The new guy must've annoyed the boss yesterday, 'cause Todd can't remember the last time they decided the best time to train someone for day shift was at 1am. Watching him (Steve?) do yet another "quality control" tasting pass of the slurpee machines, Todd nodded to himself. Definitely annoyed the boss.

Clearing his throat, he asked the kid (Skip?), "Hey, has anybody given you the Talk yet?" There wasn't anybody in the store at the moment, so it wouldn't hurt to give him the low down.

The guy (Stove?) jolted up, sloshing Bananas Foster slurpee all over his hand. In between licking the mess off his hand and coughing, he managed a squeaky, "Like sex?!"

Todd gave a huff of laughter and drawled, "Nah. We save that for week two. I mean like, the Talk where you avoid grievous bodily harm." The second messy reaction was almost as funny as the first. They should let him train people more often.

"You don't have to worry as much during the daytime hours," Todd went on. "But stuff like, happens, during the day sometimes too."

"StUFf?" With that kind of voice break, the kid (Spoon?) must be going through some kind of puberty. Sure he looked to be in his late 20s? Early 30s? But nobody would be able to tell just listening to the guy talk.

"Yeah like, stuff. Animal attacks, gangs on pcp, chemical warfare experiments, weird property damage, alien abductions..." Todd, who had been ticking off fingers, was about to move to his next hand when the new kid interrupted.

"Don't we just call the police? Or...animal control...I guess?"

Todd just stared at the kid for a moment with a look of profound pity, and held up his other hand, "Localized flashes of extreme weather phenomena, spontaneous combustion..." He trailed off, the stare he was getting from the kid clearly reading as Checked Out. Putting down his hands, Todd finished, "There's a list in the office."

Moving to clean up the slurpee mess, he gave the kid (Scott?) a passing pat on the back. A few customers trickled in and then trickled right back out again, laden with the necessary salt, fat, acid, and Hot Cheetos.

Eventually the new guy seemed to wake up, and put down the scan gun, asking, "So...I mean...what do we do?"

"Rule One," Todd was always ready to give his equivalent of a zombie apocalypse monologue, "...if you see someone in weird clothes or a full-out costume? Be respectful. Don't make too much eye contact, don't try to make yourself look bigger than them. Don't even let them know that you noticed what they're wearing. You're blind. You're selectively deaf. Don't make a fuss."

New guy (Screech?) had been nodding, listening with gratifying attention, right up until he decided to think about what he'd just been told. "Wait like, what do we do on Halloween?"

"Rule Two: Halloween sucks." The reply was immediate and Todd showed the most amount of emotion the new guy had yet to see out of him. "Anime conventions also suck. If you can, take the day off and stay inside. If you can't, abide by Rule One. And it doesn't matter what they're dressed as. Sheet ghost? Be respectful. Sparkle dog? Be respectful. A small child dressed as a pretty princess flower fairy? Be respectful."

"Or like...what though?"

"You don't know what," Todd answered darkly.

"Oh...okay."

"Rule Three: keep the hot case stocked fresh. Keep the slurpee machines working. Make sure the soda fountain is properly carbonated."

The sudden turn to the much more reasonable demands of a convenience store left the new guy (Spiff?) feeling a little lost and not knowing if he even wanted to be found.

"People and Other Things come in here with important Snack Needs. Do not make them cranky by failing those needs. Now," Todd amended for the sake of fairness, "I'm not saying that most people who come in here will throw a display case out the window simply because we didn't have their favorite flavor of taquito ready. But..."

They both glanced over to the boarded up half of the front window.

"Everybody has their bad days," Todd finished reasonably. "It'll be your job to make sure it's not your worst day."

"Rule Four: if your instincts say run and hide. Run and hide. Don't use your brain, just listen to your guts. Anyway, that's been today's ToddTalk, any questions?"

The new guy was still staring blankly at the window.

"Oh yeah like, what was your name again?"

New guy finally turned to look at him with a confused look and slowly held up the nametag that had been clearly visible the whole time, "It's Louis...?"