Metallia had given her power, but Metallia couldn’t save her general.

She flopped backwards on the rooftop, arms splayed and stared at the cloud filled sky. Kiri wasn’t usually unpowered unless she had to be. For work, buying groceries, that sort of thing. Classes, too. She didn’t necessarily… like being unpowered. She felt exposed, weak, vulnerable without her fuku wrapping around her. Tonight though, she was giving herself a break. The fact that she even needed one rubbed her the wrong way.

Even Kiri could recognize when her emotions were getting the better of her, though. When the murder was getting to her.

She shouldn’t have done that outburst during the meeting on the plan to save Faustite. Kiri should have been a good little soldier and kept her mouth shut. Then Aqua had to push just the right buttons to trigger that rage festering under her skin. The rage that had been festering since Faustite had told them about his condition. The rage that tried to, and failed, to melt the ice in her chest.

Kiri reached a hand up towards the sky. As if on cue, rain began to fall softly from the sky. It picked up, water running down her arm and settling on her chest. Even though the hole in her chest wasn’t there when she wasn’t powered up, she imagined the water flowing in and filling up the cracks and around her starseed, and flushed out the ice sitting just under it.

She dropped her hand back to the rooftop.

Fear.

It was fear.

She shouldn’t have been able to feel fear, but it was there. A solid mass of anxiety and worry and doubt about the coming days. She wasn’t sure when it had formed. Maybe it had always been there, she’d just been able to ignore it. Maybe Metallia had never taken her fear at all, but given her the power to overcome it. To ignore it. To turn it into violence and power.

Had she been afraid, the night Metallia brought her into the fold? Who… who had she been before that? Had she had a family? A life? Friends on the other side? She didn’t know. Whatever had happened the night of her corruption, it had burned whoever she’d been before out of her, along with all the memories that came with them.

Kiri wouldn’t change it for anything…. Except maybe Faustite. Would he come back willingly? Would he even remember any of them? Or had he been part of the Negaverse for too long, been part youma for too long? Would the light rip everything out of him? Would he even be able to recorrupt immediately? She saw him cough fire, saw him cough soot. The youma had to have done permanent damage, damage that couldn’t just be healed by magic.

Would his soul survive the strain?

Kiri rolled over onto her side.

She hated this. She hated this, she hated this. She hated this. This being… what, exactly? Kiri stared at her palm for a moment, thinking. She hated this because it was unfair. It was unfair that Metallia could not assist one of their own. It was unfair that they had to rely on the enemy for this plan. It was unfair… because it was her general. Her father. Someone she’d come to respect and love so fiercely, she’d do anything for him. Sacrifice herself, her namesake, her soul.

That wouldn’t help him though.

If Metallia could not help him, what did that say about the entity itself? Or the Chaos that gave them such power? Did it only harm? She didn’t believe that - it had given her a new life, after all - but was that just… part of it? Kiri shook her head to clear it. No… that wouldn’t help either, going down that road. She was sure that they’d gone down that road; they wouldn’t willingly trust a hailmary purification recorruption plan otherwise.

What if he didn’t want to come home?

The ice flared and she took in a shuddering gasp. Oh… oh, that. Hmmm. There was something with that. It… terrified her if he didn’t want to come home. He had to come home. He was her dad! Her general! He couldn’t just abandon them, after they did all of this to save him. Even if the White Moon spirited him away before Jet could recorrupt him, he’d come back. He had to.

He had to.

He had to.

The ice shifted and shattered and Kiri curled in on herself, sobbing uncontrollably into her knees. Her chest ached, her back ached, it felt like something was caving in, breaking and and shattering and suddenly she falling without a parachute. Her mine was on repeat, no matter how much she tried to wrangle it back, no matter how much she clawed at her head.

he has to come back, he has to come back he has to come back he has to come back don’t leave me don’t leave me don’t leave me don’t please i need you please don’t leave me don’t leave me please daddy please don’t go please don’t go

Rain turned to drizzle turned to mist. Kiri shook, muscles tight and cold and sopping wet. She was aware of her fingers dug into her hair first, joints jolting as she forced them to relax. Her arms tingled, shoulders and elbows cracking with each movement. Slowly, she uncurled herself and sat up. Slowly, her mind became her own again. She could think, she could breathe. Her cheeks pulled against the salt and grime. Kiri rested her hands behind her, letting her head hang.

She felt… lighter, in a way. The ice was there, but it was smaller, easier to manage. It didn’t threaten to consume her. It wasn’t at peace, by any means, and she got the feeling that it would not that way for long. For now, she could breathe again. She watched the stars peak through the clouds, just breathing.

She was afraid.

She laughed.

Her, afraid? What a laughable concept! She wasn’t afraid of anything! Everything would go according to plan, and if they didn’t, they’d adjust! Faustite would come home! Not one of theirs would be killed or purified, and maybe they’d take some of theirs as payment for their… services.

There was nothing to be afraid of.

[ WC: 1061 ]