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 Posted: Sat Apr 15, 2023 10:05 pm
Zac had dropped Malcolm and Rhiannon off before taking Talia home. He’d promised to update them and let them know when she was ready for company, but Malcolm was already wracked with guilt for not begging to come home with them. He’d have slept in the backyard just to stay nearby, just in case she needed anything.
Zac was convincing. And he understood the stress of an attack. He knew what it was like to feel lost and broken and vulnerable. He also knew what it was like to be at the mercy of whatever drugs they hooked you up at. He was glad she got to go home.
He was glad she wasn’t stuck in the hospital bed.
After everything she’d already been through, it wouldn’t have been fair.
He knew he should have headed home, too, but when Rhiannon started walking, he’d moved with her like she was a magnet.
It had been her idea to get a drink, and he was holding a cup of very sweet hot chocolate. He didn’t remember ordering it. His hands were cold, though, so it felt nice.
Most of the time between the two of them had been quiet, but he didn’t mind. He couldn’t say that he preferred it, but it seemed like every time he breathed too deeply, another thought was jostled from where he’d shoved it in the corner of his mind. He hadn’t cried, but he felt so undone. He was exhausted, but not tired.
He was glad that the walk to Rhiannon’s was well lit. He was determined to walk her there, even if he was probably going to just call himself an Uber to drive himself home. He didn’t want to walk in the dark. He didn’t want to be out tonight. They could have called for a ride earlier, but–
Walls felt suffocating. Even though there were dangers in the shadows, tonight felt open. The breeze, slight as it was, almost carried off some of his worrying.
Instead, he kept his eyes on the ground and kept sighing.
He’d apologized quietly a few times before, but this time was different. This time, there was a bit of substance behind it. He didn’t look up, even if he knew that the shadows from the last streetlight would hide his face. “I’m sorry,” he’d said before. “I froze up,” was new, just as much as, “Do you think she’s going to be okay?”
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Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2023 2:13 pm
Rhiannon was quiet as they walked. She usually was. She didn’t need to fill the silence with words or noise. She was content to just keep Malcolm company as they both tried to relax from a rather eventful night.
“She will be okay,” Rhiannon replied, her voice quiet as they walked. She held a cup of tea in her hands, figuring any more caffeine would be a horrible idea. But she also didn’t want to leave Malcolm’s side until she was sure he would be okay.
Which was why when she got to the stairs that led down to the basement apartment of her Auntie’s townhome, she kept walking. Another circle around the block wouldn’t hurt them. And she was close enough to be able to call her Auntie for help if they needed it.
“None of it was your fault. We were being attacked. Our allies were more concerned with defending someone that wasn’t being attacked than those who were supposed to be helping him,” she pointed out with a huff.
The results were only not ideal because if they’d been able to purify Faustite, maybe he would have been less of a threat to everyone. Being turned into a youma made him dangerous. Maybe more so now.
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Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2023 10:14 am
Malcolm sighed, and he almost sounded defeated. He was inarguably deflated. He didn’t raise his eyes from the path in front of them, nor did he notice that they were taking a second walk around the block. He was stuck in the past, replaying every little moment that came into his head and trying to figure out what he could have done differently.
He trusted Rhiannon. If she said Talia was going to be okay, he figured she was going to be okay. Rhiannon could be blunt, but she had hard truths. They weren’t cruel. She was reassuring, and he didn’t think she’d lie to him if there was something she was actually worried about.
The doctor had said she’d be fine. Physically.
It was everything else that he was worried about, too.
He almost sighed again but he was still out of breath from the first time.
“I just don’t know what happened.” There was a lot going on, but when he tried to dissect even the simple things he wound up with a tangled mess of thoughts that just bled into one another. He didn’t feel like he could get a clear thought and any time he tried to focus it felt like sandpaper scrubbing at his brain.
“No matter what anyone else is doing, I want people to be able to trust that I can back them up. It’s kind of useless to bring someone into a fight if they’re just going to freeze up.” Not that they knew it was going to be a fight, but if he was freezing up at the first sight of danger, he’d just be a liability. “It’s bad enough if I can’t be trusted to hold my own weight, but if I’m just dead weight for everyone else? I can’t have that. I just–I don’t know what happened. I know I’m not the best person to bring into stressful situations but I’m not usually that bad. I have to fix that. Are you okay? I’m sorry, I’ve been talking so much.”
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Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2023 6:30 pm
Rhiannon had known Malcolm for a while now. But neither of them really talked about more than their present day lives. This, she felt, must have some deep rooted self doubt. Maybe she was wrong, but the more Malcolm spoke, the more it sounded like there was something more than just him freezing that night.
She didn’t need to remind him that he saved her. She could have, but that wouldn’t have resolved anything. There could be a lot of things that she could have said to encourage him, to boost his spirits, to help him think better of himself…
But he wasn’t Talia, and what helped Talia, who was still optimistic and frustratingly naive, seemed like it would just be a bandaid for Malcolm. Maybe it would be even worse if it was painful to peel off later.
“We should come up with a code, or gesture, or something for you to signal that you’re getting too overwhelmed or if you feel like you’re in danger of freezing up,” she offered. She heard him ask if she was okay, and she was, but she was more concerned about him worrying about talking too much. He wasn’t.
“A lot of things were happening at once. You know that. You weren’t the only one who was forced into doing nothing because we had to focus on our task.” A task they hadn’t even been able to fulfill. But she wasn’t going to burden Malcolm with her thoughts on all of that.
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Posted: Wed Apr 19, 2023 9:25 pm
Malcolm didn’t miss that she didn’t answer how she was doing, but he listened to what she had to say. He nodded, because he didn’t disagree, but he didn’t know if having a gesture would mean much when he thought he was the problem.
“It’s not the first time I’ve been in a battle,” he mumbled; he didn’t have much fight in him, and he wasn’t trying to be self-deprecating. Of course it was eating him up inside! Even if what happened wasn’t his fault, if he messed up–what if next time it was?
He exhaled heavily and trudged along. “I just don’t like that I don’t know what happened. Everything switched off so fast. I’m just scared of that happening again. I didn’t know it was going to happen. I got cold, and then–I mean, I froze.”
He was talking more than he’d meant to. The words tumbled out but his lips felt numb.
It would have been easier if he’d just kept his thoughts to himself and gone home and maybe cried into the pillow until he was exhausted and then just spent all night researching. He was used to bottling things up.
He was silent for a moment and then he said, “You’re really easy to talk to. I just want to get better. I don’t want to do that again. Maybe I–maybe I’m just wound up. Or tired. Or unreliable.”
No, he didn’t mean for that to slip out, and it wasn’t Rhiannon’s job to try and patch up what he’d done to his self esteem. He bit the inside of his cheek and then said, quieter than before, “Sorry. I’m just wound up. I don’t talk about these things all the time, I don’t know what to say. Or why I feel like I have to say it. You’re smart. And kind. And I trust you. If a code or gesture or something might help, I’ll try. I’m just scared I’ll freeze up before I can use it.”
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Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2023 7:59 am
Rhiannon frowned down at the cup of tea in her hand. She didn’t want him to think that he needed to apologize. It was likely a compulsion, just like it was a compulsion for her to keep her mouth shut in most situations. The nagging voice in the back of her head telling her that no one had any interest in what she had to say, anyway. That of course she was easy to talk to -- it was because she didn’t say much in return.
She was going to just let him keep talking as they walked, but hearing him say he was unreliable had her frowning even more.
Not wanting to interrupt him and make him feel like he couldn’t say what he wanted to, she waited until he seemed like he was done speaking before stopping and turning so she could wrap an arm over his chest and shoulders, giving him a gentle hug.
“I rely on you,” she insisted, and turned her head to press a kiss against his cheek before letting him pull away if he wanted to.
“A code or gesture to indicate that you’re not freezing up, then. You can touch your arm or something that requires a little bit of effort. We could have a couple so you can’t just get used to doing it by instinct. That way if you can’t make a gesture, then I’ll know you need help. Does that sound okay?”
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 12:02 am
Malcolm didn’t know how much he’d needed the hug until her arms were around him and the breath fled his chest.
He leaned into the hug immediately and stayed there for as long as he could. She moved, and he understood that she was leaving him an opening to draw away but he didn’t want to. The kiss on his cheek was warm, though he tilted his head just slightly to the side to try and blink away the sudden warmth. He wasn’t crying!
It was just nice.
He closed his eyes for a moment and then, finally, nodded.
“That sounds like a good plan, Rhiannon. Thank you. I can do that. I don’t know if I’ve got it in me to figure out a code now,” or remember it if they did, “but maybe we can meet up again for lunch or something sometime. My treat. Because–I rely on you, too. And I really appreciate you. And I’d like to meet up with you and hang out some time when I’m not always in crisis mode. If that’s okay.”
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Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2023 2:22 pm
Rhiannon was quiet again for a few moments. If she had her other hand free, she would have stroked at his hair to try and soothe him some more.
“We can figure things out later,” she reassured him. There was no rush, just as long as he knew he had her support.
“Are you expected anywhere…? If you would like, you can come over to my place. I think it’s important you know where I live, in case anything bad happens. We can sit and rest for a bit. Or you’re welcome to stay the night. If you need somewhere quiet. You don’t live by yourself, do you?”
She seemed to remember that he lived with his parents. Maybe someone else, too. She didn’t think she could live with a lot of people. It would be too stressful. But then again, she was used to being on her own.
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Posted: Thu Apr 27, 2023 8:44 am
Malcolm nodded, because that was easier than finding words. He didn’t know what he was nodding to at first–figuring things out later, yeah. No, he didn’t live alone.
“I don’t have to be anywhere.” Anyone who might have wondered where he was would be easy to placate with a text message. He didn’t want to be alone.
Not that he’d be alone at home, but he didn’t know if he was ready to talk to anyone about anything and he was struggling to find words as it was; the last thing he wanted to do was make them worry because he was floundering so badly.
He sort of wished he could have crashed on a couch at Zac’s place just to be able to be there for Talia, but he understood that she needed time and space and he knew that they’d see her again soon.
“Are you sure?” he asked after a moment. Rhiannon wouldn’t have offered if she weren’t, but he knew how careful she was. “I don’t want to be a burden. But I–”
It was easy to just listen to all the thoughts in his head telling him that he shouldn’t be bothering her, that she was only offering to be kind, that he should refuse, but–
“I would really appreciate that,” he said, even though he looked nervous to say it, and his eyes darted up to her face to try and make sure that it was really okay.
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Posted: Wed May 03, 2023 7:37 am
She didn’t say anything as Malcolm sifted through his thoughts out loud. She knew he needed to ask the questions, to explain why he wanted to make sure she was okay with it, to take a moment to war with himself.
When he finally said he would appreciate it, Rhiannon leaned close again to place a kiss against Malcolm’s temple this time. She unwrapped her arm from around him, but kept hold of his hand with her other, and turned to continue down the sidewalk to-- not much further than where they’d been standing.
The whole street had unique townhomes, at least a few stories high, and most with steps down to a basement. Most had tiny front yards, and just as many were fenced in with black cast iron. Mature trees shaded the street and homes during the day, and at night it let just enough moonlight filter though. It was away from the bustling part of the city, but still close enough that a car wasn’t necessary to get around.
Rhiannon led Malcolm down one of the sets of stairs to a basement. A wreath of white flowers hung on the door that was otherwise hidden by the steps and small porch leading up to the main level of the home from the street.
With the door unlocked, she gently led Malcolm inside.
It wasn’t a huge place. Maybe about as big as expected given the general footprint of a townhome in the area. But it had an entryway big enough for a hall tree for some shoes and jackets, and a kitchen big enough for the essentials, and a cozy living area with a comfortable looking couch that had filled bookcases lining the walls. The walls that didn’t have books had framed photographs, mostly of horses or farm scenery. There was a narrow staircase that led up to a closed door near the entryway, and further back past the kitchen was another set of doors that led to a bathroom and bedroom.
“My Auntie Marissa lives upstairs with my cousin and her dad. Auntie knows about the war,” she said quietly so that Malcolm knew she could be trusted, in case he couldn’t get in contact with Rhiannon for whatever reason. Or if he showed up randomly in need of help.
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Posted: Wed May 10, 2023 12:49 pm
Malcolm did his best to look around without an intrusive gaze. Homes were personal and Rhiannon seemed like she was such a careful, private person. He didn’t want her to think he was scrutinizing her or her home. It was a nice place, and it felt–
Well, exactly like what he would have thought for her. It was comfortable. Homey. It felt safe. He didn’t realize how much weight he’d been carrying on his shoulders until he stepped through her threshold and the outside world closed behind them.
“Oh, okay,” he said, and though he nodded it seemed like it took a few seconds more for that to sink in.
He didn’t seem like he was going to be jumping to have a conversation with her aunt or anyone else, but that was more because he was certain that he’d never need to. Rhiannon was safe and responsible, and Malcolm didn’t like to make waves. Even if he should try to meet new people and make friends.
It just seemed so daunting right now. Maybe he was just tired. And definitely stressed.
“Your place is really nice,” he said after a moment. He hovered in the doorway, perpetually afraid to take up too much space. He seemed less nervous, though. Partly because of her, and partly because he remembered that he was with a friend. The worst part of tonight was over.
“Does she know about it, or does she…know about it?”
He hadn’t told his parents. He didn’t want them to know. They’d just worry about him, anyway. He had too many secrets, all of them barely locked away and all of them bursting at the seams.
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Posted: Tue May 30, 2023 8:25 am
Rhiannon didn’t seem upset by Malcolm’s presumed awkwardness, but after she unlaced her shoes and pushed them off to the side in the entryway, she took hold of Malcolm’s hand again and pulled him farther into the little basement apartment.
There was a pause, because she didn’t want to give away too much about her Auntie without her permission. But because she would rather Malcolm know that it was safe to go to her, she nodded. “She knows. If you need anything, she will help,” she said confidently.
She only let go of Malcolm’s hand once they reached the couch, where she let him stand or sit if he wanted, and made her way to the little kitchen. There was a pastry with fruit and frosting in the refrigerator, so she removed it and put it in her toaster oven to heat up, and put a kettle with water on the stove.
“Decaf tea?” she offered. “Or I have milk. Some juice. No soda.” She didn’t apologize for it. Soda wouldn’t be good for either of them, especially any with caffeine.
She moved quickly, a little impatiently, because she didn’t want to leave Malcolm to be alone with his own thoughts longer than necessary. With the warmed pastry out of the toaster oven, she brought it and a couple forks over to the small coffee table, hoping to at least tempt Malcolm to stay instead of him deciding he was a burden.
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Posted: Wed May 31, 2023 10:58 pm
Malcolm made sure to mimic whatever Rhiannon did; when she left her shoes by the door, he left his here too, and when she tugged him to the basement, he followed without protest or hesitation.
He didn’t need to know every little bit of information, but he was grateful for what she did choose to share, and he understood enough of what she said without being given explicit information.
If he needed help, there was someone else to turn to. He could appreciate that, and he would most certainly respect it. For a few seconds, he seemed like he might have just stood by the couch, but he swallowed up his social anxiety and forced himself to take a seat.
The pastry smelled good. It made him think of what Talia might do if she’d been trying to comfort him, and–
Oh, no, he shouldn’t think about such things right now. He smiled, grateful for all of her efforts, and forced himself to take a little breath. “Tea might be nice. Or–no, milk. I mean, that’s,” he gestured to the pastry. It seemed like it made sense, and it wouldn’t take as long as tea would. He could tell she was hurrying, and he was grateful for that, too. Even if he felt a bit bad for it. “Do you want any help? I can–”
Well, he wasn’t actually sure what he could do, he just wanted to be useful. Or, at the very least, not a burden.
His smile remained in place, although it fell just a bit. “Sorry. It’s so late, too. I should have taken a nap earlier today, I knew we’d be out late. Your place is really cozy. It feels safe. I’m surprised you don’t have a lot of pets, though.”
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Posted: Fri Jun 02, 2023 5:33 am
“Please?” she asked when he offered to help. She didn’t really need help, but he seemed to need to make himself feel useful rather than pampered. She wasn’t bothered by needing to take the kettle off the stove because she would rather just be sitting down, anyway.
“There’s glasses in that cabinet. The milk is on the middle shelf,” she gestured, but only enough so that Malcolm didn’t feel lost. She wanted him to be able to help, not feel helpless.
“Don’t be sorry. You’re welcome to stay with me tonight if you’d like. I think I’d like the company, but if you would rather be home, I understand.”
She was being honest about that, and although her voice was quiet and she didn’t seem like she was making a big deal about it, the idea of trying to go to sleep alone after everything sounded impossible.
“I have extra clothes for you to wear. And a new toothbrush,” she explained as she did some minor tidying up while he was getting the milk.
“The pets I’d prefer are a little too big for an apartment,” she confessed with a small smile. “I don’t have any of my own, but the animals I work with are basically my pets. I treat them as my own, at least. But thank you. I wish I had more space for more books.”
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Posted: Tue Jun 06, 2023 8:21 pm
Malcolm did seem relieved when she gave him some tasks, and though he was a bit clumsy in the kitchen he seemed to manage well enough. At first, he wasn’t sure if he’d heard her correctly, but when she started talking about extra clothes and a new toothbrush…
He had to put a little bit extra effort to make sure he was working and thinking.
“You wouldn’t mind if I stayed? I mean, I don’t want to–” He cut himself off before he could say intrude, and had to take a second to hang his head, draw in a breath, and then start over. “I talk myself out of things and try to make excuses for people to back out in case I misunderstood a situation. I don’t know when it started, maybe it was always like this and I only just noticed. I’m trying to be better about it and stop myself. I know you’re a good person, and you’re honest. So I know you wouldn’t have offered if you were worried about me intruding.”
He hadn’t broken any glasses or spilled any milk so far, and he’d had his little burst of honesty and was trying to stop talking about himself, he wasn’t here to just dump everything on Rhiannon.
“I’d like to stay. If you don’t mind me sleeping on the couch or something, I won’t take up much room. I’d like the company, too. Can you sleep with the television on? When I’ve had a long night, I usually just put some comfort movie on and play it on repeat until I fall asleep.” He resisted the urge to say ‘That might sound silly’ because he was trying to be better.
He glanced up briefly and already knew what type of animal she’d have here if she could, so instead he asked, “What type of books do you like to read?”
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