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 Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 8:43 am
The good news about Kaelan’s fits was that he was almost entirely compliant during them. He was naturally eager to please, and when he was so overwhelmed, he lost most logic and reasoning skills. That meant, when Orien told him to power down, he did. When he told him to just stay in his arms and relax, he did.
Well, he tried to.
He spent most of the walk home grappling with emotions that he didn’t understand. If this were any other day and any other occasion, he’d have been able to compartmentalize better, and sort them, and shove them far away where he didn’t have to deal with them.
Kaelan was quiet the whole time, which wasn’t terribly uncommon. Sometimes when he was upset, he just didn't have anything to say. Most of his brain power was devoted to trying desperately to chip away at the crushing disappointment he’d found himself pinned under. Every thought felt like a loose thread and the only way to clean up the mess he’d made was to untangle the knot they’d made.
He was just afraid of pulling something too hard and messing up the fragile balance he’d managed to accomplish on the way home.
He hadn’t broken into sobs or made much noise. Sometimes, a shuddery breath. Sometimes a sniffle. He’d wiped at his eyes with his long, stretched out sleeve, but kept his face mostly buried against Orien’s chest.
It hadn’t occurred to him that he could ask to walk home. Or that he could talk to Orien on the way home. When he was told that Orien was going to carry him there, he was fine with that. There was no reason to argue or offer any alternative.
Orien hadn’t done anything wrong. Well, maybe attacking those Squires wasn’t a good idea, but Kaelan hadn’t any mental strength to consider such things. He was just overwhelmed. He had been for a long time, and the pressure was guaranteed to snap at some point.
Kaelan wasn’t perfect, and had already gone through a list of about a thousand flaws and imperfections and mistakes on the trip home. He almost didn’t even realize that they’d made it home until he heard Orien struggling with the keys a good few seconds into it. He wasn’t really thinking when he stretched his hand out to help. He messed that up too, and nearly knocked the keys out of Orien’s hand in the process, and that was just another thing to add to the list.
The keys didn’t fall, though. They slid into the door. It unlocked, and he twisted the handle just enough that Orien could kick the door open, but Kaelan had never turned around to look. He buried his face deeper into Orien’s chest and bit his lip so hard he tasted blood again.”
Things hadn’t been easy since he’d gotten out. Orien had made it better. Realistically, all things considered, they were doing well. Kaelan just didn’t have any sort of healthy coping mechanisms, and apparently all it took was some Squire’s magic to shift the carefully constructed emotional lockbox where he shoved all of his problems.
Kaelan hadn’t really cried in front of Orien since he’d gotten out, and he tried very hard to maintain that he was fine. Everything was fine. Constantly. He wasn’t stressed about anything.
Everything was fine.
Orien was reactive to his emotions; anything negative that he put into a situation Orien absorbed into himself, and Kaelan was already kicking himself with worry about how much damage this might have done.
He was tired; all of his worrying had worn him out, and the exhaustion of trying to suppress every scrap of emotion he could before it leaked out wasn’t helping. In his heart, he knew Orien was perfect and wonderful and would never think as poorly of him as he thought of himself, but that Knight had unsettled the foundation he’d built for himself and introduced an unpleasant what if that he didn’t want to deal with.
His throat was so raw from trying to keep every sound down that he couldn’t even voice an apology so he just stayed quietly pressed against Orien’s chest.
Kaelan knew this was all in his mind. He was just so disappointed in himself–worried about performing poorly in school and letting everyone down, being a bad employee and not picking up as much weight as Jett wanted–or disappointing coworkers or customers, or failing as Dark Mirror Senshi, terrified of frustrating or letting Orien down.
Usually, he could just tell himself he was having a bad day, take a quick shower and scrub his face hard enough that it wasn’t obvious he’d let himself have a little cry–and if it was too bad, oh no, he just got soap in his eyes again–but today was different, and on top of the worries and concerns and doubts, Orien knew, and now he was just worried about putting that burden on him. Or maybe they would just go to sleep and Orien would forget about this by tomorrow. And Kaelan could make pancakes or something fancy for breakfast.
And he could just bury all of this down a little further than he had before so he didn’t have to deal with it again.
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 11:35 am
The only thing that mattered to Orien was Kaelan. If Kaelan was upset, then Orien was upset. If he was happy, then Orien was happy. Right now, Kaelan was in distress, so of course Orien was in distress as well.
He’d carried him the entire way home, and he was already panting for breath when he used his toes to help kick off his shoes once they were in their apartment. He could have placed Kaelan down on the bed and wrapped him up and held him tight there, but he could tell that there was something off. That this was more than just a bit of panic.
So Orien pushed the door to their bathroom open, and after stepping into the tub with Kaelan still in his arms, he used his foot to kick on the water and turn on the shower.
It was cold -- well, lukewarm since the building sucked and the heat outside warmed any water in the pipes -- and Orien stood directly under the shower with Kaelan, soaking them both.
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 11:44 am
If Kaelan had thought about it, he might have realized that there were too many steps between the front door and the bed. He thought that was where they were going–maybe just because he’d been thinking he could hide himself under the pillows.
His face was still buried in the sleeve of his shirt and pressed firmly against Orien’s chest when the water first hit him, and the surprise startled him out of whatever haze he’d let himself settle into. He didn’t quite panic when the water began to saturate his clothes. It was colder than he expected and kicked him into some sort of action.
He pressed against Orien and squirmed a bit in his arms as if he intended to escape the flow of water. He couldn’t. He did the next best thing and frantically toed off his shoes, which clattered just outside of the tub. He wasn’t worried about his phone; he’d left it here charging while they were out. If Orien was with him, he didn’t need it.
The surprise of it all had been enough to snap some sense into him, and though his voice wavered in tone and strength, and nearly cracked when he spoke, as he wriggled closer to Orien and away from the water he asked, “What are you doing?”
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 11:59 am
Kaelan could squirm all he wanted, but Orien had no intention of letting him escape. Not that easily, at least. If Kaelan was obviously distressed and demanded to be let go, then Orien would of course oblige, but he also knew that Kaelan trusted him, even if he didn’t like what he was doing all the time.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. And in reality, he really didn’t know what he was doing. He thought maybe the change in temperature would help snap Kaelan out of his panic and distress, but other than that, he had no rhyme or reason behind why.
And maybe it was a good way to just let Kaelan be upset if he needed to. Orien tried not to bother him about it too much, but he knew that Kaelan bottled everything up. The longer things stayed hidden, the worse it would be. Or that was what made sense to him. That was usually how it worked with him, too.
“I’m holding you in the shower,” he verified, but it sounded silly to say out loud. Their clothes were getting soaked. But it had gotten Kaelan to say something.
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 12:10 pm
For a few seconds longer, Kaelan was rigid in his arms. He had already half crawled up Orien’s body, but after he got his answer, somehow it didn’t seem like it was as important to get away.
He stayed tense, only until he managed to drape his arms around Orien’s shoulders, and then he just sort of sagged back against him. He didn’t try to hide his face again but he felt so tired. He pressed his cheek against Orien and angled himself only just enough to escape the water splashing onto his face.
It seemed like too much effort to try and talk over the water, but he couldn’t just sit here in silence. The water from the shower seemed to ease out whatever water he’d been holding in his eyes, and he shuddered as he wiped his now-wet sleeve on his face.
“I’m sorry,” he said, with as much volume as he could muster. He meant every word of it–sorry for everything, and every hardship, and every mistake, and–sorry for the fight, and sorry for making Orien carry him back, and sorry for making him hold him in the shower, and–
Sorry for everything in the world that he could be sorry for.
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 12:15 pm
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Orien insisted, smoothing Kaelan’s hair where he could reach, pressing kisses against his cheek. His arms were shaking from holding Kaelan this whole time, but his arms usually trembled so it wasn’t like Kaelan had to know he was probably past his limit for being able to hold him. He could set him down any time, but until he was sure Kaelan was okay, he would just hold onto him.
“I’m the one who should be sorry. Not you. I’m sorry for upsetting you. You only ever deserve good things, and I went and messed things up,” he said, because that made the most sense. Why else would Kaelan be so upset? Why else would he need to be carried back home and held and put under the water to help calm down?
“You’re okay. It’s okay,” he promised over the sound of the water. “I’m really proud of you. You’re doing so good, and I’m sorry that I made things worse.”
He made things worse, didn’t he? This was his fault. If Kaelan was upset, it was because of him, clearly.
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 12:22 pm
Ordinarily, Kaelan would have noticed the trembling much sooner, but it was hard to differentiate where his ended and Orien’s began.
The kind words helped, mostly. They also ripped a stupid, silent sob from his chest, and he hated that. Orien was saying nice things to him. He shouldn’t have to work so hard to make him feel okay.
Kaelan shook his head quickly, but between one raspy breath and another, he felt Orien’s arms. He forgot what he might have said. He didn’t think to protest anything. Orien was pushing himself too hard, because of Kaelan. He didn’t want another thing to be added to the list of disappointments.
“Can we–can we sit down?” he asked. The tub wasn’t very large, but they’d both fit in there before. He didn’t really care about his clothes getting wet. They were sticking to him uncomfortably, and it was cold, but that just made him want to move closer to Orien anyway.
He’d have wanted to be pressed against him even if it was a thousand degrees outside.
“It’s not–it wasn’t you.” Words were difficult. They felt impossible. He couldn’t remember what he wanted to say, or why, he just didn’t want Orien to blame himself. Speaking was too much energy. He wished there was some way he could just press his forehead to Orien’s and he would understand without Kaelan having to explain it all, but he didn’t even have the energy to daydream about it.
“It’s me. Or that magic.”
Every sentence, every half sentence, left him winded, and he was still choking back emotions, but he wanted Orien to know it wasn’t his fault. The tears were falling more freely now, but it was harder to hold them back and easier to hide them in the water, and he hated how this felt because he’d been doing so good at pushing everything to the wayside. Tonight wasn’t even bad! They’d been having a good night before all of this. They’d both been working so hard, and doing so good, so why–what was this all about?
And why was it so hard to just shove it all back down again?
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 12:27 pm
Orien didn’t have to be asked twice. He was more than happy to sit. He’d forgotten that he could have sat down in the tub instead of just standing there. He was careful as he did it, because Kaelan was precious to him and he wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt him. But he was still sure to keep them both under the water. It seemed to be at least a little bit of a release valve for Kaelan.
“It’s not you,” he insisted, squeezing Kaelan as tightly as he could without actually hurting him. He’d maneuvered them to sit in the tub, and now that they were down, he was able to brush his hand through Kaelan’s now soaked hair.
“You do so much, and you’ve been through so much. I love you more than anything. Whatever you need, I’m here for you,” he promised, although how much of his words could be heard over the water, he wasn’t sure.
There was another question on his lips that he probably wisely held back. A quiet hesitation that he wasn’t sure how to react, before deciding it didn’t matter and that he trusted Kaelan anyway. With everything that has happened in their lives, he was grateful that he could have someone he could trust so deeply.
“You’re stronger than that magic. You just need to breathe. It’ll be okay.”
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 12:35 pm
When Orien sat them down, Kaelan curled up a bit. He didn’t mind the tight space–preferred it, even, in a way. It was an excuse to make himself small without being too obvious, and to maneuver himself in any odd shape just to be as close to Orien as humanly possible.
If he could have, he would have just melted against him. The hand in his hair was more comforting than he could think to admit, and he squeezed his eyes so he could just focus on the feeling of comfort instead of the pins and needles that had grown in the pit of his stomach.
He heard everything that Orien said. He nodded when it took him a moment to find the words, and hoped that Orien could feel that over the water.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. It was just in his nature, but he meant it. He never wanted to be a burden, especially not to Orien. He mopped at his face again but his sleeve was so wet that it didn’t really do anything. “I love you. I really appreciate you.”
He wanted to say more but it felt like the word bank in his mind was shut down. Probably crumbled in the avalanche of emotions. It felt like an earthquake inside his mind. Maybe that was why he kept shaking.
But, Orien was so sweet. So perfect. So good to him, when he was falling apart. He was probably confused about all of this.
He sniffled again, and he was trying so hard not to just ugly cry. It had been a long time since he’d come undone like that. Orien had been through so much, overcome so much, too. It didn’t seem fair to cry on him now, not when he was already doing so much for him.
But then, Kaelan didn’t want to cry like that, not ever. He always felt weak, afterwards, and ashamed. And tired, and empty, and hollow.
…And then, eventually, better, but it was just so much effort to get there.
Kaelan didn’t know what else to say except for, “I’m breathing. Thank you. I love you.”
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 12:44 pm
Orien was quiet as he tried to soothe Kaelan. He wanted him to feel comfortable enough to get out all of his emotions without having to worry about Orien. Kaelan deserved to worry about himself.
So when he said he loved him and appreciated him, Orien smiled and kissed his forehead. In a way, he felt like that was all he could do. Not unless he wanted to pull the attention away from Kaelan and make him worry. Orien definitely didn’t want Kaelan to worry. Especially not about him.
“You’re doing so good, Kay. I’m right here. We’ll work through this and things will be better. If you want to talk about it, I’m here. I love listening to you.”
And the more Kaelan talked about things, the easier it was for Orien to piece things together without Kaelan having to worry. There were only so many generic but sincere things he could say before Kaelan caught on. He was clever and smart and sharp.
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 12:53 pm
Kaelan nodded again and hoped it was a decent enough placeholder until he could really answer.
He didn’t want to confront the thoughts, he wanted to bury them, and when the reality hit that he probably couldn’t do that and make Orien happy, his head fell a bit. He couldn’t exactly answer honestly and ensure that he didn’t upset Orien, and he didn’t know if he had the mental fortitude to find the right words.
So, he was quiet, and he cried. Stupidly, foolishly, weakly.
The lukewarm water felt chilly against his skin, and the practical part of his mind whispered that he should get out before he got sick, but he couldn’t move. He just rested against Orien. Maybe it was only a moment, or maybe it was ten, or maybe it was longer. He had no concept of time, and he just cried.
Sometimes, he managed to choke out some reassuring words, like, ‘I’m fine’, or ‘Just a minute’, but for the most part he was just quiet. His energy steadily depleted until he wore himself out, and it was only then that he was too tired to even care about how pathetic he was. He hadn’t realized how much stress he’d been holding onto until he cried it out but now that he felt like pudding, he wondered if that was all that had been holding him together.
He was completely soaked, and he knew Orien was too. He didn’t feel miserable, just depleted.
“I’m sorry,” he said, quieter than he intended, and nasally and mumbled. He needed to blow his nose. Needed to get out of these wet clothes. He wanted to lay down, but all his weight was already on poor Orien.
“I don’t know what happened. I freaked out. I started thinking about everything I was doing wrong.” He was tired, he didn’t want to talk. But he didn’t want Orien to have to wonder, or worry. He was past the emotional constipation, at least. He wasn’t worried about saying something stupid anymore.
“Everything just hit me at once. I thought I had it under control. And I thought things I don’t usually think and then I couldn’t get them out of my head.”
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 1:00 pm
As long as Kaelan was crying, Orien had no intention of turning off the water. If this was what helped him let things go, if he needed to disguise his emotions in order to let them out, then Orien was going to do whatever he could to help him.
He ran his hand up and down Kaelan’s back, in his hair, carefully pulling the length of it over his shoulder so it wouldn’t get in the way if he wanted to turn his head. He pressed little kisses against his temple and in his hair.
Orien was quiet while Kaelan spoke, but he never stopped trying to comfort him with little touches and kisses. It was all he could do at the moment. It was all he knew he could do.
Instead of telling Kaelan immediately that he wasn’t doing anything wrong (because he wasn’t), Orien forced himself to take a breath.
“What do you think you’re doing wrong?” he asked instead, even if it pained him to do so. He didn’t think anything Kaelan had done was wrong, but he didn’t want to sound like he was dismissing his concerns.
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 1:15 pm
Orien had never deprived Kaelan of physical comfort, but right now he couldn’t seem to get enough of it. Every little touch was so considerate, and so sweet. He was greedy for all of it. The water felt like it was too loud, but that just meant that he adjusted himself so he was pressed closer to Orien’s neck so he could hear him better. The falling water was reassuring, and soothing, in its own way. Maybe it washed away whatever magic was clinging to him.
Kaelan knew that it wasn’t easy for Orien to tone himself down, to calm down. He knew it must have taken a lot of effort, and he was being so patient and gentle, and–
If he’d had any energy, he might have cried about how wonderful Orien was, too.
Instead, he just kissed his cheek.
Kaelan was exhausted and didn’t even know where to begin.
“It’s stupid,” he prefaced. “You’ll tell me I’m being silly. I just. Keep thinking about all of the things I want to do better and I’m not improving. I’m just worried about things. I guess.”
It felt so little to say, he didn’t know how he had such big emotions when he could simplify it into just, “I’m afraid of failing.”
And of not being enough, and of letting people down, but it was the same thing, wasn’t it?
He was mad at himself because he’d been having such a good night, too. And now he’d ruined that. And maybe ruined this week, and who knew–maybe even ruined the whole month.
“Everything exploded in my head and I freaked out. I’m really sorry. I don’t even know where to start. I just. Could only see the worst in everything. Some of it didn't make sense. Like I know you love me. But then I was worried that I would mess up and you’d be disappointed with me. And I know that’s wrong.”
Because, Orien had carried him all the way home and was holding him, and was working so hard to reassure him right now.
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 1:21 pm
“I would never think that you being upset is silly,” Orien promised, pressing more little kisses wherever he could reach of Kaelan’s head and face. He adjusted him a little in his lap so he could tuck him closer.
He tried to soothe him further, but in many ways Orien could understand that fear. He knew the price of failure. Knew what could happen if he slipped back into his old ways, if Kaelan decided he didn’t want to deal with someone slowly losing his mind.
As long as Jett was able to make sure Kaelan was cared for, that was all that mattered. When Orien couldn’t do it, himself… he just wanted to make sure Kaelan wasn’t wasting his life away looking after him.
“It’s okay if you fail,” Orien promised, but he was quick to reassure him about what he meant. “If you need to try something again, that’s okay. If you need to take a class again, that’s also okay. But I would never be disappointed with you, you’re right. It’s okay. Your mind is just playing tricks on you. And if anyone is ever upset with you…? I’ll punch them in the throat.”
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Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2023 1:35 pm
Kaelan was quiet for a long moment. Longer than it should have been, really, but it was just taking him a bit more time to sort through what Orien was saying and keep that at the forefront of his thoughts.
Finally, he laughed. It was a pathetic little thing, but there was something too sincere for it to have been performative. It didn’t sound perfect, and he was so congested that he had to sniffle afterwards. He probably inhaled a bit of shower water in doing that, and resisted the urge to wipe his nose on his sleeve. It’s not like it wasn’t going right in the wash anyway, but still.
“I love you,” he said. His lip was trembling, but he didn’t feel like crying. He felt better. Not good, but he was getting there.
“Thank you. That means a lot. I don’t want to fail. I’ve been trying so hard. Everything’s so different from what I remember, and I feel like I’m still catching up. And it’s so much but I can’t slow down or things will change again, too. I don’t know how long it’s supposed to take before things just click. But I’m so happy I have you.”
He spoke slowly, and sometimes had to pause between words, but he was still sifting through his thoughts and trying to make sense of everything. “But that means so much to hear you say that. I mean it. I’m going to remember that. I don’t want to give up on anything. Even if it’s hard. I know we can figure it out. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so messed up. I told you, none of it makes sense. I just. I just really want to make you happy. I hate when I make things hard for you. I hate when I get like this. I want to be better. That’s all. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t know magic could do that.”
But it had to be the magic, right? This wasn’t him, right?
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