think for oneself. There was, in his opinion, some difference between loyalty to Metalia and loyalty to the Negaverse.
“The issue is being the best officer you can be…which you can’t be due to your sleeping and eating habits. I believe this route might help you to eat and sleep better - to tend to yourself better. It would make you a better officer…a better weapon against order, which is the purpose. It would benefit us in a roundabout way I think.” The purpose wasn’t to give her better health but in order to be a better officer she’d need to be in better health, it would serve them well.
“I don’t like the idea of making you a puppet for Metalia or anyone…but it might help.” He was certain it would actually. He just…he disliked taking away free will. He knew she’d understand his issue with the idea, why he’d been fighting with it for a while now. She’d understand the seriousness of his voice and why he wanted her input on this. He would not force it.
---
Noctua wound her locs absently around her slender fingers as Beni spoke. She was well aware of his devotion to freewill. And she was well aware that this was what bound him so tightly to the negaverse. He had passed on that devotion to her. She knew that she was an invader and an alien on this planet. The Negaverse promised to naturalize her as much as possible and once the war was over she swore that she would destroy her henshin pen and live out her days as a human.
And then he mentioned youmaglia. Noctua had never even heard the word before, so when he mentioned it, her eyes flicked up to meet his.
She’d seen him serious before, but this was… different.
It makes them loyal to Metalia, whatever her wishes and wants be
It stung Noctua, and she didn’t bother hiding it from her expression. She was loyal. She’d worked her whole powered life to prove her loyalty and her gratitude. It was the whole reason she wanted to ascend in the first place. How else could she prove her devotion to the negaverse if not to shed everything that wasn’t made for its service?
Benitoite’s reassurances of her loyalty soothed her wounds a little, but her brows were still knit into a tight line across her forehead.
“If… if I’m already loyal… then what help would a youmaglia be?”
—
“You cannot fight, for Metalia, to your fullest whilst in the poor state of health you are in now. It would mean you’d have to take care of your needs - sleep and eating. It would force that.” Since her loyalty wasn’t an issue, and honestly never had been, it wouldn’t force her to do anything which she wouldn’t already be willing to do…aside from eat and sleep. Though he was certain she wanted to do both things…just that she couldn’t do either thing.
“That would be the purpose of the youmaglia for you. It would help you regain your health so that you can better serve Metalia and defend yourself and other officers. You’d be stronger and fiercer in battle.” Someone that order should fear and shudder at the sight of. She was already someone who should be feared but he wanted to see them shudder as she came onto a battlefield, wanted to see fear in their eyes as they landed on her.
“It is, of course, your choice. It might leave you not needing to see the good doctor, unless you wanted to simply exchange pleasantries over tea and coffee.” He did hope she’d take him up on the offer, to see if it would work, he was hoping this would solve the problem before she became an emotionless puppet. He’d seen the first ascended senshi, Alkaid, once in passing and he couldn’t forget it - how could he? They were like pretty little broken puppets made to dance by their Queen. He was all for serving Metalia, and the Negaverse, but not like that. How does a person fight, genuinely, without emotions and passion? It felt like they were just going through the motions…not actually fighting because they wanted to but because someone else wanted them to - made them. The emotions were all drained out of them…the want for the battle and the passion for the fight.
“If it doesn’t work we can remove it - I’ll remove it personally if it doesn’t work.” He wouldn’t leave it if there was no benefit for Noctua, since this was for her, as her loyalty didn’t need to be forced as was the usual purpose for the youmaglia. This was for her own benefit.
---
Noctua fiddled with the hem of her fuku as she listened to Beni. She chewed on her chapped and dry lips as she thought, trying to weigh all that she knew. There were so many unknowns. How did this thing rewire her? How would it affect the rest of her life? It couldn’t possibly make things worse, right? She absently picked up a dreadlock, noting how it had paled to nearly gray with the stress of the life she was currently attempting to lead. Soon, she supposed, it would be all white.
Granted, there were as many unknowns about ascension… and she’d been ready to throw herself into that to prove herself. The youmaglia seemed like a much less drastic version of this process with not nearly as many side effects. At least not as many that Beni knew about or was telling her… no, he was telling her all that he knew. He would never keep that information from Noctua, she was certain. And this meant that she could keep on living her normal life. Just… a better version of it. Noctua never had been partial to the idea of never seeing her parents to Apricot again.
“What will happen to me if this goes wrong,” she asked after a long and pensive silence. Beni didn’t seem exactly enthusiastic about this possibility, even if it seemed like the better one.
“And… will you administer this, or will someone else?”
Obviously she’d prefer if Beni could do the deed, but… if he couldn’t… she’d at least want him there to hold her hand and tell her it would be alright.
—
“If it fails…it’s like any youma - it can be killed. They can be killed by senshi attacks, so it can be dealt with if needed. If it fails I’ll handle it myself, I’d like to honestly keep this all in house sort to speak.” Since he was using such a thing for, admittedly, somewhat selfish reasons. It would indeed help Noctua be a better Corrupt senshi, without a doubt, but not in the same way it helped others. He didn’t want others to know how, or rather why, he was implementing such a thing.
“I can administer it, I assume you’d prefer that?” He didn’t even really need to ask, he knew her well enough to know this about her. She was loyal and if he didn’t know better he’d almost say a crush on him…but it wasn’t that, at least he was mostly sure of that.
“As I said, it’s up to you. I won’t push it…and if you want to ascend instead I’ll help with that too - I’ll be there for that.” As much as he didn’t like it, because he held humanity as such a precious thing, he would be there for her…to watch the human in her die. He would hold her hand and watch her sacrifice her homeworld to their Queen and he’d be there every day, and night, after as well.
“Either route you go I won’t push you away from me and my service. You’ll still be welcome.” Even if he would have a hard time dealing with an ascended senshi. He’d do it because it was the respect she deserved.
---
Let no one ever question Benitoite’s devotion to his people ever in the presence of Noctua. Not now as he sat, composed despite the weight of what he was suggesting because he knew that Noctua needed him to be composed. Not as he vowed to stay beside her no matter what happened, to protect her regardless of the way these paths panned out. She’d kill them before the suspicion left their lips.
She cuffed the moisture from her eyes, masking it with a yawn that wasn’t entirely forced, and gathered herself. She could blame how moved she was on her lack of sleep but she knew that would be a lie. Benitoite’s kindness always made hard spots inside of her soften and go a little sweet. The same way her parents and Dr Steven’s made those same spots go a little gooey. The effect of a good best friend. An older brother she’d never had. Someone irrevocably in her corner, no matter what happened.
She only hoped that Benitoite felt half as supported by Noctua.
“I would like you to administer the… administer it, yes. If possible. At the very least, I’d like you to be there.” And if she ended up clinging to his hand like a child at the doctor, anticipating a vaccine, then well… that was between Benitoite and her and neither would ever reveal that weakness.
“But I’d also like some time to think about it? Knowing that it could be killed helps but… it’s a lot. Something actively in my brain… I dunno. Sounds a little…” Well… she wasn’t sure what it sounded like. She was going to say surgery, but even that… this felt a little to the left of that. “I’ll get back to you within the week of my decision,” she promised, her voice perhaps a little too sharp in her anxiety.
—
“Of course, I don’t believe someone else would need to do it anyway.” He’d just need permission, or to file a reason for it, either way he was fairly certain it was something he could and would be doing. But to hear her choice was both a relief and somewhat stressing in a way. It would hopefully be what she needed, to help herself, but also he hoped it wouldn’t change her more than he was hoping it would. He didn’t want to alter who she was…to make her some puppet. He hadn’t liked it with Bazzite, though he had come to accept it, he didn’t want to turn a fully human officer into a puppet of sorts.
“I know, it sounds like something out of a sci fi movie, among other things, trust me when I say I understand.” It sounded invasive, and like it would be very painful perhaps. It sounded like a lot of things and none of them really good and a lot creepy, among other things. “If you need longer than a week I get it, trust me I do. I’ll wait as long as you need.” He wouldn’t force this one her, especially not when he couldn’t entirely predict what would happen, he was just hoping for a rather specific outcome which seemed very possible.
“Write it down, write a list or pros and cons if you need. Talk to yourself about the idea. Do whatever you need to work through it and decide what’s best for you. Don’t think of anything besides that.” because she was a good officer, no doubt about that, but he knew she could be better and he knew her sleep and eating habits were not what they should be for a normal person, much less an active officer. This would help her and the Negaverse but he was, for now, more concerned with her. She was a human first; at least to him.
“Go get some rest, if you can, and think on it. Perhaps get some food.” If she could manage it. “I’m going to go home as well.” Because there was much to think on, even after all this had been said.
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