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 Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 11:56 am
Bloodstone didn’t argue when Jasper finally decided to leave. He was still scowling at Roselite, but the tears made him pause. Not because they affected him or anything like that. He’d seen plenty of tears and had plenty of time to get used to them.
But Roselite…
As much as Bloodstone hated it, Roselite was trying to do good, trying to do right no matter how pointless it was. He’d made Roselite a Captain because he thought he earned it. It helped that he would be able to protect himself easier this way as well. There were less people to order him around, too.
And now Roselite was crying.
There was nothing outwardly gentle about the way Bloodstone grabbed hold of Roselite’s arm and guided him to the chair behind his desk, but his grip could hardly be considered bruising, and it was clear that he made sure Roselite had a solid surface behind him before letting go.
Bloodstone didn’t say anything, but he pulled out a box of tissues from a nearby drawer, and a bottle of water, and then crossed his arms and looked away to give Roselite some semblance of privacy if he wanted any.
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 12:18 pm
Roselite wanted to sink into a hole and hide away forever. He sank into the chair instead. With his arms folded over the desk, Roselite hunched over to hide his face as best he could, crying into the darkness he found between his elbows.
He got tears all over Bloodstone’s desk, but what did it matter? Roselite was the one who’d clean up the mess.
“You’re so—” he began, then cut off immediately.
There wasn’t much he could accuse Bloodstone of that Bloodstone wouldn’t shrug off. Bloodstone wouldn’t feel guilty. He wouldn’t apologize. Maybe he’d be kinder to Roselite for a little while, but it wouldn’t change how he dealt with anyone else.
Roselite didn’t usually get upset about it. Not like this. Not since he’d been angry that time he’d found out about Bloodstone trying to take Yuuri’s starseed. But he felt like a failure after the most recent mission into the Rift, like maybe he hadn’t lived up to his full potential, like he could have done more, and now they were losing one of their Generals, a General who Roselite liked and respected, and Bloodstone didn’t even care. If anything, he’d been cruel on purpose, because of Roselite, because Bloodstone was angry and resentful and… maybe jealous, in a way.
As if he had any reason to be. Roselite did everything Bloodstone asked.
“You can’t—... You can’t treat someone horribly because I—... because I decided—... I went on that mission because I wanted—... I wanted to prove that I could. I wanted to prove that I—... that I can do more than just… research and office work and—... I’m a Captain. I shouldn’t—... shouldn’t need you to protect me all the time, so I… I wanted to help. He’s been kind to me. Why can’t I—... Why can’t I help someone who’s been kind to me?’
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 12:27 pm
Bloodstone didn’t care if Roselite was getting tears and snot all over his desk. He wasn’t planning on making Roselite clean it up, either. Roselite just frequently did it before anyone else, like Bloodstone, could do anything about it.
He leaned up against the desk for a little while as Roselite sobbed, glancing over at him when it was obvious that Roselite couldn’t tell if he was looking or not. Would it be wrong of him to reach out and give him a pat on his back? Was that how someone comforted someone else? Or maybe pet his hair? That was probably going too far.
“You don’t need to prove yourself,” Bloodstone grumbled, trying not to be as angry as he felt towards Faustite still. Towards Jet for approving the mission in the first place. Towards whatever leader Roselite was forced to listen to.
“Not like that. The Rift is too dangerous. Faustite knew that. That’s why he let people decide if they wanted to go instead of personally picking a team to go with him. If anything were to happen, you would have been discarded with the excuse of you volunteered, and not Faustite picked these people for a specific purpose. It’s premeditated blame placement.
“Luckily,” he continued after a moment. “It seems like everyone managed to get out.” Which was both a shame and a relief.
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 1:06 pm
“I still chose to go!” Roselite said, raising his voice into the desk. Even then, he wasn’t very loud, his throat too tight to allow for much added volume. If anything, he sounded strained.
“I chose to go! No one made me! Everyone knows how dangerous it is! The only people who pretend it’s not are—”
People with a death wish. People who didn’t care about their own safety, or the safety of others. People who probably shouldn’t be allowed to go on missions like that, where their recklessness could get them all in trouble. It made for a good argument as to why those in charge should be more selective with who they brought, but Roselite understood the preference for volunteers, too. The Negaverse was full of people who liked to complain about their circumstances, as if they had no choice.
Roselite had always had a choice. To join. To go on missions. He was given orders, too; that was how the Negaverse was structured, after all, but those orders had never been to an extent that made him uncomfortable with what he was asked to do.
“I… I knew what I was doing,” Roselite said.
It was hot between his arms. Roselite lifted his head enough to gulp down a few breaths. He saw the tissues, grabbed one like he meant to use it, but ultimately wadded it up in his hand when he went back to hiding.
“I knew… what I was getting myself into. Everything about this war is—... it’s all too dangerous. That’s not—... that’s no reason for me to sit behind and do paperwork! We all have to—... at some point, we all have to risk our lives for this. I chose that mission, I chose that risk, because I thought maybe... maybe I had something to offer for once.”
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 1:07 pm
Bloodstone was silent again as Roselite spoke. Or cried. Or wibbled his start and stop sentences. But then, Bloodstone had never found the desire to mock Roselite for not being able to string his sentences together as easily as he obviously would like.
He thought about looking away when Roselite looked up to breathe and grab the tissue, but it didn’t seem as though he was doing more than just hiding.
Cautiously, Bloodstone hovered his hand over the top of Roselite’s hair, making sure he wouldn’t jerk away, before letting his hand rest a bit more naturally.
“You knew what you were doing,” Bloodstone agreed. That was easy enough. “I don’t trust others to not pull starseeds out or forget they can’t teleport.”
They’d both seen what happened the last two times someone decided to mess with starseeds in the Rift. As if the first time wasn’t enough.
“You have a lot to offer, Rose. Not everyone sees that. I feel like Faustite uses you for his paperwork and doesn’t see what you’re capable of. He made another Captain the leader of your group. It should have been you.”
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 1:12 pm
“Stop acting like I do his paperwork all the time!” Roselite argued.
He jerked away, not because he didn’t want the hand on his head, but because he was still angry and unwilling to accept Bloodstone’s excuses. Bloodstone was exaggerating, or making assumptions, or seeing things that weren’t there. He was being cruel to someone, in thought and in action, for no other reason than that he wanted to believe the worst in them, only he had no evidence to support it, so he grasped at whatever nonsense he had at his disposal.
“I do your paperwork all the time!” Roselite lifted his head, wet eyes and splotchy, distressed face turned toward Bloodstone. “Yours and Carnallite’s and Jaspers! Why… Why shouldn’t I help other people when I have the chance! Me doing that—... It hasn’t interfered with the work I do for you!”
The Negaverse was Roselite’s life now. It was his job in a way it wasn’t for a normal agent. Most of them had lives and careers outside of the Dark Kingdom; what they did for the Negaverse came after, when they had time and energy to spare. Roselite was there full time. When Bloodstone had a shift at the hospital, Roselite was here, completing and submitting paperwork, organizing old files, researching targets for Bloodstone and Carnallite, and anyone else in Spec Ops who might need the assistance.
This was what August paid him for. Not to fetch his coffee or pick up his dry cleaning or answer emails and schedule flights for conferences. August paid him to be Roselite.
“You can’t just—... You’re making things up to be angry about,” Roselite said, wiping at his face with the balled up tissue. It did little good, so he grabbed two more. “I… I wouldn’t have been a good leader. I don’t—... I don’t have the experience. So I went to get some, so… so one day I can—... One day maybe I could. You have to let me. You can’t be angry that I went, and then angry that I—... that someone else led. You can’t take it out on Faustite when all he did was come to you with a little hope.”
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 1:13 pm
When Roselite jerked away, Bloodstone pushed himself away from the desk, and placed himself farther away so he wouldn’t be tempted to touch him or offer him comfort again. Roselite’s actions were pretty clear that he wanted nothing to do with him.
Bloodstone didn’t feel guilty for how things went with Faustite. He would likely do it again. And maybe Carnallite was right in that he was a little too focused on Roselite. He wasn’t sure Roselite would consider him a friend, and he doubted lover would ever be used between them like Jasper and Carnallite mocked.
“Do what you want then,” he decided. “If you don’t want to do paperwork then don’t. Find someone to go on patrol with you -- or go by yourself, I don’t care. You can handle it, and if you can’t you can teleport.”
He had no idea what was up with that one Senshi that Roselite said he ran into that attacked him, but he was glad that Roselite got away relatively unscathed.
“If you’d rather have a different General to report to, too,” he said before he could stop himself. “Then let me know and I’ll get the paperwork started. Maybe Carnallite will do the same.”
It was less feeling sorry for himself and more coming to accept that others just didn’t want to be around him. He didn’t blame them.
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 1:16 pm
Roselite’s anger fled in an instant, replaced by a sudden sharp dread. His face fell into misery, hands twisting at his tissues.
“What… What are you saying?”
Report to a different General? Why would Bloodstone think—... Roselite hadn’t meant—...
He couldn’t even think clearly now. There were so many avenues of thought tangled in his head, Roselite had no idea how to sort them out. They came at him in a rush of fear and grief and loneliness, too much to wade through, too much to process all at once.
All he knew for sure was that Bloodstone was wrong.
“That’s not—... I don’t want—... I didn’t—... I didn’t say that. Please, I… I only wanted—...”
Roselite forced himself to breathe. In, out, in again. Only it happened too quickly and he got no relief from the breathless sensation that seemed to grip him like a vice. He tore at the tissues until they were shreds, then clutched the shreds in his hands like a lifeline.
“Please, I… I don’t want a different General,” he sobbed. “I—... No one else would’ve—... I would’ve just been—... I know I’m really not worthy so I would’ve been starseeded before they gave me a chance, but you… you believed in me. Please, I just—... All I want is for you to be—... for you to treat the people I care about with… with some understanding.”
Maybe the problem was that Roselite cared about everyone, to a degree.
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 1:19 pm
Bloodstone clicked his tongue to the roof of his mouth as Roselite no longer seemed angry, but was still sobbing. Maybe worse than before. He’d already tried offering comfort, but that was rejected so Bloodstone kept his distance now, even if he frowned heavily at the sad sight of the Captain in his chair.
Or Roselite’s chair, if he was claiming the office as his own.
“Stop,” he said, although it wasn’t as harsh as it could have been. “Just breathe, Rose. Drink some water.”
He crossed his arms over his chest to keep himself from reaching out or offering more tissues. Or opening the bottle of water for him. Roselite seemed to think that Bloodstone didn’t think he could do things on his own, so he was going to at least try to step back from doing things that Roselite might think he was being considered weak or pathetic or not worthy or whatever other nonsense he had in his head.
“You’re not a burden. And you’re not unworthy,” he frowned more, waiting to see if Roselite actually got himself back together or if he needed to do something else. Would leaving the room be better? Bloodstone didn’t know at this point.
“It’s hard to be understanding of others when I hate everyone,” he grumbled. He still didn’t feel guilty about Faustite. Or Roselite’s friend… whose name he already forgot because it wasn’t important.
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 5:37 pm
Roselite couldn’t just breathe. He tried. It should be easy. He did it all the time, after all; it wasn’t like he could forget how to. Yet even when he focused on it, he couldn’t quite get the hang of it. In, out, in, a hitch, a sob on the next breath out, in, out, then a whimper.
He was pathetic. He knew that. There was a reason he generally stuck to office work. He would never be strong like Bloodstone. He would never be that fearless. He would always be a bit soft, a bit timid.
Roselite tried to accept that about himself, told himself it didn’t matter, that there was a place for all kinds of people in the Negaverse. Wasn’t he proof of that?
“I… I’m sorry…”
For shouting. For getting angry. For being upset now. For existing. For not knowing how to articulate why he’d been so angry and upset in the first place. For expecting too much, maybe, when he had no business expecting anything from anyone.
He fumbled with the bottle of water, struggled to unscrew the cap, then dropped it to the floor once he had it free. He meant to sip the water, but his shaking hands tipped the bottle too far and he spilled some down his chin.
“I just—... Please, you don’t—... No one’s asking you to—...”
His throat seized. Roselite sobbed again. He wiped the water from his face with his sleeve, then forced himself to take a few more steady breaths. In, out. In, out.
“You don’t have to like anyone,” he said, voice so strained it nearly broke. “You just… You just have to act like you respect them, even if… even if you don’t. Save the cruelty for… for our enemies.”
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 5:37 pm
“Pretending to respect others is difficult when it’s obvious no one respects me in return,” he scoffed.
He didn’t care if they respected him. He was there for a job. There for the power it gave him to do what he wanted. Although with things as they were, it was easy to get frustrated. Aliens for one, and a new General King for another.
The burden of telling someone they were dying was placed on him, because no one else was qualified to read the reports from the tests. In a field where there was so much death, it was easy to stop caring. It was necessary to survive.
“Faustite is a stubborn child. He’ll find a way to overcome this. He just needs to find a way to fix his youma problem, either by getting rid of it or containing it somehow,” Bloodstone shrugged. “But the only way I know he could get rid of it would be…”
He paused, not sure he wanted to continue his thought process. Especially not when Roselite was there. There was too much at risk already. He didn’t want Roselite getting involved more than he already was.
“Stop apologizing,” he added after a moment. He deserved whatever anger Roselite had. It was easier to deal with anger than him being upset.
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 5:39 pm
“I—”
Roselite stopped himself before he could apologize again.
It was instinct to do so, to accept that he’d done wrong, to try making amends. It was polite, too, and Roselite always tried to be polite. He might not want to be weak, but he wanted to be kind. He wanted to be helpful. He wanted to be liked and appreciated, and he thought the best way to accomplish that was to do everything he could for as many people as possible.
He gazed up at Bloodstone with watery eyes, beseeching, like Bloodstone could fix everything if he tried. Roselite believed in him. Even when Bloodstone was cold and cruel, Roselite was certain that Bloodstone could accomplish anything he put his mind to.
Bloodstone shouldn’t give up on Faustite. Bloodstone said Faustite could overcome it, and Roselite wanted to believe that, but Bloodstone was capable of more than delivering bad news.
“I respect you,” Roselite said. His voice had gone quiet and weak, more like a strained whisper. “I always—... You’re the first person who gave me a chance. Even my own family—”
Roselite cut himself off again. He shook his head. He didn’t like to talk about himself, didn’t want to. None of that was important.
“You… You gave me a place where I can belong when no one else would have,” he continued. “I only want to be the best I can so you never regret it. I want to protect… this.” Roselite sniffled. He grabbed another tissue and wiped some of the tears off of his face. “The Negaverse, and everyone in it, as much as I can. I know—... With how dangerous things are, we can’t save everyone, but… I don’t want to lose anyone…”
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 5:43 pm
Bloodstone frowned down at Roselite, and then let out a breath and glanced away. His shoulders slumped a little from the tension they’d been holding.
“Your family sounds like my family,” he admitted, which was rare for him to even acknowledge that he had a family. He didn’t. Not any more. Any association he had with them was professional and he wanted to keep his life separate from theirs.
He paused for a moment, because he figured Roselite would point out the differences in their personalities.
“Negligence and abuse have many forms,” he said to the floor, unable to look Roselite in the eye. Where Roselite had clearly been ignored and shunned, Bloodstone had been pushed and pushed. His opinions never mattered, and if he tried deviating from the path chosen for him, it was always met with a swift, often painful end.
“Your family took a flower and put it under a bucket, and then complain that it never blooms. You deserve better than that,” he shrugged, cautioning a step closer to the desk again now that Roselite had calmed down some.
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 5:48 pm
Roselite’s tears were easing a bit. He could wipe them away and they weren’t immediately replaced by new ones, though his eyes remained wet and a few still slipped out, hastily caught with a wadded up tissue.
Then Bloodstone opened up, just a little, and Roselite burst into a fresh wave of tears.
“I…”
Bloodstone never talked about his family; that was one thing they had in common. Roselite always respected that boundary and never asked; that was another thing they had in common. The outcomes of their upbringing were very clearly different, but Roselite couldn’t ignore the empathetic squeeze of his own heart.
He stood from the chair, breathing still a bit ragged, face a splotchy mess. He must look terrible, like some pathetic little child instead of a full grown adult. Roselite had never felt capable. He never felt prepared for such a cruel world. A part of him wondered if he would have been this way even with unconditional support.
Roselite stumbled forward, nervous, and weak from emotion. He drew close, put his head on Bloodstone’s shoulder, wrapped his arms around Bloodstone’s torso, and gave him a timid hug.
“I have better,” he whispered. “Now.”
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Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2023 5:49 pm
For a few moments, Bloodstone wasn’t sure what was happening. He didn’t know what Roselite was going to do. Was he going to walk around him or hit him or…?
No, and it was ridiculous for him to think that Roselite would try to hit him. The arms around him made him freeze, and he wasn’t sure what to do. Eventually, Bloodstone lifted up his hands so he could awkwardly place them on Roselite’s shoulders. Was he supposed to hug him back? Should he apologize for not really knowing what to do? He didn’t think he deserved a hug or any offer of affection, even if it was just in sympathy or whatever.
“I’ll talk to Faustite,” he grumbled after a few moments. He didn’t know what else to say, but he felt like he owed it to Roselite to at least try and make things… not necessarily right, but to not give Roselite a reason to stress more. “I don’t know what good it will do, but maybe there’s another option. I don’t know. I’ll look over my research again.”
There wasn’t anything more in his research, but there was potentially another option. It just depended on whether Faustite wanted to survive or wanted his dignity as an agent.
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